How much to spend on a wedding present (and a rant)

How much do you spend on a wedding present, when the couple are friends?

I'm not talking "long-term, known them for ages", I'm talking "friends who we've known less than a year, but get on well with".

I've already gotten her a shower present, and hubby and I both went on their respective bachelor/bachelorette party a couple of nights ago, as well as paid for new suit/dry cleaning/new shoes etc.

We're going to another wedding in 2 weeks - these people I don't even know, and hubby has never met the wife, and doesn't know the groom super well. The groom is Aussie though, and he has barely any representation from his family, so I think that's partially why we're invited. These guys are just asking for money.

The first wedding I got very annoyed with the gift registry. It's all super fancy stuff that surely they wouldn't use, and it seemed a little over the top. They've asked for 12 x place settings of fine china (cup, saucer, bread and butter plate, dinner plate, salad plate, bowl) which runs between $20-50/piece, as well as 12 place settings of "casual china" which runs around $15-20/piece. I have NO idea why they need 12 place settings of each?? There's also 12 pieces each of (Waterford) wine glasses, champagne flutes and regular glasses, all around $25-30 each. So that's 196 pieces, all around $25/piece - around $5,000 worth of cups, plates and glasses. Crazy. Hardly any has been purchased - does that mean they'll go and buy it all themselves? Get refunds on the few bits they do get and get something more practical? They do NOT have room to be doing any sort of dinner party where you would want 12 settings worth of fine china, and won't have space any time soon. Not only that, but they're not going to have any space to store any of this stuff!

There's so much other stuff on their registry and people have been purchasing the more practical stuff - pots and pans, coffee maker, towels etc. I'm guessing everyone has the same opinion. It seems silly spending $100 to get just 4 wine glasses, or $60 to give them just ONE platter.

I just don't think people are practical when they do wedding gift registry's. I think it's better to get practical things you are actually going to use, rather than 12 place settings worth of fine china AND casual china that you're very rarely going to use. Who needs 12 cereal bowls, 12 pasta bowls and 12 "gourmet" bowls??

I would prefer to give someone money rather than buy what seems like useless gifts.

Ok, rant over...

Originally Posted by sarahp

I would prefer to give someone money rather than buy what seems like useless gifts.

Ok, rant over...

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Are they having "presentation" at the wedding? If they are, I would get them a lovely card and put in some money and give it to them during the presentation at their wedding. They've had showers etc already, no need for more gifts, especially high end stuff like you've listed that they'll probably never use and will sit gathering dust.

Not sure how much you would put into the presentation envelope though. Here it really depends on the cost of the meal and whether there is a cash bar or if drinks are included. The idea of the presentation is to help offset the cost of their ceremony, with hopefully some extra cash left over so that they can use it to help themselves get a start at married life together by maybe paying off some debt, buying things that they may need for their home, or being able to move into a new place together. Presentation here is usually about $100 to $150.00 per person, because the food for banquet meals tend to be about $50.00 per person if not a little more.

We were having a converstation at work recently about how no one ever says YAY! I have a wedding to attend. It's always ugh, another wedding...

My rule of thumb is this. Give a gift or cash equivalent to at least cover the cost of the meal that they are providing you at the reception. There are times that I'll bring a card and my checkbook, figure out how much they've put in on me, and at least return that favor.

I remember at my wedding, my aunt, uncle, 2 cousins and their wives attended. Between all of them, and because it was my second wedding, they gave me a check for $20. I spent $100 a plate on their dinners, then hired a band and DJ to entertain them for the night, which came closer to $150 per person. It just taught me a lesson.

If you aren't that close to the couple, then consider it a night out and what would you spend on a night out?

I LOVE weddings. I don't know what my problem is . Everyone at my work hates to go. As far as the gift, if what they've registered for is too expensive, I either give a gift card or buy something I chose, usually a nice picture frame. One girl I used to work with actually registered for a tent and someone else in the office bought it for her.

I really don't see a problem with people registering for their fine china. In my family it's something you are pretty much expected to have; and it's used. Mainly for holidays and special occasions, but it's used.

That being said; it's not something I would expect just anyone to buy. When DH and I married our parents and our aunts and grandparents purchased pieces for us, we purchased others. I never would have expected any of my guests to go for that sort of thing. We didn't have our full set right away; but as we had some extra money here and there we'd buy a piece.

I think everyone has had good suggestions on how to guide yourself in gifting for that situation. I was invited to a wedding once where the couple had only registered for things at high end stores; so I found something nice that I could afford and sent that. (It was out of town and just after my own wedding so I wasn't attending in person, but it was a family member.)

I actually work at a retail store that does bridal registries.I usually see on an average for a wedding gift if your just a friend and not a family member,people usually spend on average between 30 to 40 dollars on a wedding gift.It is usually the family members that spend more then that.When there is fine china on the registry usually you will see people buy one place setting because of the price.A lot of times you will see someone buy one set at a time of a 4 piece place setting, or one box of of a set of glasses, just to fill the quanity that the bride and groom requested. Fairy_kitten

How are you supposed to know what they spent on the meals?? Do you ask what your meal is worth? I have no idea what's being served, or if alcohol is included I think the reception is being referred to as a cocktail party.

Edit: I think part of the reason it annoys me is because when DH and I got married we said no presents, and asked for (anonymous) donations to a couple of charities that meant a lot to us. The wedding wasn't about presents, and we did not want people to feel compelled to spend money on gifts. I guess I expect the same of others... $5000 worth of dining settings just seems outrageous to me.

Hmmm. A cocktail party is typically finger foods and beverages, not a sit down or buffet type event. And drinks aren't typically sold at cocktail parties.

TBH it might be cheaper for you to buy a gift than it would be to give them money because I suspect that at least $75.00 per person would be about right. That's $150.00 for the 2 of you. You can get them a lovely gift for about $60.00, and you don't necessarily have to stick to what they have registered for. That is just a guideline. Feel free to shop where you want to shop.

If it were me and I didn't really know these people all that well, I'd RSVP back that I was unable to attend due to prior commitments.

I sense that at least one of these invites is about the loot and not so much about the friendship, especially given the fact that it sounds like you are only acquaintances of one of the people getting married.

I had an experience similar with regards to a bridal shower. I had been working for a company for a few weeks and one of the girls, from a different department, who sat with us at breaks, invited me to her daughter's wedding shower!! I barely knew her and I sure didn't know her daughter! I politely declined but she told me that it didn't matter that I didn't know her daughter and that she herself had been to many showers where she was invited and didn't know the couple in question. I didn't go. Later I found out that the couple had 2 bridal showers. Each one of them held in a large hall with about 600 different people attending each one. They got gifts of everything ranging from cash to entire rooms of furniture, large appliances and everything in between. They ended up with enough cash that they were able to put a down payment on a house. The marriage lasted a bit more than 6 months and then they divorced!!

Well, this one happening tomorrow is the one with the outrageous registry, and we already got a present, I just don't know if it's "right".

There is no way I would spend $150 on a present for them. I like them but we've already forked out hundreds for their wedding... I love weddings, but this part of it rubs me the wrong way.

Originally Posted by sarahp

Well, this one happening tomorrow is the one with the outrageous registry, and we already got a present, I just don't know if it's "right".

There is no way I would spend $150 on a present for them. I like them but we've already forked out hundreds for their wedding... I love weddings, but this part of it rubs me the wrong way.

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I don't blame you for not wanting to spend $150.00 on them. So far as what you bought, remember, it's the thought that counts. You aren't obligated to get them anything. It's a gift. I'm thinking you got them something that had some thought behind it and it's probably something that they will actually use, unlike some of the things that they probably had on their registry list.

So go and enjoy the night and don't worry about it

Originally Posted by sarahp

I just don't think people are practical when they do wedding gift registry's. I think it's better to get practical things you are actually going to use, rather than 12 place settings worth of fine china AND casual china that you're very rarely going to use. Who needs 12 cereal bowls, 12 pasta bowls and 12 "gourmet" bowls??

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It almost seems these people are trying to get gifts from the attendees that they would never actually spend that amount of money on themselves. Maybe you should flabbergast them a bit by getting something exciting they could use on the honeymoon instead

We rarely give the couple what's on their list. Most things are beyond our budget!

We give what we feel we can afford at the time - usually around $25 - $50 (in a check). We also have been giving a copy (framed) of our "Marriage Rules" that hubby and I made up for ourselves before we got married.

I've shared these Rules with online friends, and relatives and everyone seems to appreciate them. BTW we've been married 7 yrs now and none of our Rules have been broken

Why are guests expected to pay for the wedding? I thought the bridal couple/family were hosts and therefore responsible for the costs incurred.

Originally Posted by sarahp

How are you supposed to know what they spent on the meals?? Do you ask what your meal is worth? .

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This is what gets me with the "cover your plate" theory. How do you know how much they spent? They may have gotten a super deal because a friend or relative is in the business and so the couple/family spent mere pennies.

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

We rarely give the couple what's on their list. Most things are beyond our budget!

We give what we feel we can afford at the time - usually around $25 - $50 (in a check). We also have been giving a copy (framed) of our "Marriage Rules" that hubby and I made up for ourselves before we got married.

I've shared these Rules with online friends, and relatives and everyone seems to appreciate them. BTW we've been married 7 yrs now and none of our Rules have been broken

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This is what I think wedding guests should do. Give what they can afford.

If you want to "cover your plate", go ahead. Just don't feel obligated.

And if planning a wedding, host what you can afford and don't expect others to pay for the big shindig you think you have to have.

Originally Posted by gemlady

Why are guests expected to pay for the wedding? I thought the bridal couple/family were hosts and therefore responsible for the costs incurred.

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I was the one that brought that up. Maybe it's just different customs in different areas. I've attended weddings in big cities and small towns in probably 10 states and the customs about gifting do vary quite a bit. I read an story about gifting (probably Dear Abbey) one time and that was the recommendation - cover your cost at the wedding.

When I married, my dad was deceased and mom was retired, so we paid for it. Customs on who pays haven't always follow traditional lines for a while now.

And Sarah - you asked how would you know what they paid for dinner? If you are being served a 6 course sit down filet mignon dinner, a full open top shelf bar for 6 hours, and hired entertainment at a fancy restaurant, you know it has cost a lot more than a cocktail party at the local VFW hall.

We were married 2yrs ago, and on our registry were items that were $10 and items that were $100 (appliance type). We deliberately picked difference price ranges because people came from every walk of life. We were registered at Walmart and Canadian Tire... aside from that we asked for gift cards.

People who gave us money, on average gave $50 which we were quite happy with

It was hard for us to register because I have been living on my own since 17, so I had all the stuff you need.... I don't do "fancy china", I find it ridiculous to tell you the truth.... My registry was cleared out for my shower LOL. There was only a little bit left for people to buy at our wedding... I'm trying to think of the presents we got at the wedding: a torque wrench for one, framed picture, and a couple other things. The rest was money/gift cards.

Originally Posted by Momofmany

you asked how would you know what they paid for dinner? If you are being served a 6 course sit down filet mignon dinner, a full open top shelf bar for 6 hours, and hired entertainment at a fancy restaurant, you know it has cost a lot more than a cocktail party at the local VFW hall.

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If someone has the means to throw such a fancy reception more power to them, but why in the world should someone be EXPECTED to cover that cost? Not everyone can afford that, and to think them rude or improper for not shelling out $150 or whatever is to me rude.

I completly agree with gemlady when she said
"Why are guests expected to pay for the wedding? I thought the bridal couple/family were hosts and therefore responsible for the costs incurred."

Call me unromantic, but I'm no fan of expensive weddings to start out with. When we DO go, we are "stick-in-the-muds" who either give them a check or a practical gift. Yeah, it would be great to give them a $200 frying pan, but a $20 will do just as well. One thing I keep my eye out for is sets of silverware on e-bay. You can get a nice set for less than $100, if you're careful, and it's something that a bride may well keep for many years and be proud of it.

Here's an 8-place setting of Rogers silver, in the presentation box, missing one knife, for $25 right now!

Wm. A. Rogers

On our registry, there were many different items that ranged from a few dollars to a few hundred dollars. We registered for a set of dishes and never thought we would get them because they were $160 but we actually got 3 sets of them.

For money gifts, we got anything from $40 to $1,000. The average was $150. People were very generous at our wedding and we did not expect anything like that. My husbands moms friend wanted to give us $5,000 but his mom said do not give them that and she ended up giving $500.

Originally Posted by gemlady

Why are guests expected to pay for the wedding? I thought the bridal couple/family were hosts and therefore responsible for the costs incurred.

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I agree! If this is the rule. Save yourself some money and don't invite me.

This is one reason that I don't like being invited to weddings. I never know what is an acceptable amount for the "wedding gift".

More often than not if the person is someone close I've already spent too much on the shower gift. Then there is all the other associated stuff like clothes and travel to get to the wedding. This leaves me with not much left.

I don't really like weddings to begin with. I went to one that was in the middle of August, it was in the 90's and we had to hike out to the middle of a field for an outdoor ceremony. Then drive back to town for the reception. Needless to say I was not a happy guest.

I think they should have paid me for attending.