Tough love - upsetting a friend

Jenny,

I feel for you and the partner of this man. Alcoholism is a family and friend disease. And while the gesture may not have an effect on the man I feel it was good for you. Too often I see family members or friends not do or say anything because they are afraid of upsetting the alcoholic or it is not PC and are left afterwards wondering if they should have. By your gesture you are letting him know it is not okay to drink. It may be his choice to drink but it is also your choice to voice your feelings. As someone who has extensive dealings with alcoholism I support and applaud you. I do hope though his girlfriend see this gesture for the love and careing that was behind it.

I would concentrate your efforts on getting his partner to leave him. She is unconsciously enabling his addiction, and it is only going to end VERY BADLY for her if she stays allowing him to continue this destructive behaviour. He has chosen to put his love of alcohol above his love of her, and she should choose to put her love of him over his love of alcohol and leave, refusing to watch him kill himself while emotionally destroying her in the process. Maybe he will smarten up in that situation to take better care of himself, but probably not - he is clearly extremely apathetic towards both her and himself, and that is not a situation that should be allowed to continue for her sake imo.

You did the right thing but I'm wondering why his girlfriend stays with him. I would leave a guy like that in a minute. It seems he will only cause pain for her and himself.

After reading this there is more reason to get your girlfriend to leave him immediately. Try to talk her into leaving.

Oh gosh. It sounds like he desperately needs psychological help. Any chance she can persuade him?

Try to talk her into leaving.

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I can understand him being so sick/exhausted that he's ready to give up. I doubt there is anything you OR your friend can do about it it really has to come from with in him. More so how could your friend abandon a man she loves when she knows he so sick? I just don't see her leaving him.

(I do understand he's dragging her down with him and the "smart" woman would take off - but something we have to think with our hearts).

Unfortunately, for many reasons that I completely understand, leaving him is not an option right now. It is a very complicated situation.

i understand what you did but i think you were in the wrong... i live with an alcoholic but unlike most she knows what she is doing will kill her and she is to scared to stop drinking because when she did stop the the last time )cold turkey so to speak) she started having seizures once they are into that frame of mind theres not a thing you can do other then pick up the pieces when it will be the death of them

Personally, I think you were wrong. I know you were trying to help him, but you can't force him to change. You may have influenced him a bit, but in the end he needs to find something to live for. By his partner not saying anything, she is empowering him. By her not telling him to stop, he may feel like she doesn't care. It all comes down to whether or not him and her can change. She needs to learn to talk to him about his habits, and he has to find a reason to live. You should offer your support, but nothing more. I'd say don't interfere directly.

It is a very hard situation. I have seen many addicts self destruct...pretty much all of my family. My best friends father once told me i was no longer welcome in their house after an argument we had. He basically told me i didnt really care about her, and I told him if he really cared about her and his wife he would take care of himself. He was drunk at the time. The next day he appologised, but i learned my lesson. Who am i to lecture this man? If he wont listen to his daughter and his wife why on earth would he listen to me?

What you did was meant well, but i doubt it will help the way you had hoped. He has to give himself a reason to live. It isnt up to any one else. Many addicts in my life got to the point where they just gave up. Some tried but didnt have the needed support and failed...some never even tried. All you can do is be there to support his partener, and be there IF he DOES decide he wants to try. show him you care about him, but don't interfer. Your friend is going to need you to get through this. Help her see her options for if something does happen to him, and teach her to support him if he reaches out. Other than those things, there is nothing you can do.

I hope it all works out.

I don't want this to become a thread about them - Believe me, his partner is a strong woman who is doing all she can but she knows too that he is unstoppable. I certainly knew and know that, from my past experience. And I know I made an empty gesture. I guess I just wrote about it because I was mad at everything, especially myself for giving in to a moment of utter frustration.

She and I are still friends, for which I am thankful. She understands why I did it. We have agreed that in a few days I will go round there with a home-made cake as a peace offering (he loves my cakes) and see what happens. He has apparently been very quiet since Saturday!

I can understand being mad about it. it must be hard to go through.

Originally Posted by fastnoc

I can understand being mad about it. it must be hard to go through.

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its really hard seeing a friend self disrupt.

to be really honest me and my 2 brothers have done exactly what you did we dont feel better as its been worse since but my mother knows she has a problem openly admits it thats what we cant get our head round


for the weekend that pie works (i know its made me want one mind hehe)

Originally Posted by jennyranson

She and I are still friends, for which I am thankful. She understands why I did it. We have agreed that in a few days I will go round there with a home-made cake as a peace offering (he loves my cakes) and see what happens. He has apparently been very quiet since Saturday!

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IMO, this is conscious enabling on your part, if you apologize for what happened, bringing gifts and apologies. Good way to cement in his mind that he is doing nothing wrong, and you indeed are the wrong one for questioning him.
But that is jut MO.

Aw Jenny My heart goes out to you.
I have been there except with my mother, threw out loads of alcohol moment of frustration, she would get so angry one time she was so drunk she burnt me with her cigarette and the other time she was pulling my hair.
She did not recollect anything of it the next day but did apologize.

I wish someone else had tipped the alcohol out for me to prove to her that she is ruining her self. She now knows but like some other member here if she quits cold turkey she will not function.

I am so glad you are still friends with his partner and are so supportive. My mother has lost all of her friends now and none of them understand what is wrong with her. Or simply just do not know how to deal with her


La Russa, depending on how long you have been with the person it is so hard to leave a loved one for many many many reasons.

Originally Posted by Februa

IMO, this is conscious enabling on your part, if you apologize for what happened, bringing gifts and apologies. Good way to cement in his mind that he is doing nothing wrong, and you indeed are the wrong one for questioning him.
But that is jut MO.

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I have no intention of actually apologising! But I would like to be friends with both of them - these are people whom, in the normal course of events, I see at least once a week. The kind of friend whose kitchen I walk into and put the kettle on, and who do the same with me. So I have to find a way of making up while still registering my disapproval, if that is possible (and it may not be).

Originally Posted by jennyranson

I have no intention of actually apologising! But I would like to be friends with both of them - these are people whom, in the normal course of events, I see at least once a week. The kind of friend whose kitchen I walk into and put the kettle on, and who do the same with me. So I have to find a way of making up while still registering my disapproval, if that is possible (and it may not be).

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Good for you Jenny. I believe they will both be relieved that you are still a friend. I grew up with an alcoholic father who, when he was sober, was the most amazing and wonderful dad. Unfortunately WWII helped turn him into a drunk. The only saving grace was that he was a weekend drunk and during the week held down a steady job, gave my mom his paycheck on Friday night and she would give him his "allowance" for booze while she handled the rest of the money. He loved us and we never went without anything we needed, we didn't have all the stuff we might have "wanted" but we never went without anything we needed.

Seeing the destructive path this man is on, his partner will need your friendship and it's wonderful that you will be there for her.

I understand why you would be upset with this friend, I would be too. However I dont really think dumping the alchohal out will help anything. He's just going to go out and buy more. I think a better thing to do would have been to sit him down in private and have a serious talk with him. Explain how worried you are for him, and maybe see if you could help him find some sort of counciling for his problem. Obviously that may not work either, and at that point you really have to just let him do his own thing. You aren't his mother, it isnt your responsibility to control his actions, only he can do that. I probably would have lost my temper and done the same thing, but it isnt worth the fight, if he cant admit to himself that he has a problem, he'll never change.

I have had the talk - several times. So has his partner. So have several others. He admits he has the problem. He doesn't care, he says he wants to die. Ok, that is his wish. But if he does, she will be left homeless. That is what made me see red.

Originally Posted by jennyranson

I have had the talk - several times. So has his partner. So have several others. He admits he has the problem. He doesn't care, he says he wants to die. Ok, that is his wish. But if he does, she will be left homeless. That is what made me see red.

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he can't leave a will?