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How do YOU define "friendship"? (rant/long)

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
I am really hurting right now. Someone I had been friends with for 8 years just DUMPED me for no reason. I have no clue what happened. I have asked a couple of times and I get lame-o responses.

Now understand that this person, Christina, and I have been through a lot together. I considered her one of my best and dearest friends, as well as a colleague and a little sister of sorts. When she had no place to go on NYE, I would invite her over.

I made her first trip to NYC possible. She was afraid to go there and I was her enabler and tour guide. We stayed for FREE in my brother's city studio apt. That was the third week of Feb... Afterwards, there were a few emails back and forth. Then... I noticed she stopped answering my emails. Silence. Crickets chirping.... I called in April. Veeerryyy uncomfortable convo. I could tell she really didn't want to be on the phone with me.

Fast forward - we always celebrated each other's birthdays!! Dinner, funny cards, etc. For my 50th????? NOTHING. Nada. Zilch. Oh, a happy bday mention on my facebook page that I didn't even see until earlier this week.

I am not stupid. I know when I am being shunned. I wrote her this note, titled can we talk?:

My 50th birthday came and went. No word from you. I haven't seen you or hardly spoken to you in months - since the trip to NY. I asked a while back if I said or did something to offend you and you said no. But it seems that this friendship of nearly 8 years is over on your part. This makes me very sad. I don't just think of you as a friend and a colleague, but as a little sister. So cutting me off without so much as an explanation is very confusing to me. If you wanted to hurt my feelings, congrats - you did a great job.

If you don't wish to be connected or in touch with me anymore, that's ok. That is your perogative. I just would like to understand why. And if that is your decision, I ask one small favor from one professional to another. We worked together all those years and I think it was a good working relationship. Would you please write me a letter of recommendation/reference? You can send it to my mom's house. That way, I won't have any possible clients or employers bother you.

So, if you truly have pulled the plug, please do me this one last thing. I wish you well in your life and all your future endeavors.

Adrien


This is the lame-o response that I got from someone who cried on my shoulder, got lots of bucking up from me and she supported me with laughter and stories, etc.

Hi Adrien,

To be honest, I have been expecting your letter. I just needed a break this spring from things, to get perspective, that's why you haven't heard from me. I’ve come to realize that we have grown apart and look at life from different angles. So I think it is indeed time to say goodbye. No, you didn’t "do" anything. Its just time.

I appreciate everything and would be happy to remain a professional reference for you. You do very good work and I stand behind the recommendation I posted on Linked In.

I wish you the best in everything,
Christina


This is so sad and hurtful. This is someone I really cared about and thought of highly. This is someone I thought I would be friends with for the rest of my lifetime. I don't make friends easily and we had so many things in common that none of this makes sense. I guess I am passe for her. There is the age difference - about 17 years my junior. But, so what?

She remains friends with people who just use her. Old college chums where there are bad habits and patterns. I never did that to her. I guess being used feels normal to her.

I just had to get this off my chest. I don't take these kinds of things very well. I am a very giving, caring person.

You know, sometimes, people just plain out and out SUCK!

If you actually got to the very end of this, thank you so much for reading.

Honestly, I feel like crying.
post #2 of 23
Just ignore people like that.
My Ex best friend was Maid of Honor at my wedding and now we are no longer friends.
It is a real stupid reason.
post #3 of 23
People change, all you can do is take life in stride - and move on.

I had a best friend - we now no longer speak (even when we see each other).
post #4 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by white cat lover View Post
People change, all you can do is take life in stride - and move on.

I had a best friend - we now no longer speak (even when we see each other).
I have had friends for 20 years... and more. I do understand people change and move on. My best friend from grade school and I drifted apart in high school.... etc. But this is just rude on her part. I think she's a little s**t for handling it and me like thihs.
post #5 of 23
I would think that she has other life stuff going on with her. I tell my self to never have expectations, that is a sure way to be dissapoinated.
post #6 of 23

AddieBee,
More and more I am coming to the conclusion that true friends are those we make when we are children, and remain in our lives through everything, thick and thin.
In that sense, I do have one TRUE Lifetime best friend, that has been my best friend since we were 9. At this point, I know for a fact that no matter what we go through, we will always be great friends. Besides her, her sisters...
My friends in the US (my brasilian friends are childhood friends), coworkers, and other friends I made as adults, can leave my life in what would be a surprising manner, but it just doesn't surprise me anymore... I know that. People do grow in separate ways...
Again, IMO, you don't know people unless you know them from childhood. One example was a "friendship" I made recently. It ended up with me finding out that this person was not only toxic, but was also drawing conclusions about me that in my view only a disturbed mind could draw... Well.... since we can't control what others think or feel about us, I made sure this person was once and for all out of my life, and I feel so much better now that I don't wonder the reasons for what happened; I just don't think about it/her anymore...
The reason I am giving you this example, is to say that maybe you are better off without her in your life... My motto is to stick with the people who love and value you for what you are - the rest... oh well... People have the right to be who they are, but luckily we do have the choice of letting them go or not...
I am not saying at all she is a bad person, but by her response, she doesn't want to be friends with you right now... on her mind she has her reasons, and she does have the right to choose her friends, and to give you whatever explanation she wants to give... You can't, and shouldn't ask for more, IMO.
One thing I noticed on both your emails about this friend and your family on your 50th birthday, is that you are keeping score of the things you do for others... I believe that we should do for the others without expecting anything back.... for one thing, this prevents us from getting hurt - no expectations, no disappointments.
post #7 of 23
Can´t believe......
But White-Cat-Lover is right...
Don´t paid attention anymore and turn the page...

TCS is always for you!....
post #8 of 23
I can kind of understand what you're going thru, Addie. I do not have close friends, per se. Well, I do have one and I met her on TCS but as a rule, I hold people at an arm's length because I have been hurt/dumped so many times. At the same time, this does prevent me from making any friends, the old vicious cycle

I am the type of person who will go to the end of the earth for my friends, but at the same time I tell people what I think and most folks can't handle hearing things that they don't want to admit are true. For example, I lost a very good friend because I told her the guy she dating was not good for her and too controling. Well, she picked the guy over me I was very hurt, but then I decided that I didn't want someone in my life like that, cause whether it was this guy or the next, the same thing would probably happen.

Real friends stay friends thru all the changes life brings us, and if this friend of yours was not willing to be your friend for better or worse, then, IMO, she was not a very good friend
post #9 of 23
Oh honey . It's one thing to drift apart over the years, but for all this to happen in a matter of months is just strange. In her reply she mentioned taking a break to get perspective. That may or may not be refering to you only. It sounds like she may have some major life issues/decisions going on and your relationship may have just gotten caught up in the storm. I know that doesn't help you any and I hurt for you.

The thing is, you can't force her to change her mind. I think you handled the situation with tact and dignity. If she's in a wierd state of mind right now, you don't need her in your life.

Sometimes I think losing a best friend for whatever reason leaves a bigger hole in the heart than losing a boyfriend.
post #10 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by white cat lover View Post
People change, all you can do is take life in stride - and move on.

I had a best friend - we now no longer speak (even when we see each other).
Well said!

The same thing happened to me last year. She just quit answering my calls,etc. At first I thought I was going to DIE without her, and well we have not talked since March of last year, and I am still alive... She is remarried now and acts like a total different person-owell...
post #11 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by carolinalima View Post

AddieBee,
More and more I am coming to the conclusion that true friends are those we make when we are children, and remain in our lives through everything, thick and thin.
In that sense, I do have one TRUE Lifetime best friend, that has been my best friend since we were 9. At this point, I know for a fact that no matter what we go through, we will always be great friends. Besides her, her sisters...
My friends in the US (my brasilian friends are childhood friends), coworkers, and other friends I made as adults, can leave my life in what would be a surprising manner, but it just doesn't surprise me anymore... I know that. People do grow in separate ways...
Again, IMO, you don't know people unless you know them from childhood. One example was a "friendship" I made recently. It ended up with me finding out that this person was not only toxic, but was also drawing conclusions about me that in my view only a disturbed mind could draw... Well.... since we can't control what others think or feel about us, I made sure this person was once and for all out of my life, and I feel so much better now that I don't wonder the reasons for what happened; I just don't think about it/her anymore...
The reason I am giving you this example, is to say that maybe you are better off without her in your life... My motto is to stick with the people who love and value you for what you are - the rest... oh well... People have the right to be who they are, but luckily we do have the choice of letting them go or not...
I am not saying at all she is a bad person, but by her response, she doesn't want to be friends with you right now... on her mind she has her reasons, and she does have the right to choose her friends, and to give you whatever explanation she wants to give... You can't, and shouldn't ask for more, IMO.
One thing I noticed on both your emails about this friend and your family on your 50th birthday, is that you are keeping score of the things you do for others... I believe that we should do for the others without expecting anything back.... for one thing, this prevents us from getting hurt - no expectations, no disappointments.
I just had to answer you about keeping score. I don't keep score. But it hurts me that I give and give to people who are important to me and those people who SHOULD value me and my efforts, frequently only provide lip service. So I have decided that even my brother and sister do NOT deserve the kind of person I am and I will throttle back. It is hard to break a lifetime's habit.

I agree with other posters that this woman must be going through a weird time in her life - she does have serious emotional issues - apparently my brand of friendship is no longer to her liking. Allow me to mourn the loss of something that I THOUGHT I had.
post #12 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
I just had to answer you about keeping score. I don't keep score. But it hurts me that I give and give to people who are important to me and those people who SHOULD value me and my efforts, frequently only provide lip service. So I have decided that even my brother and sister do NOT deserve the kind of person I am and I will throttle back. It is hard to break a lifetime's habit.

I agree with other posters that this woman must be going through a weird time in her life - she does have serious emotional issues - apparently my brand of friendship is no longer to her liking. Allow me to mourn the loss of something that I THOUGHT I had.
Hi AddieBee... It is very hard indeed....
I hope it is not hurting too much, and if it is, that you get batter soon... It is so hard to try to understand what's on people's mind... Have a wonderful weekend Addie, and I am sure there are plenty of people out there who DO love and value you and your efforts - I hope they shower you with love even more while you are going through this. And if they are too far to give you hugs, there are plenty of kitties who will be happy to cuddle and love you unconditionally!
post #13 of 23
I feel very bad for you and you certainly don't deserve this. Altho I don't know you, you seem to be a very nice person and your friend of so many years doesn't deserve you at all. I know this must hurt deeply, I know I would be very hurt also. I have been hurt by men in my life but never a woman and sometimes that hurts even more.

I hope you will get over your sadness soon, at least now you know where you stand with her and can just put her in your past.
post #14 of 23
Wow, that is a hard thing to read. I would be so hurt as well. What a strange thing to write off a friendship like that.

It's true people do grow apart..but to actually "say goodbye" to me is overkill.

I'm sorry At least you have us
post #15 of 23
I agree with TroutsMom - to actually officially end a friendship like that seems so weird. I can understand simply drifting apart, not having much to do with each other anymore, but to end a friendship (unless there was some kind of incident, breach of trust etc) just seems very grade schoolish to me!
I'm sorry she did this to you.
post #16 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
I am really hurting right now. Someone I had been friends with for 8 years just DUMPED me for no reason. I have no clue what happened. I have asked a couple of times and I get lame-o responses.

Now understand that this person, Christina, and I have been through a lot together. I considered her one of my best and dearest friends, as well as a colleague and a little sister of sorts. When she had no place to go on NYE, I would invite her over.

I made her first trip to NYC possible. She was afraid to go there and I was her enabler and tour guide. We stayed for FREE in my brother's city studio apt. That was the third week of Feb... Afterwards, there were a few emails back and forth. Then... I noticed she stopped answering my emails. Silence. Crickets chirping.... I called in April. Veeerryyy uncomfortable convo. I could tell she really didn't want to be on the phone with me.

Fast forward - we always celebrated each other's birthdays!! Dinner, funny cards, etc. For my 50th????? NOTHING. Nada. Zilch. Oh, a happy bday mention on my facebook page that I didn't even see until earlier this week.

I am not stupid. I know when I am being shunned. I wrote her this note, titled can we talk?:

My 50th birthday came and went. No word from you. I haven't seen you or hardly spoken to you in months - since the trip to NY. I asked a while back if I said or did something to offend you and you said no. But it seems that this friendship of nearly 8 years is over on your part. This makes me very sad. I don't just think of you as a friend and a colleague, but as a little sister. So cutting me off without so much as an explanation is very confusing to me. If you wanted to hurt my feelings, congrats - you did a great job.

If you don't wish to be connected or in touch with me anymore, that's ok. That is your perogative. I just would like to understand why. And if that is your decision, I ask one small favor from one professional to another. We worked together all those years and I think it was a good working relationship. Would you please write me a letter of recommendation/reference? You can send it to my mom's house. That way, I won't have any possible clients or employers bother you.

So, if you truly have pulled the plug, please do me this one last thing. I wish you well in your life and all your future endeavors.

Adrien


This is the lame-o response that I got from someone who cried on my shoulder, got lots of bucking up from me and she supported me with laughter and stories, etc.

Hi Adrien,

To be honest, I have been expecting your letter. I just needed a break this spring from things, to get perspective, that's why you haven't heard from me. I’ve come to realize that we have grown apart and look at life from different angles. So I think it is indeed time to say goodbye. No, you didn’t "do" anything. Its just time.

I appreciate everything and would be happy to remain a professional reference for you. You do very good work and I stand behind the recommendation I posted on Linked In.

I wish you the best in everything,
Christina


This is so sad and hurtful. This is someone I really cared about and thought of highly. This is someone I thought I would be friends with for the rest of my lifetime. I don't make friends easily and we had so many things in common that none of this makes sense. I guess I am passe for her. There is the age difference - about 17 years my junior. But, so what?

She remains friends with people who just use her. Old college chums where there are bad habits and patterns. I never did that to her. I guess being used feels normal to her.

I just had to get this off my chest. I don't take these kinds of things very well. I am a very giving, caring person.

You know, sometimes, people just plain out and out SUCK!

If you actually got to the very end of this, thank you so much for reading.

Honestly, I feel like crying.
You are hurt by your friend's behavior, and with reason. But, (I always have a but) I don't know things from her perspective.
Friends that take on the big sister, or the mother role in a friendship are like your own real family in that respect. Sometimes, though despite the best intentions of the one in the role of "proctector" the other has to try to find their own way. This will hurt the other, especially if you have put so much into this friendship with helping them.
Her responce was curt, but maybe that was becuse she could not phrase it better. It did not seem hurtful to me as an observer, at a distance from the situation.
I will tell you, I have been best friends with my best friend since we were 5 years old, we are now 42, fast approaching 43. We have gone though so much, many phases, screaming tantrums at eachother (as adults) best left to children, and yes, telling eachother we do not want to be friends anymore, official. 2 years was the longest we went not talking. We let eachother be during these times, as much as it hurt, but we are still best friends now to this day, stronger friends for going through the hard times.
Let her have her time, dont hate her too much if you really care about her. She will come back to being your friend.
post #17 of 23
[quote=AddieBee;2684755]I just had to answer you about keeping score. I don't keep score. But it hurts me that I give and give to people who are important to me and those people who SHOULD value me and my efforts, frequently only provide lip service. So I have decided that even my brother and sister do NOT deserve the kind of person I am and I will throttle back. It is hard to break a lifetime's habit.
[quote]

Honey, don't change who you are. Your heart is what makes you YOU. We've seen it here on line, and you don't even really know us. You've supported so many of us, and it hurts me to see you go through this.

Some people may not be deserving of the energy, love, supprot that you give to them...so direct it towards someone or something else. The people that have let you down in the past don't realize the gift that they've been given. Maybe they will in time. Time is a wonderful thing and who knows what will happen. I'm sure you know that.
post #18 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trillcat View Post
You are hurt by your friend's behavior, and with reason. But, (I always have a but) I don't know things from her perspective.
Friends that take on the big sister, or the mother role in a friendship are like your own real family in that respect. Sometimes, though despite the best intentions of the one in the role of "proctector" the other has to try to find their own way. This will hurt the other, especially if you have put so much into this friendship with helping them.
Her responce was curt, but maybe that was becuse she could not phrase it better. It did not seem hurtful to me as an observer, at a distance from the situation.
I will tell you, I have been best friends with my best friend since we were 5 years old, we are now 42, fast approaching 43. We have gone though so much, many phases, screaming tantrums at eachother (as adults) best left to children, and yes, telling eachother we do not want to be friends anymore, official. 2 years was the longest we went not talking. We let eachother be during these times, as much as it hurt, but we are still best friends now to this day, stronger friends for going through the hard times.
Let her have her time, dont hate her too much if you really care about her. She will come back to being your friend.
When I say little sister, I am mostly referring to the age difference. She and I were good pals. And frankly, I don't want her back. I agree that her answer was curt - she and I are both professional writers. So use of words mean a lot to both of us. She chose what she said very carefully - it took her two or three days to respond which means she thought about this. A nasty fight or dispute I could understand, but just deciding to pull the plug and dump someone? ( Oh well, we are just not compatible anymore- Poof.). It is a bunch of baloney. Hey, if she had been thinking about this for a while, she certainly didn't say NO to a trip to NYC!


Like I said in the original post, at least one of these college chums plays her for a fool all of the time; another uses her as a free babysitter.

I have to wonder if she just found other, more "cool" people to hang with who are probably using her, as well. She has always wanted to be "cool." It seems from her Facebook page that that is the case. It is juvenile behavior. It is like she is trying to recapture her teenage life. And she will be 34 years old. Oh, well. Her problem.
post #19 of 23
Thread Starter 
[quote=calico2222;2685000][quote=AddieBee;2684755]I just had to answer you about keeping score. I don't keep score. But it hurts me that I give and give to people who are important to me and those people who SHOULD value me and my efforts, frequently only provide lip service. So I have decided that even my brother and sister do NOT deserve the kind of person I am and I will throttle back. It is hard to break a lifetime's habit.
Quote:

Honey, don't change who you are. Your heart is what makes you YOU. We've seen it here on line, and you don't even really know us. You've supported so many of us, and it hurts me to see you go through this.

Some people may not be deserving of the energy, love, supprot that you give to them...so direct it towards someone or something else. The people that have let you down in the past don't realize the gift that they've been given. Maybe they will in time. Time is a wonderful thing and who knows what will happen. I'm sure you know that.
Thank you, that was very sweet of you to say that!
post #20 of 23
And nothings happend during your friendship to make her want to end it like that?. It just seems odd to cut ties like she has for no reason?. But, people do change, and they do move one, but what Katie said below is very true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
Real friends stay friends thru all the changes life brings us, and if this friend of yours was not willing to be your friend for better or worse
Don't be bitter though, because you still have some good memories with her
post #21 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
And nothings happend during your friendship to make her want to end it like that?. It just seems odd to cut ties like she has for no reason?. But, people do change, and they do move one, but what Katie said below is very true.


Don't be bitter though, because you still have some good memories with her
No reason - I really think she feels she has found more hip and cool people to hang with and I am dealing with things in my life that have no relation to hers... or so she thinks. This is a guess on my part. I would never have figured her to be so shallow. OR I did say or do something that really crushed the relationship w/o knowing and she is too chicken to talk to me about it and would rather just dump than discuss. This also goes with her personality. But as I said, she is very forgiving of other people in her life who have treated her like crap, so I guess I don't rate. Which is why I would never let her back into my life.
post #22 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
When I say little sister, I am mostly referring to the age difference. She and I were good pals. And frankly, I don't want her back. I agree that her answer was curt - she and I are both professional writers. So use of words mean a lot to both of us. She chose what she said very carefully - it took her two or three days to respond which means she thought about this. A nasty fight or dispute I could understand, but just deciding to pull the plug and dump someone? ( Oh well, we are just not compatible anymore- Poof.). It is a bunch of baloney. Hey, if she had been thinking about this for a while, she certainly didn't say NO to a trip to NYC!


Like I said in the original post, at least one of these college chums plays her for a fool all of the time; another uses her as a free babysitter.

I have to wonder if she just found other, more "cool" people to hang with who are probably using her, as well. She has always wanted to be "cool." It seems from her Facebook page that that is the case. It is juvenile behavior. It is like she is trying to recapture her teenage life. And she will be 34 years old. Oh, well. Her problem.
Dont be so mad. People go thought this stuff!
She will figure out people are using her, nothing you can do about that now. Bird has to fly, or fall.
I hope you will still be there for her when she realizes she fell, and help.
post #23 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
No reason - I really think she feels she has found more hip and cool people to hang with
I've got two sets of close friends who i go out with, including Fiona who's a good friend and member here who also lives beside me. All of them are different, but i could never drop one if them because of that if that's her reason
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