I have a hole in my door....

So tonight I had a class where we had a test. The teacher decided to have us watch a movie before the test adn after the movie we took a break. I called my mom to complain about having to wait an hour to take the test and she tells me of what is happening at home. My dad dumped the rest of my brothers whiskey, which apparently was only a tad bit, and my brother I guess went all crazy. He is only 21, no job, got a DUI before he turned 21 so he cant drive right now. Anywho he is an alcoholic,drinks every night and even before going to class, we dont know where he is getting the money to buy the alcohol because no one gives it to him...Anywho since I was not there I am not sure of the details. Somewhere along the fight of my dad and brother, my brother smashes in my door...which I had locked so he wouldnt go into my room. When I say smash i mean SMASH. All the way through, there is a huge hole, and about 3 feet of the door is ripped off...this was a heavier door than what I had before. REWIND a few years...my brother broke down my door, the whole thing and ruined the thing around the door where it latches...so even when I got a new door it never latched , you could push my door open and couldnt lock it. SO my dad recently as in a month ago had a guy fix the whole thing, I got a new latch thing and a new heavy door that locked.....well so much for that. I have no privacy and cant sleep with a hole, so I have a towel covering it . My dad got knocked down by my brother, and among other things happened. I didnt want to come home, but I needed my laptop to do my homework for tomorrow. I was going to go back to school but my dad convinced me to stay.

Sooo I have decided once my aunt and uncle and cousins move out of my grandparents which should be soon, im going to possibly move in for a bit with my grandparents....leaving all my kitties and dog behind, although I can some during the day and see them. I just cant handle this with all my shcool work, working and all, I have no time to be stressed out because of my "safety" here. I really just dont know what to do anymore.

my mother is an alcoholic and i can completely understand where you are coming from. It is hard to watch them waste their life away like this and it is definetely unbearable to live with them.
I moved out at 18 with an ex and when things didnt work out i had to move back home, i couldnt wait to leave again! at 20 i got my own place.

Mum still abuses me over the internet when she is drunk.
All you can do for now is offer your brother support and suggest he goes into rehab.

I'm sorry you are having to live through all of that

You say your brother is 21 years old? It's about time that your Mom and Dad did the tough love thing and kicked your brother out of the house. All they are doing is enabling him by letting him live at home without any responsibility.

Your brother needs to hit rock bottom before he seeks help. Your parents giving him the boot and not letting him move back home no matter what guilt he showers on them, is the first step. From there it's up to your brother. He will find a friend to stay with, and eventually get kicked out, and move on to the next one etc. He will have to get a job to support himself. He will ultimately lose that job and another. Eventually he will find himself evaluating his life and hopefully admitting that he has a problem and will seek help on his own.

But nothing will change so long as he's living at home. All that it's doing is hurting the family and causing loads of stress on all of you.

I'm sorry you have to live with this type of violence. Perhaps you could take your cats to your grandmother's with you? Who will care for them if you don't?

Good for you for getting out of that situation, you don't need to be in the middle of anything!

Something you might casually mention to your parents is that your brother may need some psychological testing. There was a similar incident with one of my husbands friend's (very similar, but he wasn't drinking, he was smoking) after he attacked his father, they carted him off to the doctor and discovered he wasn't bi-polar as was previously thought but full on schizophrenic.

He's now on meds to control his problems, and is FAR more even tempered. I wouldn't say he's out of the house because he keeps breaking up with his girlfriend and moving back home (kid stuff!) then getting back together and moving out... He still has a hard time keeping a job or any interest but he's just generally doing MUCH MUCH better.

I know mental illness can be a real taboo in allot of families and maybe something no one has considered.

My dad thinks my brother is bi-polar and asked the dr. about it...lets just say the dr. was no help in trying to help on this situation. The biggest issue is my mom...my dad has been ready to kick him out for years, but my mom wont hear of it, she says he needs help, but like you said she is inabling him by babing him. It is so frustrating to be in the middle of my parents, my mom complains to me, my dad complains to me....it never ends. My dad wants my brother to sign up for the national guard or something, since he really is wasting his life away. I wouldnt be able to bring my kitties because my grandma has two indoor cats and they are too old to accept any new cats, and my dog cant come becuase of that same thing. My dad would take care of them and I would stop by every once and a while to see my babies. If I had the money, id move out myself but becasue of school I cant work most days .

Your brother sounds like he's an alcoholic. He needs help. But he needs to acknowledge that he needs help before he can get it.

Originally Posted by Nes

Something you might casually mention to your parents is that your brother may need some psychological testing. There was a similar incident with one of my husbands friend's (very similar, but he wasn't drinking, he was smoking) after he attacked his father, they carted him off to the doctor and discovered he wasn't bi-polar as was previously thought but full on schizophrenic.

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Scary, but it's good that they realized that he really needed help. Often people don't just have a drug or drinking problem, there's something else making them dependent on these substances - poorly self medicating, if you wish to be more technical.


JuneBug - what type of doctor did your father ask? A medical doctor will not be able to help, this isn't what they're trained for. You brother should be seen by a psychiatrist. Through seeing a specialist both his alcoholism and the underlying problem should hopefully be helped. If he's dangerous to himself or others your father may be able to get him committed...

I grew up with a father like that. We had to hang up tapestries, pictures, and posters to hide all the holes in the walls and doors he made. He still drinks a lot but luckily doesn't go into rages when drunk anymore. Instead he's just mean and verbally abusive. Of course he's that way sober, too. I strongly suspect my father has OCPD among other things.

Is OCPD something different or did you mean OCD (obsessive compulsive?). I can tell you my dad has OCD and would yell sometimes but he was NEVER physically abusive or destructive (but everyone is different).

Yes hubby's friend now fully admits he's been self-medicating. Thankfully he's now on REAL medication too!

Originally Posted by Nes

Is OCPD something different or did you mean OCD (obsessive compulsive?). I can tell you my dad has OCD and would yell sometimes but he was NEVER physically abusive or destructive (but everyone is different).

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It's different. The P is there for personality - it's a personality disorder. It makes him an extra perfectionist that is critical of others to the point of being cruel. He also has major impulse control problems. He was making a $100K + salary at one point with extra bonuses. He got himself into even worse debt and burned some major bridges because he's what people would consider an extremely grating a**hole. I'm not even going to get started on all of his rules. He once blew up about a shirt being improperly folded. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ocpd vague, but covers some of it.

He's toned down a lot over the last few years. I think years of drinking have destroyed some of his memory.

OCD isn't a personality disorder. People with this have behaviors such as the well known handwashing. If they don't complete said ritual like behavior they get anxious - usually the behavior(s) is all they can think about. Hoarders fall into this, too, because they typically have some fear that if they get rid of or throw something away something terrible will happen.

Moving in with your grandparents sounds like a good plan.

You can't control what others do so telling them what they need to do is a waste of time. But you do have some control over what you do.

Leaving the pets will be tough. But you need to look out for yourself. that things get better.