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Why so mean?

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
So after almost 4 years my bf and I decided it just wasn't working out and he moved back home to California. We had been having lots of problems for almost 6 months prior to the split. During this time I had been confiding in a friend of the opposite sex. He was really supportive and understanding of my situation and was giving me lots of good advice on how to fix my situation and how to try to work things out with my bf. I ended up developing a crush on this friend but never acted on it because I was still in a relationship. We talked for a couple of months and I had decided that I just couldn't continue in my relationship, I was unhappy and getting worse by the day. I ended up sleeping with this friend (which yes I know was wrong of me to do.) and am still seeing him to this day. Well my now ex found out that we are seeing each other and are sleeping together and has since resorted to sending me messages via Facebook saying what a (excuse the language) slut I am and how he hates me. He said that he wishes he never met me and that he wasted 4 years of his life on a selfish, self centered b@*^$. I responded to him without retaliation and simply told him I was sorry he felt hurt and betrayed and that I will always love him and that someday I hope he can mature past the childish name calling and forgive me. He got back to me calling me more names yet again and how karma is going to come back for me. He said that he is going to get tested and if he has anything he is going to blame me. I just don't understand the need for any of it. It really hurt reading all he had to say to me.
post #2 of 28
Put him on ignore.

Some people aren't worth the time it takes to respond to them.


Not all people have the maturity skills to rise above name calling, etc. when they are hurt/sad/angry.



(some people are just plan ol' mean)
post #3 of 28
I agree..just ignore him...
post #4 of 28
Seems to me he doesn't want to take any responsibility for the relationship failing, and has seized up on this as an opportunity to blame you for everything.

You be the adult, and just let him be childish. Even though you know you messed up, you also know that your ex did things wrong too, and that the relationship ending was from both your ends, not just yours or his. Remind yourself that his statements have no basis in reality, and let them go. Hopefully he grows up some day.
post #5 of 28
From an old lady's prospective, it sounds as though he is looking for a way to blame you for the breakup when in reality it usually comes down to 6 of one and a half dozen the other sort of thing. We each contribute to failed relationships, it may be 50/50, 60/40, 80/20, but whatever, no one of the participants are free of "blame" so to speak.

If you were still a couple when you slept with your friend, then yes you are in the wrong as well, but if you were not a couple at that time, then you have no need to feel you did him wrong.

He's looking for a scapegoat and you are it. Ignore him and he'll eventually go away.
post #6 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post

If you were still a couple when you slept with your friend, then yes you are in the wrong as well, but if you were not a couple at that time, then you have no need to feel you did him wrong.

He's looking for a scapegoat and you are it. Ignore him and he'll eventually go away.
Sadly yes we were still a couple which is something I am not proud of but whats done is done. My ex doesn't know that we were still together when this happened because I don't need to add fuel to the fire.

Does anyone know if there is an ignore option for Facebook?
post #7 of 28
If you go onto his page and scroll down, right at the bottom on the left there should be a little button saying "remove from friends", which then you should have to option to block or ignore him.
post #8 of 28
Thread Starter 
Hmmmm he already removed me from his friends list but made is page private so I can't see anything to click. I think I'll just have to start deleting his messages without reading them for a while. If he is going to do nothing but put me down to make himself feel better.
post #9 of 28
type his user name in.....in the search box..... if it comes up, you should have an option to BLOCK that person.

and theres another way, but I gotta log in to remember the steps.
post #10 of 28
hey, go to settings dont click hover over it then click on privacy settings and the block option comes up
post #11 of 28
Go to "settings" then privacy settings. You'll see a block list. Add the no good xxx name to it.... You can always remove the block if he at some point has something mature to say.
post #12 of 28
Thread Starter 
Too bad there's not a way to block him from my phone. Aside from changing my number which would be just a plain ol hassle.
post #13 of 28
If I moved hundreds of miles to be someone and he/she slept with his/her friend while we were together, I wouldn't be so nice either. You mentioned that he doesn't know, but he probably suspects.

Though your relationship may have been bad, it was unfair and irresponsible (I'm sure you know) for you to sleep with your friend unbeknownst to your boyfriend. STIs are fairly common, and there's nothing 'mean' about your ex saying he should be tested. As for the other things he's been saying... I agree with the everyone- just ignore him.
post #14 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Going Nova View Post
If I moved hundreds of miles to be someone and he/she slept with his/her friend while we were together, I wouldn't be so nice either. You mentioned that he doesn't know, but he probably suspects.

Though your relationship may have been bad, it was unfair and irresponsible (I'm sure you know) for you to sleep with your friend unbeknownst to your boyfriend. STIs are fairly common, and there's nothing 'mean' about your ex saying he should be tested. As for the other things he's been saying... I agree with the everyone- just ignore him.
The only reason the getting tested thing made me mad was because while yes I was with my friend I was never intimate with my bf.
post #15 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyeCat0117 View Post
The only reason the getting tested thing made me mad was because while yes I was with my friend I was never intimate with my bf.
Oh! That does make a difference. (On the one hand your ex doesn't know when your friend became something more, so he could be assuming it started before you two were done being intimiate. Or maybe he is just trying to hurt you because he feels hurt himself.)

In any case, do your best to ignore it. People can say some really nasty things when they're angry.
post #16 of 28
Thread Starter 
I'll have to go to the library later and do the block thing there because facebook is blocked here at work. Until he can conversate like an adult I have nothing to say to him.
post #17 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyeCat0117 View Post
I'll have to go to the library later and do the block thing there because facebook is blocked here at work. Until he can conversate like an adult I have nothing to say to him.
And this is exactly what I'd put on Facebook before you block him...
post #18 of 28
Geeez, that sounds like a reincarnation of my 4 year relationship with my exgirlfriend...except for the namecalling and stuff. 6-8 months before the end, it was getting pretty rough. I went home for an operation about 3 months before the end, she wanted to come to support me, I wouldn't let her, while I was gone she slept with a mutual friend. We broke up the same way but we decided to end it on good terms and we've been friends ever since.

This was in 1991, btw.
post #19 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyeCat0117 View Post
So after almost 4 years my bf and I decided it just wasn't working out and he moved back home to California. We had been having lots of problems for almost 6 months prior to the split. During this time I had been confiding in a friend of the opposite sex. He was really supportive and understanding of my situation and was giving me lots of good advice on how to fix my situation and how to try to work things out with my bf. I ended up developing a crush on this friend but never acted on it because I was still in a relationship. We talked for a couple of months and I had decided that I just couldn't continue in my relationship, I was unhappy and getting worse by the day. I ended up sleeping with this friend (which yes I know was wrong of me to do.) and am still seeing him to this day. Well my now ex found out that we are seeing each other and are sleeping together and has since resorted to sending me messages via Facebook saying what a (excuse the language) slut I am and how he hates me. He said that he wishes he never met me and that he wasted 4 years of his life on a selfish, self centered b@*^$. I responded to him without retaliation and simply told him I was sorry he felt hurt and betrayed and that I will always love him and that someday I hope he can mature past the childish name calling and forgive me. He got back to me calling me more names yet again and how karma is going to come back for me. He said that he is going to get tested and if he has anything he is going to blame me. I just don't understand the need for any of it. It really hurt reading all he had to say to me.
Why is everyone so quick to condem this guy? Is he wrong for sending nasty messages, yea, but see it from the side of the person cheated on! He is hurt, and he is lashing out. It is humiliating to be cheated on, he is trying to make you feel some of that by openly trashing you. So you appologized, do you really think that makes things all better for him???
I quoted your OP because I see nothing in there that says he did anything bad to you, just that things weren't working out for BOTH of you. I don't read in there he chose to run into the arms of someone else when things got bad.
Im sorry this is harsh, I am not judging you, but really now. You are playing all hurt because he is calling you names, well jeeze wake up, you cheated on him, he is hurting far worse than you!
post #20 of 28
sounds just like what happened to one of my friends...don't feel embarassed please if anyone sees those messages- he's only proving to people how immature he really is by doing all of this. When this happened to my friend, her ex hacked into her facebook and wrote things on her about me page like "I like sleeping with other men and cheating on the only person who ever loved me" ..It was ugly but guess what, he only embarassed himself for being an insecure jerk who can't deal with the fact that he got dumped. It is sad but for some reason, every one of my boyfriends become really weird after the relationship is over. They start acting like they're players and need to prove it to me and need to flaunt how many women are trying hard to be with them, and sometimes even undermine me by pointing out my flaws..I know this is not the same thing, but I was thinking maybe it's a guy thing for them to be all weird! I know not all are, but it just happened so many times to me..I dunno.
post #21 of 28
Im sorry, did I miss a memo? He was cheated on, she was not, and is reacting to that.
post #22 of 28
Trillcat- yea but I think he should talk to her privately rather than posting on her facebook...and talk to her like an adult not in such an immature way..what is between two people needs to stay between them.

ETA: okay I missed something he's sending her messages not posting on her wall..But yea name calling is not helpful to resolving hurtful feelings due to being cheated on...
post #23 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by ut0pia View Post
Trillcat- yea but I think he should talk to her privately rather than posting on her facebook...and talk to her like an adult not in such an immature way..what is between two people needs to stay between them.
Agreed.
But why dump on him when she was the one who strayed?
post #24 of 28
I dunno- I guess calling someone names and harrassing them is worse in my mind than cheating on a boyfriend when things are going really badly in the relationship. Cheating isn't premeditated while being nasty to someone is.
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by ut0pia View Post
I dunno- I guess calling someone names and harrassing them is worse in my mind than cheating on a boyfriend when things are going really badly in the relationship. Cheating isn't premeditated while being nasty to someone is.
It is premeditated here, she had a crush on the other guy, for a while, and did act on it.
Am I the only one that sees this as bad???
She is now being a pain because the person she hurt is acting, well, hurt. Diva complex, I can hurt whoever and I dont care, as long as I say I am sorry.
post #26 of 28
I am sorry but yeah cheating is premeditated in my opinion. You don't just wake up one day and find yourself in a relationship with two people at the same time. You have to actually stop and think I am gonna be with this person while in a relationship with another.

I have been on both sides of the fence. I was cheated on one time and I caught said person in the act. His only explaintation was because he wanted to and because I said he would never sleep with a friend on mine. Less than two hours later he was in bed with her.

I cheated on one guy one time. I did so because I was tired of playing second fiddle to his drugs and alcohol. I told him the next day and we ended things. I made a choice to do what I did right or wrong. And the OP made a choice to do what she did right or wrong.

Yeah him sending those messages and name calling is immature. But this guy has no idea when she started sleeping with this guy. For all he knows this could have been happening the last year or two of the relationship. And her saying I am sorry really is not gonna make that pain go away. To this day 13-14 years later it still hurts to thinking about the fact that I got cheated on. He may not be justified in calling you a slut but he is justified in saying that he is going to get tested now because he has no idea how long she was sleeping with this guy. And her just saying it was at the end and that she did not sleep with her boyfriend is not gonna cut it more than likely in his mind. i would be tested to because imo when someone cheats once there is always that possibilty that they did it before in the past.
post #27 of 28
Sorry you are going through this that really sucks. He is probably very hurt right now. I can tell you when I was 20 I did a lot worse (A LOT worse) to my cheating boyfriend. So I can totally understand his view. What if that happened to you? And he quickly had sex with his friend so soon after your relationship, would you be hurt?

I would put him on ignore or block and not even think about it. The guy is hurt, four years is a long time and there was obvious love there. You did nothing wrong at all, you acted on your feelings and there are very few relationships that end without hard feelings.

Just be happy with where you are right now, enjoy your life and don’t think about him. Understand what he is feeling, put yourself in his place and realize that you shouldn’t take to heart what he is saying.

To be honest I would rather be called a dirty STD infested slut then have my love of four years sleeping with someone else. This is nothing against you, I am always on the woman's side as I am a firm believer in women sticking together. Just as I said above, think about how he is feeling and realize that he is hurting bad. Understand it and don’t take it to heart, ignore it and it will pass.
post #28 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaloneysMom View Post
This is nothing against you, I am always on the woman's side as I am a firm believer in women sticking together. .
I couldn't help it this is too funny! Lol I am biased b/c I am a woman so I can't say i disagree but it's still funny the way you said it
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