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I have decided to leave my boyfriend - Page 2

post #31 of 43
AMEN! I mentor girls, teens, and tell them ALL THE TIME, every chance that i get that JUST BECAUSE you believe YOUR MAN, YOUR HUBBY wont cheat (anyone is capable in the right circumstance btw unfortunately! so scary yes!) ok, fine. BUT, what if your spouse is tragically killed in a car accident or injured so badly he cant work again and YOU have to be the head of household, whatever... etc.. EVERYONE needs to be able to take care of themselves. Not only does this give you a sense of freedom and independence but oh my gosh, your self esteem NEEDS THIS! Im not saying be a pro-woman, radical, whatever, just smart in this day and time. The best analogy I can use is the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. For example (from the movie) the charachter goes to a diner each morning for years with her significant other(s). Every morning they take her order and she just get the SAME eggs as he likes or gets such as scrambled, fried, poached, etc.. until one day she was like, what the heck...i dont even like eggs! You have to know what YOU want, feel and desire, what kind of eggs do you want? Its as simple as that. Write down a list of your PERFECT LIFE...including income, what you see in your future, your happiness and whats making you that way in your perfect list that your jotting...etc.. EVEN IF IT SEEMS SILLY DO IT for real! Write down specifics for the man, is he your husband in your perfect world, does he have dark eyes, hair, great body...etc... You have to do it with no distractions around, clear head, etc.. YOU CANT THINK ABOUT YOUR CURRENT SITUATION WHILE DOIN THIS...go into "make believe world" i mean you can put anything on this list thats ideal to you and makes you happy. Once you do, if you do, send me a message, ill tell ya whats next! ;-)
post #32 of 43
Thread Starter 
Hey guys. Thanks for all of the great advice and support. That’s what I love about this site, no matter what, everyone is there for you.

So far everything worked out for me. My family said they would accept me home, WITH the babies. My dad is a tough guy, he likes us to learn things the hard way before he gives in. I appreciate him for that, he has made me a better person for it.

Sunday night my boyfriend and I fought until about 3:00am. He pissed me off so bad that we went to bed at around 11:00PM. I sat in bed fuming and decided if I cant sleep, well neither can he! I got out of bed, went to the computer and started blaring Les Miserables songs. He got up and the fighting continued until 3:00am. We went to bed mad.

I woke up Monday morning to my phone sending me a reminder. It was our 2 year anniversary (we have actually been together for about 3.5, but 1.5 was long distance)… go figure. He asked me if my meeting with my boss was that day for the transfer to Toronto and I said yes. We ended up sitting down and talking about things for a good hour (we were very late for work). He promised me things would get better and asked me not to go. I think I am going to give this one more try. Our relationship has been rocky for a very long time but I have never wanted to actually leave until this time. We do love each other very much, we are best friends. Like he said, it would be a waste to break up when we have a perfect relationship other then this one extremely huge problem. If that problems goes away we will be great, and he is going to work very hard at making me happy.

I have to say, misery loves my body! I have lost 7 lbs and I look great! LOL. I guess something good came out of all that fighting haha.

Thanks again for all of your support guys.
post #33 of 43
I'm so glad everything worked out!! I was following this thread but I didn't have a lot of advice...except for I was thinking through my head "if that happened to me I'd want to leave also" so I dunno why some people said it's your problem not his. Anyways. I'm so glad you're giving it another shot and I really hope he lives up to his promise to change
post #34 of 43
If he's truly serious about making an effort, I'd try to get him to agree to couples' counselling.
Regardless, don't let yourself get too comfortable, if he goes back to his old ways, get out.
Never let him think for a minute that you won't leave, or he's very likely to stop trying after a brief time.

Good luck, I truly hope it works for the two of you.
post #35 of 43
I've been reading this thread and find it interesting. I've been married to my hubby coming up to 32 years. He is not a touchy-feely kind of person and doesn't often say I love you. He is hard-working and keeps our outdoor property beautiful and our cars tuned up but doesn't do many household chores. He has a beautiful, kind and caring heart and has been raised with and practices good morals. I'd love to hear "I love you" more often but I know that when he does say it he means it.

At this age I've seen the husbands that fawn over their wives, tell them I love you constantly, help out around the house and then turn around and cheat on them when they are away from home.

I'll take my hubby over one of them any day. Actions speak much louder than words and that is one true adage.

I might also add that if your man if from NB, the men there are less likely to be lovey-dovey, mushy than city boys. If everything else about your relationship is good I would personally stick with it. Good men really are hard to find these days.
post #36 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaloneysMom View Post

I woke up Monday morning to my phone sending me a reminder. It was our 2 year anniversary (we have actually been together for about 3.5, but 1.5 was long distance)… go figure. He asked me if my meeting with my boss was that day for the transfer to Toronto and I said yes. We ended up sitting down and talking about things for a good hour (we were very late for work). He promised me things would get better and asked me not to go. I think I am going to give this one more try. Our relationship has been rocky for a very long time but I have never wanted to actually leave until this time. We do love each other very much, we are best friends. Like he said, it would be a waste to break up when we have a perfect relationship other then this one extremely huge problem. If that problems goes away we will be great, and he is going to work very hard at making me happy.


i kind of suspected that once he knew your were dead serious about leaving if he truly loved you it was going to be a wake up call for him. Thats great that you guys are going to try and work thru this. good luck!
post #37 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arlyn View Post
If he's truly serious about making an effort, I'd try to get him to agree to couples' counselling.
Regardless, don't let yourself get too comfortable, if he goes back to his old ways, get out.
Never let him think for a minute that you won't leave, or he's very likely to stop trying after a brief time.

Good luck, I truly hope it works for the two of you.
I fully agree with that statement.... but I also know that what Yosemite said is correct. Hey - the quiet ones can cheat, too.

I have seen my boyfriend develop over our five year relationship. He is affectionate and does say ILY.
post #38 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arlyn View Post
If he's truly serious about making an effort, I'd try to get him to agree to couples' counselling.
Regardless, don't let yourself get too comfortable, if he goes back to his old ways, get out.
Never let him think for a minute that you won't leave, or he's very likely to stop trying after a brief time.

Good luck, I truly hope it works for the two of you.
I just wanted to address this. Not everyone will benefit from couples counselling - in fact sometimes it makes a difficult situation worse especially if one of the folks feels the counsellor is taking sides which happens more often than you would think.

Another thing I like to mention to young couples is that if you truly believe that you are going to change anyone's personality after you are married, think again. If not saying I love you often is the type of person he is then you either accept it and him or if you decide you cannot live with this type of person even if all other things about him are good, then you need to get out of the relationship. It is always disappointing to realize that you cannot change who people are deep down inside. Too many couples get together and marry thinking they are going to change that person - it isn't going to happen. Oh, they may change their ways to suit you for the "honeymoon period", but it won't last.

Also, one thing to remember is that he was that way when you fell in love with him and if you try to change who he is, then he won't be that person you fell in love with anymore. Too many people don't realize that when they go about trying to change their loved one.

We can all improve our behaviour to accommodate our partners and try to be better persons for both ourselves and our partners, but our partners have no right to expect us to change to become the people they want us to be. You either accept who the person is or you don't and if you can't live with who they are, then it's best to leave.
post #39 of 43
I'm glad you're going to try working on this relationship. Three and a half years is a lot of time invested just to walk away.

Something my DH does to make me say "I love you" is prompt me. Yes, that may seem silly but my head's usually elsewhere. It can become habit after time.

Good luck to both of you.
post #40 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
Something my DH does to make me say "I love you" is prompt me. Yes, that may seem silly but my head's usually elsewhere. It can become habit after time.
Lol but if it's habit then it's not meaningful is it? That's one issue I have with my boyfriend. He says "i love you" a lot, he compliments me a lot, sends flowers and all that sweet stuff but I feel like he forces himself to do these things because he knows women like this stuff, but I want it to be truthful and from his heart! It's not that I don't think he loves me, I just sometimes have to tell him that he doesn't have to do this that I believe him and that his action show that he loves me more than all that mushy stuff. It's hard to be completely 100% happy with everything in a relationship!
post #41 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by ut0pia View Post
It's hard to be completely 100% happy with everything in a relationship!
It's impossible. Anytime you put two people in extended contact with each other, especially under the same roof, it's a bit of an experiment. Either they'll get along fine, split, or try to kill each other (not really, but people get the point).

As for the habit not being meaningful. It's not that, it's just that I had to be put into the habit of actually saying it instead of assuming he knew.

How long have you been with your boyfriend? If not too long, the mushy stuff will taper off eventually. Don't complain about it now or you'll just confuse him. If you don't want him spending lots of money on things, take over a bit and help plan activities. Hint at what you do like, but don't criticize what he's doing.
post #42 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
It's impossible. Anytime you put two people in extended contact with each other, especially under the same roof, it's a bit of an experiment. Either they'll get along fine, split, or try to kill each other (not really, but people get the point).

As for the habit not being meaningful. It's not that, it's just that I had to be put into the habit of actually saying it instead of assuming he knew.

How long have you been with your boyfriend? If not too long, the mushy stuff will taper off eventually. Don't complain about it now or you'll just confuse him. If you don't want him spending lots of money on things, take over a bit and help plan activities. Hint at what you do like, but don't criticize what he's doing.
lol we've been together 3 years and 7 months. I confuse the hell out of him. At first I complained about him doing too much mushy stuff then he became completely closed off wouldn't look at me and was like acting so weird. And I was like whats wrong and he said well u told me not to be mushy LOL. It was really crazy now I think he's finding the balance but at least I've learned not go after him like that...If he's too mushy now I just don't say anything but change the subject to some more serious topic and get his attention on it. And it's surprisng how he realizes that i'm changing the topic because I'm not enjoying what he's currently doing he gets the idea without me having to directly address it because his overall behavior has changed not just when I change the topic. And another thing was we were in high school together and I was like I HATE to kiss and hug in public places and I told him lets just not do it so he became completely unaffectionate towards me in public places and I didn't mean for him be like that...But after high school ended things became so much better for both of us! Our relationship became amazing after that in so many aspects...
post #43 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
I just wanted to address this. Not everyone will benefit from couples counselling - in fact sometimes it makes a difficult situation worse especially if one of the folks feels the counsellor is taking sides which happens more often than you would think.

Another thing I like to mention to young couples is that if you truly believe that you are going to change anyone's personality after you are married, think again. If not saying I love you often is the type of person he is then you either accept it and him or if you decide you cannot live with this type of person even if all other things about him are good, then you need to get out of the relationship. It is always disappointing to realize that you cannot change who people are deep down inside. Too many couples get together and marry thinking they are going to change that person - it isn't going to happen. Oh, they may change their ways to suit you for the "honeymoon period", but it won't last.

Also, one thing to remember is that he was that way when you fell in love with him and if you try to change who he is, then he won't be that person you fell in love with anymore. Too many people don't realize that when they go about trying to change their loved one.

We can all improve our behaviour to accommodate our partners and try to be better persons for both ourselves and our partners, but our partners have no right to expect us to change to become the people they want us to be. You either accept who the person is or you don't and if you can't live with who they are, then it's best to leave.
Linda, what a beautiful post.

Baloney's mom - I'm so glad you've gotten to a place you're happy with!



Laurie
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