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need to vent and maybe some relationship advice??

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
I can't believe i'm writing this..I usually dont' mind sharing personal things on here but this is wayy more personal that I am usually comfortable with. But anyway, I really feel like I need to talk to someone because I am not sure what I'm experiencing is normal for a 4 year relationship with someone!!
Okay so I've always had issues with my boyfriend, he has driven me crazy many times and our relationship has been on and off, but we've never been apart for more than like 2-3 days. After we break up we usually run back to each other and everything becomes perfect for a while.
We were both 17 when we started dating, and I'll be 21 next month so we've come a long way. The problem is, I've changed so much since we started dating and he hasnt' really changed all that much.. Ahh I won't go on and on listing all of the things that bother me because this will never end. Lately I look at him and I barely feel any attraction....I could never say this to him though because I know it will make him feel crappy..
The thing is, how do I break up with someone who has been my best friend and more for 4 years? We've had rough times but we are so comfortable with each other it's like he's not even a separate person but an extention of me...This is an unhealthy way to have a relationship with someone I know that for sure. But what can I do?? I feel like I need to probably see my therapist that I used to see for depression a few years ago and talk to her to clear my head....
post #2 of 19
I don't know about how to break up with him, but since I am much older and have had years of experience to gather knowledge and have successfully raised two children who are now adults with families of their own, I can say with absolute certainty that who you are at 17 is not who you are at 21 and and 21 is not who you are at 25 or 30.

17 is way too young to make a permanent commitment. I married the first time at 19, so I have some experience. I suspect that you are living together, right? If so, that makes breaking up a little more complicated, but nontheless necessary.

My best piece of advice to anyone your age is to know yourself first. Be comfortable in your own skin. Have goals. Have a career (or train for one) that will give you satisfaction and independence. Have your own place for at least a year before you live with someone else. Date for 6 months to a year before making any sort of living/marriage commitment. Then wait another 1-5 years before having children.

Whatever you do, don't be bullied into making a permanent commitment with him or someone else, just because it is "comfortable" and spliting the sheets seems like too much work or is too scary because of financial reasons.

You will never be this age again. Go out and live, and enjoy the independence that living alone brings. You will be ever so much richer for the experience, and will make a much more interesting mate once you have your own single memories!
post #3 of 19
Women commit to a man, planning on changing him. Men to commit to women, thinking they'll never change. This is why they invented marriage; it's a contract to stabilize a relationship that is not naturally stable.

Break up with him. Be all you can be. You need to develop more mentally and socially, and your life, according to statistics, really doesn't stabilize until you're in your late 20's.
post #4 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom View Post

My best piece of advice to anyone your age is to know yourself first. Be comfortable in your own skin. Have goals. Have a career (or train for one) that will give you satisfaction and independence. Have your own place for at least a year before you live with someone else. Date for 6 months to a year before making any sort of living/marriage commitment. Then wait another 1-5 years before having children.
That's great advice. 21 is still early in life as far as knowing who you are or where you're going. Lol, I feel like I barely know those things about myself at 30. Still, I've experienced far less personal change in the last few years than I did in previous ones.

21 is far more fun when you're single!

Finally this, breaking up always sucks and I know that after a four year relationship that's magnified. People always worry about hurting the other person so ask yourself what would be more hurtful to you: someone letting you go and moving on when they didn't feel the same way or someone stringing you on out of pity and wishing they were somewhere else.
post #5 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by howtoholdacat View Post
21 is far more fun when you're single!

Finally this, breaking up always sucks and I know that after a four year relationship that's magnified. People always worry about hurting the other person so ask yourself what would be more hurtful to you: someone letting you go and moving on when they didn't feel the same way or someone stringing you on out of pity and wishing they were somewhere else.
That is also great advice!

There is nothing worse than spending another 5 years or longer, then wishing you had made other choices for that period in life that you can never relive.
post #6 of 19
Even if he is a decent guy, which I suspect he is if he is still your best friend, you are much too young to be in a totally committed relationship. It will not be easy breaking up with him, but do you really want to wake up 40 years from now and realize you have stayed with someone just because you did not want to hurt his feelings? You will not be doing either one of you any justice if you feel like this and stay in this relationship. Somewhere down the line you may even end up together, but now just does not seem like the right time. I hope this does not sound harsh, I did not mean for it to, and I wish you all the best in your decision.
post #7 of 19
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone! Wow after posting this I've been really restless and feeling the need to do something like call him or I dunno. But I don't want to do anything without thinking so I am holding out on that thought. I think I have issues myself, like I know for sure that if I wanted to I could convince myself that I am totally in love with him and I shouldn't break up. I will think of all the good things about our relationship and amplify them 10x..It's just so hard for me to tell what's real anymore because I always convince myself how I should feel rather than just looking objectively at reality I dictate what my own responses should be. I wish I had a clear picture of what I wanted. I know for sure that I care about him and that I love him. To me the line between lover and friend is very blurred because I don't have any male friends with whom I feel absoltely no romantic attraction. There is just no one besides my family members..Even male friends that I have that I have no romantic relationship with and never plan to, I know there is the potential. So it's not like I can clearly say I love him just as a friend...I am getting confused and just thinking all day today..
post #8 of 19
This post hits very close to home for me. Im only 25 and at 20 I entered into a relationship with someone whom I didnt like but convinced myself I loved and we stayed together for three years..AND it was horrible...My advice would be to look honestly and openly at yourself and ask yourself if this is where you want to be. If you have doubt then it more than likely is best for things to end as friendly as possible. You shouldnt trap yourself into a relationship with someone just to make them happy. One thing Ive learned that proves to be true is that you CANNOT change a person you can only change yourself.
I really hope you are able to work through this because I know how tough and hard it can be on a persons heart and soul. Best of luck!
post #9 of 19
Thread Starter 
Well it may have been a dumb idea but I made a pros and cons list lol...
The pros were that he loves me and will always be there to comfort me no matter what and that I care about him a lot. The cons were, lately I am in not interested in anything he talks about, at one point he wanted to kiss me and I didn't even want to kiss him back, I haven't found him attractive and haven't felt any romantic feelings for him. Well those were cons that I'd very easily convince myself that I'm delusional and imagining things and I'm really in love with him. I guess I really don't have anything to compare my relationship to, I don't know how good it's supposed to get. I'm asking myself, what if 5 or 10 years from now I haven't found anyone better and I had simply set my standard too high?? Something tells me tho, if I have no desire to kiss him that's a big problem, not something that i'm making up...
post #10 of 19
Totally agree! You have to be your own best friend first and foremost.
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by clpeters23 View Post
Totally agree! You have to be your own best friend first and foremost.
100000000000000% true....Your the only one you can count on thru everything no matter what...And if you have no desire to even kiss him then there is something lacking there and maybe you have "outgrown" the relationship...I know if I felt that way about BF I wouldnt be able to continue living with him and having our family with him. I would think it would be better to be upfront and honest and tell him exactly how you feel its not fair to either of you to continue faking something that isnt there
post #12 of 19
Maybe the best thing would be to tell him you are feeling a bit swamped by everything and you need a break to sort your feelings out. That mightbe letting him down gently and give yourself time to know your own real thoughts. But if yo do that you must make it a real break, and not contact each other for the agreed time, at least six months I would say.
post #13 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by ut0pia View Post
...The cons were, lately I am in not interested in anything he talks about, at one point he wanted to kiss me and I didn't even want to kiss him back, I haven't found him attractive and haven't felt any romantic feelings for him...
Oh, I didn't realize the two of you were married.

Sorry, that big ol' softball was just too tempting.

Ah, but seriously. You know, I've always thought that the best litmus test for any relationship was to separate. I'm a firm believer in the "If you love something, set it free..." adage. Sometimes you just need to let fate decide the things that are too painful or confusing to handle, lest you end up trying to subconsciously manipulate a situation, and head down the wrong path. And then you have no one but yourself to blame, and are saddled with regret and "What ifs".
post #14 of 19
for me if i cant look at the man sexually anymore it is purely over.
i was in a reallll crap relationship and it is way beyond my past, stayed together with him because i literally saw no way out of it, untill he decided to leave me for another woman, sure i was peeved but it was the best thing that could ever happen to me, didnt date for a year then i dated here and there and fell in love with hubby. took a good two years before i started being with him though.

if things were to turn for the worst that i couldnt look at him as my sexy man anymore i would evaluate whats wrong with the relationship, and if things dont work out after councelling, well i prefer not to think about it >_<
post #15 of 19
Advice from an old teacher (me):

Marry someone you like, not someone you love. Eventually, the flash and bang of sex will wear off, and it's really miserable to sit down and talk about the rent and car payments with someone you really don't like all that much.
post #16 of 19
You need to sit down and be honest with each other. Outline what topics you want to cover, and make it a rule that neither one of you will start yelling or fighting. This is just a discussion about your future together.

Maybe he's feeling the same way but doesn't want to tell you any more then you tell him. But it sounds like you are just not lovers/partners any more. And that means you are nothing more then good friends.

If you and him cannot picture being happy and married for the next 40 or 50 yrs, then end the relationship now. You both deserve to find the right person that you love and want to be with a long time.

Yes its scary to leave a 4 yr relationship - and that's why you keep coming back - to something familiar but not something you really want long term.
post #17 of 19
Honey, I agree with taking a break. He's not making you happy and you need to focus on what YOU want. It's scary, I know. All people change, but it doesn't mean they all change the same way and they change at different rates (does that make sense?)

Let me tell you a story. I had a boyfriend that was my BESTEST friend in the whole world. We started out as friends first. We dated, talked about marriage, etc...then he broke up with me. His last words to me were "I don't want to ruin the friendship". My last words to him that night was "You just did." Was I heartbroken? Yes! Did I hate him for a while? Yes. I went about my life, and eventually we were able to talk and hang out as just friends, which was great. I moved away for 4 years, he moved around, and somehow we ended up back in the same place 8 years later. Guess what....he's now my husband!!

So, I guess my bottom line is, you're young. If he's not making you happy go and experience life and find out who you really are. If he's worth having around he will still be there 5-8-10-15 years from now and who know what will happen.
post #18 of 19
If you don't feel the same about him as you used to, then you need to be honest and tell him instead of letting him think that everything is wonderful.

My best advice is to be honest with him.

Sit him down and tell him that you've given the situation and your relationship a great deal of thought and that you don't think it's fair to either one of you to continue in the relationship given the change in your feelings.

Explain to him that you both met while you were very young and that at this point in your life you have different goals and ambitions for yourself now than you had back then and are not ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone.

Let him know that you still love him, but are not in love with him in a romantic way: The way a woman and man who are in a sexual relationship should be in love with each other.

If you feel that he is capable of just being friends with you without pushing or hoping that there will be something more, tell him that you would like to remain friends.

However, it seems to be your pattern that you have broken up but fall back into a relationship again after a few days, yet your feelings don't change. You seem to get back with him out of pity and habits rather than because you are in love with him and want to be with him for the rest of your life. So that tells me that neither one of you are capable of remaining friends with each other at this point in your life and that it would be best to have a clean break and to stay away from one another.
post #19 of 19
Deep inside you know what the right thing for you to do is.
I know it's tough, and confusing but whatever you decide, be happy. Make yourself happy. When I was struggling with guilt after seperating from my husband a very clever person said to me "you are the person who has to walk around, and be in YOUR mind, make yourself happy, not anyone else"
We're all here for you
to help you through this
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