Men and money--rant

Before my husband and I were married he lived month to month, never saved any money. After we married, I for some reason allowed him to handle the bills while we used my money for dinners out, groceries etc This was until I realized he wasn't paying bills on time because he didn't have the money. I took over the bills and the world changed. However DH struggles terribly with understanding the connection between swiping the debit card and the money in the bank acct. In the past 2 years he has overdrafted many times and we have fought many of them, but his bank is done with him and basically would rather him close the acct. So when he found out today that he had 7 overdrafts on his acct I was beyond furious. Over $200 gone because he just swipes without thinking. Two weeks ago we had a conversation (after he overdrafted) that either I was going to take the card away and only give him cash (so once its gone its gone) or he had better make a good effort to not overdraft--I told him to use his card for gas only and if he went to the grocery etc to take my card. So after today the card is gone, this is ridiculous we would have had some much more money to our names if he would just check his acct. (As a side note at each pay I give him about $200 in his acct, the rest goes in mine for bill paying or savings acct)

Anybody else with this issue?

Leslie

I read once that men and women view money differently, and I know from my personal experience that is very true.

It was said that men view money like a stream. You can take out a bucket, and more is always upstream. Women, by comparison view money like a pond. If you keep taking out by the bucket, it will eventually dry up.

Differences in how to manage money is one of the major reasons for divorce. He sounds in serious denial about spending. Could he be made to take a financial management course?

I don't think I know one man who is good at saving money...
(except my father, I think it's his hobby )

Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom

It was said that men view money like a stream. You can take out a bucket, and more is always upstream. Women, by comparison view money like a pond. If you keep taking out by the bucket, it will eventually dry up.

Click to expand...

This is so not true. Personally, most of the woman I met always want to just spend spend spend. My one sister was horrible with her checking account, but my other is great at it, just like me. I can tell you almost to the dollar, how much is in the account without looking. I have never overdrafted once. But, I really don't think this is an issue with men or woman. It all depends on how responsible a person is.

when I was married the same thing wound up happening, I took over the money because he kept screwing up and I gave him an allowance and if he spent it all, most of the time I would give him more, but I didn't give $200 either

It probably doesn't help that his father doesn't believe in banks (keeps his money at home), although his mom does and has worked in banks and she keeps her money in the bank.

I like the comparison between women and men, might have to print that and hang it on the fridge.

My father is the same as my husband, which is why he doesn't have a bank card either. He gets cash or if its something big mom gives him her credit card.

I didn't blow up this time because I think for some reason this time it really hit him hard--with us having bid on a house and in the process of trying to buy it. So I left him a note on his money clip that said, I loved him and just want him to respect what WE work for everyday and that I'm just trying to provide a great life for us and our future family. He'll find it when he leaves for work in the morning, he opens tomorrow.

I guess its just hard for me to understand I was brought up to save save save. His mom is a spender, money burns a hole in her pocket. I struggle to buy myself something that cost $5.

Leslie

after working in the bank for years, many people don't understand the correlation between a debit card and the bank account. They don't understand that Visa pays for whatever you spend and then you get overdrawn if the money isn't there. Many people think that if they don't have the money the debit card won't work, but this isn't true. There are so many people in this world that don't understand how basic banking works. I was working at one bank and this person came in to cash a check...no bank account with us nor was the check drawn on our bank. She was told she could take it to any bank in America to cash it.....what she was told was that she could take it to any Bank of America. (the name of the bank in which that particular check was drawn on. Trust me after years of working as a teller I have seen it all....you would be surprised at the things people don't know, and the things they think they do.

Does your husband have any other problems with planning? setting goals? or even multitasking?

Originally Posted by AmberThe Bobcat

But, I really don't think this is an issue with men or woman. It all depends on how responsible a person is.

Click to expand...

I agree. DH is very responsible with money, though it took him a little while to get that way. When I first met him he had a terrible habit of not writing down the amount for the checks he wrote out, and later treated a debit card the same way. <- was pretty much my reaction when I found out what he was doing.
His brother always gets over drafted and has yet to learn anything. It's like a cross of someone permanently stuck at age 14 (planning and responsibility wise) and someone with ADD...

Unlike DH and most people, I view money as something to horde.

My dad is very responsible with money, although the principle he lives by can be summarized with "don't spend any unless it's for food or alcohol" he typically has no expenses besides this so he doesn't need to worry about overdrafting ..
Although what everyone in my family does is use a credit card and never use our debit cards. It's much easier that way and you get reward points, as long as you are not so immature as to spend more than you are able to pay off and accumulate debt, which is just stupid.
But seriously I can never understand how some people take away their husbands' cards and give them cash to limit how much they spend...That is just crazy!

I know the money struggle all too well. My Dad was a compulsive gambler for over 10 years. He gambled away enough money to buy a new Lexus. Since then, he has gotten help and has become more responsible. Because of seeing him gamble so much, I've become really responsible with money. Over the past 5 years, I've saved enough to survive for about 2 years (that includes school, rent, groceries, cell phone bill, vet expenses, etc.). I set limits on my money and only carry a little cash on me for leisure.

Originally Posted by ut0pia

But seriously I can never understand how some people take away their husbands' cards and give them cash to limit how much they spend...That is just crazy!

Click to expand...

I didn't want to do that with my exhusband but had no choice. When he would go out and spend every single cent of his pay, leaving nothing for groceries, bills, rent etc. I had to give him a limited amount of cash to spend.

Not everyone grows up being taught how to manage money, you do what you have to do to keep from being behind in bills or evicted if the rent is always late or not paid at all.

I remember telling him, if he wants to act like a child I'll treat him like one

It's not just men.

Sounds like you both need to start living on cash only. Get rid of the credit cards and the debit card.

Sit down and figure out a budget of what you need each week for variable expenses (transportation, groceries etc), and take out that amount of money only.

Make up glass jars and put the amount of cash you have budgeted for that item inside the jar.

Make up a budget binder so that when you take out money from a jar to use, that you write down in the budget binder what you spent that money on. Put the receipt from the purchase in the jar.

Once the cash in the jar is gone, that's it. No more money for that item!!!!

You both need to use the system for it to work.

Swiping a card is not at all like handing over cash and seeing an empty wallet. With a credit card or debit card there is no concept of having spent any money because it's all electronic.

Here is a site that will help you both:

http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/

http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/

She is my financial hero! I hardly ever miss one of her television shows. I've learned so much about money and budgets from her. She's amazing!

PS: Cancel the over drafts. If it's not there, the bank won't allow the card to be accessed for more than what is in the account.

Originally Posted by AmberThe Bobcat

This is so not true. Personally, most of the woman I met always want to just spend spend spend. But, I really don't think this is an issue with men or woman. It all depends on how responsible a person is.

Click to expand...

I totally agree!. My late husband was in finance, so he always had our bank account in order, and i'm exactly the same.

Several of my friends, both male and female are up to their eyes in debt because they just don't know how to handle money. They try to live a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget, and they wonder why they have no money?!

Originally Posted by ut0pia

But seriously I can never understand how some people take away their husbands' cards and give them cash to limit how much they spend...That is just crazy!

Click to expand...

Some people are very impulsive (or compulsive, however you wish to phrase it). They may know they need to be more careful but are unable to do so. And in these cases someone else may need to be the responsible party.

Put in cat terms, cats have limited ability to plan ahead and worry about consequences. The part of the brain that handles this is the frontal lobe, the "executive brain". Cats have less of the brain designated to this than humans, or even dogs.
Some people have problems in this area as well, generally there will be other issues along with it - be it impulsiveness, attention problems, maybe some learning disabilities, ADHD, and so on. Some can have it without a lot of other issues.
Many people learn to compensate, but in those that are greatly affected by it there's not really anything that can "fix" it.

Is this what it wrong with everyone that irresponsible, probably not, though I doubt anyone has done a wide study comparing percentage of the frontal lobe used in regard to certain actions within a large portion of the population - and there would certainly be more involved.
But for some, there could be problems here. If you know someone with ADHD or now an adult with ADD, there's a good chance this is a big issue for them.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Swiping a card is not at all like handing over cash and seeing an empty wallet. With a credit card or debit card there is no concept of having spent any money because it's all electronic.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I think that's a big part of it. And the other part is discipline. Everyone wants to have 2 Lexuses sitting in the driveway, a 72" flatscreen TV in every room, nice clothes, etc even if they can't afford it. It's definitely not confined to one gender, but I think the reasons behind it are different. For guys I think it's more of an ego thing because there's a feeling that the worth of a man is determined by how much money he makes. For women, I think it's more of a Devil-may-care, seize the day thing, i.e., I know I can't afford that, but what the heck, you only live once.

I've never bounced anything in my life, but I never, ever use my debit card. I just find that it's too much of a hassle to keep track of the purchases and they don't have the fraud protection of a credit card.

Originally Posted by Grogs

Yeah, I think that's a big part of it. And the other part is discipline. Everyone wants to have 2 Lexuses sitting in the driveway, a 72" flatscreen TV in every room, nice clothes, etc even if they can't afford it. It's definitely not confined to one gender, but I think the reasons behind it are different. For guys I think it's more of an ego thing because there's a feeling that the worth of a man is determined by how much money he makes. For women, I think it's more of a Devil-may-care, seize the day thing, i.e., I know I can't afford that, but what the heck, you only live once.

I've never bounced anything in my life, but I never, ever use my debit card. I just find that it's too much of a hassle to keep track of the purchases and they don't have the fraud protection of a credit card.

Click to expand...

I agree. I use a debit card but I record every transaction in the transaction record book that I used to use for cheques. I also check my balance online on a regular basis. I know pretty much how much money I have in the bank at any given time and what I can afford to get and what I cannot.

I laugh at my hubby - he's Dutch and very tight with his money. He tells me I'm no good with money yet I've paid his VISA bill for him on several occasions. He recently said when he met me I had no savings - right! I was saving 7.5% of my salary through payroll deduction and for every dollar I saved the company (Union Carbide at the time) put in 50 cents. But he insists that I had no savings account at a bank. I've tried to explain to him that saving 7.5% of my salary plus the company contribution, plus the compound interest equals far more than any savings account in a bank. But he is also stubborn and likes to insist I'm no good with money.

Originally Posted by Grogs

Everyone wants to have 2 Lexuses sitting in the driveway, a 72" flatscreen TV in every room, nice clothes, etc even if they can't afford it.

Click to expand...

Not everyone is completely controlled by greed, driven by the need to get that "reward high" (dopamine), or even cares about what others think about the material items they posses. These people are probably few are far between, though.

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Some people are very impulsive (or compulsive, however you wish to phrase it). They may know they need to be more careful but are unable to do so. And in these cases someone else may need to be the responsible party.

Put in cat terms, cats have limited ability to plan ahead and worry about consequences. The part of the brain that handles this is the frontal lobe, the "executive brain". Cats have less of the brain designated to this than humans, or even dogs.
Some people have problems in this area as well, generally there will be other issues along with it - be it impulsiveness, attention problems, maybe some learning disabilities, ADHD, and so on. Some can have it without a lot of other issues.
Many people learn to compensate, but in those that are greatly affected by it there's not really anything that can "fix" it.

Is this what it wrong with everyone that irresponsible, probably not, though I doubt anyone has done a wide study comparing percentage of the frontal lobe used in regard to certain actions within a large portion of the population - and there would certainly be more involved.
But for some, there could be problems here. If you know someone with ADHD or now an adult with ADD, there's a good chance this is a big issue for them.

Click to expand...

Yea, I could NEVER understand how people can be this way!! Like, I was around 15 when my parents added me onto one of their credit card accounts and warned me not to spend more than whatever they said I can...The limit was probably over $5000, but I never spent more than what I was allowed because I knew I'd be in trouble if I do- so I'd have to be an idiot to do it!! So I am just unable to understand how a child at 15 can do this but not a grown man????

Originally Posted by strange_wings

But for some, there could be problems here. If you know someone with ADHD or now an adult with ADD, there's a good chance this is a big issue for them.

Click to expand...

Yep, I have ADD. I'm horrible at money. I impulsively spend it if I have it knowing I have to pay rent soon. I'm working on it, though. Doing okay now.

This really surprises me, adults should know how the debit and credit cards work or they shouldn't have one. There is no excuse whether you are male or female, of course mistakes happen and you may overdraw once but no more than that. If you can't learn by your mistakes and losing money to boot, don't use cards, just use cash.