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Need to Vent...

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
I'm a pretty private person and don't typically share like this over the internet, but I really need to get some stuff out of my head. I warn in advance this will probably be long and a little incoherent, but I would really appreciate it if some folks here took the time to read it, especially if you can relate.

A little background on me: I'm a really quiet person. I don't like the term shy, because that to me has a negative connotation. I am quiet in that I don't talk much, especially in group situations. I can talk your ear off in a one-on-one situation (as long as I have something to talk about...or you're someone I know really well), but when there is a group (even 3 or more) people, it's like I just would rather listen than talk. If I have something I feel is important to say, I'll say it. But, I just don't need to talk that much. And I really don't do well in group situations, or when I'm put on the spot by someone (and I don't do small talk well). I have been like this my whole life. I was a quiet kid who got along with everyone, but never really felt I had a place. Here and there, I would find someone I would really "click" with and that is all I needed. I remember going to "parties" when I was in the middle school grades and I would seriously hide in the bathroom and cry. I just didn't handle the group dynamic well and always felt out of place. I would say that I was probably clinically depressed from Grade 7-9. Finally, in Grade 10, I found a group of girls who I felt I fit with, and didn't struggle so much socially. However, when I went away for university, I had a hard time again (not good at meeting new people and I'm not someone who makes an impression). It passed, I made a great group of friends....although I always had periods, even with my closest friends, where I felt I didn't quite fit (depression/spiral thinking was a part of that).

Flash forward a few years. I live with my boyfriend, have two cats, spend time with my family, and am pretty happy in that regard. I thought all this awkward forced-social stuff was over. I was wrong. I am a teacher. I'm not sure what teaching is like in other areas, but here, it is VERY hard to get a full-time teaching job. I have been covering maternity/sick leaves for 3 years now, which is pretty normal around here. I've spent most of those 3 years teaching at my current school, and like the school a lot. I like the people I work with for the most part, love the students, and like that I know where I'm going and who everyone is (including most of the students' names).

However, as comfortable as I am, I am still me. I am still quiet, and I go to school to teach, not to socialize. I have a great relationship with my grade partners (Kindergarten teacher), a friendly relationship with other teachers I see regularly, and a casual relationship with people I mainly see in passing (exchange the regular pleasantries, but as I said, I'm not one for small talk and I'm usually quite busy during the day). I've worked at the school half-time (every other day), so I haven't had any real opportunities to coach any teams or run any clubs (difficult when you're not there everyday, and when you're supplying at other schools). This year, I have helped out with a few things, but things that are lower-profile and easily go unnoticed (which is fine with me). As a new teacher, I'm at the school to 6pm a lot of nights as it is.....it is more important to me that I be a good teacher IN the classroom....I would love to get involved in more extracurriculars, but not if it takes away from my teaching.

However, I'm finding that my quiet personality is really effecting my job opportunities. I go about my business, and am not one to "toot my own horn" about all the wonderful things that I do. I am confident that I do a good job in the classroom, and know that the colleagues I work closely with feel the same way. I enjoy working with the children, and they make good progress. But, I'm also not the type of person to go on and on about how cute the children are, how much I love them, how attached I am to them, etc. I am not a "rainbows and butterflies" type of person...I don't go ga-ga over babies in the mall. I may think things....but I just don't feel the need to put them into word....I couldn't even if I tried.

Continually, I see people with those social, "rainbows and butterflies" personalities be chosen for jobs, etc over me based not on their teaching abilities or qualifications, but on their personalities. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. People tell me that I need to "play the game" and be more "in your face" when it comes to principals/vice principals, but they might as well be telling me to grow a third arm. I can't change my personality - if I could have, I would have many years ago. I'm fine with who I am....but I wish principals/others would judge me based on my ability and knowledge, not the fact that I don't chit chat with people.

Sigh, I just wonder if I'll ever be able to be completely happy with my quiet personality. I'm fine with it as a person, but it feels like a handicap when I am forced into social situations that I would just prefer not to be in in the first place - or when people judge me about it.

The funny thing is....teachers love students like me...the quiet kids do what they are asked and don't cause anyone any grief...too bad they don't love when those kids grow up to be colleagues.

If you made it this far, thank you . I'm not sure that I got everything out to make this completely clear, but it feels a bit better to at least get some of my thoughts out.
post #2 of 22
First of all, thank you for sharing. I'm certain there are others out here who have a similiar personality as you do.... it took alot to tell us your thoughts, and I hope you do feel better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zoeysmom View Post
I'm fine with who I am....but I wish principals/others would judge me based on my ability and knowledge, not the fact that I don't chit chat with people.

Sigh, I just wonder if I'll ever be able to be completely happy with my quiet personality. I'm fine with it as a person, but it feels like a handicap when I am forced into social situations that I would just prefer not to be in in the first place - or when people judge me about it.
Sometimes, and I am not saying this is right, people think of quiet people as snobs. People who don't socialise much can be viewed as snotty/uppity/etc. People feel quiet ones are that way because they feel they are above others, so in turn, others feel threatened by quiet ones.... does that make sense?

In a perfect world, noone would judge anyone based on outward appearances. Unfortunately we all know that isn't going to happen. I'd like to think of myself as fairly non-judgemental, but I know I do do it with people I don't know...Thinking to myself "she's a rich snob" based on looks, clothing, etc.

I hope you can find a happy medium with your life/personality. Quiet is not a bad thing
post #3 of 22
I can definitely relate. I'm very shy. I hate the word too. I like being with people, I'm just shy. I don't have any advice, I struggle very much with it too.
post #4 of 22
You sound like you have an inverted personality type. Unfortunately more people are extroverted and in society that's deemed to be "normal".


Would you be interest in taking this http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp and sharing what your type is?
post #5 of 22
sorry, couldn't resist taking the quiz.

Your Type is
ISFP
Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Strength of the preferences %
33 62 50 22

There's several parts to the definition that are wrong in application to me, but I'd say bout 80% of it is right.... very interesting quiz.

Would you happen to have any other good personality quizzes?
post #6 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snake_Lady View Post
sorry, couldn't resist taking the quiz.

Your Type is
ISFP
Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Strength of the preferences %
33 62 50 22

There's several parts to the definition that are wrong in application to me, but I'd say bout 80% of it is right.... very interesting quiz.

Would you happen to have any other good personality quizzes?
I had a thread for it a while back, maybe a year before you joined? I really wanted the mods to take the test, but I don't think any did - I had a theory that we have several ISTJ (responsible rule and duty) types.

I knew you'd be introverted, but hadn't thought for the rest. There is Enneagram testing, but I didn't like it as much and never saved any of the decent tests for it. You can always look it up, and look up "ISFP MBTI" more. I've seen other descriptions of that personality type that says the type is very likely to be animal lovers, too.


I'm mostly interested to see what the OP will get because that may help me give her some suggestions. INTx types for example can really have social issues until they learn to act. F's may be more easily overwhelmed and worry about how others feel a little more than a T, too.
post #7 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
I had a thread for it a while back, maybe a year before you joined? I really wanted the mods to take the test, but I don't think any did - I had a theory that we have several ISTJ (responsible rule and duty) types.

I knew you'd be introverted, but hadn't thought for the rest. There is Enneagram testing, but I didn't like it as much and never saved any of the decent tests for it. You can always look it up, and look up "ISFP MBTI" more. I've seen other descriptions of the personality type that says the type is very likely to be animal lovers, too.


I'm mostly interested to see what the OP will get because that may help me give her some suggestions. INTx types for example can really have social issues until they learn to act. F's may be more easily overwhelmed and worry about how others feel a little more than a T, too.
Funny, I never thought of myself as shy....but slightly introverted due to the panic disorder, aside from that part, nope, not shy in the least.

Unfortunately as with most of those tests, there's answers that are not a yes or no answer, they are a sometimes answer. So I went back to those questions and changed the answers and got

Your Type is
ESFJ
Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
11 12 62 11

I'm quite curious as to what the other people would get, as to whether they agree with it or not.
post #8 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snake_Lady View Post
Funny, I never thought of myself as shy....but slightly introverted due to the panic disorder, aside from that part, nope, not shy in the least.

Unfortunately as with most of those tests, there's answers that are not a yes or no answer, they are a sometimes answer. So I went back to those questions and changed the answers and got

Your Type is
ESFJ
Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
11 12 62 11

I'm quite curious as to what the other people would get, as to whether they agree with it or not.
Introverted and shy are two different things. Shy would be more of not really liking to interact with people due to how they may act towards you - fearing interaction. Introverted is just more of needing time specifically for you, wind down time in other words. If you can spend an evening at home, alone or mostly left alone, and be happy - you're an introvert. If going out regularly and being around a lot of people makes you happy, and you do not feel that need to recoup, you more likely an extrovert.
Look at your percentages, too. Either you're a moderate introvert or you're a very low extrovert. But sure, that test is not perfect - though I think it pegged you for a feeler type correctly. You do seem to have a lot of empathy, which is never a bad thing unless you let yourself get over whelmed (maybe part of the panic problem? ).

I'm not shy, I was as a child but not as much now. Though I prefer to not be the center of attention, either, it's an uncomfortable feeling to know that others are judging you. I' always test INTJ
and it fits me fairly well.
The J - judging isn't for actually judging, either, it's more for actually completing and putting your thoughts into actions. Getting a conclusion.
post #9 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
INTx types for example can really have social issues until they learn to act. F's may be more easily overwhelmed and worry about how others feel a little more than a T, too.
while this may be true, sometimes we NTs are at a disadvantage because we simply aren't as aware of how our actions/non-actions are perceived.
post #10 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by laureen227 View Post
while this may be true, sometimes we NTs are at a disadvantage because we simply aren't as aware of how our actions/non-actions are perceived.
Oh believe me, I know. I'll state simple facts that anyone can research if they wish to do so and some people take it as some sort of personal attack. Oh well.
post #11 of 22
I can relate...I'm so sorry your personality is affecting your job opportunities. There is nothing wrong with this type of personality and it's so unfortunate and sad that we live in a world where people are judged more on their personality types than qualifications.
post #12 of 22
I took that test also...This is what I got:

Your Type is
INFJ
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
44 62 62 1

I clicked on some of the links and read some very interesting things about my personality profile....There is also a link to best jobs for these personality types. Mine was counselor.
post #13 of 22
I agree with the comment that sometimes people think quiet people are snobby. I have had people tell me before that at first impression I seemed snobby because I was quiet. And its really strange to me that anyone would think that of me So...it could be that maybe? But thats just a shot in the dark.
post #14 of 22
Thread Starter 
First off, thank you to everyone for the responses. It is nice to hear that some people can relate.

I did take the test, and here are my results:

INTJ

89 12 38 78

I was reading some of the follow up information, and much of it hit the nail right on the head.

For those who mentioned that quiet people are often seen as "stuck up" or "snobby," this has occurred to me, and I've mentioned it to a colleague or two. There's not much I can do about it...I always say hi to people in the halls, and make small talk as much as I can (although I don't spend a ton of time in the staff room....I make an effort to go there on a semi-regular basis, but some days I'm hard pressed to even eat my lunch, let alone sit down while doing it!).

I'm hoping that at some point, someone will be able to see the kind of teacher I am, regardless of how I do or do not interact with my colleagues. I'll just have to wait it out!
post #15 of 22
An INTJ! No wonder you have some problems with people - that and you seem to be rather introverted. You're judging is much higher than mine, so you probably really feel off base when you can't get resolution to something. (why this may be really really bothering you)

There's an INTJ forum if you feel like prowling around it a bit to see how other's discuss and really pick apart personality types.

All you can do is try to force yourself to get more involved in school related events. It's hard and you'll probably wish you were elsewhere most of the time. Other times it might just be best to nod, smile, and agree. Think of it as some project, like studying animals in their natural environment, learn what you can to fit in - if at least on the surface. Probably best to keep deeper thoughts and analysis of things around you to yourself unless with those like minded (other NTs) to yourself that actually enjoy such topics. Brush up on small talk - tv, town events, etc.
post #16 of 22
When you were decribing yourself I thought it sounded familiar.....here's my test results:
Your Type is
INTJ
Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judging
Strength of the preferences %
78 50 25 44


I think I'm getting better in the small talk department. Working in a small town Post Office will do that to you, LOL. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to go along with the crowd, to pretend to fit in. Not fun, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
post #17 of 22
I'm not really shy at all. I am introverted because I enjoy spending time at home with DH or alone with a book, but I don't mind people (especially smallish groups) and don't avoid them. I don't mind making small talk or chatting with strangers. My problem? I always say something awkward. I have trouble finding common ground with most people. I am somewhat eccentric in my hobbies and interests, and don't read the local paper, so after things like the weather, I often end up mentioning why the latest super hero movie was so awesome or some thing from a book I read, and then... BOOM, I've alienated the people. I also stink at butt kissing. I am always the "weird one." Instead of spending my lunch break chatting with a bunch of co-workers, I will read a really good book (because 1. the book might be awesome and 2. I will probably embarrass myself).

So anyway, in a way... I get where you are coming from. I WANT to talk to people, I want to be their friends and I want them to like me, and most of the time, they just don't. If I am lucky, I will find other people with similar interests that will be animated and excited about the latest book by R.A. Salvatore or whether Batman or Spiderman would win a fight. So, I am not the one picked for advancement and I am not the one who is popular in an office. I am the dork that gets picked on. I wish you the best of luck. I wish I had good advice, but I don't. You always seem like such a sweet person on TCS, and you deserve to be treated well. I hope things turn around for you, and people recognize you for the talented teacher you are.

I also took the personality test:

Your Type is:
INFP
Introverted\tIntuitive\tFeeling\tPerceiving
Strength of the preferences %
11\t38\t62\t67

I'm really not sure if the description applies to me or not. I like the test though. When I was a kid, it used to come out as "ENFP" but that was before I realized that "introvert" didn't necessarily mean shy. I have always preferred books to large groups of people. I never go to bars. I have actually only been to a bar less than half a dozen times and I just turned 26. I would much rather socialize at home or a friend's house with friends rather than go out and meet a bunch of strangers.
post #18 of 22
Zoeysmom, after reading your post my first reaction was "Wow, that must have been hard to write!" I think just sharing that with us is a great first step in wanting to tackle the problem your shyness may be causing in receiving the recognition you deserve.

I have no experience with the teaching or administrative end of a career in education. My best friend was a grade school teacher. From all of her stories when we were roommates, my guess is that being shy is a hindrance. I think strange wings has good advice: look at it as a project, and make the effort to get involved in the school(s) and related events. NEVER be afraid to start a conversation with "Hi, I'm xxxxx, and it's my nature to be painfully shy, but I'm working on it, and I really look forward to..... " it gets it out there, and at least others will know that when you're quiet, it's not because you're snobby. Of course, that's easier said than done.


***********************
I had fun taking the test! I'm feeling REALLY strange because of the results. A "1" in "thinking" doesn't mean I don't use my brain, does it? My results were

INTJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging)

(strange wings, I used to be a mod. )

Strength of preferences (%):

44 62 1 33


For careers, it says I'd be best in Natural Science, Natural Science Education, Informations Service Specialist, Computer Programming, a Lawyer, or Librarian. (I'm in finance - an equity research analyst. I guess that kind of combines the librarian (organizing info), the lawyer (building a case based on research) and computer programming (financial modeling)). ????????

The description mentioned being a perfectionist - and that is SO true.

************************

Anyway, I agree with Zorana Dragonky. You do always seem so sweet here, and you do deserve to be treated well! I, too, hope things turn around for you and you get the recognition you deserve.

Laurie
post #19 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDG View Post
I had fun taking the test! I'm feeling REALLY strange because of the results. A "1" in "thinking" doesn't mean I don't use my brain, does it? My results
LOL! No, it just means that you're thinking side isn't what you rely on as much to help make your choices. You use empathy and emotions, too.

INTJs can take leader roles, but depending on the person it tends to be more of a "if no one else can, I will" sort of thing.


It's really not that common of a type. More will be found online than say, you'd normally bump into out on the street in one day. Which probably accounts for there being several here.
post #20 of 22
Hon, while reading your post I was thinking "wow...I could have written that!" That's pretty much the same way I am. I go to work, do my job (and I'm darn good at it too) and don't get involved in all the butt kissing, back biting politics of the place. I figure what's the point? I'm NOT a butt kisser and that's not going to change so if I don't get the good schedule because I don't compliment the boss on her pea green sweater that looks terrible on her, so be it. At least when I give a compliment it's because I mean it, not because I'm trying to "make points" with the powers that be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm friendly to people (just like you), and I'm not stuck up or snobbish, but I'm taken that way a lot. During our "down time" at work (basically, when we're waiting for another call) my nose is usually buried in a book. I join in the conversation when it's something that interests me, but I don't have the intense desire to find out every little thing about my neighbor's life like some people seem to have. Although, if someone NEEDS to talk about a problem I'm more than willing to listen and try to help if they want.

Hang in there. You're good at your job, and that will shine through. More people than you know probably recognize it. When it comes to jobs...it's mainly politics. Yeah, I thought we got over that in high school.

But, I do want to say how much I admire you for being a teacher! That is one job I don't think I could do. It takes so many patience and so much dedication to be a good teacher and I have no doubt that you are one of the best!

Now, to go take that test.....
post #21 of 22
Ok, here's my score:

Your Type is
ISFP
Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Strength of the preferences %
89 1 25 56
post #22 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
LOL! No, it just means that you're thinking side isn't what you rely on as much to help make your choices. You use empathy and emotions, too.

INTJs can take leader roles, but depending on the person it tends to be more of a "if no one else can, I will" sort of thing.


It's really not that common of a type. More will be found online than say, you'd normally bump into out on the street in one day. Which probably accounts for there being several here.
Well that's a relief. ...and I believe more will be found online. I am FAR MORE SOCIAL on line than in my "not online" life. (I don't call it "real" life vs. the Net anymore, because the Net is part of my real life, and I've made real friends here).

Laurie
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