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sorry i've not been around ...(long story)

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
sorry im not around much..been busy at work and well..homelife isnt that great right now. I"m trying to get my mother to realize that my stepfather should go into a home...and its not easy..I realize that its not an easy decision for her...but..he's at the point where he not only talks to himself in the mirror (thinking he found a friend)..but knocking on the mirror asking for them to open the door and let him in....thats a little funny..but not really...the other night he was fighting with her over a hand mirror that she eventually kicked under the couch...
no..I don't live with them.but I talk to her daily. I don't get there as often as I used to because I don't live as close anymore...and its getting harder and harder to gear up to go there. He doesn't make any sense...he starts talking in croatian more and more and forgetting engish. his first language is croatian...so I guess that helps. but even his buddies that talk to him..say he's not making any sense in croatian either. He is much bigger then my mother is and he doesn't realize his own strength or really what he is doing, so i'm scared that one day he really will hit her. So far, she's had to hide all of the knives in the house because he's grabbed them and started pointing knives at her. Not good. She has trouble getting him to go to sleep at night and she can't keep up with staying up all hours of the night then going to work. Yes she still works and gets homecare to look after him for 9 hours while she's at work..but that gives her no time to do any grocery shopping etc. She can't leave him in the house alone and a lot of the times now if she takes him out of the house...he gets really confused. After they come home he will continually ask her to take him home and start crying even though he is home. He's even starting to forget who she is.. last time I was there he was happy but at the same time ..asked me how my mother is..and she was there. He does know who I am..but its difficult. My boyfriend won't go with me to the house because he can't handle that sight. Can't say I blame him really. He never met my stepfather before he became ill. The dr's say its dementia from the 4 or 5 strokes he's had but really ..its the same as alzheimers. I've gone through the literature on alzheimers and I see the symptoms he has. i'm stressed. i don't know what to do ...
post #2 of 12
It's good to see you back!
I'm sorry to hear that about your stepfather. That's really sad and kind of scarey! Your stepfather really does need around the clock professional care and it sounds like it's taking a huge toll on your mom. I think it would be much safer for everyone, including himself, if he was in a home. You need to look around, there are some homes I wouldn't put a rat in but there are some that are fantastic! My grandma ended up in a home that was wonderful. I would visit twice a week on diff days unannounced and it was not only clean but more like a kindegarten. It got to the point that I had to make an appt with my grandma because she was too busy for visitors!! She ended up loving the place and the workers who were great!
Wish you and your mom the best of luck!
post #3 of 12
I was wondering about you the other day when someone posted a fractal cat wallpaper - since you do nice ones too.

Maybe offer to go with her to check into homes nearby? Visit them and ask questions. Maybe some consoling to help your mother understand and work though this decision will help?
post #4 of 12
Yeah, it does sound like he needs round the clock care... and it does sound like dementia. A friend's father had it... the symptoms sound really similar.

Good luck. Do you have siblings and are they of any help/support? I think you guys would have to have a heart-to-heart no-nonsense talk with your mom about the situation. Don't take no for an answer.
post #5 of 12
Oh that is just so so sad, for him and for everyone who loves him. Its got to be such a hard decision for your Mom to make and probably needs to be helped along with the decision. Sending lots of vibes that way
post #6 of 12
That's so sad. And I can understand how difficult it must be for your mother. I'm glad your back.
post #7 of 12
Thread Starter 
no..i'm an only child as is my mother...my real father passed away in 2007 .not that he would be any help really. I have an aunt that lives in another province who went through what mom is going through now and im trying to get those 2 to talk..but she is starting to see things from my point of view I think....
post #8 of 12
I'm so sorry to hear this honey . Dealing with dementia/alzheimers is SO hard for everyone involved. It sounds like your stepfather has gotten to the point where he needs professional care. It's one thing to take care of a loved one that is forgetful or confused...it's another thing when the caretakers wellbeing may be in danger. Not that your stepfather would ever hurt your mother on purpose, but the knife thing kinda scares me.

My grandmother had alzheimers and my grandfather fought the family tooth and nail about putting her into a home. My grandfather was 82, and his mind was as sharp as it was when he was 20, but his body was failing. He took care of her as long as he could but it took a toll on his body. He finally decided it was time when he fell, and she left him laying there for 14 hours. She kept thinking he went downtown and was mad at him for being gone so long (she was stepping over him in the dining room while she was ranting...I know, I was the one that found him). The second time it happened he ended up in the hospital from severe dehydration. So, it was time.

It was a VERY hard decision but was for the best for everyone, especially my grandmother. Good luck to you and your mom with this decision. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
post #9 of 12
I went through this went my father last year. It is an extremely painful decision to make and I don't think you ever really get over the feelings of guilt. I am sending vibes and hugs for you all.
post #10 of 12
It is so hard on a family when that happens. Thank goodness my grandparents had moved already into a community, so it was just a matter of moving my grandma into the full time care unit.

I think it might really help your mom if you do much of the research into places where he could go, and then make her go visit them with you.

With her still fine, alert, and working, it makes the "guilt" factor that much more of a hurdle.

that he'll get the care he needs before her health deteriorates (or he hurts her because he's confused!)

post #11 of 12
I know it's a hard decision, but it's one that has to be made. Once the mind starts going they start becoming a danger to themselves and those around them.

Has she seen their family doctor about it? If not, I would recommend talking to a doctor, getting a diagnosis, and start looking at facilities with Alzheimers units. It can take a while to get into the good ones, so tell your mum that you just want to start looking at what's around and what the waitlists are like just so you have an idea on what's out there. Hopefully that will be enough to show her that he will be better off.

I've just been working in an Alzheimer Unit as part of my Nursing Assistant training, and if you want more detail of what to look for and what to avoid - drop me a PM.
post #12 of 12
I'm sorry to hear about your Step Dad.

I hope your Mom makes the right decision for them both.
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