Well, He Did it Again! :( (sorry, long)

libby74

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 21, 2006
Messages
6,217
Purraise
18
Location
Illinois
Last spring I posted a question, asking if I was being unreasonable about DH's repeated vacation trips to Florida with his Mom and step-Dad. I hate to travel, so have no desire to go and wouldn't go with his folks if you paid me. He and DD have gone with them in 2001, '02, '04, and '06. I flat out told him there wouldn't be anymore trips unless he had the cash to pay for them. DD had a talk with her Dad this spring about vacation; she was going to sign up for a few summer classes at our community college, so there wasn't going to be a trip to Florida this year.
Fast forward to July 5th. DH goes to work and leaves a note for me saying, "I told Mom yes, I'll go." I had no idea what he meant, so when I went to have lunch with him I asked him about it. Apparently, his Mom had been on him for weeks about driving them to Florida again and he'd finally "caved in"
on July 3rd. Then it took him 2 days to tell me about it, and he didn't even tell me to my face! I asked him if he had enough to pay for it; he said yes, and that his folks would take their car, pay for the gas, and for the rooms. I said, "What about R? (DD) She's not out of school yet." He told me she wasn't going, that his Mom was taking her other son instead. I asked if DD knew she wasn't invited? Well, no, he hadn't told her yet.
To say I was livid is putting it mildly. I've told DH for years---I don't care if you go as long as you have the cash; just don't let me be the last to know what's going on. Then, to decide to take this trip without our daughter!? I immediately got hold of her and asked how hard it would be for her to finish her college classes so she could go. To say she was upset is an understatement. She couldn't believe her Dad would plan a trip that didn't include her. I believe she was just as mad as I was. When she got off work that night she actually stopped by her grandmother's house and gave her hell! By the time she got home she was so mad she was literally shaking!
She managed to work things out with her teachers, knuckled down and finished 7 math chapters and took 3 tests in less than 2 weeks. Of all the players in this stupid little drama, DD is the only one that showed any maturity. I was extremely proud of her.
Fast forward again, this time to July 19th. I've packed everything, made sure both DH & DD were set for 2 weeks away from home. His folks pull up outside, DH hugs me then says, "Can I have the credit card just in case?" If looks could kill, he wouldn't be in Florida right now. Did I give it to him? Yes. Am I totally ticked off? You betcha. Then he rushed out the door so quickly he didn't even say goodbye. And as a final insult, he took all the spending money that was supposed to last me for another week!

I always have some extra cash stashed around the house, but geez, he could have told me!
I honestly don't know if I'm more angry or hurt by ths whole mess. One minute I'm crying and the next minute I could just slap DH's face. I mentioned DD was the only one that was showing any maturity. She calls me a couple of time a day to make sure I'm ok; she told me that one day she actually took her Dad's wallet away from him to stop him from blowing any more money than he already had! That's my girl! Plus, today is her 20th birthday and it's another birthday that I've missed.
I really don't know what I expect anyone to tell me. I know DH is being selfish and inconsiderate. I'm so mad at his Mom for putting all this in motion that I can't stand it. I honestly think I just needed to vent to people who aren't involved in the situation. I'm afraid, tho, that I've lost a whole lot of respect for DH at this point. I can't believe he'd think it was ok to go off and leave DD behind. From what DD has said over the past few days, everyone has been sniping at each other, and you know what? I'm glad to hear it.
 

yosemite

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Apr 26, 2001
Messages
23,313
Purraise
81
Location
Ingersoll, ON
You're a better woman than I am. I would never have given him the credit card and would probably have asked the bank to not allow any debit transactions on his debit card if he had one. If his mother is so adamant that he go with her, let her pay his expenses.


His actions show a total lack of respect, love or appreciation of you or your daughter. Getting angry doesn't hurt anyone but you. He's still on vacation and blowing money so isn't particularly worried about you being upset IMO.

I certainly don't advocate leaving him, but I would rethink what kind of future and old age we would have together and honestly, at the age of 62, I don't want or need that kind of stress in my life and I would be on my own.
 

pookie-poo

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 14, 2007
Messages
3,911
Purraise
6
Location
Middle-Of-No-Where Michigan
I have no tolerance for that kind of selfish and disrespectful behavior. I would utilize the time that he's away, to pack his stuff, and have it waiting for his return. Tell him that he's obviously made his choice between his parents and you. Have the locks changed and boot his butt to the curb. Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap......and it sounds like you've put up with it far too long already.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #5

libby74

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 21, 2006
Messages
6,217
Purraise
18
Location
Illinois
[Can the 3 of you not just go away?. Does he have to spend vacation time with his parents?
__________________
/QUOTE]
Well, I hate to travel, I don't want to travel, and I don't trust anyone to take care of my 6 fur-babies. Having said that, if he would agree to go somewhere I'd like to see I would definitely make the effort to go for a few days, even a week if necessary.
DH has actually said just the 3 of us could go to Florida (wait for it.......), then we could meet his folks there.
I mean, seriously, is he nuts?! I will NEVER go on a trip with his folks, not now, not ever. Not even a day trip.

You'd think I'd be used to this crap by now, wouldn't you? My MIL is like an annoying little gnat---she comes into DH's place of work several times a week and picks and picks at him. She does it in front of his co-workers and customers. She finally got to him in front of his supervisor and assistant manager; apparently, they both told DH he could go on a vacation without his daughter, that she wouldn't mind. In DH's defense ( and I truly don't know why I'm sticking up for him ) he tries to make everyone happy. Unfortunately, that doesn't always include me. When he finally told me about this trip, he said he'd been sick about it for 2 days because he knew DD and I were going to be mad. All I could say was, "Good, you deserved it."


I have no tolerance for that kind of selfish and disrespectful behavior. I would utilize the time that he's away, to pack his stuff, and have it waiting for his return.
You know, I've actually had that thought running thru my head. We've been married almost 35 years, and this is what we fight about. Honestly, it's not about the money (altho' that does burn me up). It's about him picking his Mom over me, and now over our daughter. If I hadn't intervened, I'm sure DH would have gone off without her. I tried to tell him this little episode has probably changed the way DD looks at both hmi and her grandmother. I don't think he believes me, but from talking to DD I know it has.

I'm taking serious satisfaction from DD's daily reports of how this trip is going. They hadn't been gone more than a couple of hours before a deer rammed into the side of the car. (the deer ran off, thankfully) Step-Dad didn't bring his hearing aid and can't hear a thing, but non-stop criticizes DH's driving. They missed their exits 3 different times the first day (even tho' the folks have gone on this trip at least 2 dozen times), they spent 3 hours looking for a motel that 'wasn't a dump'. Step-Dad won't admit he shouldn't have made this trip, but they've had to rent a wheelchair for him twice. DH has diabetes and I've told DD to keep an eye on him because he won't do it himself. She could tell something was up with him and tried to get him to take a glucose tablet. She was in the back seat and couldn't reach them up front, so asked her grandma to open them for her Dad and give him one. Grandma's response? "Oh, he's ok." Did I mention the woman is an idiot?
I've never been her biggest fan, but have been a good daughter-in-law over the years. In the past couple of weeks, however, I have used some extremely unflattering language concerning her, the nicest being to call her a 'selfish, conniving
'.

It may sound strange, but I blame her for most of this mess. Maybe it's easier than blaming DH (altho trust me, he's at the top of my
-list). I would do just about anything for my Mom, even tho we don't have a great relationship, but I would never put her wants above my husband.
 

krazy kat2

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 14, 2001
Messages
8,085
Purraise
41
Location
Somewhere in Georgia
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know how difficult MIL problems can be. It seems like a good time for a family sit down with just him and the kids. I hope you can get through to him.
 

nekomania

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
921
Purraise
2
Location
Vancouver, WA
Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your daughter!!!



I too would consider having his bags packed and ready for him when he got home. If you've been dealing with this for 35 years it's about time you did something dramatic!

I can understand choosing his mom over his family if something were WRONG but to go on vacation??? Who gets married and still lets their mother drag them around by their ba-- um... Can I say that word on here?


Anyways...I think you two need to have a warm heartfelt talk, where many things are thrown and broken until he finally gets that he needs to choose mommy or his family.

You daughter sure sounds like a champ, but with her being in school and I am sure under so much stress already, she isn't the one who needs to be "Babysitting" her father. It sounds like its more than past due time for hubby to step up to the plate and take some responsibility, not only for his family's feelings, but for his own health and welfare.


Edit - And if it makes you feel any better, me and Cody aren't even married yet and his mother already drives me batpoo crazy with her manipulative conniving ways... Are all MIL and MIL-to be like this?
 

trillcat

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
1,738
Purraise
2
Location
Wisconsin
I don't know that I would toss away 35 years of marrage, but certainly something MUST change here.
I would take the time while he is gone and write out everything you want to say, then edit it, lol. Make it like a presentation, practice it so you don't get over emotional while telling him exactly what YOUR conditions are for this marriage to continue. Have a defence ready if he says you are overreacting, and he probably will. I would pack his bags, put them right inside the front door with a big tag on them that says "Mommy's house" Say nothing about them until he sits down and talks with you about the way things are going to go from now on. Let you daughter know what you are doing, she can be your back up. He apperantly has been castrated by his mother, so one of you has to have a set of ba... uh, dangly bits. You have the power to make this change!
Giving him your credit card, ug, bad, bad idea. I would call the company RIGHT NOW and make sure he cannot put any transactions on it! You know this, make it happen. Him taking your spending money on his way out, completly unforgivable!!!!!
Follow up on anything you say, idle threats mean nothing. If he won't listen to you, show him those bags by the door, and escort his behind out of it. It doesn't mean an end to the marriage, but a stand on your part to not allow yourself and you kids to be treated this way anymore.
 

lynsey

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jul 10, 2009
Messages
347
Purraise
1
Location
Cali
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice (although the previous posters have given you some good advice, IMO) but hope you can work through this.
 

zorana_dragonky

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 13, 2008
Messages
1,581
Purraise
2
Location
Northern Indiana
I actually remember you posting about this last year. Many big
from me and my babies. I remember telling you how fun Disney World could be if you went at times when it wasn't super busy (like early February, for instance) and that maybe you could placate your husband by taking a trip with just him and your daughter at a time when it wouldn't be stressful to you and that he should reciprocate by going somewhere YOU want to go.

By reading your post, I can tell that you told him those things. That you would even go to Florida with him for a week where he could do the things he wants with your daughter and have fun, and he obviously didn't listen. He told his mom he would go with her again, and you went through such a huge mess last year! AND THEN he didn't tell you for two days! And he didn't invite your daughter, didn't even tell her himself!!!

I think that when he gets back, you should have a serious talk with your daughter, and then the three of you should sit down as a family and have a VERY serious talk with your husband about his behavior. He has been really rude and inconsiderate of you and your daughter and your finances, and he needs to know how it makes you feel. And if he doesn't like what you have to say and isn't willing to compromise or do something about how he treats you, then you can tell him that he can go live with his momma.

She sounds like a word I can't say here but starts with a b and ends with manipulative inconsiderate itch.


Much luck with your husband.
 

larussa

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
4,899
Purraise
71
Location
Central New Jersey
Have you ever thought of a divorce or at least a separation, I couldn't live with a man like that and it does seem he favors his mom over you and your daughter.
 

natalie_ca

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 2, 2006
Messages
21,136
Purraise
223
Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Originally Posted by Yosemite

I certainly don't advocate leaving him,
Well, I sure do!!!

Your husband sounds like a complete total jerk! Selfish! Self absorbed! Inconsiderate! Manipulative! And that's only the beginning.

He doesn't give a darn what you say, do or think, so long as he gets his way, and once again he manipulated you into giving him exactly what he wanted!

My advice is to dump the jerk and bank the money that you save from not having to support his lying and manipulative behaviour.

He's taking complete advantage of you and you sound more like his "Sugar Mamma" than his wife. If he wants to be a kept man and travel at the expense of the woman in his life, than let him do it on someone else's tab and not yours.

You deserve so much better than someone who has so little disregard to what you want, need and feel. Do yourself a huge favour and ditch the jerk. In fact, have the locks changed while he's away. Let him move in with his Mommy and let her support him.
 

natalie_ca

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 2, 2006
Messages
21,136
Purraise
223
Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Originally Posted by libby74

It may sound strange, but I blame her for most of this mess. Maybe it's easier than blaming DH (altho trust me, he's at the top of my
-list).
Sorry, but he didn't have a gun to his head. He made his decision based on complete free will. So put the blame where it belongs....on your jerk of a husband!

You can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. He wanted to go and he went. Simple as that. He blames his Mom, but he's secretly happy that he can place the blame on her. And you are buying right into it.

He's been manipulating you for probably your entire life together and it's to the point where you are blinded by it and placing the blame elsewhere! Stop defending him!!! He's doing to you exactly what his parents do to him: MANIPULATING!
 

whisky'sdad

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Feb 4, 2002
Messages
1,058
Purraise
1
Location
Orange, CA
Here's a man's point of view...

I love my mom and would do anything for her. BUT, she knows that I am my own person and do what I want and is the best for me.

Your hubby sounds like a (pardon my french) wussy and bows down to Mommy's wishes. 35 years of marriage? That would make him about mid 50's?? Time to grow up, dude!!

And, WHY OH WHY would you give him the credit card???????? You are just giving in to him yet again! I like the idea of calling the cc company and putting a freeze on it and they have to call you to authorize the charge. DO IT NOW!!
 

keycube

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Nov 26, 2008
Messages
958
Purraise
45
Location
Michigan
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Well, I sure do!!!...
Ditto. More telling than the facts themselves (which we as outsiders would never be truly able to comprehend without the "feel" of context that only you have experienced), is the level of your anger and bitterness. I didn't have to read but a fraction of your posts before I said to myself, "Wow, this woman needs to get the hell out of this mess before something really ugly ensues."
 

yosemite

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Apr 26, 2001
Messages
23,313
Purraise
81
Location
Ingersoll, ON
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Well, I sure do!!!

Your husband sounds like a complete total jerk! Selfish! Self absorbed! Inconsiderate! Manipulative! And that's only the beginning.

He doesn't give a darn what you say, do or think, so long as he gets his way, and once again he manipulated you into giving him exactly what he wanted!

My advice is to dump the jerk and bank the money that you save from not having to support his lying and manipulative behaviour.

He's taking complete advantage of you and you sound more like his "Sugar Mamma" than his wife. If he wants to be a kept man and travel at the expense of the woman in his life, than let him do it on someone else's tab and not yours.

You deserve so much better than someone who has so little disregard to what you want, need and feel. Do yourself a huge favour and ditch the jerk. In fact, have the locks changed while he's away. Let him move in with his Mommy and let her support him.
That's easy to say when you don't have 35 years invested in a relationship plus all the other things like property, etc., but it isn't that easy in reality.

Apparently something has been working in order for you to be there for 35 years. Either you wait for his mother to die or you sit him down and lay down some ground rules and stick to them.

From what I've read, you "threaten" and get upset/mad, but you don't do anything to change his behaviour, i.e., you still gave him the Visa card. In a way you are enabling him in his behaviour and until you make up your mind to do something other than just talk about it, nothing will change and no advice is going to make any difference to you.

Perhaps you already realize this and just need to vent and know that we feel your pain and that we agree he isn't being fair to you and your daughter.
 

rosiemac

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Dec 3, 2003
Messages
54,358
Purraise
100
Location
ENGLAND... LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY!
Originally Posted by Whisky'sDad

I love my mom and would do anything for her. BUT, she knows that I am my own person and do what I want and is the best for me.
And that's just how it should be


Personally i couldn't live with someone like that, so it depends how strong you are to stop caving in with things like the credit card etc...
 

petparent

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
Jul 20, 2009
Messages
24
Purraise
0
Location
Toronto
WOW....I'm sorry, I find it strange that...

1. He spends his vacation with his parents at this stage of his life.
2. That his parents are still asking him to go on their vacation (he's a grown adult with his OWN family- they should be butting out)
3. That he would not DISCUSS this with you, as opposed to telling you in a note he was going.
4. That he asked for your credit card as he was leaving.


No respectable man would leave his wife to go on a vacation knowing full well, she was against the idea. Given the fact, that he's done this more than once;he knows it drives tension between both of you.

IMHO, aside from this......I find that in relationships, one usually hurts another/ignores their feelings because of something.....I leave it to you to find out from your DH why he is acting is this manner. Has he always been a "Mama's Boy"? Maybe you can work it out and come to an understanding. Get him to talk about Why he leaves you. Why is it so important to him to go to FLA? You said you do not want to goto FLA, but would consider an alternative trip. Could he see himself foregoing the FLA trip, and taking an alternative trip for the two of you?


All the best.
 

capt_jordi

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Messages
2,777
Purraise
13
Location
Knoxville, TN
IMO you should call and put a hold on his visa card so he cannot use it more than X amount of times a day or only for X amount per day. Maybe that will help?

I agree its easy to say "pack his bags and leave him" but 35 years of marriage and all that goes along with it would be extremely hard to throw out.
I think it needs more than a mature discussion and threats. It needs some action. Maybe you can get your DD to help you out with this? Maybe if both of you speak to him maybe things will change? Or even speak to him and his mother at the same time?
 

going nova

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 31, 2008
Messages
1,951
Purraise
12
I remember when you posted about this last year as well.

If I were in your place, I would be angry too, but I wouldn't have given him the credit card.

Were I in your daughter's place, I'd have given my dad hell and would not let my studies come second to a trip that my father had planned to take without me. I would have finished my classes as scheduled.

I suggest you compromise with your husband, and maybe travel with him and your daughter only... without your husband's parents. I understand you don't like travel, but compromise means both people put forth an effort to make things work.

Your husband, on the other hand, sounds like he needs to grow up. Maybe some therapy would help. It sounds as if his mom knows just how to push his buttons and get the reaction she wants.
 
Top