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Vent about my social life...a little depressing

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Soo this thursday is my 21st birthday, and one of my good friends asked me to go to a party, she has asked me to go with her many many times but I always make excuses..I'm not a social person and I am afraid that I will find myself being bored there or irritated that I can't just be alone.. I'm really introverted. Soo I can't find an excuse now, she wanted to take me out somewhere for my birthday and this month has been hell for me, I broke up with my boyfriend and ever since then I've been extremely sad all the time, I've been really quite pathetic. Soo I'm trying to push myself to go. Well I really have no way out, if I don't go I will mess up my friendship with her because she will think I don't like hanging out with her or that I'm weird..I don't know I always need to make stupid excuses with my friends about why I dont' want to go with them to social events. I really just don't like social events. And they don't understand, they look at me with such confusion and ask "but what else are you going to do??"..so I just say, I have homework or something when I really don't, I just don't like being anywhere with a large group. I feel like I don't get to communicate with people there but rather with the facades they are trying to put on. Maybe this won't be the same..I really hope so. But am I so wrong to be feeling like this? I am always living in some sort of daydream, I never live in reality- I read my books most of the time and try to avoid reality as much as possible....What does that sound like? Depression? Is it just my personality or is there something else going on I am totally not sure..
post #2 of 16
It could be depression, your personality, or maybe both. I used to be really shy and felt uncomfortable in social situations... the only thing that will help you overcome that feeling is getting out there. I know it's hard, but one day it will feel more natural. It's important to have friends and be sociable. Whatever you decide... I hope you have a wonderful birthday. You only turn 21 once.
post #3 of 16
I'm not shy or uncomfortable in social situations, I'm just not all that sociable unless I want to me. Sometimes my coworkers mistake it for grumpiness, which it isn't. I don't always feel a need to show much emotion. I also don't like crowds. I love a good party but most of the time I prefer to do my own thing.
post #4 of 16
I'm like you, I much rather stay home, or have a friend or two come over and hang out. Over the years I have found friends that feel the same way, and and have become just friendly with my more social friends. So don't feel like your alone.

I do find it good for the soul to force myself to go out and do social things once in a while though, and I usually have a good time, but its really a personal decision.
post #5 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by ut0pia View Post
But am I so wrong to be feeling like this? I am always living in some sort of daydream, I never live in reality- I read my books most of the time and try to avoid reality as much as possible....
Happy birthday in advance. I would never say someone's wrong to have introvert tendencies. But as for the quote above about avoiding reality as much as possible, it might be a good idea to talk to a professional to help pinpoint what precise things/issues are the ones you find worth avoiding and pinpoint gray areas that you can build on.

Personally, I get very very irritated when I'm faced with friends' addictions, for example, alcoholism. It's bad enough when a friend is an alcoholic but it's 10,000 times worse when they are in denial about it. And they wonder "Why aren't we closer?" (Yes, those exact words were spoken to me. I wanted to roll my eyes. Sorry, I'm getting off track. Best to you. Maybe investigate the value of balance if you talk to a professional? ... I happen to know a lot of people who I consider TOO social and for some reason I consider that bad because they use going out like an addiction, possibly to escape themselves. speaking only for myself, I would label that as "imbalance" and I think imbalance is unhealthy (generally speaking))
post #6 of 16
Happy 21st!

I have no advice... I do the same, I am 20 and I find myself making those same excuses. Not sure why though.

I hope you have fun if you do go!
post #7 of 16
It does sound like some depression going on.

I find myself doing and feeling very similar things to what you describe.

It just seems like it's way too much effort to go out and do something, so I end up staying home....alone.

On the rare occasion that I do force myself to make the effort, I find that I have great fun and am happy that I went out.

A friend of mine has been working on getting me out of the house more. So twice a month we go to dinner. I dread the day as it approaches and secretly hope she will cancel, but then while I'm out and then back home, I realize it was the right thing to do.

I'm struggling with a party on October 3rd. One of the girls at work has retired. I have requested the evening off and asked to be paid out of my overtime bank. And it has been granted. So I do have the day free.

What I'm anxious about is being in a co-worker's house, with people I work with but have never socialized outside of work with, and finding myself sitting in a corner alone while people who have known each other for years and years group together, etc. Now that's what I have in my head that will happen. But the reality is and probably will be much different because I do know everyone that is going.

The other reason I'm tossing around not going is using my banked overtime. I banked it so that I could be paid for it over and above my regular 8 shifts to give myself larger pay cheques without having to do a whole bunch of overtime during that pay period. Plus I have one stretch of my work rotation that is just awful!! Three evenings, one day off, followed by 5 day shifts. I had wanted to keep some banked overtime to use during that stretch to give myself 2 days off instead of just one. I'm using one of my banked overtime days this Saturday for that reason. If I use another on October 3rd, that will be 2 banked overtime days off used in the same pay period, which will mean not only a smaller pay cheque when I wanted to have a full time cheque, but also the use of 2 of my banked overtime days of which I only have 4 total.

So if I don't go to the party it won't be because I don't want to be social, it will be purely financially motivated. I've resigned myself to the fact that I know I need to get out more often and have been making the effort to do that. In fact my friend and I are going out for dinner either this weekend or next week after work.

So do yourself a huge favour! Make that effort! It really is worth it. We all need time out to do fun things. Even if it's just dinner, or a movie, or a trip to a museum to walk around. Just do it!! You'll be glad that you did!
post #8 of 16
Like others have said, it could be depression and/or your personality. When I was 20 I was about the same as you, been on antidepressants and was slowly coming out of it finally. However, depression aside, I was not ever really very sociable and kind of uncomfortable about going out and the possibility of feeling like I'm stuck there for hours and will be bored. Eventually I made myself do things, I pushed myself to get out, and now I'm 28 and like to be out with friends, although now that i think about it, the past year or so it's taking more effort to push myself again... but I do push myself because I don't want to get stuck in that rut again.

Try to make the effort, it might be really awkward or uncomfortable at first, but think of it like going in a freezing cold pool. If you just jump in rather than slowly wade in and feel how cold(bad) it is, you will get over it quicker and hopefully get used to it.

Happy 21st Birthday tomorrow too!!
post #9 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone for the responses
I really don't want to go to this party. I am hoping that my other friend will save me by saying we are all going to go out alone- just with my three good friends. The only good news is, I'm finally going to volunteer at the local humane society!!! I'm so excited, my orientation is this saturday.
And yea I try to avoid reality ...I have an addictive personality so I have seen a therapist before, and it was always this issue of needing to avoid reality but I never solved it because I left therapy and did well on my own for a while. I migth have to go back..
post #10 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by ut0pia View Post
if I don't go I will mess up my friendship with her ..
Yes it could because theres a couple of our friends that we no longer ask out for dinner because they kept saying they couldn't make it.

Was she there for you during your breakup with your boyfriend as well?

Good friends would listen to you if you were to say you just want a quiet night out with them as well
post #11 of 16
Can you drive yourself? Assuming you won't be drinking like a fish at the party, perhaps you can drive yourself, hang out for an hour, and head home. I'm not a social person either, but I'm more than happy to hang out for a short while. Small doses helps for me. I tend to prefer hanging out with one or two people at a time, over big groups, but it helps when I drive, so I can choose when to go home.
post #12 of 16
I say go with your friend. It's your birthday and all but I don't think a few hours outside of your house would be harmful. Maybe you could drive yourself that way if it gets too claustrophobic you can leave before she does.
post #13 of 16
Thread Starter 
you guys are right, it's probably best that I drive. She wanted to drive because she didn't worry about me not being able to drink..

Rosiemac- this is exactly how I lose many friends, they keep trying and trying to ask me to go somewhere and I keep making excuses but eventually they just give up...She has been there for my break up and has been asking me about how I'm doing a lot- she broke up with her boyfriend as well so we talk about how hard it is to find guys, etc all the time and about how we need to find a distraction ....she actually asked me if I wanted to have a quiet night somewhere classy or go to a party and I said let's go to the party lol..I don't know when I think about it I don't feel all that comfortable going out with her either, I feel like I will be pressured to keep the conversation and won't know what to talk about. We usually talk at random times it's never when we are out just the two of us. If our other friends want to join us then I feel like it'd be great...there is this one guy in my circle of friends who talks a little too much and it makes me feel kind of secure because he puts the pressure off of me to always have something to say.
post #14 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by ut0pia View Post
Rosiemac- this is exactly how I lose many friends, they keep trying and trying to ask me to go somewhere and I keep making excuses but eventually they just give up...She has been there for my break up and has been asking me about how I'm doing a lot.
You have a good friend there, and one you really don't want to lose because boyfriends come and go, but friends are there forever

Explain to her that your confidence is down since the breakup, that you want to go out with her and some of your other friends but can it happen slowly, starting with a quiet night, dinner and drinks and some good old girly chats
post #15 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Essayons89 View Post
I'm not shy or uncomfortable in social situations, I'm just not all that sociable unless I want to me. Sometimes my coworkers mistake it for grumpiness, which it isn't. I don't always feel a need to show much emotion. I also don't like crowds. I love a good party but most of the time I prefer to do my own thing.
Same here...some people just would rather be alone or spend time with quality people..not a quantity of people.
post #16 of 16
I'm just like that.

I'm 21 and pretty antisocial. I've got two really good friends and that's it. I'd much rather stay at home and read or just be lazy than go out 9 times out of 10. I'll make any excuse I can to stay in. However, over the last few months (since I've turned 21 I suppose) I've been making a real effort to be more social. And the fact that I have Josh helps too. He's got tons of friends that are very welcoming whenever I DO show up to a party/night out/whatever.

It's good to get out every now and then. You're never going to be a social butterfly, and that's okay. But if you're anything like me (especially with your recent breakup) sitting at home all the time leads to some pretty depressing thoughts. So just buck up and go sometimes, even if you really don't want to. You'll be surprised that you really can have a good time.

As far as going out on your 21st birthday, you HAVE to! My 21st birthday was great. Both of my two friends live out of town so they weren't there but Josh and a lot of his friends went out with me. Even if there aren't a lot of people you're comfortable with there, just having that one person you're close to that's the link to everybody else really helps.

Hope that helps just a little!!
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