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Relationship problem (kind of long)

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
I'm very sad today. Dan and I are going through a rough spot in our relationship. We've been together for 13 years, and they haven't all been easy for sure. We've had our share of difficult times. I'm sure we'll work this out, too, but it is hard to deal with right now.

He is so stubborn, he won't even talk to me. He left early this morning, came back for a few minutes and hardly said anything. Our love life has been suffering lately, and he has decided that we must be doomed because our chemistry doesn't match. He says he doesn't blame me, but also says I'm taking away a part of him because of this. How is that not blame?

Nothing I say will change his mind at this point. I wrote him a long letter, and hopefully that will help, he hasn't read it yet. I know from experience that it may be miserable few days, with him being distant and not talking to me. He says he isn't but I can see it in his eyes. He hardly looks at me, and when he does, I feel like I'm looking at a stranger.

We love each other a great deal, I know that. It still hurts that he isn't willing to talk this out yet. His best friend knew he would act like this. Dan was talking with him the other day, and Doug (best friend) said to me, "You know he'll do whatever he thinks is right. He isn't going to listen to me." And he isn't.

Sorry this is so long. I really don't feel like talking to any of my non-on-line friends right now, I just want to lay down and feel sorry for myself.
post #2 of 22
(((((Hugs)))))) to you, Brenda, and headbumps from the kitties. Let us know when you're ready to talk, we're here for you!

Heck...here's more hugs ((((((Brenda))))))
post #3 of 22
I'm sorry that you are going through rough times. Sending good vibes your way and hoping that he will want to talk it out. If he was with someone who was exactly like him, how boring would that be? You want someone who is different from you - so you can compliment each other.
post #4 of 22
Dear Bren,

I am so sorry to read your post, and hope that this is just a rough spot and nothing more. It's so tough to give advice when you don't know the situation all that well. All I can say is that I have been there, and although my situation did not turn out the way I had hoped it would, eventually you are able to move on. Keep your chin up, and look for that opportunity to be able to open communication with Dan.
post #5 of 22
What kind of Chemistry is he talking about? Physical attraction is supposed to fade and become a small flame not an infurnno. The thrill of seeing you from across the room? That too will fade to the knoledge that they are there for you no matter what. Playful interaction? Ya gotta be in the mood. Interests? Hey everyone is an individual and interests change. Try to sit him down to write what he feels,( good luck with this) or to try to tell you what he wants that would make things OK in his eyes and have him be a specific as possible. Is there someone that he finds attractive, and the what if's are driving him crazy? Lots of guys go through this.. it is normal. Is he feeling unattractive/old. Some guys are sensitive to this. Try recalling the fun times you have had together and offer to revisit those places. Take a vacation together. Write him a note telling him all the things that you appreciate about him and why he is special to you. I'll shut up now as I need to hug my husband!
post #6 of 22

Brenda, I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. I hope that Dan comes around soon. We all know how important communication is in any relationship.

Be strong, and we are here for you if you need to talk.
post #7 of 22
Hi Brenda,

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time with your relationship. It is such a hard thing to go through. Especially when you still have feelings. Normally I don't say this but I really do understand how you're feeling. Actually I've been going through the same thing for awhile. I haven't even told my family or anyone at work about it yet because we were trying to work on things. But things have gotten to the point of no return, I am afraid. And it is difficult because we both still do love each other. He doesn't want to communicate and thinks if we just forgive and forget everything will go away. I know better. Might get better for a short time but in 3 months we'd end up in the same spot. We have different goals in life too. It's much more complicated that this but I'd have to write a post that would take you a week to read! Basically a novel.

I've been very sad and depressed the last couple of weeks since we decided to call it quits altogether. I can barely function. And this site is so light, airy and friendly. It is all that has gotten me through lately, even though no one knew what I was going through. Basically, I've had to make a mental list of the pros and cons of keeping my marriage together. What do I like about hubby & the marriage and what I don't like. I also had to look at what makes me happy in life (Kitty, my garden, my home, scrapbooking and grandkids) and figure out if all those things were compatible with what makes my husband happy in life. Also had to think about the things we clash on and decide if there could be a compromise or if I could live with them. We also have the complication of the fact my husband wants to go back to his home country in the next 2-3 years (Iraq). And the war complicated our relationship too.

I had to spend a lot of time alone and outside the relationship to come to any peace and/or conclusions with these things. And let me admit... IT AIN'T EASY!! It doesn't make my heart hurt any less but now that I have come to some conclusions and made a decission based on reality and facts instead of my heart, I feel better about it and know what the right thing is. For us, it seems our hearts are right but the timing is all off. Wrong time, wrong place. Another thing that really helped me was finding someone I could trust to talk to. Someone who would be objective and not just agree with me or tell me what I wanted to hear. I'm not saying your situation is exactly the same. But we all go through the same emotions and struggle with the same basics. And if I can be helpful to you at all, you are welcome to email me directly.

Tammie & Peaches
post #8 of 22

I am very sorry you're going through this. Every relationship has their trials, and none of them are fun. Stay strong, and I have to agree with Deb.. look for a good time to open communication with Dan. We're here for you always, to listen, hug, listen, send good vibes, listen, and when wanted/needed advise (although I'm not good at the latter).

Big hugs, good vibes, and kitty kisses going your way hon.
post #9 of 22

There are a lot of sympathetic ears here right now. As you know a relationship takes work all the time, when one person stops working for whatever reason, the stress and strain can be unbearable.

If you need to talk, you know how to reach any of us, or just talk here among the group-

post #10 of 22
Tammie, all this goes for you, too. We're pretty good listeners around here. That's a tough decision to make any time. ((((HUGS))))
post #11 of 22
Originally posted by valanhb
Tammie, all this goes for you, too. We're pretty good listeners around here. That's a tough decision to make any time. ((((HUGS))))
Thanks bunches! Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have brought it up but I felt I had to if it could possibly help Brenda at all to know she's not alone and I'm here if she needs me.
post #12 of 22
Thread Starter 
Tammie, that is so hard, and I am so sorry you are dealing with it right now.

I guess Dan feels less like a man because I'm not always jumping on him. Whenever he makes the suggestion, I certainly don't say no! He just wants to play around every day and I don't. Our libidos don't match. I'm willing to make some changes, but he isn't willing to hear about it.

I should add a few things. He was pretty plastered last night when this whole thing began, so he might be feeling ashamed about some of what he said to me. He also tends to keep things that upset him to himself until they are huge! Then a big blowout.

In general, we are pretty similar. We want the same things and believe the same things. I think I know what changes he wants, and I can try to accomodate them, because I want those things too. A little extra lovin' never hurt anyone. He just sees it as an impossible obstacle, where I see some possibilities.

I know some of my issues have to do with past problems, and I am trying to overcome that. I just feel so isolated from him, and alone. He just called and left a message saying if his work calls to tell them he isn't availabe until tomorrow. He won't be home until then. I know he's with one of his guy friends, but it doesn't help that he isn't willing to talk to me. That hurts, but it's also making me angry, and that is not where I need to be. Thanks for all your support. I don't know what I'd do without you to help me through this.
post #13 of 22
So sorry to hear about your relationship. I will be hoping and praying that everything works out for the best. Try to do at least one thing a day that you enjoy, it will really help keep your sprits up during this rough spot.
post #14 of 22
Sorry to hear this Every relationship has bumps though, and hopefully you will be able to overcome it. Keep us posted, and post whatever and whenever. There is always an ear here!
post #15 of 22
Brenda, this sounds like what Bill and I were going through, recently. Hope that you can get this resolved, one way or the other, in a manner that makes you BOTH happy.
post #16 of 22
Bren, I wish I had some wise words to tell you. I know exactly how you feel about being alone and isolated. That is what hurts the very most. I remember when I was contemplating leaving my fiance...one night we went to bed and while I was laying next to him, I thought "I've never been so lonely in my entire life. This man will soon be my husband, but yet he is a complete stranger to me right now.". The very next day, I told him that it was over. I'm not saying that is what you should do, but I am saying that know how you are feeling. It's an awful feeling when our comfort zone isn't so comfortable anymore.

Since he doesn't want to talk about the problems, it is very hard to get things cleared up. Maybe you both are missing that special spark that you both had for each other? Maybe a simple and fun surprise for him would help matters? For example, make reservations at a nice place to eat or even go for a picnic together. Do something that you BOTH enjoy and ENJOY each other.

I don't know if anything I just wrote helps you, but please know that I'm here for you if you need to talk. WE all are here for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

Big HUGS to you and Tammie too! Please know that you both are in my thoughts and am wishing you both the very best!
post #17 of 22
Oh, I forgot to add this part of my 2 cents!

Bren, don't feel sorry for yourself! You're a beautiful and very intellegent woman! EVERYONE goes through this stage in their life and many people go through this more than others. POSITIVE THOUGHTS!

Remember, you can attrach more bees with Honey than with Vinegar!
post #18 of 22
I know you don't want to be in an angry place, bren, but why is it they (men) want to run and hide and won't talk! It's very frustrating. Why can't they all be Dr. Phil?

I could write a few chapters of a novel myself, but I'll restrain. I hope you feel better soon and can come to some resolutions. The uncertainty is the worst part, IMO.
post #19 of 22
I understand what you are going thru, except in my relationship I don't talk and he does. I hate fighting and fighting in front of the cats makes them upset and jittery so I try and not blow up when they are close. Brad hates that. I will try and defuse the situation saying that he is upsetting the cats and that usually stops it right them and there.(because he knows now that I and partially telling him that he is really making me angry and he doesn't want me to yell, let me tell you! LOL!)
Maam, Men can be real jerks and just so you know, it is better that he is off with his friends, then you can have time to yourself to do whatever YOU want to. POOP on him! I know it's hard to fight believe me, but if I get to the point that I am going to blow, or vise versa, I'd rather have one of us walk away before the hurtful things come out. Hon, just watch a tear jerking movie and drink some wine and in the am hopefully you'll feel better.
post #20 of 22
Thread Starter 
I just want to thank you all for your kind words. They really helped me through a rough time. You are all amazing people, and I feel blessed to know you.

While everything is not resolved, Dan and I went out last night and just had a few drinks and talked. We didn't discuss our problems, but it was nice to know after all this time and problems, we can enjoy each others company and talk for hours. He told me one of the reasons he'd had so many issues lately is that he hasn't been playing the guitar much lately. It's one of his favorite things to do, and helps keep him balanced.

And as we were walking to the car, Dan did say he was sorry for being a schmuck lately. He also told me he had horrible nightmare the night of our fight. So we haven't come to any resolutions, but at least he seems ready to talk to me. Too bad it had to take 2 days of hell to do it. The whole passive-aggressive thing has got to go, but I guess we can work on it.

Thanks again, you are all s.
post #21 of 22

This is such good news! It looks like there is definitely room for communication for you and Dan. Now, if only my life would be settled!
post #22 of 22
Bren, seems like you've both taken a step in the right direction. I hope it all does work out, maybe just a little more communication and you'll be all set! Good luck, and keep us posted on whatever happens.
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