Enabling

Recently there was an issue in my life that I have pondered. I know we all agree that we should not "enable" people with a drinking problem or a drug problem, but should we "enable" people with personality issues? What I mean by that is, there are some people who are never happy, always complaining about something or someone, if they won the lottery would find something bad about it to rant about - that kind of person. Then come along the folks that say, "oh you poor dear", "oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry for you", and, well you get the idea and I can't help but wonder if they really mean those platitudes or just think it's the right thing to say to make they themselves look like good and caring folks. The complainers feel vindicated and continue to complain. Now, don't get me wrong, there are folks that do sincerely have streaks of bad luck and need all the support one can give them and I have no problem with that, in fact, I'll be the first one there to give them a hand up because I believe they deserve the chance.

My problem is with the platitudes heaped on chronic complainers. I had a roommate one time that had no self-confidence and felt she couldn't do anything that everyone else could do. I did not cosset her or say, oh you poor thing - I told her to stop feeling sorry for herself and start DOING something. She said, "oh, I can't cook like you" - I asked her if she could read and she said yes so I told her to get a good recipe book and if she can read she can cook if she truly wanted to. Today, she has her own business as a result of going back to school and getting a degree, has a really good sense of self-worth, and is an excellent cook and says it is thanks to me for pushing her to do something instead of sitting there lamenting.

What is your opinion - do you feel that we are enabling chronic complainers by spouting platitudes?

Exactly - for the most part you can ignore it but do you think that constantly spouting platitudes to chronic complainers is helping them or making them worse? I would think that if one did ignore the complaints eventually the person would get the message that the complaints aren't welcome unless they were pretty thick.

Actually my friend, Linda is her name, wouldn't be embarrassed at all - she pretty much tells folks herself that if it weren't for me she probably wouldn't be where she is today which makes me feel pretty good actually.

I agree - it is good to be sympathetic and encouraging to most people. I was specifically addressing folks who constantly complain about many little things and people, not persons with legitimate complaints and the platitudes elicited from some people in those circumstances. And again, I agree, true encouragement should never be rude but it should also be sincere.

Cindy, we are again in agreement. I have no patience for the "woe is me" person that thinks everything is about them. Enabling that mind-set IMO is just making them worse. I just can't manage to do the "oh, you poor thing" bit. I know I may be perceived as a kinder, gentler person if I were able to summon up that sort of thing, but I have to be honest to my self and my own values. I was specifically thinking of my older brother in this as he seems to think he was so hard done by and that my younger brother and I had it so easy compared to him and that everyone should feel so sorry for him. Good grief! Move on already!

That to me is no problem. We ALL need to vent at times but I find there is a difference between venting occasionally and chronic complaining. Like Abbysmom said, her mom complains about everything and my brother is like that and everything bad is usually someone else's fault - he has/had nothing to do with it.

Yes, I do believe I mentioned my brother and used my ex-roomie as an example of why I think it sometimes is kinder to be blunt to give that needed boot in the bottom and stop feeling sorry for yourself thing.

That ex-roomie is still one of my closest and dearest friends of nearly 40 years now so no harm done. And, I still have a loving and good relationship with my brother even though he constantly complains - I just don't let him get away with the "woe is me" nonsense.

As to internet "friends", I do believe that after awhile it is possible to pick out those that genuinely have valid beefs and those that just beef for the sake of beefing. The latter are the ones it is best to just ignore because for the life of me I cannot give insincere platitudes - not in real life and not on the internet.

And that is the point - those sycophants are not doing this man justice. They personally know him (which is what this thread actually is about - not internet "friends") and rather than trying to help him to become a whole person are just blowing him off in a sense. How does that help him? It would be better for him if they just stopped spending any time with him altogether and let him learn to stand on his own 2 feet if they are unable to be a true, honest and caring friend. They are being less than honest with him and themselves and that's not something to be proud of IMO.

A few times a year surely cannot hurt though. Due to distance alone, I only see my brother about once every 5 or 6 years and speak on the telephone for birthdays or other special occasions like Thanksgiving, Christmas or the like. When he starts complaining I find an excuse to get off the phone like, oops I have to go bath the cat.

And therein lie the magic words. There are some folks that are not going to be helped either way.

There is also a big, big, huge difference between "enabling" and "encouraging" IMO. They both start with "en" and end with "ing" but there the similarity ends.

I'll be first in line to encourage someone who truly wants to better themselves and even do everything even physically possible if required, but will do nothing for someone who wants to wallow in self-pity.