Need to be cheered up...

rachelh1018

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For those of you that don't know, we are dealing with a terminally sick cat and I've been really sad and down in the dumps. Do any of you know of any funny stories or jokes that can make me laugh? Sorry this sounds odd... but I'm desperate here... i need to laugh.
 

nes

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Two apples are baking in an oven, one turns to the other and says "My, it is getting hot in here!" and the other apple says "OH MY! A TALKING APPLE!!!"
 
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rachelh1018

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Originally Posted by Nes

Two apples are baking in an oven, one turns to the other and says "My, it is getting hot in here!" and the other apple says "OH MY! A TALKING APPLE!!!"
Lol... thanks!
 

jamasmom

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He s aid, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________________
 

otto

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Hi Rachel. Well I cut a slice off my finger today while slicing a potato for frying. I bled all over a basket of clean laundry. Pretty dumb, eh?

The other day as I was taking the cats out into the yard I tripped over nothing and fell on top of them. Scared the daylights out of them, good thing the yard is fenced and they are harnessed!

Two weeks ago I broke a toe on my left foot when I tripped over the carpet. I was supposed to drive up to a barbecue at my sister's that day. I went to the urgent care place for the toe and they gave me a few pain pills.

I took a couple when I got home and about a half hour later realized I was in no condition to drive. I called my sister to tell her I wasn't coming. I said "Hi, I can't come today I broke my toe instead", and then laughed hysterically for 10 minutes.

Last week I bent over to pick up a cat dish, but forgot to close a cupboard door and when I stood up....you guessed it, I smashed the top of my head against the door.

Yesterday the handle of the bag I was carrying caught on the banister as I rushed down the stairs. I was jerked off my feet, and kind of hung there, stunned for a few seconds before I realized I wasn't at the bottom of the stairs in a heap after all. I was thankful for small favors.

Last month I was on my way to a meeting. There was oncoming traffic to my right as I pulled out of my driveway but the car was going slow and was far enough away. Unfortunately right after I pulled onto the road the baby bunny I've been watching growing up in my yard ran in front of me. I instinctively slammed the brake, forgetting about the on coming car. He bumped me, of course. Poor kid was a wreck. Bump from behind is always the bumper's fault. But who expects a car to pull out and stop short? He was so scared his parents would kill him.

I sure give my Guardian Angel a work out!

Hugs and head bumps from me and mine

xo
 
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rachelh1018

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Thanks for the laughs. Otto, lol... you sound as clumsy as me. I'm always falling down the stairs and last night i also cut my finger dicing tomatoes for stir fry...
 

nes

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I have another really bad one for you:

Two cows are standing in the field chewing their cud. One turns to the other and says "Do you ever worry about Mad-cow disease?" and the other cow says "Why? I'm a duck".
 

otto

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Originally Posted by rachelh1018

Thanks for the laughs. Otto, lol... you sound as clumsy as me. I'm always falling down the stairs and last night i also cut my finger dicing tomatoes for stir fry...
Oooh we can compare bandages, haha! I was bleeding like crazy, blood drops everywhere! Hope your finger is okay.

I'm getting a cramp in my hand from trying to keep it elevated while I type. I've got it wrapped in gauze.

A funny "stupid human trick" that always makes me laugh, even though it didn't happen to me. I have a friend who is an author, and she was on a deadline and working herself to death.

She took a break for a few minutes and used her exercise ball to stretch and relax. She fell asleep on the ball, rolled off the ball and cut her head on the coffee table. It's okay to laugh because she wasn't seriously hurt.
I still giggle, thinking about it.
 

nes

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A grasshopper walks into a bar, saddles up and says "give me a beer". The bartender looks him up and down and says "you know, we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper gives him a puzzled look "You have a drink named Frank?"

(I know, it's an oldie!)
 

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I can never remember the punchline of jokes but if you want to talk about funny injuries...
When I was a teenager I bent forward really fast so I could blowdry my hair upside down and smacked my forhead on the countertop and knocked myself out...Hey, maybe that's why I forget stuff!?
 
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rachelh1018

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Originally Posted by dandi

I can never remember the punchline of jokes but if you want to talk about funny injuries...
When I was a teenager I bent forward really fast so I could blowdry my hair upside down and smacked my forhead on the countertop and knocked myself out...Hey, maybe that's why I forget stuff!?
Oh my... that sounds very painful!
 
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rachelh1018

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Originally Posted by otto

Oooh we can compare bandages, haha! I was bleeding like crazy, blood drops everywhere! Hope your finger is okay.

I'm getting a cramp in my hand from trying to keep it elevated while I type. I've got it wrapped in gauze.

A funny "stupid human trick" that always makes me laugh, even though it didn't happen to me. I have a friend who is an author, and she was on a deadline and working herself to death.

She took a break for a few minutes and used her exercise ball to stretch and relax. She fell asleep on the ball, rolled off the ball and cut her head on the coffee table. It's okay to laugh because she wasn't seriously hurt.
I still giggle, thinking about it.
Haha... yeah my finger is alright.. a little sore and annoying because i keep knocking things against it... but it's ok. Your poor friend.. lol!
 
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rachelh1018

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Originally Posted by rachelh1018

Haha... yeah my finger is alright.. a little sore and annoying because i keep knocking things against it... but it's ok. Your poor friend.. lol!
Ohh I forgot to add... I have carpet burn and a bruise on my wrist from falling down the stairs the other night...
 

otto

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well...if we're giving youtube links (I thought that wasn't allowed?)

this is my favorite. I can watch it a million times and still laugh every time. It's the funniest thing I ever saw. I love the way the two stop and stare at the third......

 
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rachelh1018

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Originally Posted by otto

well...if we're giving youtube links (I thought that wasn't allowed?)

this is my favorite. I can watch it a million times and still laugh every time. It's the funniest thing I ever saw. I love the way the two stop and stare at the third......

Poor little guy!
 

clixpix

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Originally Posted by otto

well...if we're giving youtube links (I thought that wasn't allowed?)
You can, but you have to make sure that the content is appropriate, including the comments.
 
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