I felt a bit inspired by Mais post on my thread about the phone call. It made me stop and think. I thought it was about time I sat down and was honest. Not really for every one here but more importantly with myself. Though I would like to post this here because I think I shouldn't hide anymore. I'm guessing when I post this most people won't want to speak to me.But I think honesty is so important and I have been lying to myself for far to long.
For a long time now I have felt an overwhelming need to have a house full of cats (don't worry I havn't got tonns of cats in my house or anything)! However June last year I bought a cat. His name was Caspian. He was an adorable cat from the pet shop. He looked just like the cat I used to have as a child. He imediantly became very special to me. Around Christmas time last year I added two more who I found off the internet. I named them Tiramisu and Chantilly. They were stunning cats. A couple of weeks later I added another one Vienna. So then there were four. On the day before new years eve. Tiramisu and Caspian began to fight. Caspian grabbed her tail and made her tail bleed. I needed to rush to an emergency vet and pay £100 for emergency care for Tiramisu. When I brought them home Caspian kept attacking Tiramisu and I didn't know what to do. I was a lone in my flat, scared for Tiramisu and I felt compeltely hopeless. I tossed and turned in my bed. I was worried so much. What if Caspian bit Tiramisu again? I didn't have another £100. I placed the three girls in a cat carrier and my boy in another carrier. I quietly went out placed them on the doorstep of a family with the words "I am sorry please phone rescue" written taped on each one. I didn't go out or eat for days. I cried and cried. I felt so a lone and worried so much for those four cats. Where they ok? Where were they? Tiramisu was ill she needed her tablet.
I lied to my friends, family, *cringe* on here, every one I knew, I said some one had broken into my house and my cats had run off. Hell I even said it to my support worker. I lapped up their sympathy, I was feeling rotten, the sympathy felt good. I knew I could never tell any one what really happened. It broke my heart that I couldn't. I was so worried about these cats yet I had done the cruelest thing to them.
Caspain a week later appeared on my doorstep I brought him in. I was so relieved. I loved him so much. I had Caspian for a month. I still remember the way he used to carry the pouches of food around when he was hungry. Oh man I miss him so much anyway, a month later some one I know tells me a feral cat has made a home in her shed and has had kittens. This person I know told me she had managed to bring in one of these kittens indoors. I said I would save this kitten (I felt a sort of duty to help this kitten after the horrid thing I'd done to Tiramisu, Chantilly etc). Caspian was rough and very dominant with her. I had to keep the feral kitten in the bathroom to keep her away from Caspian. After two weeks I decided I would keep the feral kitten and rehome Caspian. The situation was not getting better. Caspian was rough he would claw me and bite me when playing. So I chose to keep the feral kitten. Caspian was rehomed a few days later. I cried and cried again. The feral kitten was ill. She had constant diohrea unless fed roast chicken breast (expensive). She also wasn't picking up on her litter tray training. She also started biting quite visciously.
I was at college at the time. after all the drama that had gone on and all the upset I had caused myself. I went down to one day a week. Meaning I would not get the qualification I had been studying for, I would get a certificate of achievment instead. (Ironicly I was doing animal care).
Anyway this kitten had a lot of issues. I got so stressed because nothing I tried seemed to work. I felt rotten because I couldn't trust the kitten to be anywhere apart from the bathroom. I rehomed this kitten after two weeks. I did explain the problems she had. That she had been feral and would need time to learn litter tray etc. So off the poor feral baby went.
For three months I concentrated on my studies and had no cats. I missed having a pet cat. Good or bad either way I love cats. So I decided in March this year I would take on one cat. I wouldn't make the mistake I had made before. I vowed I wouldn't overwhelm myself. Just one cat. Well loved and well cared for. So I went to the pet shop. They had the most adorable kittens. I looked at them and thought two wouldn't hurt. After all two could play together. So I brought home Symphony and Amadeus.
I continued with my college work and worked hard for two months. Things seemed to be working out. In May I went out to buy one more kitten to join us. I thought, it would be nice to have one more. Nefertiti a small little black kitten was in the market. I paid for her, scooped her up and brought her home.
Things continued to feel good. I kept up with the vaccination apointments and my course work. In the end I came out with a Distinction certificate. So not a pass not a merit it's in the middle. I was pleased with it though.
June came and I had a lot of spare time on my hands. I was sort of unsure of my future. Hoping to hear back from colleges, trying to work out what it was I actually wanted to do with the rest of my life. I had had one lousy interview (they judged me on my not so great attendence at college). I decided I wanted just one more kitten. One more would balance it out a bit. So off to another pet shop I went. And home came Galileo. I lied about this bit again to every one. I had said to every one that Galileo had come from a friends house who needed to find a home for a kitten. Looking back I don't get why I made that up. I guess saying I've bought a kitten from a pet shop had happened a little too often and I was scared of sounding odd. How ironice. Anyway Galileo came home.
Now I had four cats. Galileo got conjuctivitis. We got through that. My support worker at the time came to see me. I remember I was wearing pijamas and I had been in bed all weekend. She said I looked tired. I told her I was scared about the future. She asked why I had so many cats. I explained they were my family. She told me it wasn't healthy and I felt deep down maybe she was right. I was scared of feeding them E numbers and additives. So I spent a lot on good quality food for them. It left me with not so much to feed myself. I hadn't eaten all weekend. I insisted it was my budgeting that was at fault. There where other things too like the litter trays and making sure they wern't stinking the flat out.
When she went I began to try and re-evalute my life. I had an interview to study on a course that would make it possible for me to get my GCSEs the grades I should have got when I left school. That interview was only a week away. I began to think. I need to make it so my life is as easy as possible. Come September I need to work as hard as I can for these grades. I need to do well in life. I decided the number of cats I had (with some help from my support worker) was too many. So I decided to rehome one. I couldn't decide so what helped me choose was the order in witch I had bought them. Galileo had been with me the least amount of time. So I placed an add in the paper and he was gone. Again I made a story up and thrived off sympathy from others. I repeated the story to friends and family. I couldn't bare to tell people the truth. I couldn't bare to say I couldn't cope. I didn't want to sound bad. I didn't want to sound like I couldn't cope. By lying to my friends and family, I was also lying to myself.
So Galileo was gone. I was finding all this upset to painful to bare. I asked my mum and dad if they would find a new home for two of my cats. I explained I might find it easier just having one cat when I start college.I don't think they really understood why i felt this way. I had made the exterior of I am fine I can cope. I said it would be upsetting rehoming them. So they agreed to take them for me. So Symphony and Nefertiti got put in a cat carrier together and taken off to my parents. Amadeus was the first chosen so I decided I would keep him.
Two weeks later, parents hadn't rehomed them they had one potential home pending for one of them. I was beside myself with worry for these cats. I said sorry to my parents and explained I had made a mistake. Symphony and Nefertiti came home.
I heard I had got into college. My friends and family where encouraging me to maybe just keep one. My support worker was thinking it was a good idea too for me just to have one. I guess that makes a hell of a lot more sense now you've read about all the others. So I put an advert in the paper. A very nice lady came round. She chose Amadeus and Symphony. I felt like I trusted her and felt sure Amadeus and Symphony would be going to a good home.
So I was left with Nefertiti. One month later I started college. College is going great. I think I'm going to do well this year.
Last week I went out. I thought maybe it would be nice to just add one more to us. I went to the market the same place Nefertiti came from. They had two kittens. Adorable tabbys. I could not choose between them so Rumpleteazer and Mungo-Jerry came home with me.
Now I am sitting here crying. I am glad I have wrote all that down. If you've read it all you probably think I'm a nasty piece of work. The crazy thing is though I loved all those cats so much. I think I need to show this to my support worker. It's crazy to think all this has happened since just June last year.
I'm not looking for any sympathy or any one to be a shrink or anything. I just wanted to get this all out to be honest with myself and those on here. I am so sorry to you all and more importantly all those poor animals.
I don't really know what else to say now. Reading this back has honestly shocked me...
For a long time now I have felt an overwhelming need to have a house full of cats (don't worry I havn't got tonns of cats in my house or anything)! However June last year I bought a cat. His name was Caspian. He was an adorable cat from the pet shop. He looked just like the cat I used to have as a child. He imediantly became very special to me. Around Christmas time last year I added two more who I found off the internet. I named them Tiramisu and Chantilly. They were stunning cats. A couple of weeks later I added another one Vienna. So then there were four. On the day before new years eve. Tiramisu and Caspian began to fight. Caspian grabbed her tail and made her tail bleed. I needed to rush to an emergency vet and pay £100 for emergency care for Tiramisu. When I brought them home Caspian kept attacking Tiramisu and I didn't know what to do. I was a lone in my flat, scared for Tiramisu and I felt compeltely hopeless. I tossed and turned in my bed. I was worried so much. What if Caspian bit Tiramisu again? I didn't have another £100. I placed the three girls in a cat carrier and my boy in another carrier. I quietly went out placed them on the doorstep of a family with the words "I am sorry please phone rescue" written taped on each one. I didn't go out or eat for days. I cried and cried. I felt so a lone and worried so much for those four cats. Where they ok? Where were they? Tiramisu was ill she needed her tablet.
I lied to my friends, family, *cringe* on here, every one I knew, I said some one had broken into my house and my cats had run off. Hell I even said it to my support worker. I lapped up their sympathy, I was feeling rotten, the sympathy felt good. I knew I could never tell any one what really happened. It broke my heart that I couldn't. I was so worried about these cats yet I had done the cruelest thing to them.
Caspain a week later appeared on my doorstep I brought him in. I was so relieved. I loved him so much. I had Caspian for a month. I still remember the way he used to carry the pouches of food around when he was hungry. Oh man I miss him so much anyway, a month later some one I know tells me a feral cat has made a home in her shed and has had kittens. This person I know told me she had managed to bring in one of these kittens indoors. I said I would save this kitten (I felt a sort of duty to help this kitten after the horrid thing I'd done to Tiramisu, Chantilly etc). Caspian was rough and very dominant with her. I had to keep the feral kitten in the bathroom to keep her away from Caspian. After two weeks I decided I would keep the feral kitten and rehome Caspian. The situation was not getting better. Caspian was rough he would claw me and bite me when playing. So I chose to keep the feral kitten. Caspian was rehomed a few days later. I cried and cried again. The feral kitten was ill. She had constant diohrea unless fed roast chicken breast (expensive). She also wasn't picking up on her litter tray training. She also started biting quite visciously.
I was at college at the time. after all the drama that had gone on and all the upset I had caused myself. I went down to one day a week. Meaning I would not get the qualification I had been studying for, I would get a certificate of achievment instead. (Ironicly I was doing animal care).
Anyway this kitten had a lot of issues. I got so stressed because nothing I tried seemed to work. I felt rotten because I couldn't trust the kitten to be anywhere apart from the bathroom. I rehomed this kitten after two weeks. I did explain the problems she had. That she had been feral and would need time to learn litter tray etc. So off the poor feral baby went.
For three months I concentrated on my studies and had no cats. I missed having a pet cat. Good or bad either way I love cats. So I decided in March this year I would take on one cat. I wouldn't make the mistake I had made before. I vowed I wouldn't overwhelm myself. Just one cat. Well loved and well cared for. So I went to the pet shop. They had the most adorable kittens. I looked at them and thought two wouldn't hurt. After all two could play together. So I brought home Symphony and Amadeus.
I continued with my college work and worked hard for two months. Things seemed to be working out. In May I went out to buy one more kitten to join us. I thought, it would be nice to have one more. Nefertiti a small little black kitten was in the market. I paid for her, scooped her up and brought her home.
Things continued to feel good. I kept up with the vaccination apointments and my course work. In the end I came out with a Distinction certificate. So not a pass not a merit it's in the middle. I was pleased with it though.
June came and I had a lot of spare time on my hands. I was sort of unsure of my future. Hoping to hear back from colleges, trying to work out what it was I actually wanted to do with the rest of my life. I had had one lousy interview (they judged me on my not so great attendence at college). I decided I wanted just one more kitten. One more would balance it out a bit. So off to another pet shop I went. And home came Galileo. I lied about this bit again to every one. I had said to every one that Galileo had come from a friends house who needed to find a home for a kitten. Looking back I don't get why I made that up. I guess saying I've bought a kitten from a pet shop had happened a little too often and I was scared of sounding odd. How ironice. Anyway Galileo came home.
Now I had four cats. Galileo got conjuctivitis. We got through that. My support worker at the time came to see me. I remember I was wearing pijamas and I had been in bed all weekend. She said I looked tired. I told her I was scared about the future. She asked why I had so many cats. I explained they were my family. She told me it wasn't healthy and I felt deep down maybe she was right. I was scared of feeding them E numbers and additives. So I spent a lot on good quality food for them. It left me with not so much to feed myself. I hadn't eaten all weekend. I insisted it was my budgeting that was at fault. There where other things too like the litter trays and making sure they wern't stinking the flat out.
When she went I began to try and re-evalute my life. I had an interview to study on a course that would make it possible for me to get my GCSEs the grades I should have got when I left school. That interview was only a week away. I began to think. I need to make it so my life is as easy as possible. Come September I need to work as hard as I can for these grades. I need to do well in life. I decided the number of cats I had (with some help from my support worker) was too many. So I decided to rehome one. I couldn't decide so what helped me choose was the order in witch I had bought them. Galileo had been with me the least amount of time. So I placed an add in the paper and he was gone. Again I made a story up and thrived off sympathy from others. I repeated the story to friends and family. I couldn't bare to tell people the truth. I couldn't bare to say I couldn't cope. I didn't want to sound bad. I didn't want to sound like I couldn't cope. By lying to my friends and family, I was also lying to myself.
So Galileo was gone. I was finding all this upset to painful to bare. I asked my mum and dad if they would find a new home for two of my cats. I explained I might find it easier just having one cat when I start college.I don't think they really understood why i felt this way. I had made the exterior of I am fine I can cope. I said it would be upsetting rehoming them. So they agreed to take them for me. So Symphony and Nefertiti got put in a cat carrier together and taken off to my parents. Amadeus was the first chosen so I decided I would keep him.
Two weeks later, parents hadn't rehomed them they had one potential home pending for one of them. I was beside myself with worry for these cats. I said sorry to my parents and explained I had made a mistake. Symphony and Nefertiti came home.
I heard I had got into college. My friends and family where encouraging me to maybe just keep one. My support worker was thinking it was a good idea too for me just to have one. I guess that makes a hell of a lot more sense now you've read about all the others. So I put an advert in the paper. A very nice lady came round. She chose Amadeus and Symphony. I felt like I trusted her and felt sure Amadeus and Symphony would be going to a good home.
So I was left with Nefertiti. One month later I started college. College is going great. I think I'm going to do well this year.
Last week I went out. I thought maybe it would be nice to just add one more to us. I went to the market the same place Nefertiti came from. They had two kittens. Adorable tabbys. I could not choose between them so Rumpleteazer and Mungo-Jerry came home with me.
Now I am sitting here crying. I am glad I have wrote all that down. If you've read it all you probably think I'm a nasty piece of work. The crazy thing is though I loved all those cats so much. I think I need to show this to my support worker. It's crazy to think all this has happened since just June last year.
I'm not looking for any sympathy or any one to be a shrink or anything. I just wanted to get this all out to be honest with myself and those on here. I am so sorry to you all and more importantly all those poor animals.
I don't really know what else to say now. Reading this back has honestly shocked me...