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“Just another manic Monday…”

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
The above song by the Bangles perfectly sums up my day yesterday. I’m not typically one to post to this forum about my personal life and struggles, but I really just need to vent right now. I’m upset, tired, uncomfortable, and very crabby so I apologize if this comes out both long and muddled…

This past holiday weekend was wonderful. A couple of friends and I (4 individuals in total –including 6 dogs!) went out to Cook Forest in western Pennsylvania and rented two cabins for the long weekend. We had a fabulous time and spent the weekend relaxing, enjoying the beautiful scenery around us, laughing and generally being silly, hiking, swimming, going horseback riding, exploring the area (into the Allegheny National Forest), and having the obligatory cookout and Fourth of July picnic/barbeque/party. It was an amazing weekend and I enjoyed myself immensely – as did my friends. It was a perfect way to kick off the summer and I’m so grateful that we were able to pull this off as a group. It’s a weekend I certainly won’t be forgetting anytime soon and, believe me, that’s a good thing!

But here’s where things get a little less fun and a little more frustrating. Due to some serious health issues in my past, I suffer from osteopenia (a precursor to osteoporosis). This means that, along with some other medical concerns, I am at risk of injury and illness far more than the average individual. In fact, it has led to numerous hospital visits along with breaks and fractures within the last 5+ years (I’m 26 now). However, I knew all this going into the trip and managed to remain upright and healthy through the entirety of the weekend and came away so grateful for my physical and emotional well-being. It took time, energy, information, and a lot of caution, but it was well worth it and I was so thankful for my health that it didn’t even occur to me that I’d potentially be at risk once I returned home. And, boy am I now regretting my lack of preparation and care…

I spent the first part of yesterday lounging around the house and relaxing. I had a nice, quiet morning and then when my roommate returned from work, we were planning on going out to get a quick bite to eat and then run some errands – including doing some grocery shopping. But we never managed to make it out yesterday. Well, I did, but not as originally planned. I don’t know how it happened, but as I was walking down the steps, I must have either slipped, missed a step, or had my ankle give out on me since I was soon tumbling down 2-3 steps and onto the floor. It happened so fast and all I can remember is that I felt a crack and then managed to roll over my right ankle and foot 3 times before coming into contact with the hardwood floor between the living room and dining room of our home. And then? Searing, unimaginable pain. In fact, the pain was so severe that I almost instantly went into a state of shock where my temperature plummeted and I was fading in and out of consciousness (or so my roommate and the EMT’s told me). I remember coming to while in an ambulance and then I must have faded back out because the next thing I remember was being rushed in the doors to the ER. Once they pumped me full of some heavy duty pain medication I was more able to focus on everything that was going on around me – including the parade of nurses, residents, radiologists, and doctors filing in and out of my room. And within an hour I had gone through two sets of X-rays which were definitive enough to confirm what everyone already thought – I had several breaks to my right ankle and foot (and toe).

It turns out, though, that I was lucky. The X-rays they took of my hip and knee (and my other foot and ankle!) were negative. And, if I wasn’t lucky enough that my breaks were localized, I also was blessed to have broken bones which allow me to still retain some usage of my ankle and foot. Unfortunately, however, any usage I have is extremely limited and I’ll be on crutches for a minimum of 4-5 weeks and in a walking cast/boot for at least three times as long as that. But, within 3 hours I was out of the emergency room and on my way, with my roommate, to the pharmacy to pick up my painkillers. And while the entire situation sucks, I’m grateful that my injuries were not as severe as they could have been and that I am able to still be a functional, independent adult.

The breaks were to my right fibula, the fifth metatarsal (Jones Fracture), my small toe (fifth phalange), and a number of probable (as in almost 99.9% likely) occult and hairline fractures on the inside, outside, and top of my right foot. I’m allowed to put weight on my right foot, but it must be extremely slight and with heavy assistance from my crutches and, of course, while wearing my walking cast/boot. They didn’t want to use a fiberglass cast one me since they wanted me to continue to use my foot and ankle with an upward and downward range of motion. However, I cannot move my foot side-to-side and, as of now, my foot is turned inward and I’m unable to be flat-footed outside of my brace. Therefore, they gave me a wrap for my ankle and sent me on my way with a prescription for a custom-fit brace which I was able to get into as early as mid-afternoon today. Needless to say, I’m in a tremendous amount of pain and am discouraged by this new break (or, rather breaks). But, most of all, I’m angry at myself for being so careless and feel so powerless in that there is so much that I can’t do on my own at this point in time. I feel so much guilt and shame for having fallen and caused this and I hate that I have no choice other than to ask for help and support when it’s needed. And, while I do have friends and family who are able and willing to support me, I feel too undeserving and unworthy to accept their assistance.

I’m thankful that I have family, friends, and a wonderful roommate, who can help me through this mess, but it’s going to be a long period of recovery and feeling as I am right now, I’m not exactly willing to go through the pain, discomfort, and frustration of weeks and months of living with one bum leg, visits to the doctor and orthopedist, X-rays galore, and physical therapy. And, let me just say that I have zero insurance. So, yeah, this is going to cost me a ton of money, time, and patience and I’m just so frustrated and overwhelmed. And, if all that was not bad enough, I have a business trip scheduled for this weekend to Fort Wayne, Indiana which I absolutely cannot get out of. I just feel like I’m a walking disaster and while I know I’m sitting on a platinum pity-pot, I can’t seem to drag me and my heavy walking brace/cast off the pot and back into my life. I’m grateful that I’m okay, but I’m also angry that I’m not. It makes no sense, right? And, yet, it does. In short, I’m miserable. Just plain miserable…and scared…and ashamed…and angry…and…and…and…

At this point, I’m exhausted and feel as though I’m struggling to make sense so I’m going to end this for now. I know y’all probably have bigger worries and concerns than my broken ankle and foot, but I appreciate that you’re all here and available to listen. ‘Cause, right now, I just need someone, somewhere to hear me and know that I’m having a rough time.
post #2 of 7
Shivers, that is so awful - I can only imagine how much pain you are in!! Do you have a problem with your parathyroid and your vitamin D levels, as they can cause bone loss. I am just assuming here as I am sure you already know the cause of your bone loss.

I hope that you heal soon!!!

You can only do so much, so rest yourself well!
post #3 of 7
Originally Posted by Alison Joy View Post
I just feel like I’m a walking disaster and while I know I’m sitting on a platinum pity-pot, I can’t seem to drag me and my heavy walking brace/cast off the pot and back into my life. I’m grateful that I’m okay, but I’m also angry that I’m not. It makes no sense, right? And, yet, it does. In short, I’m miserable. Just plain miserable…and scared…and ashamed…and angry…and…and…and…

At this point, I’m exhausted and feel as though I’m struggling to make sense so I’m going to end this for now. I know y’all probably have bigger worries and concerns than my broken ankle and foot, but I appreciate that you’re all here and available to listen. ‘Cause, right now, I just need someone, somewhere to hear me and know that I’m having a rough time.
I'm exhausted just reading your experience, so I can imagine how you must feel There is nothing wrong with taking a few days to let yourself absorb what happened, cry, scream, b!tch, whatever you need to do. This is an awful experience that you've had happen.

It does make sense, in the way that many many people twist their ankle/miss a step/etc while on the stairs, unfortunately you have a disease that puts you in huge risk for even the simplest task.

Their is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed about.... In no way did you control what happened to you. This was out of your control!!!

You have every to feel the way you feel. Angry, sad, confused, scared, etc.

I can't claim to know how you feel, as I don't have your disease, what I do know is pain though, and if you ever just want to whine, complain, be angry you are more than welcome to pm.

Chronic diseases/disabilities/etc. SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes the simplest way of expressing it is the best.

My thoughts are with you, many that your ankle heals well and I'm so very glad it seems like you have a good support system....

Pull at the positives in your life.... there is always something positive... use that as your strength to get off your pity pot. Even if its as simple as waking up and getting out of bed, that is a step in the right direction. Post here when you need to....

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this
post #4 of 7

I thought you might need the above quotes..... Keep posting if you need to.

Please, let us know how it goes getting your new cast today.... I hope its more comfortable than what you are in now..... I hope your pain is easing.

Take care of yourself, ok. And I don't mean physically.... I mean emotionally.
post #5 of 7
I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you get through this, but I can offer and for you to get better.
post #6 of 7
Hey, venting helps. It's not good to bottle up your negative emotions. Besides, it's really difficult having to deal with a chronic illness, so it's ok to let it out once in a while. Don't blame yourself. You can't be vigilant 24/7. I fall all the time (I actually fall UP the stairs), and I'm just fortunate I don't have what you have or I would be breaking things all the time.

Be kind to yourself. Hug a cat or two. Vibes that your recovery is smooth.

post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
I never expected to get such kind, supportive responses from everyone here. Before I even begin, let me just tell you how grateful I am for your sincerity and willingness to listen. It truly means a lot ...

My foot and ankle is far more painful and sore this morning than it has been. I'm assuming that's because the swelling has gone down some and now that I'm regaining some of the feeling I lost while it was blown up it's hurting a heck of a lot more. I've not done much this morning thus far and have really just tried to rest my foot and ankle since it is so painful, but sitting has only served to make me feel lazy and, to be honest, it's only been two days and I'm already going stir crazy. Thankfully, I do have my walking cast/boot and can manage to get around some without too much discomfort, but ambling around in a cast that resembles a ski boot is umcomfortable in its own rite. But, really, this is just me moaning about my less-than-ideal situation.

You know, I usually have a very upbeat attitude despite having a number of health concerns. I typically go through each day with a feeling of gratitude for all that I have and try to focus on all the good in my life (and there is a lot of good !) rather than the hardships. But, there's just been a lot lately and I'm finding it hard to remain carefree and happy when I'm feeling particularly weighed down by all of the issues surrounding my life and the lives of the people in my life who I love and care about. Sometimes life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but usually there's at least a silver lining despite the rain. Maybe all this is happening so that I am willing to search within myself to find the silver lining that resides inside of my heart and spirit rather than always searching for it up in the clouds. I think I'd like to believe that something hugely positive will come from all of this in the end. I think I need to believe that...

Unfortunately, my foot and ankle isn't the only thing that's got be down. I've been having some minor to moderate abdominal pain since last Friday morning. Not to be too graphic, let's just say that I had some intestinal issues as well. I took a boat load of Pepto Bismol over the weekend and seemed to do alright until Monday morning when I started having some painful cramping and bloating in my upper abdomen. I was actually considering going to the hospital that morning, but the pain subsided and then was put on the backburner when I broke my ankle and foot. Unfortunately, I was in so much pain and was hopped up on so many painkillers that it didn't occur to me to have the ER run tests while I was there for my foot. Since then, I've had intermittent periods of pain, but they've been largely masked by the pain medication I'm on due to my broken foot and ankle. But this morning, while the pain wasn't severe, I woke up and immediately had to run to the bathroom to vomit . Since then I've been having pretty severe stomach cramps (though they come and go) along with some pain on my upper right side. I've also had chills and some intestinal issues. I've had gastritis in the past and wonder if this is simply a case of that, but I'm also concerned that it could be an issue with my gallbladder since a test run in April showed that there was some sludge present. Either way, if I'm not better by this evening or tomorrow morning or am getting worse, another trip to the emergency room will be in order. And being that I have a meeting for work this evening at 7:00pm and a business trip this weekend, this is not coming at a good time which is causing me even more stress and anxiety.

I've managed lunch this afternoon and have resisted taking my pain meds to ensure I know whether or not I am getting worse as far as my abdominal pain is concerned and so far it's been okay. Along with my health issues, anxiety plays a huge role in my life. And not feeling well definitely triggers the fear and nervousness in me which leads to more physical symptoms...and so the vicious circle continues...

I don't know, writing all this today has me feeling a little better than when I started. But it's still hard and I'm just so over not feeling well. I still have hope and joy in my life, but it's a little more difficult to dig out today than usual. But I'm hanging in and, again, so appreciate the kindness offered here to me. I'll try to continue to post and update as much as I can, but please know that even if I don't post, I'm thinking of you all and am thankful for everything and everyone in my life (including my kitties who brought me to this site in the first place ). I know it'll only get better from here -- I just need to remain patient until I'm over the hump .

Prayers, good wishes, and hugs to everyone . Thank you all!
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