attached to the wrong person

bean

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I really don't know anything about cats other than they are nothing like dogs so I hope someone can help with this.

My teenage daughter got a kitten from my mother but he seems to have attached himself to me even though I haven't done anything to encourage his affection. Before we moved he spent a lot more time with my daughter but in our new apartment he follows me everywhere and sleeps part of the night with me.

He's not a particularly cuddly fellow and cries pathetically when he's being held; this has been the case since he was tiny (he's now 11 months old). As long as he's not being held he likes affection well enough but as soon as you pick him up he puts his head back with his eyes closed and wails like an infant. My daughter pets him and tries to love him and I've told her that maybe she should try not picking him up, but I'm afraid he's bonded with me - is there anything we can do to make him love her more and me less? She's going to want to take him with her when she moves one day and the way things are I can't see that being a good thing for the cat. Am I right to be concerned?
 

yayi

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Cats are particular about the way they want to be handled. They don't like being forced into anything so you are correct when you told your daughter not to pick him up or pet him when he prefers not to be.
Tell your daughter to give him treats whenever he approaches her for a cuddle. She should be the only one to take care of his needs - food, water, etc. Always speak to him in a gentle voice and most important, be patient.
There is one thing that bothers me though, I've never had a wailing cat in my arms (unless it is in pain). If they don't want to be held, they usually squirm, push and jump away. Have you asked your vet about it?
 
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bean

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He has been to the vet, no pain, just a little odd.
He's done that since he was tiny and as soon as he's let go he purrs his heart out, just hates being held.

Thanks for the tips, I'll get her to carry treats in her pocket or something, he loves his treats. She and my son do all the cat care. I don't do ANYTHING with the cats other than a quick pet and a scratch behind the ear or under his chin, that's why I'm baffled as to why he appears so taken with me.
 

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Cats are usually? mostly? often? contrarians. Have a party - in a room full of people - the cat will zoom staight for the person that hates cats. This is because the person that hates cats does not LOOK at the cat. Looking into a kitties eyes is a sign of aggression. Our pets learn it isn't, of course, but whenever we feel like our cats are neglecting us, instead of seeking them out, we start ignoring them. Works like a charm.

Your daughter should definitely take care of all of kitty's needs, especially cleaning his boxes and feeding him - even if your family free feeds and all she does is fill the food bowl when it needs it.

Definitely stop trying to pick him up. And definitely use food to "bribe" him.

...but also tell her to to not look at him. Look over his head or at his forehead - for now, definitely do not look directly in his eyes.

Other than that - tell her just pay attention to what he wants and force nothing on him. The harder you try, the more they resist.
If he's up for playing, play. If not - don't try to make him. If he wants to be petted, pet - but if he runs away or puts his paw on her hand - don't pet and let him go.

...and remind her that one of the things that makes cats so wonderful is that they are so completely CAT - they live life totally on their own terms, and there's no better way to get a cat to want attention from you than by completely ignoring him/her.


Quick last thought.... maybe move his feeding station to her room. If he gets fed meals, maybe she should feed them to him in her room.
 
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bean

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Thanks, I'll make sure she gets all this information. She now has a bag of treats in her pocket and he is definately paying more attentiont to her. She and her brother take turns doing the cat feeding etc. but we can alter that a bit for when they get thier wet food - Ivan does love food! Unfortunately the food can't move to her bedroom because she also has a sheltie and they are some of the greediest dogs on the planet.
 

mmfh

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You don't say how old your daughter is but I wonder if she isn't as gentle with him as she thinks? Just thinking out loud there but one thing to remember is that a cats world is ruled pretty much by smells.

Maybe he just likes the way you smell more than your daughter or the tone of your voice is calming. Keep doing what you are doing but sometimes cats just pick who they want to hang out with.

Are you home during the day and your daughter is at school? If you are there most of the time he will attach himself to you.

Maybe if she plays with him with catnip scented toys?

Just thinking out loud!
Good Luck!

Mm
 

momofmany

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Originally Posted by yayi

If they don't want to be held, they usually squirm, push and jump away. Have you asked your vet about it?
I actually have a cat (Koko) that wails when you try to hold her. She loves to snuggle, but only on her own terms and only with the people that she chooses. This isn't abnormal, but it is rare.

I agree with others and would add that your daughter needs to find interactive toys like wands and play with her. Make their interactions happy times and the cat will be attracted to her more. My Koko prefers my husband over me in general until it is play or feeding time, then she's all my girl.
 
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bean

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My daughter is 16, gentle and homeschooled so that's not it.
The smell thing is interesting to know.

Something happened today that never happened before and there is no way I'm telling my daughter about it, she'd feel terrible. Ivan was doing his best to come between me and my computer so I scooped him up while I was reading and suddenly realized he was purring and I was still holding him! This is very weird since NO ONE has ever been able to hold him before without being treated to a pitiful wailing! I would be flattered if I didn't feel so bad for my daughter.

I was thinking about the eye contact thing and this is also true with dogs. I was wondering if there weren't more calming signals and like behaviour that I'm doing out of habit as a dog trainer that makes him like me. Is there an old thread or article on cat communication or something I might be able to look up? I found one on a site but when I clicked on the link it took me to an article on cat urine - not quite what I was looking for.
 

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I think HE'S chosen YOU.


I have one cat who's a snuggle bug in bed, but she only tolerates being held for about 2.3 seconds before she bolts out of your arms. However, if I'm at the computer and she's not feeling well or she's hungry, she'll climb up on my chest and snuggle and purr away. Go figure!
 

momofmany

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Originally Posted by bean

I was thinking about the eye contact thing and this is also true with dogs. I was wondering if there weren't more calming signals and like behaviour that I'm doing out of habit as a dog trainer that makes him like me. Is there an old thread or article on cat communication or something I might be able to look up? I found one on a site but when I clicked on the link it took me to an article on cat urine - not quite what I was looking for.
There are things all over the place here, and what comes to mind are things that people use to socialize feral cats and the things you do with them to bond. They may work in your situation.

Staring at a cat is threatening, but if you catch a cat's eyes, slowly blink your own. This is a greeting between cats (some of mine will eye blink back at me).

Cats are also threatened by anything that towers over them. Have your daughter get down on her level (e.g. sit on the floor) and play from there.

If your cat sleeps in a particular spot, put something that smells like your daughter in that spot. A t-shirt that has been used for exercise is a good choice.

Do you and your daughter use the same hair shampoo? Perhaps have your daughter switch to yours or you change to a citrus scent (which cats don't usually like).
 

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This kitty sounds a lot like Scaredy, the young feral female I rescued from outside a year ago. She may have at one time had a home, but I fed her under a fence for weeks, and she had no "social with people" skills whatsoever.

At this point, Scaredy likes me (her 100% caregiver), tolerates the rest of the family, except for my 17 year old son, whom she despises. He has tried endlessly to make up to her; she's not having it. We tried giving her treats on his t-shirt to get used to his scent; Scaredy wouldn't eat the treats! And from the looks of Scaredy, she loves treats.

I'm not sure it's anything you have done or haven't done - I think this cat just prefers you, for whatever reason. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. But I'm not sure this kitty will be happy leaving with your daughter some day.

In our case, Dusty absolutely LOVES my son, we got him when Matt was 8, as a family cat. But when Matt goes to college next year, Dusty is staying here. Matt will be home, (I hope!) on visits, and will see Dusty then. Would your daughter be at all content knowing she could visit her kitty at your house?

The advice the others gave is very good, maybe in time, the kitty will come to enjoy your daughter's company as much as yours.
 
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bean

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Thank you all very much. My daughter is putting in a good effort so we'll see what happens but I'm afraid that he will be a very unhappy kitty if she were to move and take him. My brother lived with a girl for a while and the cat was technically hers but loved him. When they broke up and he moved out the cat went a little strange and got very aggressive. I just don't want anything like that to happen, he's a very sweet cat.

I thought the shampoo thing was interesting, we do use the same kind, but it's a strong smelling tea tree shampoo - something a cat would like?

He did let my son hold him for a minute yesterday so maybe (hopefully) he's just starting to think the idea of being held is a good thing and will let her do it soon too.
 

otto

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Originally Posted by bean

Thanks, I'll make sure she gets all this information. She now has a bag of treats in her pocket and he is definately paying more attentiont to her. She and her brother take turns doing the cat feeding etc. but we can alter that a bit for when they get thier wet food - Ivan does love food! Unfortunately the food can't move to her bedroom because she also has a sheltie and they are some of the greediest dogs on the planet.
I would like to add something to this. Cat treats are generally not nutritionally complete. too many treats can either cause a cat to not eat enough of his own food and be malnourished and/or cause obesity.

Instead of treats perhaps have your daughter try carrying kibble pieces.

Originally Posted by stephanietx

I think HE'S chosen YOU.


I have one cat who's a snuggle bug in bed, but she only tolerates being held for about 2.3 seconds before she bolts out of your arms. However, if I'm at the computer and she's not feeling well or she's hungry, she'll climb up on my chest and snuggle and purr away. Go figure!
I agree with this. You have been chosen. You can't force love and animals do choose. You may want to reconsider letting your daughter take Ivan when she leaves home, if he is that attached to you.

Perhaps another kitty for her.
 
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bean

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I know dog food is exactly that, dog food, but could she use that in place of the treats. It's not junk food like most of what's out there and uses real meat, not by products and who knows what all else; or could it still make him sick? It isnt' like she gives him five at a time either, just one here and there. She's grown up with me saying "It's a treat, not a meal!"


I'm only asking because I'm not sure he'll think something he can have for free would be worth the trip. We keep a bowl full for Jasmine, my son's cat, who is a bit of a fraidy cat and doesn't eat as much as she probably should. So far Ivan isn't a bad weight but I'd hate for him to become obese.
 

otto

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Originally Posted by bean

I know dog food is exactly that, dog food, but could she use that in place of the treats. It's not junk food like most of what's out there and uses real meat, not by products and who knows what all else; or could it still make him sick? It isnt' like she gives him five at a time either, just one here and there. She's grown up with me saying "It's a treat, not a meal!"


I'm only asking because I'm not sure he'll think something he can have for free would be worth the trip. We keep a bowl full for Jasmine, my son's cat, who is a bit of a fraidy cat and doesn't eat as much as she probably should. So far Ivan isn't a bad weight but I'd hate for him to become obese.
In my opinion, cats should not be given dog food, ever. Dogs and cats have very different nutritional needs. The ingredients may seem the same, but the quantities and ratios are not.

If Ivan is ending up only getting about five treats total a day, then I don't think there is any problem. But she should keep track, rather than just carrying the bag, count out a certain number in a baggie and just carry those.

Too many treats, including dog food, can create a problem eater, finickyness, lack of proper nutrition and obesity.

She could always carry a different flavor or brand entirely of nutritionally complete cat kibble, for treats. For instance if Ivan eats Wellness as his main food, give him Innova kibble for treats.

Then it wouldn't matter whether he filled up on treats or his dinner.
 
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bean

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Oh excellent idea! Thank you very much. I have to go over to town today anyhow, I'll pick up some of the cat variety of what I'm feeding the dogs.
 

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I have to say that cats crack me up because to some extent cats will do as they please. I think you have gotten a lot of good advice to help the kitty learn that your daughter is the main source of good things.
 
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bean

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Well, my mom wrote me an email this morning saying how terrible she was feeling about taking the four kittens whose mother had taken up residence in their barn to the SPCA. Mom just feels sick when she has animals and doesn't know the people that they're going to. My daughter liked one of them when I helped Mom catch them last weekend and so, since they are just weaning age now, we're going to take one and Ivan (whose name should be and from now on will be spelled Eyvan) will be my cat
.

I'm sure in the middle of the night I will wake up screaming "NO! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" but until that happens I'm going to tell myself this is a good thing. As it is, I've been assured I still won't have to clean the litter box and they will take care of the cat bills as long as I take care of the dog bills.
 
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bean

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Originally Posted by cheylink

How many animals are in your home?
Two border collies, a sheltie and two cats; the kitten will make three cats.
 
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