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Thoughts or advice...

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Okay, so this is a bit of an odd thing I've been dwelling on lately.

I'm friends with a number of my work colleagues outside of work. About a year back, one of these friends (I'll call her J) did something I found really hurtfull - basically threw me and two of our other friends under the bus to try and get a position at work that she wasn't qualified for...it didn't work and she ended up basically being black-balled by management for the attempt. Since we still work together, I really pulled back from the firendship, but kept up civilities at work. J really doesn't see anything wrong with what she did and I figured I couldn't change her so was just making the best of the situation since we stil had to work togeher, but I stopped going to anything with her outside of work.

Fast forward to now and J's just gotten back from Maternity leave. I'm happy for her, since she was really excited about the baby, and congratulated her. Now heres my dilemma. I usually make gifts for any and all of my friends who have babies. All of my colleagus who've had children since I worked with them had baby blankets or sweaters. I custom made a set of curtains as a housewarming gift for my supervisor (she picked the fabric) and just finished an anniversary quilt for another friend. I've not made a present for J and I don't really intend to.

While I'm not really angry over last year's incident anymore, I just don't really consider her a friend and definately not one I'd hand-make something for. I'll buy something little as a congratulations, but she'll be the only person at work who I didn't make something for and for some reason I feel odd about that. Not guilty, just a little sad. My husband thinks I'm just feeling sad over the loss of the friendship. What do you guys think?

Sorry for the vent, I've just been stewing a bit and thought it might help to get this out.
post #2 of 16
Life is too short to hold grudges. IMHO there comes a time where you just need to let things go and move on.

If you don't want to be friends with her outside of work, that's entirely up to you. However, you still work together and are colleagues. Obviously you have made things for people at work that you are not friends with outside of work, so why not her too?

This discord you have been feeling has been going on over a year. I think it's time you let it go
post #3 of 16
Honestly, if you've made things for other co-workers that you weren't friends with outside of work, but don't make something for her that would be bad. I can understand not wanting to put a lot of time and care into in after what she did, but is there anything that you made that you can just finish to give her?

You say you're not angry but I think you still are. And sometimes hurt takes time to heal. You don't have to be her friend...but, I do think you should give her something if you gave everyone else something in the past.
post #4 of 16
Yes she may have made things for her other co-workers that she wasn't friends with outside of work, but those people didn't screw her over in order to try and get an advancement in their job.

IMO, don't waste your time and energy on somebody who doesn't even think it's wrong to step all over you (a friend) in order to get a promotion. There are more deserving people in this world.

If you feel you must get her a gift, then buy her something from the store, but I definately wouldn't waste your time making something that is supposed to come from the heart.
post #5 of 16
Just go with how you feel, I think the best gifts are the ones who are given from the heart. I think that hand making something requires a special connection with someone, while you make it you are thinking warm thoughts for this person and you feel happy when the person receives it because of all the effort you put into it..If you go out of your way and try to force yourself to hand make a gift for J while you're not really feeling up to it, it would not be the same and will be sort of an exaggerated gift if you know what I'm trying to say...Why force yourself to be extra nice and gentle towards someone if you don't feel it? I don't think you need to feel guilty for not hand making something and you should stay true to how you feel about J and act according to your emotions. If you don't feel like there is a friendship between the two of you, then the best thing to do is just give her something conventional to stay true to proper etiquette of gift giving.
post #6 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Freya View Post
I just don't really consider her a friend and definately not one I'd hand-make something for. I'll buy something little as a congratulations, but she'll be the only person at work who I didn't make something for and for some reason I feel odd about that. Not guilty, just a little sad. My husband thinks I'm just feeling sad over the loss of the friendship. What do you guys think?

Sorry for the vent, I've just been stewing a bit and thought it might help to get this out.
The first line in the above paragraph does it for me. If you wouldn't class her as a friend, then I would not make her anything.

Of course you feel odd about it..... it is your habit to make gifts for others whom are deserving of them. J is not.

If you feel the need to buy her a little something, then go for it.
post #7 of 16
It may seem as though she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did (she may even have said as much), but perhaps she's simply unable to address an uncomfortable, awkward situation that she has forced herself and others to endure every day.

Today may be the day that guilt and accountability surfaces within her, and she addresses the situation in a different light with you; or maybe it's tomorrow, or next week. Or maybe it's after getting an unexpected homemade gift from you, since all the while, she's also been mourning the loss of friendship.

Or perhaps not at all. But it doesn't hurt to assume the best in people, in these instances. I have the suspicion that you're also thinking along those lines, and consider making her a gift as the upstanding thing to do, in light of giving benefit of the doubt, or perhaps even being a catalyst for change.
post #8 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nekomania View Post
Yes she may have made things for her other co-workers that she wasn't friends with outside of work, but those people didn't screw her over in order to try and get an advancement in their job.

IMO, don't waste your time and energy on somebody who doesn't even think it's wrong to step all over you (a friend) in order to get a promotion. There are more deserving people in this world.

If you feel you must get her a gift, then buy her something from the store, but I definately wouldn't waste your time making something that is supposed to come from the heart.
I have to agree here, you should not feel an obligation to do something for anyone that you don't want to
post #9 of 16
Obviously you`re feeling a little guilty about not giving her anything.

Why don`t you whip up a pair of baby slippers & toss it in with a bottle?
(not sure if you just sew or knit/crochet)

Baby slippers are super easy & don`t take any time so you can make her something with out the time investment of a sweater or blanket.
post #10 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone fr the advice. You've all given me some things to think about. Still not sure what exactly I'll do, but at least I have a few clearer thoughts now.
post #11 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
I have to agree here, you should not feel an obligation to do something for anyone that you don't want to
Agreed. You should never feel obligated to someone. Buy something small and inexpensive if you feel uncomfortable... I wouldn't put so much effort into someone not deserving.
post #12 of 16
I would not go out of my way and make her something, in your heart you don't feel that way so just go out and buy a baby gift and not to expensive. She hurt you, that doesn't go away. You can no longer trust her.
post #13 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nekomania View Post
Yes she may have made things for her other co-workers that she wasn't friends with outside of work, but those people didn't screw her over in order to try and get an advancement in their job.

IMO, don't waste your time and energy on somebody who doesn't even think it's wrong to step all over you (a friend) in order to get a promotion. There are more deserving people in this world.

If you feel you must get her a gift, then buy her something from the store, but I definately wouldn't waste your time making something that is supposed to come from the heart.
At this point in my life I've come to the conclusion that my time and energy are going to be spent on the people in my life who love and care for me - I don't have time for back-stabbers and that is what J is. I personally would buy a small inexpensive gift and that would be the end of it for me.
post #14 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
At this point in my life I've come to the conclusion that my time and energy are going to be spent on the people in my life who love and care for me - I don't have time for back-stabbers and that is what J is. I personally would buy a small inexpensive gift and that would be the end of it for me.
I agree!
It's not in any way petty or grudging of you to not wish to make her anything. Handmade gifts are special and take a lot of effort, and should be given accordingly. A nice store-bought something is appropriate IMHO and if J has a problem with that, maybe it's time she woke up and realized that her behaviour has consequences and there's good reason you're not friends anymore.
post #15 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
At this point in my life I've come to the conclusion that my time and energy are going to be spent on the people in my life who love and care for me - I don't have time for back-stabbers and that is what J is. I personally would buy a small inexpensive gift and that would be the end of it for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pushylady View Post
I agree!
It's not in any way petty or grudging of you to not wish to make her anything. Handmade gifts are special and take a lot of effort, and should be given accordingly. A nice store-bought something is appropriate IMHO and if J has a problem with that, maybe it's time she woke up and realized that her behaviour has consequences and there's good reason you're not friends anymore.
Hear! Hear! I can understand you wanting to give some gift, because you always have before, but that does not mean you have to give the same kind of gift you've given before, because the relationship is different. Hand-made things are for people who are special to us. In J's case, it is just a social nicety, and there's no need to put that much of yourself into it.
post #16 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
At this point in my life I've come to the conclusion that my time and energy are going to be spent on the people in my life who love and care for me - I don't have time for back-stabbers and that is what J is. I personally would buy a small inexpensive gift and that would be the end of it for me.

Don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to... Gifts are special because of the feelings they carry through... because they come from the heart... If you don't feel it, don't do it.
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