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I don't know what to do.

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
I'm not sure I am up to typing out everything I know yet, about our situation or background or his reasoning or whatever...

I just wanted to say, and I guess I am probably just hoping for vibes or hugs or something...

My husband told me last night that he had been thinking about leaving me, and he thinks he has ruined my life. I don't know what to do. It didn't seem to matter what I said to him. If I sit down and am still for more than a few minutes, I want to cry. I have been up all night cleaning and doing things because I just don't know what to do.
post #2 of 16
It sounds to me like he's going through a hard time right now and has a lot of self blame going on which has led to him having a low self-esteem.

You both need to sit down and have a real heart to heart, honest conversation about how you both feel about one another, how you both feel about your relationship, and most importantly why he feels like he's ruined your life.

And then I would suggest marriage counselling
post #3 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorana_dragonky View Post
I'm not sure I am up to typing out everything I know yet, about our situation or background or his reasoning or whatever...

I just wanted to say, and I guess I am probably just hoping for vibes or hugs or something...

Lots of and that you are able to get thru this....

post #4 of 16
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
It sounds to me like he's going through a hard time right now and has a lot of self blame going on which has led to him having a low self-esteem.

You both need to sit down and have a real heart to heart, honest conversation about how you both feel about one another, how you both feel about your relationship, and most importantly why he feels like he's ruined your life.

And then I would suggest marriage counselling
He has always had a low self esteem. I know I didn't go into much detail, but we did have a "heart to heart". For many hours. Or at least my heart was in it. He just kept saying "I don't know, I don't know. I can't do this anymore."



It is hard to talk about. I mean to type it all out right now. He did tell me why he felt that way, about his ruining my life, and many other things.

Thank you though.

Oh and we have been married a little over four years.
post #5 of 16
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snake_Lady View Post
Lots of and that you are able to get thru this....

Thank you, Snake_Lady.
post #6 of 16
Make him go to his family practice doctor. Chronic low self esteem, indecisiveness, regret....all these thing shout 'depression' to me. Believe me, I understand, as I've been fighting depression all of my adult life.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
((( HUG ))) especially for you...
post #7 of 16
I'm so sorry sweetie. I agree it sounds very much like he needs treatment for depression. I hope you're able to work through this, and that with counseling and treatment, you'll both come out the other side.

And of course, lots of

Laurie
post #8 of 16
Oh no Many vibes everything works out how it should
post #9 of 16
I don't have much advice, but I have lots of good vibes for you and your hubby - I hope you get things worked out
post #10 of 16
All I can offer are lots of and that you both work it out
post #11 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
.And then I would suggest marriage counselling
I almost never ever get into discussions about anything not having to do with cats. Those of you that know me know this is true. I avoid IMO like the plague. But for some reason I just feel compelled to say that I am on my third wife. And I firmly believe with every conviction that I have, that had I not seeked marraige counciling, I would still be with my first. Just a man's input. BTW, both the marriage councellers were women and I was convinced the cards were stacked against me from the very beginning.

So, what is my point? Just this. If he is leaving you and you seek councilling, get a man counciler. A man will resent and blame (just as I did) everything onto the fact that there was a woman counciler. There you have it, one of about three IMOs I have given in three years.
post #12 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Persi & Alley View Post
I almost never ever get into discussions about anything not having to do with cats. Those of you that know me know this is true. I avoid IMO like the plague. But for some reason I just feel compelled to say that I am on my third wife. And I firmly believe with every conviction that I have, that had I not seeked marraige counciling, I would still be with my first. Just a man's input. BTW, both the marriage councellers were women and I was convinced the cards were stacked against me from the very beginning.

So, what is my point? Just this. If he is leaving you and you seek councilling, get a man counciler. A man will resent and blame (just as I did) everything onto the fact that there was a woman counciler. There you have it, one of about three IMOs I have given in three years.
That is SUCH a good point! My first ex and I went to marriage counseling. It was a guy counselor. After our first session, he said - there's no point in couples counseling, you two need individual counseling - you have no relationship! I didn't have a problem with that, it was true.

But I just wanted to add - in this situation, I really think his getting treatment for the depression is really of paramount importance. If you participate every other week in counseling together, the marriage part of the problem may end up resolving itself.



Laurie
post #13 of 16
I`m sorry sweetie. I hope you can work things out and you feel better soon. It must be dreadful.

post #14 of 16
I am so sorry you are going through this... It is really hard to give advice not knowing what is going on, so I am not going to give you any adviceon your relationship...

I do want to say, that if he feels this way, he has perhaps done things that were somewhat detrimental to your life...

So, the only advice I will give is for YOURself: step back, take a "Day off" from the relationship, go to a quiet, peaceful place where you can think about this whole situation on your own, without having his presence hurting and distracting you. I know there is nothing more painful than being told that you are going to be left by your SO (aside from the death of a loved one)- even when things are clearly are not working, it still hurts like HELL.... but now it is time to ask yourself rationally if this relationship is worth it, if it's good for you, if real love is there, etc. Is your life with him better than the life you had before? Are you happier with him than alone? Are you a better person with him?

Sometimes the pain is so much, we can't see beyond that specific fact, that we are being left, and we start thinking we will never be happy again without that person, there is no life out there, yada yada...

Think about it, long and hard... If you think this relationship is really worth it, you will know how to talk to him and figure a way to work things out that works for both of you...

And no matter what happens: don't EVER feel like a failure, or ashamed, or like you don't have love outside of your marriage. Rely on friends and family, and you will survive whatever comes your way. No matter what happens, you will be a happier and stronger person in the end -with or without him.

IMO, this can be an opportunity to either better your relationship, and to gain a better understanding of each other, or better your personal life, if in fact what he is saying (that he ruined your life) is true...

The bottom line is, protect YOURSELF, do what is better for YOU.
You are the #1, the most important piece of this puzzle.

Good luck...
post #15 of 16
This sounds very familiar to me. My DH was going through much the same thing. Then he just happened to be in his doctor's office and read a poster about a male hormone (testosterone) imbalance. They treated it and he is his sweet, loving self again. Apparently this is a common problem, easily treatable, but mostly undiagnosed.
It may not be the problem in your relationship, but it is definitely worth a look. He said many of the same things to me that I am reading in your posts, right down to his ruining my life, and I could have done so much better.
Either way, please take care of yourself and remember you have people here that are always ready to lend an ear, give a cyberhug, or a kind thought.
post #16 of 16
Oh Sweetie, I'm so very sorry you're going thru ths!
As others have said, a dr.'s appointment may very well be in order; it does sound as if your DH is clinically depressed.
Many loving thoughts and good wishes are coming your way, for both of you.
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