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When is....

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
Enough enough? Im so sick and tired of fighting with my BF. Its becoming an everyday occurance. Im sick of feeling like Im doing something wrong because Im working my butt off to pay our bills and take care of everything. Im sick of working at a job that just plain sucks busting my butt for them and getting nothing in return. The job I can deal with nothings going to be perfect its just annoying. Its the BF thing that has me stumped. I just dont know what to do anymore Ive given up. Everytime I work its him texting me telling me that Im not working...Well Ive given him the work number to call if he doesnt believe me does he call..NO He thinks Im doing something wrong after work and IM NOT I go directly to and from work everyday! Thats it! He has even gone as far as to time me coming home. I have to tell him when Im leaving from work and when I leave for work and heaven forbid I want to stop and get a coffee from Dunkin Donuts before work so I give myself an extra 15 minutes because I dont know how busy it will be. He flips out because I work with other men, well its not like we are even in the same area of the kitchen theres a wall/window seperating the cooks and servers and we dont talk unless we have to but even then thats a NoNo...Im tired of fighting to the point where his solution to everything is well if you dont like it leave just go. Thats not what should be the solution it should be well what can I do to help fix our damaged relationship. I realize my past isnt anything good but thats not the person I am now. Ive changed drastically but he still cant accept me for who I am. He doesnt want to talk to me anymore because I cant just cut from A to Z Ive got to hit all the other letters in between. Im sorry but thats just the way I talk I cant help it. Honestly I just dont know what to do anymore, I dont want to leave but I dont want to keep going like this everytime he says hes going to change or things will get better it lasts for one day and goes right back to his normal behavior and Im SICK AND TIRED OF IT! Im at the point this morning where if one more thing happens Im done Im leaving I just dont care anymore and its not worth staying with him if I have to feel like crap about myself if I have to beat myself up wondering constantly what Ive done wrong when I KNOW I didnt do anything wrong! My friends at work wont even come to my house and hang out with me because they know how he is and they are begging me to leave him and go. My one manager even worries for my safety and told me if I do leave he will help me pack my stuff up! Soooo when is enough enough...And how do I leave or when should I leave? I dont know what to do anymore! Well its off to work I go to pretend happiness and make money to pay his bills!
post #2 of 17
does he not work?? why you paying all of his bills?

its an unhealthy situation your in, he doesnt seem to trust you and your working in a job to support him he should be thanking you rather than fighting with you.

You shouldnt have to pretend to be happy neither. If it had of been me i would of walked away long before now
post #3 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog View Post
Soooo when is enough enough...And how do I leave or when should I leave? I dont know what to do anymore! Well its off to work I go to pretend happiness and make money to pay his bills!
In the beginning of your post, you've already answered that question. If you don't remember: NOW enough is enough!!!!!!

I see absolutely nothing positive in your post at all. I don't see any hope, any good qualities, nada. Now is the time to take action.

Ok, if he says he's going to change, PROVE IT. Not this change for a day BS (those guys never truly change....speaking from too much experience on that one), but a seperation and you see changes in him over weeks or a month. It's hard to put a time frame on it.

As for leaving.... how or when, depends solely on your situation.... Do you have a house, or do you rent? If you rent is both your names on it or just one? If only 1 name...ex. YOURS.... then its time to tell HIM to leave. If his name, then you leave. (very generalized in the above paragraph, as I don't know your situation).

It sounds like ENOUGH is indeed ENOUGH, and it is now time for the next move. One that you won't regret (yes it hurts, but so does what you are going through now) and one that will in the end, make a healthier and happier you.

post #4 of 17
Why in the world is he so protective of you? In my personal experience, something had to have been done in the past to change him into the crazy man that he is now. Whether it was something that you did and are omitting, or something that happened to him in a previous relationship.

Or maybe he's just plain crazy. Either way, if he doesn't let you off your leash soon, I'd kick him to the curb and find a new man that will work and help you pay half/all of the bills. The best kind of man is a hard working man. Not one that sits on the couch all day and expects you to do everything, and then grill you on your day because maybe you walked in the door 10 minutes late because of some traffic accident.
post #5 of 17
Get out NOW!! Do not pass go, do not collect 200.00, just get out. The next step is physical rather than mental and emotional abuse. Start packing when he goes out alone, as I am sure he also does this. Pack up important stuff and get it to a friend, then begin with out of season clothing and work from there, then get out. You should have been gone before things escalated to this point.
post #6 of 17
If it were a trust issue alone that would be one thing, but when he's trying to control everything you're doing, it's obvious he's got self-esteem problems (and trust me, the occur in the most unlikely of men! They all think they are inadequate). That is something that you can't change, he's the only one who can do anything about how he feels and acts.

He's probably uncomfortable with the fact that you're paying for everything (and therefore in control) where his business isn't going the way he wants & letting it out in really crappy ways. That doesn't mean, in any way, that was he is doing to you is justifiable! He's a big boy & needs to learn to suck it up! We all go through rough patches with our careers, deal with it.

IF you WANT to work on it, you guys need some private time to sit down & talk through WHY he's behaving this way. If the long version works for him, you're just going to have to go through all the uncomfortable bits A to Z.

There must be a reason why he's so overly concerned that you're sneaking around on him. No one wants to get hurt, but having cheating-worries hang over your head like that 24/7 is no way to live.

On the other hand, I think a little time apart would probably do you both a world of good. Give him a little incite to what an idiot he's been & what he's lost and you a chance to realize how many better guys there are out there .

Go now before you guys move into the new house, that will just make things way too complicated.

Don't focus on the good times right now, you need to really think about how often he's upset you and you've gotten into these giant fights. Disagreements and disappointments are part of life, but you can't just be blowing up at each other once a week. There is no room for love in that sort of arrangement; and we all deserve love.

I can tell you from personal experience it is possible to work through these sorts of jealously issues, but both parties need to be willing. However, I know that's not the only problem you guys are having. Why don't you just try staying at a friends/motel for a week and see how that goes?
post #7 of 17
From what you describe, this is an abusive relationship. His controlling behavior is called emotional abuse. Physical abuse may not be far behind, but emotional abuse is very crippling all on it's own.

Change is very hard, and getting away from someone like that is very scary, but start your plans now, and get out.

Do you have a friend or family member who can take you and your cats in, while you find a place of your own?

You've got to get away from this sick man.
post #8 of 17
Ladies, why is it we guys can see this guy is a big problem, and the ladies so often can't see it?

OK, let me say right here that one of the first things I learned about girls is that they like the bad boys. I guess it's the "mother" thing, but guys milk it for all its worth, making the girls miserable. It took my sister almost 30 years to learn the lesson, but when she did, she got a great guy for a husband. Yes, he's a bit of a nerd; no, he's not particularly exciting. But he tolerates her independence, is supportive when she tries something new, etc.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I've taken girls I knew aside and said, "Do you realize the problems you are setting yourself up for with this guy you're seeing?"

The bad news is that I know a lot of very nice girls who ruined their lives with this problem.
post #9 of 17
this way because you have taught him to! Don't look at him, look at yourself. I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to wake up. He will not change. Past behavior is the gold standard for future behavior. You are a smart young woman. You do not deserve to be tied to this loser. Get away from him and in a year, you will look back and say, what took me so long? God speed to you.
post #10 of 17
Leave him, you don't need help from any of us. You already know what to do, leave him for your own good. Good luck in anything you decide.
post #11 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrblanche View Post
Ladies, why is it we guys can see this guy is a big problem, and the ladies so often can't see it?

OK, let me say right here that one of the first things I learned about girls is that they like the bad boys. I guess it's the "mother" thing, but guys milk it for all its worth, making the girls miserable. It took my sister almost 30 years to learn the lesson, but when she did, she got a great guy for a husband. Yes, he's a bit of a nerd; no, he's not particularly exciting. But he tolerates her independence, is supportive when she tries something new, etc.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I've taken girls I knew aside and said, "Do you realize the problems you are setting yourself up for with this guy you're seeing?"

The bad news is that I know a lot of very nice girls who ruined their lives with this problem.
Mrblanch is right. Women tend to fall for the bad boys.

Look, I'm not a prude. I lived with my husband for nearly a year before we got married. But here's the thing. In our case, we had already discussed marriage, and knew that was where our relationship was headed. We had discussed mutual responsibilities, and had developed trust in each other.

Too many young people move in together without fully understanding and knowing each other enough to understand that it is not just about great sex. It takes mutual goals and expectations. The lust of the relationship will eventually wane, and then you are left with the reality of each other's personality that you either have to learn to live with or if you can't, move on. It takes much more than the "honeymoon" to make a great marriage.

If your relationship has run its course, it's time to get out and move on. Better now than after you have a couple of kids.

ETA: I agree with the others who have said he is abusive. I don't know if he has hit you, but it sounds like he might. Please protect yourself. Your friends can see the problems. Listen to them.

And for gosh sakes, don't be in a position where you NEED someone else - for financial reasons, for sex, for companionship, to feel "needed" - for any reason. Learn to be independent. Live where you can afford to live ALONE. Because unless you are confident in yourself to fulfill all your NEEDS, and until you can learn to love and respect YOURSELF for your accomplishments, you can't be open to a relationship built on respect and love, without unrealistic expectations.
post #12 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrblanche View Post
Yes, he's a bit of a nerd; no, he's not particularly exciting. But he tolerates her independence, is supportive when she tries something new, etc.
Amen Brother! Boring guys are the BEST .

Not that my husband is boring... just that our favourite activities involves curling up on the couch in front of the tv, or going grocery shopping . We have very little drama in our lives & it's the best way to live. I get my fill from day-time soaps & single girl-friends. Because all women need a little drama, it just doesn't need to be in your relationship!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom;
Too many ... people move in together without fully understanding and knowing each other enough to understand that it is not just about great sex. It takes mutual goals and expectations.
Dusty's Mom completely has the right idea, the only way a relationship is going to work is if you both want the same things out of life.

I'm sure you WANT bf to succeed in his business, but is him following his dreams and running a body shop what you want out of your life? Is running the business end YOUR DREAM job? What do YOU want out of your life?

I have to say hubby owning his own electrical company & me running the business part time while I raise our children IS my idea of a dream job. We BOTH want lots of kids, a big rural property, to travel a little and spend ALLOT of time with family. That's us having the same goals in life.

What about you guys?
post #13 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrblanche View Post
Ladies, why is it we guys can see this guy is a big problem, and the ladies so often can't see it?

.
Hi! I think I am misunderstanding this comment.

I don't want to hijack this thread but I want to discuss this further so I'm going to start a new thread on this with your quote, if you don't mind.

Thread on the topic in general here:

http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...96#post2721796
post #14 of 17
I'm going to be blunt, I hope I don't offend you...

Ditch the loser already. Whatever your past is, it's no excuse for him to behave the way he's behaving. You need to start valuing yourself a bit more- whatever is in your past, is no reason to let someone control every aspect of your life.

In another thread you said, "I want a tattoo soooo bad but I guess according to bf "ladies" dont have tattoos.." It's your body, not his. If he doesn't like you for who you are then, ditch him. It sounds to me like you're allowing him to have control over you.

Your boyfriend's behaviour is not good or normal.
post #15 of 17
I hope you feel better today...
Don´t give up!..
you need a TCS hug!...
post #16 of 17
Thread Starter 
Yeah I hear the hug needed...The trust issues stem from him knowing me when I cheated on my ex..(WITH HIM) and the fact that when we started dating I lied to him and was still smoking pot behind his back...Needless to say the year and half Ive busted my butt to prove that Im not that person hasnt made a difference. He works from home doesnt have a license doesnt go anywhere nothing..Ive already talked to my mom she said I can go there...now its just figuring out what to do about the animals....Im trying to leave its just hard five years of a friendship and relationship thrown in the mix...I know I need to go Im trying..Thank you for all your support and vibes...I need them..Im just broken down and depressed anymore and I can live like this!
post #17 of 17
He clearly needs a life, it's not your responsibility to be his mommy and push him out . I'm glad to hear you've sorted things out with your mom, that sounds like a great plan! If you're worried about the animals, take them with you. You and the ex can sort out what to do with them once things have all settled down.

If your mom's house isn't an option for the animals, try a small local shelter or friendly neighbours.

major for getting your life on track!!
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