Dear Dogs,
When I say to move it means go someplace else not switch positions with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note -- placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time ... there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years – canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I can not
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to
make.
The neighbor's newspaper delivery at 5 am is no time to warn me
about intruders.
When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark, please choose
one: a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you; b) panic and get up, but do it *before* I try to step over you; c) Consistency counts.
And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while sitting on the sofa
and sipping my coffee, is called "reading the newspaper". It is not my
way of initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy to get kisses or play with you just as soon as I've had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching the newspaper with your paw and knocking it into my face does not speed along the process. And nudging my arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes hot liquid to spill on my shirt and pants. Again ... this is not helpful.
We prefer our shoes in pairs, and dry. Picking them up and randomly
distributing them around the house does not provide us additional
mental stimulation by trying to match pairs. Barking at us when you want to go out, but our shoes aren't where we left them, does NOT speed up this process.
That little tab on the back of the boots? It was supposed to be there.
You consistently fail this test though you've had plenty of time to
study-- If there is a dog toy and a shoe on the floor side-by-side which one should you choose to run around the house with?
If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it DOES NOT mean it is
time to get up, go outside, eat, or play. The preferred reaction is
that you also roll over, and go back to sleep.
We're fully aware that empty stainless steel food bowls make a loud
clanging noise when they are dropped on the floor. And we are proud that you figured out that dropping the large bone on the tile or wood floor makes more noise than the carpet. Now please stop doing it.
Used Kleenexes are not delicious wontons of delight.
One final note – cat litter clumps are not doggie breath mints.
When I say to move it means go someplace else not switch positions with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note -- placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time ... there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years – canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I can not
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to
make.
The neighbor's newspaper delivery at 5 am is no time to warn me
about intruders.
When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark, please choose
one: a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you; b) panic and get up, but do it *before* I try to step over you; c) Consistency counts.
And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while sitting on the sofa
and sipping my coffee, is called "reading the newspaper". It is not my
way of initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy to get kisses or play with you just as soon as I've had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching the newspaper with your paw and knocking it into my face does not speed along the process. And nudging my arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes hot liquid to spill on my shirt and pants. Again ... this is not helpful.
We prefer our shoes in pairs, and dry. Picking them up and randomly
distributing them around the house does not provide us additional
mental stimulation by trying to match pairs. Barking at us when you want to go out, but our shoes aren't where we left them, does NOT speed up this process.
That little tab on the back of the boots? It was supposed to be there.
You consistently fail this test though you've had plenty of time to
study-- If there is a dog toy and a shoe on the floor side-by-side which one should you choose to run around the house with?
If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it DOES NOT mean it is
time to get up, go outside, eat, or play. The preferred reaction is
that you also roll over, and go back to sleep.
We're fully aware that empty stainless steel food bowls make a loud
clanging noise when they are dropped on the floor. And we are proud that you figured out that dropping the large bone on the tile or wood floor makes more noise than the carpet. Now please stop doing it.
Used Kleenexes are not delicious wontons of delight.
One final note – cat litter clumps are not doggie breath mints.
