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I am in tears

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
The guy I was going to go see the fire works show is my ex., 12 years, the abuser. I dont know why I expected anything but heartbreak. He has tried to make me feel small again, rip anything I do out rom under me, and I will not have that anymore. he got mad, I got mad.
I am not the frail little flower he knew. I have power now, though in this he is still trying!
No way, no how you *cuss words*
Did that make any sence, I am so upset, he can still do this to me.
post #2 of 26
Big for you. It is so hard isn't it? It has been longer for you, but I know how it is to talk to people, to look around you, and every few minutes or see or hear something that reminds you of him and it's all you can do to hold back the tears. We have to do our best not to let them hurt us like this.
post #3 of 26

People like that you need to stay away from... He does that to you because he has the opportunity to do so - it is his game of power, and while you let him in your life he will continue to do it.
It is pretty sick, these people are extremely powerful when it comes to this... And their power is to make you feel like nothing so they can keep on going...
I was married to a physical and psychological abuser, who not only beat me up everyday for a solid 2 years, but also tried to destroy me mentally.
Take from somebody who has been there - do not try to understand, to fight him, to prove him wrong, to change him. Just GET AWAY - completely - no phone calls, no meeting, no talking through friends... Delete him from your life - it is the only way he will stop...

Be well..... Please NEVER think the problem is with you...
post #4 of 26


I would take Carolina's advice. People like that can't even be friends - they don't know how.

Laurie
post #5 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDG View Post


I would take Carolina's advice. People like that can't even be friends - they don't know how.

Laurie
I agree. It hurts though. I thought we could get past the abuse, but he is still giving it. No remorse, I "asked for it"
post #6 of 26
What an intolerable POS if he's treating you that way. Cut him out of your life for good, he's not good enough to even breath the same air you are and certainly not worth any tears.

How about you spend the rest of today finding something fun to do to get your spirits up? Go see or rent a movie? Get some ice cream? Dance around the house singing goofy pop songs loudly?
post #7 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
What an intolerable POS if he's treating you that way. Cut him out of your life for good, he's not good enough to even breath the same air you are and certainly not worth any tears.

How about you spend the rest of today finding something fun to do to get your spirits up? Go see or rent a movie? Get some ice cream? Dance around the house singing goofy pop songs loudly?
You need to put him behind you. Do something nice for yourself.
post #8 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
What an intolerable POS if he's treating you that way. Cut him out of your life for good, he's not good enough to even breath the same air you are and certainly not worth any tears.

How about you spend the rest of today finding something fun to do to get your spirits up? Go see or rent a movie? Get some ice cream? Dance around the house singing goofy pop songs loudly?
You put evil thoughts in my head! Ben and Jerry, I hear ya callin me!
I am feeling better, thank you all for your words and you are right, better without him. I just forgot myself for a bit, and did want to go see the fireworks, another disappointment among many from him.
LOL about the dancing, with all the Michael Jackson stuff on the news and TV I think I almost have that "Thriller" dance down!
post #9 of 26
Ben & Jerry's and singing goofy songs very loudly is surprisingly liberating. It does help me a little.

People can be so cruel. Many for you to successfully cut him out of your life.
post #10 of 26
I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Please get that poison guy 100% out of your life.
post #11 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Please get that poison guy 100% out of your life.
Yes... "poison" is exactly the right word. I'm so sorry he was able to hurt you again.
post #12 of 26
I am so glad that you are in your Ben and Jerry's therapy session.

Fireworks. The only kind you need are the ones in the sky not any bad ones from the ex.

Hey! I learned how to dance the Thriller dance from a dance instructor. Our son did, too. I always find dancing really puts me in a better mood.
post #13 of 26
Thread Starter 
I just burned the @#%$^&##@ phone numbers, just a small fire, a little post-it, one of the teeny ones. I was lighting a smoke (yea, I know, cigarettes are bad) and had the post-it near me, with the same match, all gone! I deleted all his numbers out of my caller ID. (I dont have them in my own brain memory) In retrospect I should have made that more of a ceremony, but he doesn't deserve that. Goodybye, gone A$$youknowwhat
I am FREE again!!!!
I can't believe I fell back into his trap, but let this be a lesson to all who have been abused. It doesn't change, no matter what they say!
post #14 of 26
Yikes this is a very delicate issue. Distance is the only remedy. No "maybe"s about it.
post #15 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquagirl View Post
Yikes this is a very delicate issue. Distance is the only remedy. No "maybe"s about it.
It is a dificult subject to discuss, and that is why many women live their lives in fear of being found out, many not as lucky as me to not have been killed. It's a walk on the edge of a razor blade.
post #16 of 26
so many of us have been through it... We are the lucky ones to survive it - I had a knife on my throat (yes, literally), and I didn't leave.
But I tell you one thing: The day I left, it was OVER - not one more thought. And I will NEVER EVER date an abusive or alcoholic man again. That I can tell you with 100% certainty - I have no tolerance for abuse, not even cursing. After I left him, the first rule of my relationship is: The first time you tell me the "F" word, or call me the "B" word, I am out of here. Rule #2: Want to leave me? The door is your servant - go and NEVER come back. And don't you dare threatening to leave... you just go. Threats are emotional abuse, and I don't take that either...
You learn... once you cut the ties, it is GONE, and the other side is so much nicer, you will never let yourself be treated that way again...
Be strong, be selfish, lean on your friends, family, or whoever you feel comfortable talking to... you are not the first, and won't be the last... But you ARE very LUCKY to realize that relationship was wrong... Many will die without that realization...
post #17 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by carolinalima View Post
so many of us have been through it... We are the lucky ones to survive it - I had a knife on my throat (yes, literally), and I didn't leave.
But I tell you one thing: The day I left, it was OVER - not one more thought. And I will NEVER EVER date an abusive or alcoholic man again. That I can tell you with 100% certainty - I have no tolerance for abuse, not even cursing. After I left him, the first rule of my relationship is: The first time you tell me the "F" word, or call me the "B" word, I am out of here. Rule #2: Want to leave me? The door is your servant - go and NEVER come back. And don't you dare threatening to leave... you just go. Threats are emotional abuse, and I don't take that either...
You learn... once you cut the ties, it is GONE, and the other side is so much nicer, you will never let yourself be treated that way again...
Be strong, be selfish, lean on your friends, family, or whoever you feel comfortable talking to... you are not the first, and won't be the last... But you ARE very LUCKY to realize that relationship was wrong... Many will die without that realization...
I have been yelled the F and called B word so many times I cant count. It was also always my fault for "getting in his face"
Was also told I was insane, that's a big one for abusers, make you think you are crazy.
He liked to break my fingers, and he snapped my wrist. For fighting back.
post #18 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trillcat View Post
I have been yelled the F and called B word so many times I cant count. It was also always my fault for "getting in his face"
Was also told I was insane, that's a big one for abusers, make you think you are crazy.
He liked to break my fingers, and he snapped my wrist. For fighting back.
Yep - been there.... used to be punched on the face, belly, head... by a 6'3" man that weighted about 70lbs more than me... yep...
But you know, we can leave them... They can never leave themselves...
Deep inside they know the failure they are, and the only way to feel better about themselves is to destroy their partners...
You will be over this. But do NOT have ANY contact with him. Nada - not a word, no answering the phone... Can you move away for a couple of months? change your phone #. He died for you. If you don't do this, you will relapse. They know the game they play, and they are like a drug. You take a hit, you are back full force.
And he will try - he will try desperately - he will tell that he loves you, he is nothing without you, he can't leave without you, he is going to kill himself... He will try anything and everything to suck you in.
So, NOT A CONTACT. NOTHING. DISAPPEAR.
post #19 of 26
I don't really get how anyone can let themselves be victimized like this. I'm too likely to react, and if someone crossed that line it would be incredibly easy to divorce my emotions - ie "oops, did I just back over something? Best to back over a few more times to be sure..". (otherwise I'm one of the most honest, almost to a naive sense, and generous people you'll meet)

My parents did a lot of verbal and emotion abuse, as well as a little physical abuse. While I still talk to both of them and can understand they both have major issues with depression - they both know how I feel about what they did and are not allowed to even so much as raise their voices or say anything even remotely hurtful to me now.
I know going through that and recovering from it is what made me more direct and stronger today.


My suggestion to both of you is that most towns (even in mine that has under 9,000 people) or counties will have battered womens centers and groups. These groups offer a lot of services, including help with counseling. Check into it, it's not admitting any sort of defeat if you need a little help. Also, maybe by working with these groups you (and anyone else who cares to help their community) will find a bit of a calling. These groups need volunteers and money, too, and individuals who are willing to speak out against these crimes.
post #20 of 26
Quote:
I don't really get how anyone can let themselves be victimized like this. I'm too likely to react, and if someone crossed that line it would be incredibly easy to divorce my emotions - ie "oops, did I just back over something? Best to back over a few more times to be sure..". (otherwise I'm one of the most honest, almost to a naive sense, and generous people you'll meet)
There is no way for anybody who hasn't been there to understand - so you won't ever understand... and yes, it could happen to you too - you would be surprised.


Quote:
My suggestion to both of you is that most towns (even in mine that has under 9,000 people) or counties will have battered womens centers and groups. These groups offer a lot of services, including help with counseling. Check into it, it's not admitting any sort of defeat if you need a little help. Also, maybe by working with these groups you (and anyone else who cares to help their community) will find a bit of a calling. These groups need volunteers and money, too, and individuals who are willing to speak out against these crimes.
this happened to me in 1993-1995. I have been out of it for a LONG TIME. And I will NEVER be there again. Any support we, as woman can give each other, it is not only welcomed, but vital.
Please, no judging here... We all knew about these centers, but that is not where we went for support... Trillcat did a VERY brave thing to come here and open up - I never did this. My dad was smart enough to recognize what I was going through and gently made me see some beautiful things in life.
I ask please to everybody here - if you don't have a supportive word, don't post - this is not IMO. We are not here to be judged - Trillcat needs support, and that's what we should give her...
post #21 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
I don't really get how anyone can let themselves be victimized like this.
Wow. I don't even know where to start, or how to put this lightly. I unfortunately cannot seperate my emotions from this topic.

We're not all like you.

Abusive partners tend to brainwash their partners and it is a viscious cycle to break.

Blaming the victim for being victimized? I'm sorry, but that is just wrong. I hope, really hope I am misreading the above statement.



Trillcat: No matter what ANYONE says, this is NOT your fault. Noone chooses to be a victim. I commend you for posting, and supporting, and talking about your experience. By doing so, you have opened up a doorway for another person to see that there is a way out. You've done great by burning the numbers, I hope it felt really good. Like Carolina said, the only way you will be able to truly free yourself from his hold is by no contact...

Thank you for posting.
post #22 of 26
Ah I see, supposedly I judged someone here? (not sure how?) And am being asked not to by those who are now judging me based on a misunderstanding. Very nice from people who are trying to say be supportive and understanding...


If you honestly believe that every single person is capable of being a victim by that same view one must also judge everyone as potentially being a abuser - which yes, makes absolutely no sense. Point being that everyone has different physiological make up.
Think of all the people who get robbed at gunpoint and fight back, even when they do not have a weapon. Not everyone is capable of being a victim.


Didn't go through it? I was slammed into walls, hit with items like broomsticks, frequently cut open when my mother slapped me (from rings and nails), had a shoulder dislocated, etc - plus a lot of verbal abuse that took much longer to deal with. I didn't speak up as a child because I knew there wasn't family who would take me and I did not want to go into any sort of foster care. I've shared this is some past threads, some probably weren't here so are making judgments about me based on incomplete information.

As for poo-pooing all over the idea of Trillcat seeking local help, especially since none of us know if her ex could still retaliate against her in some way - is that a wise suggestion?
For those who have been through it - do you consider it wrong to now give back to your community and help others who may not be able to help themselves?

These groups are a great resource to be used for those who need them and aided. It's a shame that anyone would dismiss them so easily and probably a sign why so many abusers get away with hurting others..
post #23 of 26
Right.... Strange_wings, I am not going to discuss this with you, as there is no point...
I am sorry you went though all that when you were a child, I am glad to see you survived it.

Please let's go back to supporting Trillcat - here, now, and whenever she needs.

Trillcat, my dear be strong, we are here for you... Feel free to PM me, or call me, if you want... I can give you my phone # if you need...
Have a good night, and NEVER think this is your fault - it is NOT. Be strong, and one day at a time...
post #24 of 26
Big to you!! Ive never been in a relationship with an abusive person, but my brother emotionally and physically abuses/harasses me my whole life. All I know is I have a very very hard time trusting, or letting men into my life because of my brother. My brother tries to make it sound like its my fault he does what he does like he will say, "well im bored so thats why i do it". Its hard because most people outside of my immediate family dont believe me, when I do open up, they look at me like "are you sure you didnt hit your head?" its frustrating.

I really glad you are getting away from all of this. I dont really know much about your situation, but I want you to know I am here to support you! And send you many many vibes to reclaim your life, . Stay strong!!
post #25 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trillcat View Post
I agree. It hurts though. I thought we could get past the abuse, but he is still giving it. No remorse, I "asked for it"
Abusers will always be abusers.
Interesting article.... http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/04...nce/index.html

Take care of yourself - you deserve THAT! Whether you believe it or not, know that WE do!
post #26 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for coming to my defence.
Strange_wings, I hold no offence to you
It is a question to be asked, Why?
It is the the same I asked myself over and over, how could anyone tolerate this? I saw freinds being hit and said "Oh Please, this would never happen to me! They need to get out! I thought myself the voice of reason for them.
Then I had this happen.
It is a sick strange hold they have that goes beyond reason they know what to do to hurt,
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