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I didn't think the time would come

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
and I really didn't think it would affect me like it has, but Steve has now told me he talked to Shalee(sd) about trying to find her bio mom's whereabouts...she has wanted to see her for a long time...she hasn't seen her mom since she was like 2 years old.
She says she misses her, I don't understand sometimes because she doesn't even really know her to miss her..I think it is she misses thr thought of having a mom or something,,I don't know.
Steve and I talked about this about a month ago, but I didn't realize he was going to go behind my back and just decide that yesterday was the day to tell her...I don't know if I am mad about him telling her about it without my being here when he told her, or if I am upset about him actually wanting to go through with it.....I didn't think it would bother me, but he was trying to talk to me about it last night, and i just didn't want to talk about it..I have mixed feelings about it,,I don't even know how I feel...I have hard feelings toward Steve about Shalee and her issues, but now that he is talkng about her bio mom, it just freaks me out!..I don't know. I didn't think I would ever have to deal with her...but I may in the near future....I don't know if I can yall! I just don't know....
post #2 of 23
The woman IS the child's mother and Shalee has the right to know about her. Believe me, not knowing causes more problems. My son Mark has NEVER met his father. We don't even know if he's dead or alive.

If you try to stop this, you'll just foster more resentment.
post #3 of 23
Thread Starter 
I'm not trying to stop it...I am just shocked about the whole ordeal....
post #4 of 23
I think that if you make an effort to be part of this then you will come across as a step mom who really cares about her feelings. That can only make you a stronger role model in her eyes. I understand it is hurtful to you, but the questions she has could be torturing her. If she thinks it is her fault her mother left, it can really damage her self esteem!
post #5 of 23
I agree with Ady. Talk to Steve and let him know that as difficult as it may be for you, you want to be a part of this for Shalee. YOU are the one who she will come home with, the one who has raised her for the majority of her life, and the one who will be there if her bio Mom decides she wants nothing to do with her. I think it's unfortunate that your hubby decided to do this on his own, it would have been much better to present a united front to Shalee with both of you supporting this effort.

This may be the opportunity that you've been waiting for to really work on your relationship with Shalee.
post #6 of 23
I agree! You will only have a stronger place in her heart when you become a part of this!

Really examine what is bothering you. Is it because Steve had a relationship with this person? Do you fear she will come between you and your daughter? If this woman wants to even see Shalee, and she may not, she may be someone Shalee doesn't like. If they do get along ENCOURAGE it as a girl needs all the female role models she can get.

I know this is hard for you. My hubby had reservations with meeting my ex, but the kids came first and we even had my ex at our wedding.

I'm sending calming vibes and giving you a big cyber (((hug)))
post #7 of 23
I think Teresa has a valid point. Kathy, you need to think about why this is causing you so much anguish. Is it because he suddenly brings it up with Shalee, and at a time when, according to what you say, your marriage mey not be at its strongest point? I don't think you ought to avoid discussing this. You need to get in there and be a part of it.
post #8 of 23
Thread Starter 
I have felt like this for a long time...
i don't know how to deal with it, he has always treated her differently than his other 3 kids...she gets away with stuff when the other don't,
He never yells at her, he yells at the others...She is allowed to interrupt while steve and i are talking, while the others get yelled at if they even make any attempt to speak while we are talking..there is alot of jealousy, yes, I admit, but I believe it is more because she gets treated differently....She knows what she is doing..she will be 11 years old on the 24th of this month..I understand she is a child, and I don't expect perfection, but she plays her dad for the fool, and he lets her....see why I am so angry?
post #9 of 23
All I can say is...you are the REAL mom. The one who loved and raised her. The bio mom gave birth. NOT NEARLY AS IMPORTANT....AND THE CHILD WILL REALIZE THAT SOON ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!
post #10 of 23
I am a womn who cannot give birth to children....so when I adopt I hope that my kids will understand that giving birth doesn't make a mom.....raising and loving does!!!
post #11 of 23
Are you and hubby able to go into counceling? Maybe go to some parenting classes? Something that the two of you can do to get a better understanding of what is going on with each other and the children?

If your hubby won't go, go without him. The better you understand what is going on the stronger you will become.

I've used the hidden recorder to show my hubby how things look through others eyes and it has helped him to see things in a different light.

Hope you get things worked out soon.
post #12 of 23
One, I would say don't deal with the biological mom. You don't have to, remember that above all else. If she wants to speak with you, then have her speak with you and your husband at the same time. But in the search for her, that should be left to Steve and Shalee.

Secondly, be there for Shalee. She most likely wants to find her bio mom for a sense of identity, and to answer questions. But above all else, you are the one who is raising her, and she needs your support. If she finds that her bio mom doesn't anything to do with her, then she's going to need a shoulder to cry on. If she finds that her bio mom has some interest, she is going to need someone to celebrate with and also reassurance that she won't be ostercized for her actions.

Lastly, I say Steve and you need some time to talk or counceling, whatever it takes. For him to do this behind your back, without consulting you, sounds like something is bothering him. And with what you are saying, how he treats her differently, it could be because of a sense of guilt or a sense of fear that she will be treated differently if he doesn't. There's a chance he is totally oblivious to the actions he takes with the other children. I know my aunt was much the same way. She favored the one above the other. She had guilt issues, and thus responded accordingly and unwittingly.

I agree with Teresa, if he doesn't want to go, go without him. He'll see one way or another.
post #13 of 23

I agree that you and Steve really need to sit down and discuss this. Also, take a long hard look at how you treat Shalee as compared to your biological children. Could it be that she doesn't feel as much a part of the family? I am not trying to be hurtful, just analytical. Perhaps Shalee gets subtle messages from you, as well as her perception that Steve treats her differently. I am going to point out a small example, but one that I caught. Look at your signature. You list your 3 kids, oldest to youngest, and then Shalee afterward. At first I thought that maybe you were listing them in their order in the picture, but the Samuel is not first in line. Is it possible that you give off this meesage to her in other ways? Kids are really perceptive. Her behavior may be an outgrowth of not feeling like she is 'equal' to the other kids in the adults' eyes. To me, if she is asking about her biological mother at this point, there is a reason behind it.
post #14 of 23
Kathy I'm sorry about the whole ordeal, It's something she should know about though , I agree talk to Steve & Shalee.

I'm kinda adopted, My Dad ran off when I was 2 days old to Scotland amd I have never seen him and recently he has wanted to be more in my life BUT I said No Way you ditch my Mum I ditch you. I feel my Dad, Mike is my real daddy, who cares if we are not blood, isn't the one who cared, loved for you for 13 years that's your real parent.

Just think about it ya'll . Coming from a person in the same situation.

post #15 of 23
One of my closest friends and two of my cousins are adopted. None of them have ever looked for their biological parents. But then, my friend who is adopted is an only child and my aunt who adopted my cousins only has them because she had six miscarriages and one infant who died after two weeks. They don't have to worry about competing for any sort of attention and they have nothing to compare it against.
post #16 of 23

I am 30 this year and I have never met my father. His family was rich and when my mum became pregnant (in Poland) his family rushed him off denying all connection. I only found this out when I was 16, but it made perfect sense to me. My stepdad did treat me differently from my sister and to try to balance this my grandad, my mum's dad, went the other way and tried to be extra loving to me, but because of this I always felt separated from my sister (well, not anymore but it took a while), having been told I immediately turned into the teenager from hell. I don't think Shalee means to milk it conciously, I didn't but I felt insecure where I was and needed more affirmation that I was loved and not the outsider.

I remember saying to my stepdad at the time that I wanted to find my REAL father because he would love me and I loved him. I had no idea what I was talking about, I had never even met the man. My stepdad IS my real dad and will always be.
Shalee says she misses her mother but she doesn't really, she JUST WANTS TO because that would mean her mother never left her but was just *away*. That was so in my case.
I used to purposefully say things to my stepdad to hurt him, I knew he loved me, but he was more distant towards me. I remember him trying to talk to me about the whole thing, but I was hurt and just wanted to hurt him back.

I'm sure, from experiance, that Shalee loves you and thinks of you as her mother but to admit that in her 11year old mind is to deny her mother. She can't do that just yet. It took me a while.

Now when I talk to my stepdad we both admit we handled things very imperfectly, he admitted to me he was just aware of trying not to treat me differently that he ended up doing so anyway!

Maybe try to talk to Shalee, I can't promise it'll go well, my conversations were always hard at the time, but somewhere in her teen brain she will acknowledge that you're making the effort.

I think it's very hard on you that your hubby talked to her behind your back, he handled it badly I think, you should have been involved in that conversation, to show Shalee that you're all one family, acting as one. But talk to him, tell him how you feel, calmly if you can, this is such an emotional thing, but you can get through it.

I never looked for my dad in the end, I may one day, who knows? But if Shalee does and finds her, just listen, don't offer any opinions is my advice, because no matter how right you may be, she probably won't take it in the spirit it's offered, that's not your fault it's just her age.

I wish you all the luck in the world, I really hope this ends happily for you all.

My experiance is that those who love you NOW and care for you NOW are the most important and the ones who you always end up loving and coming back to. She will see that, sooner or later (hopefull sooner).

Love to youxxx
post #17 of 23
Thread Starter 
Look at your signature. You list your 3 kids, oldest to youngest, and then Shalee afterward. At first I thought that maybe you were listing them in their order in the picture, but the Samuel is not first in line. Is it possible that you give off this meesage to her in other ways?
She doesn't even know what my signature looks like and maybe it is something I am not aware of....

Linka~ Your story helps me a whole lot, and I appreciate everyone's replies
post #18 of 23

I realize that Shalee doesn't see your signature pic. And I am sure than you wrote the text without even thinking twice about it. I guess I would look at it personally and ask myself if there are perhaps other subtle, subconscious ways I send her a message I don't really intend to send her.

Let me see if I can give an example. Ok, when I was growing up, it was Mom and Dad. But when my father was remarried, it was always Dad and Anne, never the other way around. I'd never mention the names of my step brother and sisters before my own blood siblings.

I guess it's just something to consider in thinking about the messages you might be sending to her, even though you don't intend to. I know that my brother was brought up with the 3 steps I mentioned. (I was already 19 and out of the house.) He often felt in last place or outnumbered against them.
post #19 of 23
Thread Starter 
I know you mean well Deb and I really appreciate your input..it helps to have a more prospective look on things..I try but maybe I just don't try hard enough because let me tell you, she is so impossible to deal with sometimes, but then again, what child is at certain times?..I try so hard to put myself in her shoes, and I do feel bad...we just can't seem to meet eye to eye most of the time....thanks though..I went back and read my reply and it sounded offensive, but I didn't mean for it to sound that way if you took it that way..if you could only hear me say it...
post #20 of 23

My only intent is to try and give you some perspective. From what you have said and the way your husband treats her, the situation does sound stressful and difficult to manage. Sometimes a person outside the situation sees things that the participants don't see. I suppose that is why counseling is often good. I wish you the best of luck in finding some resolution here for the sake of everyone in the family.
post #21 of 23

I am a stepmom to 5 older grown kids. I am very close in age to Mike's oldest son, which made my merge into the family all that more difficult. His youngest daughter was 28 when I marred her father and she used to refer to me in not very nice terms. The mom is very much still in the kid's lives, which made my presence even more tenuous. I was trying to hard with all of them, and finally realized that and relaxed. I now get Mother's Day cards from the daughter every year. It took a long time for us to find our way to each other. But the major step was in me realizing that way had to be found in order for there to be harmony in the home. His daughter was beyond difficult, even stealing my car one afternoon.
post #22 of 23
If she has not sought out her child in the last 9 years, the biological mom may not want any contact with her now. If I were you I'd deal with the day to day issues that are bothering you now about Shalee and Steve. These problems will not get smaller, they will only escalate as Shalee gets older. She needs to be treated the same as the other children. Not only will this help control her unwanted behavior but it will make her feel more like one of your children. She will not feel as different. Steve needs to realize this too. Once you get the issues worked out between Shalee, Steve, and you, then you will be more able to handle the introduction of the biological mother....if it comes to that. Good luck. You have a hard row to hoe but it's not insurmountable. My sister had a similar situation. It came out in therapy that her stepdaughter craved to be treated like the other kids. She felt like a fifth wheel. Once the rules became universal for all the kids.....she settled in and was fine.
post #23 of 23
Hi, Kathy. I've been following this, but I don't feel competent to comment because I'm not a mom (just a teacher and an aunt). But. Shalee is now 11, and nowadays that means she's probably going through puberty, which is a difficult time, when you really have to cut the kids some slack. Deb called your attention to your signature, and perhaps rightly so. I questioned it way before I knew that Shalee was your step-daughter. At the time, I thought you might have valued boys above girls, because there didn't seem to be any logical order. You think that she has never seen the signature, but I wouldn't be so sure. For a start, I would change it - either list all the kids in their birth order, or go by the picture. Show it to Shalee, and ask her her opinion (that's sneaky, but at times you have to manipulate).
Secondly, ask her about her hopes/fears/expectations regarding her biological mother, and discuss your own with her. Take her on a shopping trip, treat her to lunch, or rent a video that you two can watch together when the younger ones are in bed, and have some hot chocolate or whatever afterwards. If she's into cats, find another website where you can both contribute, and discuss what the other participants say. Good luck, and please don't give up on her - a lot of teens are impossible!
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