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Out of the loop? *semi-vent*

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
So it seems 95% of the time, my family keeps me out of the loop. My parents and younger brother live 3 hours from me, just outside Charlotte. I haven't seen them since April at our house warming, and we haven't been to their house since right before moving into our own in January. This weekend we're going back up for Memorial Day weekend to spend some relaxing time away and visit. My dad emails me today and says

"your mom had that mole removed and it'll be 5-7 days til we get results. Oh and her colonoscopy was done too and they found a polyp the size of a match head but aren't worried about it. She's fine and sleeping now."

Ok, he was talking as if I knew what mole or scheduled procedure he is even talking about!! I had no idea there was anything of concern going on. Just like another time they kept me out of the loop about some liver tests she had because some levels were elevated. Turned out to be nothing in the end, but argh, seems like no one ever tells me anything anymore, and when they finally do, they talk like I actually knew about it in the first place.

Just needed to vent a little. No one really communicates well in my family either. Like if I tell my dad I'm coming to visit, my mom wont know about it until 1. I show up, or 2. when I'm on my way and call to let them know we're on the interstate. He wont tell her anything half the time, so I've had to get into the habit of emailing both of them separately to make sure the message gets across. Neither of them told me anything about suspicious moles though. (My mom DOES tan just about everyday at a salon and has for YEARS, so it would make sense to check out a mole).

Of course, my grandma only told me about a cancerous lump they found in her side a couple years ago. She didnt tell my mom until this past year. She's fine, they got it all, but no one wants anyone else in the family to know things I guess! Its kind of worrisome in a way. Like if something WAS wrong, and no one decided to tell me.

post #2 of 8
What a bummer. I converse with my parents/sister quite a bit soI am current with stuff. On my husbands side with 7 brothers/sisters/ 17 nieces/nephews and about 30 of their children I don't know whats going on with them all.

Maybe you could speak with your parents asking them to let you know about the medical stuff?? I know its easier said than done though.
post #3 of 8
I'm sorry.

My il's are the same way. They don't tell us medical stuff because they "don't want to worry us". Like when my mil was admitted into the hospital after she broke her leg b/c she got a blood clot and almost suffered a stroke. Didn't hear about that one until she'd been in the hospital for a couple of days. SIGH.

I know we live 600 miles away. I know there is NOTHING we can do if something happens. BTDT with my dad almost 5 years ago. But we WANT to know.

My il's also would have NEVER told us that my niece was pregnant (she's 25 and unmarried). They weren't happy about it. Even now- with her safely in her 4th month they still say NOTHING to us about it. SIGH.

Maybe telling them gently that even though telling you bad news is hard, you need to know both the good and the bad.

post #4 of 8
Thread Starter 
Seems my IL's are sort of similar - Rob didn't know that his grandpa had been diagnosed with slight emphysema a few months ago. They even came down from Maine and visited and no one said anything. A week or 2 ago his mom is like "oh yeah Pepe was diagnosed with it but they have him on medication and he should be fine as always." I believe it was also an uncle of his he found out WAY after the fact that he had pancreatic or stomach cancer.

I actually dont see what my dad told me as super horrible news, really. The polyp supposedly isnt worrisome to anyone. The mole can go either way right now, but if there IS something wrong with it, it'd be an early catch & hopefully there'll be nothing to worry about. I just dont see why no one wants to mention anything, and when they do, they act like I've known about it all along! Oy.

When I responded to his email I said I was out of the loop, and had no idea what he was talking about. Maybe that will push him in the direction of telling me sooner that there is something suspicious, rather than waiting. I would have chalked it up to his forgetfulness, but my mom hadnt told me either and I talked to her over the weekend. Maybe when we're up there this weekend I'll mention something. It IS easier said than done, but I feel like no one wants me to know anything sometimes.
post #5 of 8
This reminds me of something my grandparents forgot to mention to my mom or I. Mothers Day, moms phoning and phoning to wish Grandma a Happy Moms Day. I take the lazy route and email her. I get an email the next day
"sorry we're in England right now, should be home within the week"... ummm Moms panicking because she thinks you're hurt and you're in England! Blah!

Sorry to hear that your family doesn't share either.
post #6 of 8
My family is a little like that too. Of course, they hold a double standard though. IE: I miscarrie a little over a year ago. I was only 9 weeks along but it was still hard and having my mother doting over me at the hospital just made it harder. She, of course, thought she was helping. So, when we got pregnant again last fall, we waitid until I was 12 week and had heard the heart beat to tell anyone. She accused me of being "sneaky". So, FF and she calls me last night to ask how I am. I told her "Still pregnant" (I'm due in a few days). She procedes to tell me that's good because they were in the hospital all day with their phones off because my dad was having cataract surgery! But I guess I didn't need to know? *shrug* What can you do? My in-laws are the exact opposite... they talk about EVERYTHING! It's not any better that way sometimes.
post #7 of 8
All families are different. Some go to one extreme, as in your case, of not communicating well. The other extreme would be always in your face.

Have you ever watched the TV show Brothers & Sisters? That's my family, always in your face. If anyone in the family gets so much as a zit, everyone knows within minutes. There's no secrets here! It can be exhausting sometimes but I'm glad we are so close.

My brother's IL's are like your family, and his MIL says "You have your own lives and are busy". It drives him crazy.

Like others have said, it could be that your family doesn't want to worry you. I'm not sure how I'd handle that but I'd definitely tell them that you worry when they DON'T keep you updated.

that your mom's results come back fine!
post #8 of 8
My family is the same way... I didn't know my mother was in an accident with a garbage truck until months later. Mind you, the woman shouldn't be driving, so I immediately asked about it... turns out she was at the light at the bottom of the hill and the truck driver was going faster than he was supposed to and his brakes gave out... he managed to swerve onto the sidewalk and nearby empty lot and not cause a worse accient. No one was on the sidewalk... not many folks walk in that town! I think he clipped her bumper but didn't do worse...

My family doesn't talk much... I doubt my brother even knows I was in the hospital last fall... he just does his own thing. I live about 600 miles away from all of them, so I am usually the last to know about much of anything. Now, my sister and I are friended on Facebook... so I know more about her life than i ever REALLY wanted... *shudders* Of course, now i know what her boyfriend looks like... and his name, which is more than I can get out of my dad.

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