Need to get this out... (sadness warning!)

darkmavis

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I'm not usually one to spill my guts about personal stuff on the internet, but today I need to. I moved to Long Beach, CA 2 years ago from Pennsylvania. My mom was visiting me for a few days over last weekend, which was awesome. My stepmom called me on Monday to tell me my dad, who's had lung cancer for 3 years or so, is doing really badly, and if i can get a flight home in the next day or 2 I should. So I flew home with my mom on Wednesday, just got a one-way ticket. I have no problems flying alone, but it was nice to have my mom with me this time. My bosses said to take whatever time I needed.

Now it's one thing hearing about your dad being in really bad shape, that he's most likely in his last days, but it's a whole different thing to walk in and see it. He's at home, trying to stay comfortable, but man, I never saw someone dying from cancer before. And it's my dad. We're not the closest, but I still love him. I feel like I don't know how to act, I just keep crying when i go over there. I talked to the hospice nurse yesterday about what's really happening, and she said it's spread to his bones and brain, but she thinks it's the lung that's most agressive that'll take over. He had a 'good' day yesterday, was a bit more alert and awake and talking a little than the past few days, but it could either be kind of like a high before the crash or it could be a reprieve for a while. Can't tell really I guess. In the meantime, I just feel like poo. But i can't even begin to imagine what my stepmom feels like, she's been home from work taking care of him 24 hours a day since January.

So I don't know what to do about work and obligations like that. I know my boss said to take what time i need, but I don't feel like i can just stay here. But it's a day-by-day thing with my dad right now. Already he called today asking what's going on, I don't know if he meant like when am I coming back or just inquiring about the status of my dad and things. I should email him telling him just not to pay me for this month (we get paid once a month), or if it's a hassle to change stuff with the payroll company that I'll pay him back when i get back for the time i took off.

My boyfriend was supposed to go to Florida for work this coming Sun-Thu, but he cancelled that trip because of taking care of Genever, I feel bad about that too. He said not to feel bad about that though, he didn't really want to go anyway because he's got too much work to do in the office.

I hate to fly back to CA in a few days only to have to fly back to PA a day later. I just don't know what's going to happen or when.

No real questions or anything here, I just needed to get this out, from reading other posts in here I know you're a kind and understanding and compassionate bunch. I need hugs, even virtual ones.
 

libby74

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I'm so very sorry you and your family are going thru this. Waiting for someone to die is a terrible, terrible thing. You're the only one that can decide how to handle this. If you go home now you know you'll probably be telling your Dad goodbye for the last time. Or, you can put your life on hold until the end eventually comes.
I really don't envy you having to make such a choice. I'm sending loads of virtual hugs to you, and hoping that whatever decision you come to it will be the right one for you.
 

rosiemac

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I know how you feel
Come June it'll be a year for my brother who also died from lung and bone cancer. He was diagnosed in the December,and was gone 6 months later


It was awful having to watch him go downhill, and although he told the Doctors he didn't want to know how long he had, my niece who's a nurse told us privately. It went from us seeing him in the february to her saying "He won't be here by the summer", then as the weeks went on it went to "We better come every two weeks, then on one visit, "We better come and say our goodbyes next weekend because he won't be here the following", and sadly she was right


Can no one give you any idea on how long?.
 

rockcat

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Oh, sweetie, that is really sad for you. Try to think that you helped comfort your dad by being with him for the time you could. Sorry, but I can't help you decide when to leave. I have hugs for you though.


You and your family are in my prayers.
 

kscatlady

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I think that being with someone you love when they are dying is a great gift, even if it is difficult. If it were me and I could afford to miss the work, I would. I think I would regret not spending every minute I could with my dad. You should be thinking about you and your dad. Not about your boyfriend or work.
Lots of people here are thinking about ya.
 

myfamiliars

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I'm sorry to hear about this. It's really difficult to just have to wait and see. I agree with the rest that if you can manage it, stay with your dad and comfort him (and your step-mom) as best you can.

Whatever you choose, be gentle on yourself as well. Sending positive vibes your way.
 

natalie_ca

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I'm so sorry about your Dad


Your boss was probably just looking for an approximate time frame from you about how long you will need so that he can make arrangements to distribute your work load. Just tell him that your Dad is doing poorly and you don't know how long you will need to stay but that you will keep him in the loop about what is going on.

I'm a nurse and I work a great deal with palliative patients and their families. And as someone who has experienced the death of both of my parents, I can tell you that the best thing you can do is to be there with your Dad.

This is the time to bury the hatchet. The time to say things that you've always wanted to say but have been putting off. And it's important that he knows that you love him.

There will come a point where he will become unconscious and unresponsive. That doesn't mean that he can't still hear you. Hearing is the oldest sense that we have, and it's the last to go. So even when he seems like he's not responding, he can still hear you and process what you are saying. So don't be afraid to have a one sided conversation with him. Talk about old memories. Funny stories that you remember from growing up. There is nothing wrong with laughing, even when you are dying. Especially when you are dying! Read him the news paper or a book. Just talk to him and build memories.
 

addiebee

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Oh, honey, that's terrible!
to you!

I agree with everyone else on here. Stay with your Dad, keep your boss in the loop.

I watched my favorite aunt die from cancer. It was awful.

You will be in my thoughts and my prayers.
 

crazyforinfo

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I know how you are feeling. My grandmother-Nana came home on hospice from bladder/kidney cancer. Mom and I took turns caring for her and making her more comfortable. It's hard to watch someone you love in this state and it's not for everyone. It doesn't make you weak or less caring if you can't stay.
 
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darkmavis

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Thank you everyone for your thoughts and hugs and everything. Again, sorry to be a downer on everyone's Friday...


As for work, luckily we're in a bit of a slow spurt right now, we've got lots of stuff coming up but not til August or so, so it's not too bad that I'm not there. I just feel bad about being so uncertain as to when I'll be back.

I'm heading over to my dad's house soon. Guess I'll find out how today is going and any updates.
 

mews2much

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I know how you feel.
I lost my grandpa to lung cancer and he did not even know us at the end.
So sorry you are going through this.
We had hospice for my grandpa.
My mom also died from breast cancer and I did not get there in time.
If you ever need to talk about your dad just pm.
 

calico2222

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Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry!


I know how you feel. My father had lung cancer when I lived in Guam (he was in Maryland) and when work sent me to a trade show in Las Vegas my boss told me to take a few days to go home to see him. 36 hours after I got home he was in the ER because of seizures. He passed away a week later.

Ok, this isn't what you needed to hear, but just know my thoughts and prayers are with you, your father and your stepmother. This kind of decision is hard, but I'm sure your father is getting comfort having you there, regardless of your past history.
 

poppy0109

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I am sorry about your dad and I'm sorry it is difficult for you.


Cancer sucks. It affects too many people. My uncle is doing really bad right now. He had 80% of his stomach removed because of cancer. He won't eat or drink anything. My family is trying to keep him comfortable and we're keeping him company and we're just waiting. I guess that's all we can do. Seeing a family member like that is hard and the waiting is even harder.

 
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darkmavis

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Well when I was over this afternoon, my stepmom said the nurse told her that yesterday's 'good' day was most likely the rally before the end, as today he wasn't so good. So I will be back this evening for a bit again.

I emailed my boss saying he could email me some work if he wants, apparently we've got a bunch more chemicals to classify into hazard classifications for this one company we've been working with, and he said not to worry about it, just to take care of my stuff here. But I emailed him back saying MSDSs might be a welcome distraction... seriously.

Thank you again everyone for your support. It really means a lot. I guess i'll keep you updated as i can.
 

AbbysMom

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I'm so sorry you are going through this.


In June it will be a year since my father passed away. I gave up a good portion of my life for the six weeks before he died and I don't regret a minute of it. You are never going to have this time again, so take it now and treasure the little moments.
 

momofmany

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Originally Posted by AbbysMom

I'm so sorry you are going through this.


In June it will be a year since my father passed away. I gave up a good portion of my life for the six weeks before he died and I don't regret a minute of it. You are never going to have this time again, so take it now and treasure the little moments.
I totally agree. I've lost both of my parents to cancer and I was the primary caregiver to my mom for the last 3 months of her life (home hospice). I gave up 100% of my life at that time. I would have regretted it had I done it any other way. Treasure every single moment and simply tell him how much you love him.

Big cyber
coming your way.
 

fwan

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My grandmother had lung cancer, my Aunt wrote to us to tell us that she had lung cancer and I knew it was time to go and see her, drove from Germany to Scotland that night, my mother couldn't handle it, they sat there talking all the time, catching up.
After three nights my mother said we had to go home, we did and we promised we would be back after our ship cruise, it was too late to cancel. The day we got back and were about to fly out to Scotland was the day she passed away. it was a time frame of two and a half weeks.

My thoughts are with you.
 

lsulover

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Originally Posted by DarkMavis

Well when I was over this afternoon, my stepmom said the nurse told her that yesterday's 'good' day was most likely the rally before the end, as today he wasn't so good. So I will be back this evening for a bit again.

I emailed my boss saying he could email me some work if he wants, apparently we've got a bunch more chemicals to classify into hazard classifications for this one company we've been working with, and he said not to worry about it, just to take care of my stuff here. But I emailed him back saying MSDSs might be a welcome distraction... seriously.

Thank you again everyone for your support. It really means a lot. I guess i'll keep you updated as i can.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I do think that you are making the right decision. You need to be there with your dad and the rest of your family.

I am sending you and your family prayers from Mississippi, please keep us posted on how you are doing and how things are going with your dad.
 

trouts mom

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How difficult. I am so sorry to hear this. Noone should ever have to go through cancer or seeing loved ones go through it.


 

margecat

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I am so very sorry you have to go though this. My Dad died 10 years ago this October 12th; even though he didn't have cancer, he was in hospice care. We also had that horrible talk with the doctor, and found out he only had a few weeks at most to live. I don't need to tell you that it hits you like a truck...the shock is just incredible.

Even though my Dad & I had a bad relationship (he was abusive), he WAS my Dad after all, and an old man who was sick, so I felt so bad for him. He never let me show affection as a kid; but I felt lucky to be with him as he died at home. Some may think what I'm going to say is creepy...but, here goes: I helped the hospice nurse bathe hime and prepare him for the undertaker. It, though very sad, felt "good" in a way--I felt as if I were helping him in some tiny way, and finally could tell him that I loved him (as I was combing his hair). Sad that I had to wait until he was dead to tell him this, isn't it? I also made sure my Mom's last sight of him wasn't when they removed his body--I didn't want her to see that.

What I am trying to say is that, if it were me, I would try to spend as much time with your Dad as you can---you may regret it some day, if you don't---and you can be there for your family---they will need you. It will be terribly hard for you, but in an odd way, you may find peace in helping him in his last days.
 
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