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Vibes? Advice? Relationship needs ending...(long)

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
Well as you may have guessed from the title of this thread, I have realized that I need to end my relationship (which has been over for sometime if I am to be honest). Ive seen some good advice on here for similar situations, and am hoping I can get some words of wisdom. I have been with my bf for about 3.5 years. We live together. I am 27 and he is 39. We started dating before I moved to Edmonton, and about 7 months after I moved here, he moved to Alberta as well. I knew at the time that moving in together was too quick a move, but it was a convenience thing, and a "new love" thing. We made it work alright, but I knew within a year of him moving here that he was not "the one", but we were happy and enjoying things a lot of the time. FF to now and some reasons it is over (short version): different long term goals/priorities, different feelings on "big" things like family, politics, friendship etc., *no* communication, no more sex life, and frankly, a good dose of verbal and emotional abuse on his part due to anger and depression issues. I really just cant take it anymore, and at the beginning of July, for me, a line was crossed that I cant/wont get back over. So why have I drawn it out for the last 7 weeks? Well, dear bf was fired from his job after an angry outburst in late June, and only today started working again. He is terrible with money, and has no savings. While we have accumulated several thousand $ in cc debt (all stupidly, in my name as he has terrible credit), I am the only one who has been paying off these bills (and ftr, I am a graduate student who makes less than $25000 a year - I cannot afford to support us both while he blows his $ on his own things). So I really didnt feel I could "kick him out" - he literally would have had nothing and nowhere to go. I guess I could go on and on, but I feel/have felt trapped and even blackmailed into continuing this relationship, and I really really cant continue. Despite sounding sick and tired fed up and poisoned, I do love him (though not "in love") and dont enjoy the idea of hurting him and ultimately, giving us both a broken heart. I know he is also unhappy in our relationship, but I have had the scary realization that he is content to be miserable forever - and would indefinately continue our farce of a relationship. I meant to have "the talk" with him last weekend, but I was pretty busy in lab one day, doing falcon watch the other and ultimately chickened out. This weekend, we had a serious social commitment on Sunday that I needed to attend, so I figured I would try discussing things with him after that, but he basically walked in the door and went to bed. So I plan on it for today, but theres a preseason NFL Giants game on, and I knew he wouldnt talk to me or listen to me during this. Turning off the tv would likely have cause a destructive outburst from him, and I dont want to "do this" in a situation I *know* will be explosive - but maybe I am kidding myself about his ability to be mature at any time. So immediately after the game ends, which he has been nodding off during, he goes to bed - and imo, also not wise to try to break up with someone who cant stay awake. I guess Im looking for thoughts, advice, bravery vibes - whatever. I know prolonging the inevitable is only making this worse for both of us, and is unfair to him. I am worried for him though, Im willing (though not happy) to give him up to a month to find a place and move out, as this is my apartment, and pretty much everything in it is mine - he gave away/sold/threw out a lot of things before moving to AB, and once when we had a big fight and I tried to end things with him 9 mos after he moved here, he literally threw out everything he owned in a tantrum. I ended up salvaging some personal things from the dumpster, but the local homeless made off with anything of value, and the majority of his $ since has gone into his DVD collection...I just dont know what to do...well I do, I just dont know how to do it/what to expect, and I feel very uneasy. PLUS Im sure he thinks of Daisy as his, despite us adopting her together, and not surprising, I paid the adoption fee, the microchip fee, her pet license, and all her vet care in the last year, and Im not willing to let him have her (I think its against my adoption contract in any case - I just dont see him "accepting" this). UGH!!!

If youre still here, thanks for reading, and please spare a thought for me
post #2 of 19
All I can really offer you is that you are able to find the strength to do what needs doing.

It is quite apparant in your post that you know that things need to change, and he needs to leave.

I really hope you can find the strength to have the talk before he becomes more abusive, before you are further in debt and before you are hurt more.

and mega strength
post #3 of 19
I can't add any wisdom to the pot. You seem to know what you need to know about this lousy situation, including that you need to get off the pot and do it. So, I'm just going to give you for the wisdom to pick a time that will work, and the gumption to grab yourself by the scruff of the neck and get on with it -- and as much peace as you can salvage for the two of you.
post #4 of 19
I just broke up with my boyfriend this weekend. Well we didn't live together but I know how you feel, how you care about him even though you're not in love..I think you've really thought about the situation and if you are as sure about it as your post sounds, it seems you've made your decision. Once that has been done it's only a matter of will power and a little bit of self torture..For me the hardest part was getting the words out to him in a clear and concise manner that it's really over.
What I've been doing after it is reminding myself all of the reasons I had for breaking up with him so that they are fresh in my memory and I don't go running back to him..
post #5 of 19
Give him 1 month to make the move. Don't make someone a priority in your life when your just a option in theirs!
post #6 of 19
My advice is to just end it. If you think he will give you grief about him moving out, then go and find yourself a new apartment, and pack your things and tell him that it's just not working and after having given it a great deal of thought and consideration, you feel it's best that you move out.

Oh....and cancel the credit cards! Pronto! Especially the ones that have his name on them along with yours.

So far as the debt goes, unless you sue him for 1/2 of what is owing, you are likely out of luck and will be responsible for paying the credit card debt all on your own. Chalk it up to a serious learning experience.

Honesty is the best policy, and to continue in what you already know is a farce of a relationship is unfair to you, and to him.

And I can read between the lines...he is an abusive jerk that has probably physically assaulted you at least once. You don't need someone like that in your life. And there is no excuse for him abusing you in any fashion. So don't make up excuses for him having done it.
post #7 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
My advice is to just end it. If you think he will give you grief about him moving out, then go and find yourself a new apartment, and pack your things and tell him that it's just not working and after having given it a great deal of thought and consideration, you feel it's best that you move out.

Oh....and cancel the credit cards! Pronto! Especially the ones that have his name on them along with yours.

So far as the debt goes, unless you sue him for 1/2 of what is owing, you are likely out of luck and will be responsible for paying the credit card debt all on your own. Chalk it up to a serious learning experience.

Honesty is the best policy, and to continue in what you already know is a farce of a relationship is unfair to you, and to him.

And I can read between the lines...he is an abusive jerk that has probably physically assaulted you at least once. You don't need someone like that in your life. And there is no excuse for him abusing you in any fashion. So don't make up excuses for him having done it.
If I knew how to put my thoughts into words, I would have said exactly this.
post #8 of 19
Wow, this sounds a lot like the situation I'm in.. Too quickly moved in together, realized he is not the one, can't kick him out 'coz he has nothing (everything is mine), not even friends here because he moved to this city from another place, he has mental issues which has also lead to emotional abuse etc.

I'm going to give you the same advice I know I should do, kick him out. If he's been rude to you and treated you like crap, he deserves it. Give him some time to find a new apartment, but if it seems he's not doing anything about it, you can always get a new apartment. He'll propably make you feel very quilty no matter what he has done to you, but remember that it's not your fault. He should have realized his behavior and differenses in your future plans will eventually lead to this so it's not like a total surprise..

Here's some vibes for you:
post #9 of 19
It sounds to me like he's more the one that needs to get off the pot. Those are some pretty classic symptoms of drug abuse, and pile on where you're living (hey all big cities have issues). Don't be shocked if you don't know about it (or if you do and are unwilling to share, it's ok) some men are VERY good at hiding it. I could tell you stories...

If the adoption & city licenses are in your name he has no legal claim, but for their sake get the animals out before the fight. They are very likely to take the brunt of some misplaced anger from the sounds of it. Either take them to a friends house "dotty needs to go to the vet for a check up..." or contact your local woman's or cat shelter they may both be able to offer up some temporary housing. Even if they under both your names, that is something you can figure out after the dust has settled.

I'm in agreement with Nat, if you can switch the lease on the appartment over to his name I would move out. I don't think you're going to be able to get him out of the house with out allot of snivelling, and drawing it out. He sounds like a 39 year old baby, and hun I've known 50 year old babies - some men NEVER grow up. If you've got some good friends in town it's pretty easy to pack up some small boxes and get them out with out him noticing.

If you don't think you're going to be able to move I would pack up his things for him, have them waiting at the door and stone-wall him. You've made a decision to end it you've got to get him out! He's a big boy, I'm sure he has friend or at least knows how to rent a motel room, he'll be just fine.

This is more then just ending a relationship he's obviously becoming increasingly violent and aggressive toward you. If you're at all concerned about him getting physical talk to your super, I'm sure they can help provide some burly maintenance men to help evict him. At least let them know what is going on so someone can keep an eye on you. Don't be afraid to call the cops, they are what you pay all those tax dollars for. At very least may be you'll meet a cute police officer .

It's also quite obvious he knows this is coming or he wouldn't be making himself so unavailable to you. He's hiding, this is not going to be a big surprise. What is very telling about his personality is that he hasn't bothered to change his routine, or be kinder to you. Your ex is just as out of this relationship as you are.

Above all else Be strong, be forceful, and stand behind the decision you've made; you want to end this relationship for good reasons. Don't listen to his lame promises he'll change, he won't. Don't listen to the begging or the pleading, he's just scared things are changing. Don't listen to the yelling or the screaming, he's a big baby and you're taking away his easy ride. You made this decision, it's what you want, you will be happier and healthier for it.

Once he's gone, do NOT talk to him again. Do NOT let him weasel his way back it. Remember the bad times, move on with your life.

Very Best of Luck . You're doing the right thing.
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernGlow View Post
can't kick him out 'coz he has nothing (everything is mine), not even friends here because he moved to this city from another place
You aren't his mother and are not responsible for him. Buy him a bus ticket back to the city he's from and let his mother take over his responsibility.
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
You aren't his mother and are not responsible for him. Buy him a bus ticket back to the city he's from and let his mother take over his responsibility.
post #12 of 19
I do not really have any advice, other than, if he is explosive and you expect him to get violent, have a plan of action. I would recommend finding a place to take Daisy (and any other animals) before the "fight", so that it cannot become an issue. Also, be sure to protect yourself. How you do that really depends on what kind of behaviour you expect to result from having this discussion with him. If you think it'll just be yelling and screaming, that's one thing. If you think he'll handle it OK enough to take a month to leave, then that's great. However, if you think he might be abusive, I would simply pack up his things, set them outside your door, and get the locks changed. Have the conversation over the phone, or write him a note.

I know you love him, but if things are really that bad, I wouldn't worry about him not having anywhere to go. He's a big boy...he made the bed, let him lie in it. If you're really that concerned, spring for a motel room for him for a couple of nights so he can figure out what he's going to do next.

post #13 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernGlow View Post
Wow, this sounds a lot like the situation I'm in.. Too quickly moved in together, realized he is not the one, can't kick him out 'coz he has nothing (everything is mine), not even friends here because he moved to this city from another place, he has mental issues which has also lead to emotional abuse etc.

I'm going to give you the same advice I know I should do, kick him out. If he's been rude to you and treated you like crap, he deserves it. Give him some time to find a new apartment, but if it seems he's not doing anything about it, you can always get a new apartment. He'll propably make you feel very quilty no matter what he has done to you, but remember that it's not your fault. He should have realized his behavior and differenses in your future plans will eventually lead to this so it's not like a total surprise..

Here's some vibes for you:
I think you said it all in the part I bolded. I'm not a prude and not against living together before marriage. My husband and I did it too for nearly a year before we married.

But the problem is as you said, you made the move too quickly. You need to really get to know the person and be reasonably sure he/she is the RIGHT one before you share the furniture. You need at least 6 months of dating before you really know someone well enough to take it to the next level. I would also highly recommend that you meet everyone you can in his family during that 6 months, and picture them as your future in-laws. If you can't envision that, and the potential in-laws are "weird" and don't fit with your values, don't think you can change them. You can't. Cut your loses and move on.

And by all means, have an agreement, preferably signed and witnessed before as to who will pay what. Do NOT allow yourself to be USED as a security blanket and ATM because he prefers to spend his $$ on stupid stuff like DVDs. Do NOT jointly own anything until you legally tie the knot. You can't cut your pets in half. Any furniture you buy, keep the receipt and records of who paid for it so there is no issue if and when you split up.
post #14 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nes View Post

<snipped, but I'm in total agreement>

Once he's gone, do NOT talk to him again. Do NOT let him weasel his way back it. Remember the bad times, move on with your life.

Very Best of Luck . You're doing the right thing.
I would like to add that when you break up with him and anytime after you deliver the news, DO NOT BE ALONE WITH HIM! There are way too many dead wives and girlfriends because the guy couldn't accept a break-up. DON'T BECOME ANOTHER STATISTIC! Have your best friend with you at all times when you are facing him, and if you have a big strong brother, that is even better.
post #15 of 19
I whole heartedly agree with everyone else on here!! And thank them all also because this past weekend I have been trying to get advice on almost the exact same situation..Only difference is that Ive got to move! Ive got the place to go now its just figuring out how to get mystuff my animals out and do the break up!! Ive never broken up with anyone before so this has had me horribly sick since Friday night! Good luck sweetie and Im sending major vibes to you!!!
post #16 of 19
3CN1D - moving truck, they are a little expensive but shop around, especially craigs list (the unemployed guy with a truck is a great option!), do it during work (you'll have to take the day off) it should only take a couple hours. Just do a "summer cleaning" around the house and get things organized a day or two before.

Agree with her blog politics or not, this one was a very good and relevant post
http://fuglyhorseoftheday.blogspot.c...s-subject.html

Quote:
What if you're the one in this situation? The first thing I want to say is that no one should feel ashamed. Pretty much everybody has been with the Wrong Person, just different varieties of Wrong. Just about nobody leaves when they should. It's just a fact. The process of breaking free from the Wrong Person takes time and I think I've read that most women leave a physically abusive partner seven times before they make it stick. OK, but you know what? The first time, get the animals out. If there's any way in the world to do it, get the animals out and keep them out and don't let him know where they are. Tell your close friends the truth - I'll bet one of them will help you with the animals. If he's already isolated you so you don't have close friends, call your local domestic violence shelter and ask them for guidance. Remember, they talk to women in this situation all day - they are not going to judge you. You don't even have to give your real name to get information. And information is all over the Internet (use library computers - your home one may have a keylogger already installed if your SO is jealous and controlling). You won't know - it doesn't show up in your installed programs, so be careful...

...The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. You can always call them!
post #17 of 19
Thread Starter 
I really want to thank everyone for the support and reinforcement. It is funny how you can know what needs to be done so clearly, but still have troubles doing it. A lot of what has been assumed in this thread by others is correct, some I hope is not (ie drug abuse; but is not an impossibility). I have a safe place for the cats that I too can retreat too if necessary, but am not sure if I could get the lease switched to him : he isnt even on it and my building is pretty strict with credit requirements that I know he does not have. Otherwise, I probably would have just "disappeared" one day and kind of worried about the aftermath later. Im going to try and broach the subject tonight, and will let you know how it goes. Again, thank you so so much for the supporting encouragement. I know you are all right (I know I am doing the right thing, I just wish it was not so hard, I feel it shouldnt be this hard considering everything you know?)
post #18 of 19
Of course it's going to be hard! You've been together for 3 years, that is a long time to get used to the routine of being with someone, and you loved him (maybe not now, but once) that takes a long time to get over.

Best of luck, stay strong, don't take no! We are ALL routing for you!!
post #19 of 19
BF works ten feet from the house in his own garage! Id love to pull that option off but unfortunatly I know its going to become a big nasty scene when it does happen as my friend Dee said..Its time I grow a pair and use them!! Im working on it I cant go without eating for a week...And so far Im up to 4 days!!!!
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