How about looking for a small older house to rent? Perhaps the landlord of a house/duplex might be more receptive to pets. Also perhaps there is a place that would take a larger cleaning deposit for the pets. Don't give up!
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I have decided to leave my boyfriend
- Thread starter baloneysmom
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I think it will be well worth it for you to have your own place. You said you've never been on your own, so this might be a good experience for you. I know you want to move out asap, but at least you don't have to move out immediately. Don't give up, keep calling around. Does your town have craigslist? That's a good resource. Do you have companies that find apartments for rent? They don't charge the renters, they charge the landlords. Keep at it, you'll find the right place.
You've just started looking. Don't get discouraged.
I will be honest with you... your posts make me believe that you really don't want to leave him. It sounds to me that you really do love him and he sounds like a great guy who really does love you.
This world is full of different types of people. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves and the whole world knows how they feel while other people tend to be more reserved and are less likely to show their emotions. Does this make either type of person bad? I don't think so. You just happened to get yourself into a situation where opposites attract. There is something about him that you were attracted to and I'm going to guess it wasn't his flamboyant romanticism.
Here is my advice. You need to stop all of the OMG I need to get the heck out of here right now and not think of anything else but that thoughts and you need to really really dig deep into yourself and ask yourself what do you really want out of life. Sometimes in life we have to make compromises in order to be happy but before you can make those compromises you need to find out what is really going to make you happy. And don't tell me that you have already done this because if you had then the decision wouldn't be made out of 2 day drama session. It would be made after a many long calm discussions and a feeling of resolve that this is for the best. From what I can tell there is just pure emotion right now and that is never the best way to make a life changing decision.
How can I say these things? It's easy... I have a wonderful man who loves me but doesn't have a single romantic bone in his body and has told me that he loves me a mere handful of times in our 12 year long relationship. I, just like you, went through a stage where I was bored and annoyed at the lack of emotion and I wanted to just get the heck out. I took the advice of a good friend (read above... almost identical
) and really looked at my life and what was going to make me happy. I won't kid you, we went through a very hard time but I can honestly say that had I left him all those years ago, I wouldn't have a guy who was nearly as great as him and I wouldn't be happy. And when I want romance... I take the reigns myself and create special occasions. He's never said no to me yet
Yup there are days when he annoys me to no end with the way that he is but I think about the things that he does do that makes me happy and that puts things back into prospective. Love comes in many forms and at the end of the day if you really love this guy and he really loves you then there is a way to make everyone happy. It just takes compromise on both ends.
This world is full of different types of people. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves and the whole world knows how they feel while other people tend to be more reserved and are less likely to show their emotions. Does this make either type of person bad? I don't think so. You just happened to get yourself into a situation where opposites attract. There is something about him that you were attracted to and I'm going to guess it wasn't his flamboyant romanticism.
Here is my advice. You need to stop all of the OMG I need to get the heck out of here right now and not think of anything else but that thoughts and you need to really really dig deep into yourself and ask yourself what do you really want out of life. Sometimes in life we have to make compromises in order to be happy but before you can make those compromises you need to find out what is really going to make you happy. And don't tell me that you have already done this because if you had then the decision wouldn't be made out of 2 day drama session. It would be made after a many long calm discussions and a feeling of resolve that this is for the best. From what I can tell there is just pure emotion right now and that is never the best way to make a life changing decision.
How can I say these things? It's easy... I have a wonderful man who loves me but doesn't have a single romantic bone in his body and has told me that he loves me a mere handful of times in our 12 year long relationship. I, just like you, went through a stage where I was bored and annoyed at the lack of emotion and I wanted to just get the heck out. I took the advice of a good friend (read above... almost identical
Yup there are days when he annoys me to no end with the way that he is but I think about the things that he does do that makes me happy and that puts things back into prospective. Love comes in many forms and at the end of the day if you really love this guy and he really loves you then there is a way to make everyone happy. It just takes compromise on both ends.
If that statement is in fact true, then it's a good thing you are leaving. It sounds to me like you completely lost yourself in this relationship. Your world should never revolve around any one person, no matter who it is. Not ever!
It's not selfish to be looking out for the welfare of your pets. If he is truly as emotion-less and neglectful as you have said, then you should be taking ALL of the animals with you so that you know they are being cared for and not neglected and left on their own.
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- #25
I don’t want to leave, I love him with all of my heart but we have had many sit down and let’s calmly discuss our issues. In fact, we did so 3 days ago. MrBlance was correct in a way that it is my fault. Let me tell you, my guy used to be MUCH worse. I did everything for him, and he did nothing. If I asked for help he would tell me he was tired from working all day, or he was busy on WoW so he would come 30min after I asked for help and I had already done it. I would cook everynight and he would eat it and then just sit there not helping to clean up. I would mention I was thirsty and he would agree and go get himself water not me. I can go on and on.
Also money issues. I hate asking for money. I went into debt because I started paying all the groceries and house essentials because he wouldn’t offer me money or buy things himself. When I mentioned to him I was going broke and over drafting, I even showed him an excel sheet I made he thought I over exaggerated and didn’t offer money. I can go on and on about his old bad habits. But he changed. He now helps a bit, and through sitting down and discussing we made a “cash” fund since I did all the shopping in the house. He asks everytime i do something if i need help. Now I can go on and on how much he has improved.
My problem is I am running out of patience. Yes, I love him and he is/was my world BUT after going through so much crap if he does one tiny little thing I snap. I want him to be sweet to me NOW, I want him to love me NOW, I want him to appreciate me NOW. I spent a year with a horrible guy, I sat down and discussed things to make him a better boyfriend but after all the discussing I have now run out of patience.
It's tough when you love someone but you're not happy.
That said - while they can change, you can't change them.
It sounds like you know what you want, and this isn't all of it. That sensation of needing more is your heart telling you to move along. I really commend you for not blaming him, and understanding just what your recent over-reactions have meant.
I think being on your own will be GREAT for you! It will give you so much perspective.
...when looking for new places, do NOT let it put you off if it says "no pets allowed." We ended up renting older homes instead of apartments. It meant further away from everything, but we got a yard, a lot more space, less rent (!) - and our pets. And the two homes we rented BOTH said "no pets" in the advertisement. After meeting us and discussing how we manage the cats (we don't have any dogs), they both agreed to us just paying enough extra in the security deposit to cover cleaning the carpets when we left. And we got our security deposits back.
Lots of hugs, because I know this is still really hard for you.
Laurie
I think being on your own will be GREAT for you! It will give you so much perspective.
...when looking for new places, do NOT let it put you off if it says "no pets allowed." We ended up renting older homes instead of apartments. It meant further away from everything, but we got a yard, a lot more space, less rent (!) - and our pets. And the two homes we rented BOTH said "no pets" in the advertisement. After meeting us and discussing how we manage the cats (we don't have any dogs), they both agreed to us just paying enough extra in the security deposit to cover cleaning the carpets when we left. And we got our security deposits back.
Lots of hugs, because I know this is still really hard for you.
Laurie
I am so sorry you are going through this. The saying "time heals" has truth here.
Reading your posts it looks like you two may not be compatable in some really important areas. If you stay, you may always be searching for patience and affection. Things he can't give because that is who he is. Not a bad thing for someone that is just like him.
Another way to approach this situation is every minute you stay, you are taking away from yourself and the person that is meant for you.
I say spend time concentrating on yourself and you will find the someone that appreciates who you are as a person.
Hang in there and look ahead.
Reading your posts it looks like you two may not be compatable in some really important areas. If you stay, you may always be searching for patience and affection. Things he can't give because that is who he is. Not a bad thing for someone that is just like him.
Another way to approach this situation is every minute you stay, you are taking away from yourself and the person that is meant for you.
I say spend time concentrating on yourself and you will find the someone that appreciates who you are as a person.
Hang in there and look ahead.
I agree. Don't settle for less than the ideal mate for you. I don't know how old you are, but you probably have plenty of time to find the person who will love you enough to WANT to be a real partner and who isn't looking for a "mother" to take care of him.
Your current BF took advantage of you with the cooking, chores, sex, and money, and YOU let him get away with it! If you decide to live with someone again, make sure you spell out the responsibilities (physical and financial) before you make the move.
You have to be kidding me?? Life is not boring, marriage does not have to be boring. Yes, it may be "comfortable", but it should never be boring.
My husband is my best friend, and we do lots of fun things together that we both enjoy, and try to have new experiences to MAKE life fun.
If you're 2 years into the relationship and bored with it, and frustrated then you definitely need to get out! Good on you for seeing that and doing something about it.
I hope you can find a suitable living arrangement soon!
I am not very good at giving advice about relationships, at least... not today, but I wanted to say that I really hope you find a nice apartment or small house where you can take your pets and work on exploring YOU. Good luck with your decision and whatever you do. If you aren't happy, you can't expect someone else to "make" you happy. It's up to you to solve your problems, not someone else, and you obviously are doing your best. Many and
.
AMEN! I mentor girls, teens, and tell them ALL THE TIME, every chance that i get that JUST BECAUSE you believe YOUR MAN, YOUR HUBBY wont cheat (anyone is capable in the right circumstance btw unfortunately! so scary yes!) ok, fine. BUT, what if your spouse is tragically killed in a car accident or injured so badly he cant work again and YOU have to be the head of household, whatever... etc.. EVERYONE needs to be able to take care of themselves. Not only does this give you a sense of freedom and independence but oh my gosh, your self esteem NEEDS THIS! Im not saying be a pro-woman, radical, whatever, just smart in this day and time. The best analogy I can use is the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. For example (from the movie) the charachter goes to a diner each morning for years with her significant other(s). Every morning they take her order and she just get the SAME eggs as he likes or gets such as scrambled, fried, poached, etc.. until one day she was like, what the heck...i dont even like eggs! You have to know what YOU want, feel and desire, what kind of eggs do you want? Its as simple as that. Write down a list of your PERFECT LIFE...including income, what you see in your future, your happiness and whats making you that way in your perfect list that your jotting...etc.. EVEN IF IT SEEMS SILLY DO IT for real! Write down specifics for the man, is he your husband in your perfect world, does he have dark eyes, hair, great body...etc... You have to do it with no distractions around, clear head, etc.. YOU CANT THINK ABOUT YOUR CURRENT SITUATION WHILE DOIN THIS...go into "make believe world" i mean you can put anything on this list thats ideal to you and makes you happy. Once you do, if you do, send me a message, ill tell ya whats next! ;-)
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- #32
Hey guys. Thanks for all of the great advice and support. Thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s what I love about this site, no matter what, everyone is there for you.
So far everything worked out for me. My family said they would accept me home, WITH the babies. My dad is a tough guy, he likes us to learn things the hard way before he gives in. I appreciate him for that, he has made me a better person for it.
Sunday night my boyfriend and I fought until about 3:00am. He pissed me off so bad that we went to bed at around 11:00PM. I sat in bed fuming and decided if I cant sleep, well neither can he! I got out of bed, went to the computer and started blaring Les Miserables songs. He got up and the fighting continued until 3:00am. We went to bed mad.
I woke up Monday morning to my phone sending me a reminder. It was our 2 year anniversary (we have actually been together for about 3.5, but 1.5 was long distance)… go figure. He asked me if my meeting with my boss was that day for the transfer to Toronto and I said yes. We ended up sitting down and talking about things for a good hour (we were very late for work). He promised me things would get better and asked me not to go. I think I am going to give this one more try. Our relationship has been rocky for a very long time but I have never wanted to actually leave until this time. We do love each other very much, we are best friends. Like he said, it would be a waste to break up when we have a perfect relationship other then this one extremely huge problem. If that problems goes away we will be great, and he is going to work very hard at making me happy.
I have to say, misery loves my body! I have lost 7 lbs and I look great! LOL. I guess something good came out of all that fighting haha.
Thanks again for all of your support guys.
So far everything worked out for me. My family said they would accept me home, WITH the babies. My dad is a tough guy, he likes us to learn things the hard way before he gives in. I appreciate him for that, he has made me a better person for it.
Sunday night my boyfriend and I fought until about 3:00am. He pissed me off so bad that we went to bed at around 11:00PM. I sat in bed fuming and decided if I cant sleep, well neither can he! I got out of bed, went to the computer and started blaring Les Miserables songs. He got up and the fighting continued until 3:00am. We went to bed mad.
I woke up Monday morning to my phone sending me a reminder. It was our 2 year anniversary (we have actually been together for about 3.5, but 1.5 was long distance)… go figure. He asked me if my meeting with my boss was that day for the transfer to Toronto and I said yes. We ended up sitting down and talking about things for a good hour (we were very late for work). He promised me things would get better and asked me not to go. I think I am going to give this one more try. Our relationship has been rocky for a very long time but I have never wanted to actually leave until this time. We do love each other very much, we are best friends. Like he said, it would be a waste to break up when we have a perfect relationship other then this one extremely huge problem. If that problems goes away we will be great, and he is going to work very hard at making me happy.
I have to say, misery loves my body! I have lost 7 lbs and I look great! LOL. I guess something good came out of all that fighting haha.
Thanks again for all of your support guys.
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I'm so glad everything worked out!! I was following this thread but I didn't have a lot of advice...except for I was thinking through my head "if that happened to me I'd want to leave also" so I dunno why some people said it's your problem not his. Anyways. I'm so glad you're giving it another shot and I really hope he lives up to his promise to change
If he's truly serious about making an effort, I'd try to get him to agree to couples' counselling.
Regardless, don't let yourself get too comfortable, if he goes back to his old ways, get out.
Never let him think for a minute that you won't leave, or he's very likely to stop trying after a brief time.
Good luck, I truly hope it works for the two of you.
Regardless, don't let yourself get too comfortable, if he goes back to his old ways, get out.
Never let him think for a minute that you won't leave, or he's very likely to stop trying after a brief time.
Good luck, I truly hope it works for the two of you.
I've been reading this thread and find it interesting. I've been married to my hubby coming up to 32 years. He is not a touchy-feely kind of person and doesn't often say I love you. He is hard-working and keeps our outdoor property beautiful and our cars tuned up but doesn't do many household chores. He has a beautiful, kind and caring heart and has been raised with and practices good morals. I'd love to hear "I love you" more often but I know that when he does say it he means it.
At this age I've seen the husbands that fawn over their wives, tell them I love you constantly, help out around the house and then turn around and cheat on them when they are away from home.
I'll take my hubby over one of them any day. Actions speak much louder than words and that is one true adage.
I might also add that if your man if from NB, the men there are less likely to be lovey-dovey, mushy than city boys.
If everything else about your relationship is good I would personally stick with it. Good men really are hard to find these days.
At this age I've seen the husbands that fawn over their wives, tell them I love you constantly, help out around the house and then turn around and cheat on them when they are away from home.
I'll take my hubby over one of them any day. Actions speak much louder than words and that is one true adage.
I might also add that if your man if from NB, the men there are less likely to be lovey-dovey, mushy than city boys.
i kind of suspected that once he knew your were dead serious about leaving if he truly loved you it was going to be a wake up call for him. Thats great that you guys are going to try and work thru this. good luck!
Originally Posted by Arlyn
If he's truly serious about making an effort, I'd try to get him to agree to couples' counselling.
Regardless, don't let yourself get too comfortable, if he goes back to his old ways, get out.
Never let him think for a minute that you won't leave, or he's very likely to stop trying after a brief time.
Good luck, I truly hope it works for the two of you.
I have seen my boyfriend develop over our five year relationship. He is affectionate and does say ILY.
I just wanted to address this. Not everyone will benefit from couples counselling - in fact sometimes it makes a difficult situation worse especially if one of the folks feels the counsellor is taking sides which happens more often than you would think.Originally Posted by Arlyn
If he's truly serious about making an effort, I'd try to get him to agree to couples' counselling.
Regardless, don't let yourself get too comfortable, if he goes back to his old ways, get out.
Never let him think for a minute that you won't leave, or he's very likely to stop trying after a brief time.
Good luck, I truly hope it works for the two of you.
Another thing I like to mention to young couples is that if you truly believe that you are going to change anyone's personality after you are married, think again. If not saying I love you often is the type of person he is then you either accept it and him or if you decide you cannot live with this type of person even if all other things about him are good, then you need to get out of the relationship. It is always disappointing to realize that you cannot change who people are deep down inside. Too many couples get together and marry thinking they are going to change that person - it isn't going to happen. Oh, they may change their ways to suit you for the "honeymoon period", but it won't last.
Also, one thing to remember is that he was that way when you fell in love with him and if you try to change who he is, then he won't be that person you fell in love with anymore. Too many people don't realize that when they go about trying to change their loved one.
We can all improve our behaviour to accommodate our partners and try to be better persons for both ourselves and our partners, but our partners have no right to expect us to change to become the people they want us to be. You either accept who the person is or you don't and if you can't live with who they are, then it's best to leave.
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I'm glad you're going to try working on this relationship. Three and a half years is a lot of time invested just to walk away.
Something my DH does to make me say "I love you" is prompt me. Yes, that may seem silly but my head's usually elsewhere. It can become habit after time.
Good luck to both of you.
Something my DH does to make me say "I love you" is prompt me. Yes, that may seem silly but my head's usually elsewhere. It can become habit after time.
Good luck to both of you.
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Lol but if it's habit then it's not meaningful is it? That's one issue I have with my boyfriend. He says "i love you" a lot, he compliments me a lot, sends flowers and all that sweet stuff but I feel like he forces himself to do these things because he knows women like this stuff, but I want it to be truthful and from his heart! It's not that I don't think he loves me, I just sometimes have to tell him that he doesn't have to do this that I believe him and that his action show that he loves me more than all that mushy stuff. It's hard to be completely 100% happy with everything in a relationship!
