Time for the truth (long)

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russiankitten

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I felt a bit inspired by Mais post on my thread about the phone call. It made me stop and think. I thought it was about time I sat down and was honest. Not really for every one here but more importantly with myself. Though I would like to post this here because I think I shouldn't hide anymore. I'm guessing when I post this most people won't want to speak to me.But I think honesty is so important and I have been lying to myself for far to long.

For a long time now I have felt an overwhelming need to have a house full of cats (don't worry I havn't got tonns of cats in my house or anything)! However June last year I bought a cat. His name was Caspian. He was an adorable cat from the pet shop. He looked just like the cat I used to have as a child. He imediantly became very special to me. Around Christmas time last year I added two more who I found off the internet. I named them Tiramisu and Chantilly. They were stunning cats. A couple of weeks later I added another one Vienna. So then there were four. On the day before new years eve. Tiramisu and Caspian began to fight. Caspian grabbed her tail and made her tail bleed. I needed to rush to an emergency vet and pay £100 for emergency care for Tiramisu. When I brought them home Caspian kept attacking Tiramisu and I didn't know what to do. I was a lone in my flat, scared for Tiramisu and I felt compeltely hopeless. I tossed and turned in my bed. I was worried so much. What if Caspian bit Tiramisu again? I didn't have another £100. I placed the three girls in a cat carrier and my boy in another carrier. I quietly went out placed them on the doorstep of a family with the words "I am sorry please phone rescue" written taped on each one. I didn't go out or eat for days. I cried and cried. I felt so a lone and worried so much for those four cats. Where they ok? Where were they? Tiramisu was ill she needed her tablet.
I lied to my friends, family, *cringe* on here, every one I knew, I said some one had broken into my house and my cats had run off. Hell I even said it to my support worker. I lapped up their sympathy, I was feeling rotten, the sympathy felt good. I knew I could never tell any one what really happened. It broke my heart that I couldn't. I was so worried about these cats yet I had done the cruelest thing to them.

Caspain a week later appeared on my doorstep I brought him in. I was so relieved. I loved him so much. I had Caspian for a month. I still remember the way he used to carry the pouches of food around when he was hungry. Oh man I miss him so much anyway, a month later some one I know tells me a feral cat has made a home in her shed and has had kittens. This person I know told me she had managed to bring in one of these kittens indoors. I said I would save this kitten (I felt a sort of duty to help this kitten after the horrid thing I'd done to Tiramisu, Chantilly etc). Caspian was rough and very dominant with her. I had to keep the feral kitten in the bathroom to keep her away from Caspian. After two weeks I decided I would keep the feral kitten and rehome Caspian. The situation was not getting better. Caspian was rough he would claw me and bite me when playing. So I chose to keep the feral kitten. Caspian was rehomed a few days later. I cried and cried again. The feral kitten was ill. She had constant diohrea unless fed roast chicken breast (expensive). She also wasn't picking up on her litter tray training. She also started biting quite visciously.

I was at college at the time. after all the drama that had gone on and all the upset I had caused myself. I went down to one day a week. Meaning I would not get the qualification I had been studying for, I would get a certificate of achievment instead. (Ironicly I was doing animal care).

Anyway this kitten had a lot of issues. I got so stressed because nothing I tried seemed to work. I felt rotten because I couldn't trust the kitten to be anywhere apart from the bathroom. I rehomed this kitten after two weeks. I did explain the problems she had. That she had been feral and would need time to learn litter tray etc. So off the poor feral baby went.

For three months I concentrated on my studies and had no cats. I missed having a pet cat. Good or bad either way I love cats. So I decided in March this year I would take on one cat. I wouldn't make the mistake I had made before. I vowed I wouldn't overwhelm myself. Just one cat. Well loved and well cared for. So I went to the pet shop. They had the most adorable kittens. I looked at them and thought two wouldn't hurt. After all two could play together. So I brought home Symphony and Amadeus.

I continued with my college work and worked hard for two months. Things seemed to be working out. In May I went out to buy one more kitten to join us. I thought, it would be nice to have one more. Nefertiti a small little black kitten was in the market. I paid for her, scooped her up and brought her home.

Things continued to feel good. I kept up with the vaccination apointments and my course work. In the end I came out with a Distinction certificate. So not a pass not a merit it's in the middle. I was pleased with it though.

June came and I had a lot of spare time on my hands. I was sort of unsure of my future. Hoping to hear back from colleges, trying to work out what it was I actually wanted to do with the rest of my life. I had had one lousy interview (they judged me on my not so great attendence at college). I decided I wanted just one more kitten. One more would balance it out a bit. So off to another pet shop I went. And home came Galileo. I lied about this bit again to every one. I had said to every one that Galileo had come from a friends house who needed to find a home for a kitten. Looking back I don't get why I made that up. I guess saying I've bought a kitten from a pet shop had happened a little too often and I was scared of sounding odd. How ironice. Anyway Galileo came home.

Now I had four cats. Galileo got conjuctivitis. We got through that. My support worker at the time came to see me. I remember I was wearing pijamas and I had been in bed all weekend. She said I looked tired. I told her I was scared about the future. She asked why I had so many cats. I explained they were my family. She told me it wasn't healthy and I felt deep down maybe she was right. I was scared of feeding them E numbers and additives. So I spent a lot on good quality food for them. It left me with not so much to feed myself. I hadn't eaten all weekend. I insisted it was my budgeting that was at fault. There where other things too like the litter trays and making sure they wern't stinking the flat out.

When she went I began to try and re-evalute my life. I had an interview to study on a course that would make it possible for me to get my GCSEs the grades I should have got when I left school. That interview was only a week away. I began to think. I need to make it so my life is as easy as possible. Come September I need to work as hard as I can for these grades. I need to do well in life. I decided the number of cats I had (with some help from my support worker) was too many. So I decided to rehome one. I couldn't decide so what helped me choose was the order in witch I had bought them. Galileo had been with me the least amount of time. So I placed an add in the paper and he was gone. Again I made a story up and thrived off sympathy from others. I repeated the story to friends and family. I couldn't bare to tell people the truth. I couldn't bare to say I couldn't cope. I didn't want to sound bad. I didn't want to sound like I couldn't cope. By lying to my friends and family, I was also lying to myself.

So Galileo was gone. I was finding all this upset to painful to bare. I asked my mum and dad if they would find a new home for two of my cats. I explained I might find it easier just having one cat when I start college.I don't think they really understood why i felt this way. I had made the exterior of I am fine I can cope. I said it would be upsetting rehoming them. So they agreed to take them for me. So Symphony and Nefertiti got put in a cat carrier together and taken off to my parents. Amadeus was the first chosen so I decided I would keep him.

Two weeks later, parents hadn't rehomed them they had one potential home pending for one of them. I was beside myself with worry for these cats. I said sorry to my parents and explained I had made a mistake. Symphony and Nefertiti came home.

I heard I had got into college. My friends and family where encouraging me to maybe just keep one. My support worker was thinking it was a good idea too for me just to have one. I guess that makes a hell of a lot more sense now you've read about all the others. So I put an advert in the paper. A very nice lady came round. She chose Amadeus and Symphony. I felt like I trusted her and felt sure Amadeus and Symphony would be going to a good home.

So I was left with Nefertiti. One month later I started college. College is going great. I think I'm going to do well this year.

Last week I went out. I thought maybe it would be nice to just add one more to us. I went to the market the same place Nefertiti came from. They had two kittens. Adorable tabbys. I could not choose between them so Rumpleteazer and Mungo-Jerry came home with me.

Now I am sitting here crying. I am glad I have wrote all that down. If you've read it all you probably think I'm a nasty piece of work. The crazy thing is though I loved all those cats so much. I think I need to show this to my support worker. It's crazy to think all this has happened since just June last year.

I'm not looking for any sympathy or any one to be a shrink or anything. I just wanted to get this all out to be honest with myself and those on here. I am so sorry to you all and more importantly all those poor animals.

I don't really know what else to say now. Reading this back has honestly shocked me...
 

nes

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I think allot more people then you think are going to be both understanding and supportive. Can I suggest that you volunteer with a local shelter FOSTERING cats? That way you can feel like you have a big kitty family with out the financial burden.
 

rosiemac

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I thought there was more to this from your other threads?!
Originally Posted by RussianKitten

I quietly went out placed them on the doorstep of a family with the words "I am sorry please phone rescue" written taped on each one.
You really need to stop adding kittens then giving them up, because it's not fair on them.
 
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russiankitten

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I don't think I left anything out..

Reading back though one thing is clear to me. This has to stop. It's not fair on the animals or me.

I am going to enjoy the animals I have now. If I am finding some thing hard I will talk to people and not make things up to show I can cope when really I can't. This really does have to stop. It's just too tragic
 

calico2222

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Honey, I don't think anyone is going to think badly of you. To me, it takes a lot of caring and unselfishness to rehome the animals (or find someone you trust to do it) instead of either neglecting them or just kicking them out the door. Animals CAN get overwhelming sometimes and it just sounds like you have enough going on in your life right now and you don't need to added stress of too many at once. You obviously loved each and every one of them if you were willing to go with out food (not healthy!) so they could have the best. That says a lot about you. You did what you thought was best for the kitties at this time of you life, and what was best for you. Nothing wrong with looking out for yourself! Besides, with you being stressed all the time, not getting enough to eat, etc you didn't have the ENERGY to take care of them.

Just, please, limit yourself to the ones you have now until your life settles down and isn't all up in the air like it is right now. And until you can afford to eat as well as your cats! I agree about volunteering but I don't know about fostering. I would look into volunteering at the shelter taking care of the kitties on site.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
 

sarahp

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I'm glad you recognise this has to stop, but I think you knew this all along. Has something actually changed this time? I don't want to sound callous, but you need to get help for this specific problem. You obviously have some problems that you need to work through, is this what your support worker is for? Does she know the whole story?

If you get tempted to rehome your kitties, or get any more, please be honest with your support worker. If you can't do that, please at least post here about it. We won't judge, but we will help remind you of the responsibilities to the cats you have.

Good luck.
 

stormyskiez

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calico2222 has words of wisdom.

Some how, some way, Something is missing from my life. I think you have the same feeling.

I adopt another pet. Seven pets and two fish tanks later I am overwhelmed and still have something missing. The emptiness never went away completely. I now feel guilty that I don't have the time to pamper each pet like I want to.

Focus on what you have in your life and Pamper yourself and the kitties you have.
 

strange_wings

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I hope you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with anything? - if that's what the support worker is for?
If not, you need to be properly evaluated. While you know what you're doing is bad, you really need help and some one that you're going to be completely honest with so they can help you.

I'm concerned that if you don't get some help that the impulsiveness and other issues could eventually cause you some serious harm.
 

snake_lady

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Admitting is the first step.

Thank you for having the courage to share.

While I don't agree with what you have done in the past, I do believe everyone deserves a chance or 2 or 3, and I think posting this showed remarkable courage and determination to change. I am not here to judge you by your past..... Honestly, if you were to continue on this route, then yes, I would find it quite difficult to understand and have empathy.

I do not think less of you for admitting your problems. I do hope that you can solve them and that in the meantime, you don't adopt any more animals that you cannot handle and that you can get some help for the impulsiveness you find hard to resist.

Thank you for sharing. If you would like to talk, I am available privately and willing to listen.

I wish you only the best, and that you can get this under control.
 

carolina

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Hi...
What is this Support worker for? Are you being psychologically treated?
Ok... I don't want to be mean, or callous, or anything, really, so please don't take me this way, ok? But really, I see this as a vicious cycle, and I see this time around no different from the others... So unfortunately I don't see a bright future for these kitties you just got... This is yet another sad face of pet shops...
Someway, somehow, this has got to stop... For your sake, and for these kitties sakes...
I Knew there was more to it than just the earlier stories of you giving up the kitties because your friends and family told you so....
You live in the UK, and it is my understanding that you have access to free psychiatric and psychological doctors ... I think you should seek their help...
This post that you wrote... You can also print it up, and give it to your case worker and family members - they can only help you if you are honest with them....
Please PLEASE do NOT take any other cats in.
 

ldg

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Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

Admitting is the first step.

Thank you for having the courage to share.

While I don't agree with what you have done in the past, I do believe everyone deserves a chance or 2 or 3, and I think posting this showed remarkable courage and determination to change. I am not here to judge you by your past..... Honestly, if you were to continue on this route, then yes, I would find it quite difficult to understand and have empathy.

I do not think less of you for admitting your problems. I do hope that you can solve them and that in the meantime, you don't adopt any more animals that you cannot handle and that you can get some help for the impulsiveness you find hard to resist.

Thank you for sharing. If you would like to talk, I am available privately and willing to listen.

I wish you only the best, and that you can get this under control.
I really couldn't have put it any better. However, I have to agree with the other posters - while this is a GREAT first step (
), I think - as you yourself pointed out - it is SO important to follow through. Printing out your post or this thread to show your support worker is a good idea - and a very important next step in getting help. The kitties shouldn't have to suffer - you shouldn't have to suffer.

for the strength to see this through, that you will get the treatment you need, and that you will be able to end the cycle of hurt.
 

ldg

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P.S. I would consider talking to your support worker about your volunteering at a cat rescue. It seems to me if you were more in touch with the plight of cats in need, the consequences of your actions on the cats you've given up may sink in a bit better. It is difficult and often heart breaking work though - so it needs to be considered in the context of your therapy.
 

meminikitty

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Hello RussianKitten. Even though what you did was wrong, I really admire you for your courage--please don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone has something in their life that they regret, God knows I have plenty! What's most important is that you've realized your mistake. Sometimes I feel the same way, I just want more cats
! Like someone mentioned above, maybe foster? That would probably really help you, I know I want to foster one day.
Once you let your family members know the truth, you will feel SO much better, as you probably feel a bit better now. At least you made sure every one of these cats got a home. You didn't just kick them out. You made sure they had somewhere to go. You're just overwhelmed, we all feel that way.

Plenty of hugs!

You'll be fine! Thanks for telling the truth, you are very brave and strong!
 

mews2much

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I feel the same way as Carolinia.
You must not lie again.
I thought something was off with your stories.
You need to print the post up and show them to your support worker.
I do not think you should have any cats right now until your problem is sorted out.
I am not trying to be mean.
What if you had bought a sphynx and you did the same thing to it that you did to your other cats.
YOU MUST NEVER DO THIS AGAIN?
 

ldg

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Originally Posted by meminikitty

...At least you made sure every one of these cats got a home. You didn't just kick them out. You made sure they had somewhere to go...
Several people have said this, and I'm not clear that this is true. It may be nit-picking given the circumstances. But RussianKitten said she put the first three in crates and put them on someone's doorstep with a note to please call a rescue. A week later, Caspian showed up on her doorstep. Obviously the kitties did not reach a rescue.
 

sarahp

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Guys, she knows what she did was wrong, and she seems to have some problems which hopefully she'll get help with. We're all cat lovers and shocked at the situation, but let's try not to make this even harder for her.
 

ldg

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Originally Posted by meminikitty

Hello RussianKitten. Even though what you did was wrong, I really admire you for your courage--please don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone has something in their life that they regret, God knows I have plenty! What's most important is that you've realized your mistake. Sometimes I feel the same way, I just want more cats
! Like someone mentioned above, maybe foster? That would probably really help you, I know I want to foster one day.
Once you let your family members know the truth, you will feel SO much better, as you probably feel a bit better now. At least you made sure every one of these cats got a home. You didn't just kick them out. You made sure they had somewhere to go. You're just overwhelmed, we all feel that way.

Plenty of hugs!

You'll be fine! Thanks for telling the truth, you are very brave and strong!
Memini Kitty - these are very kind words, and I'm sure RussianKitten will appreciate them, as she should.
But I do think it is very important to view this for what it is. This is something bigger than "a mistake" or something to be regretted.
I regret not taking off my grandmother's ring before going swimming and losing it. No - this is the symptom of an underlying problem that needs treatment.


RussianKitten, it seems you realize that - I certainly hope so. This is more than being overwhelmed. If that were the problem - it wouldn't have happened more than once.
The problem is the compulsive nature of the problem - to the detriment of yourself and other living beings.

This is the first and most important step in what will likely be a long journey. We'll be here for support along the way - as I hope will your friends and family.
Obviously we care about your welfare as well as the welfare of the kitties!

But please - make a commitment to the cats you have now, to care for them and their needs - and make a commitment to yourself, to get help and the treatment you need so you don't endanger the health or happiness of other kitties.
 

meminikitty

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Originally Posted by LDG

Memini Kitty - these are very kind words, and I'm sure RussianKitten will appreciate them, as she should.
But I do think it is very important to view this for what it is. This is something bigger than "a mistake" or something to be regretted.
I regret not taking off my grandmother's ring before going swimming and losing it. No - this is the symptom of an underlying problem that needs treatment.


RussianKitten, it seems you realize that - I certainly hope so. This is more than being overwhelmed. If that were the problem - it wouldn't have happened more than once.
The problem is the compulsive nature of the problem - to the detriment of yourself and other living beings.

This is the first and most important step in what will likely be a long journey. We'll be here for support along the way - as I hope will your friends and family.
Obviously we care about your welfare as well as the welfare of the kitties!

But please - make a commitment to the cats you have now, to care for them and their needs - and make a commitment to yourself, to get help and the treatment you need so you don't endanger the health or happiness of other kitties.
Yes, you do have a point. I just didn't want RussianKitten to feel any worse than she does now. Hopefully it never happens again! Please don't get anymore cats, try to love only on the ones you have now.
 

carolina

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I think a good way for the OP to avoid risky financial situations (at least financial) in the future for these kitties, putting her into distress, and into a situation where she would need to give away her kitties, is to insure these kitties now, that they are young.
As far as I know, cat insurance is something very common in the UK... RussianKitten - can you afford to insure the 3 of them?
 
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