Need to get this out... (sadness warning!)

darkmavis · May 10, 2009

Well I don't have much of an update. My dad's still hanging in there. Yesterday my stepmom said to me 'I don't know what to tell you about getting a ticket back to California..' because a week ago the nurses were telling her he probably wouldn't make it to the end of the week. He's had a few 'good' days, Thursday he was awake and alert and talking a bit, Friday, not so much so, and yesterday he was a bit better. Although my stepmom said yesterday that he was having a really good day, and he didn't look as good as on Thursday, and his breathing was pretty hard. So I just don't know. I know if I went back home I'd be worthless at work anyway, just thinking about my dad, so since my boss wants me to take care of things here, that's what I'm doing. Put in simple terms, it just sucks so bad. My face hurts from crying. I cry too much I guess, even last night I was over at my cousin's house (she's my best friend too) and she went to bed but her husband and i talked (and i cried a bunch) until after 3AM about it, he lost his dad a few years ago too. But it helps to have people for support, including all of you. Thanks again. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and try to keep you updated.

jcat · May 10, 2009

Hang in there.

rosiemac · May 10, 2009

Originally Posted by DarkMavis

I know if I went back home I'd be worthless at work anyway, just thinking about my dad, so since my boss wants me to take care of things here, that's what I'm doing.

I would stay as well, because odds on the minute you got back home something would happen

The waiting is the hardest, you want them to go and be free from any suffering, but another part of you wants them to stay. But i can guarantee if your dad starts to really suffer with pain, you'll be praying for him to be set free

Were all beside you with this

calico2222 · May 10, 2009

Originally Posted by DarkMavis

Well I don't have much of an update. My dad's still hanging in there. Yesterday my stepmom said to me 'I don't know what to tell you about getting a ticket back to California..' because a week ago the nurses were telling her he probably wouldn't make it to the end of the week. He's had a few 'good' days, Thursday he was awake and alert and talking a bit, Friday, not so much so, and yesterday he was a bit better. Although my stepmom said yesterday that he was having a really good day, and he didn't look as good as on Thursday, and his breathing was pretty hard. So I just don't know. I know if I went back home I'd be worthless at work anyway, just thinking about my dad, so since my boss wants me to take care of things here, that's what I'm doing. Put in simple terms, it just sucks so bad. My face hurts from crying. I cry too much I guess, even last night I was over at my cousin's house (she's my best friend too) and she went to bed but her husband and i talked (and i cried a bunch) until after 3AM about it, he lost his dad a few years ago too. But it helps to have people for support, including all of you. Thanks again. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and try to keep you updated.

Honey, there is no such thing as crying to much at a time like this. I am SO glad you have support there for you. We are here, but all we can do is send virtual hugs....not the same thing.

I hated the "waiting". I honestly felt like a vulture when my dad was in a coma for a week. It's exhausting when you know what the outcome is going to be, just not the when.

PLEASE know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and keep us updated.

.

ldg · May 10, 2009

I agree, there is no such thing as crying too much at a time like this.

I'm so glad you have family around you, it's important when something as hard is this is happening.

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I hope it doesn't get to the poing that you're hoping he will be set free. Cherish what time you do have with him, and remember all the wonderful times!

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Laurie

cococat · May 10, 2009

What a HARD situation!

You can take time off FMLA (family medical leave act) in some jobs. When a loved one of mine had cancer, I did not qualify for that but did what I had to do guided by my heart and soul.
Sometimes what makes me help make decisions is what will matter 10 years from now? 5 years from now? 1 year from now? 6 months from now? Which means more, etc. Of course, I know nothing of your work or family life at all, the decisions are all yours.

trillcat · May 11, 2009

Cancer, so nasty a killer. I don't think I know anyone who has not had their life touched in some way by it. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.
I lost my Mom to brain and lung cancer. At the end, after she went into a coma and her organs were shutting down, it was myself and my father who stayed with her. Other family had been there throughout the day, but at the very end it was me and him, each one of us holding her hands and watching as she took her last breath, watching all the meters dwindle down to nothing, talking to her, encouraging her really, telling her it was Ok to let go now, we would all be OK. It was a heartbreaking, yet precious moment I wouldn't trade for anything. She brought me into this world, and I was there for her as she left it.
You are doing the right thing staying, this is the time for family, not work. You boss sounds like a good guy, take advantage of your open ended leave, believe me, not every employer would do that! Kudos to him as well.
I think you would regret leaving now, but if that is what you choose no one will fault you for it. It is a hard thing to watch someone die.
Virtual hugs from me too, to you, your Father, and your family.

darkmavis · May 11, 2009

More thank-yous to all of you. It really does help.

I asked my stepmom as I was leaving today if there were any real updates, as he seemed to be 'ok', or at least the same pretty much since i came home last week. She said the nurse who comes everyday during the week told her today that she has never seen someone who's in the state he's in hang on for this long, which is why she told her last Monday it may only be a day or 2, which in turn is why i flew in on Wednesday. It's still short term but the nurse isn't going to give my stepmom any times like that anymore, because he's a fighter apparently. I am glad I flew home when I did though, so i could see him while he is still with it and can talk a bit.

This waiting and uncertainty is just killing me though. I am so freakin exhausted. But unlike my stepmom and others, I seem to be sleeping extra, I can't help it, i feel really bad though that I am getting lots of sleep. I am sad and anxious and worried, but i am sleeping. Too much almost. Emotions are so draining.

lovesmycats · May 11, 2009

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Follow your heart. Your boss sounds like a caring and understanding person and if you want to go back to PA for a week or so he would be okay with that. I will definitely be keeping your dad, you, and your family in my prayers. God bless you!

trillcat · May 12, 2009

Originally Posted by DarkMavis

More thank-yous to all of you. It really does help.

I asked my stepmom as I was leaving today if there were any real updates, as he seemed to be 'ok', or at least the same pretty much since i came home last week. She said the nurse who comes everyday during the week told her today that she has never seen someone who's in the state he's in hang on for this long, which is why she told her last Monday it may only be a day or 2, which in turn is why i flew in on Wednesday. It's still short term but the nurse isn't going to give my stepmom any times like that anymore, because he's a fighter apparently. I am glad I flew home when I did though, so i could see him while he is still with it and can talk a bit.

This waiting and uncertainty is just killing me though. I am so freakin exhausted. But unlike my stepmom and others, I seem to be sleeping extra, I can't help it, i feel really bad though that I am getting lots of sleep. I am sad and anxious and worried, but i am sleeping. Too much almost. Emotions are so draining.

Don't feel bad about sleeping a lot, everyone deals with extreme circumstances different, and it's just your bodys way of keeping you sane! I went through peroids where I would not sleep at all for days, then would sleep like I had been trauqualized.
Would you feel comfortable talking with a grief counselor? It may help to talk with someone trained in helping families that are going through this.

vampcow · May 12, 2009

sending you alot of hugs

and to help get you and your family through this very hard time.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

darkmavis · May 13, 2009

Well, I've been back for a week now, and my dad honestly seems to be noticably, if only slightly, better than last Wednesday night. My stepmom was out running errands when I left today, but I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and see what she thinks is really going on. He's eating and drinking ok (not by himself, needs to be fed, but is taking it ok), the nurses seem pleased with his bp, heart rate, etc.. He talks a bit but not much or very well, really seems like it takes a ton of effort to force out a few words here and there. And then of course it seems he's always wide awake and then I come over and he decides to get sleepy and nap..

I feel like I might think about flying back to California soon.. but I'll talk to my stepmom first, if I could talk to a nurse it might even be better. In the meantime, just aaarrrggghh.

ldg · May 13, 2009

Laurie

Need to get this out... (sadness warning!)

darkmavis

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jcat

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