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sister-in-law, pain in the......

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
so, im in a band with another 2 guys, one of which is my brother who plays bass, (i sing and play guitar, and another guy drums) anyways, we were meant to be playing tonight and at the last minute my brother cancels!

claiming he was having some stuff delivered that evening for his house? at 9 on the night? he did the same last week and also missed a practice a week ago sunday.

the bottom line is, its his wife! i know he wants to play just as much as we do, but his missis is clearly putting the clamps on it! he has told me openly that she isnt happy about him playing as she gets really jealous of anyone who takes him away from her.

my brother barely sees our mum for the same reason, and his wife can just about tolerate dad. its ridiculous, she is such a sulky so and so!

so the problem is what do i do about the band, i thnk he will be upset by being replaced, but i cant change his wifes opinion so the only thing i can change is my band?? i couldnt imagine playing without him, its just not the same.

its such a shame as i have no problem with her, but she is really knocking a wedge into my family, and is making the band look unprofessional, what do you guys think? jez x
post #2 of 18
I'm sorry to hear about your sil. My brother's ex was a jealous snippet who tried to alienate him from the family. And I'm being nice by calling her a snippet...
I agree that it would be hurtful to your brother if you replaced him in the band. I really don't know what to tell you, but best of luck anyway...
post #3 of 18
Well. maybe he needs to invite his wife to come along to practice. So that she can be sure that's what he's doing. I'm not saying that your brother is doing anything else other than practicing with the band. But he maybe he spends many more nights away from home doing various things with friends and she might feel neglected or suspicious. Just giving it another perspective.
post #4 of 18
Personally your brother needs to "grow some" and not let his wife walk all over him like it sounds like she's doing.
post #5 of 18
How long have they been married? And how long have they been together?

Why not instead of just up and replacing him have him over and talk to him and tell him how you feel and tell him you need to know if he is going to be with the band or not so that way you can move on (hopefully) without hurting anyones feelings.
post #6 of 18
I don't understand women (or men) like this. My husband's cousin's fiancee (my future cousin-in-law?) is the same way. DH's cousin has a regular job that takes him out of town 2-3 days a week but on his days off he's been helping DH remodel a house. She gets mad because of the time he spends helping, but doesn't mind spending the money he's being paid! She actually told him once she "knew" he was cheating on her at the job site. OMG!!! He's working with 3 other guys!!! What exactly does she think he's doing??

Sometimes you just can't reason with insecure or controlling people like that. I agree though, sit your brother down and talk to him. Explain that you want him in the band but you can't practice without a bassist. Maybe if she came to a few practices she would start to understand that this is a stress relief for him (of course, if she DID come, it may NOT relieve any stress for him!).

Good luck. I hope you get it worked out. It sucks when people try to come between family members.
post #7 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Personally your brother needs to "grow some" and not let his wife walk all over him like it sounds like she's doing.
I actually disagree with this advice. This does nothing to help make a healthy and successful marriage. There are always 2 sides to every story and the reasons for actions and feelings are not always visible to the rest of us.

I once worked with a man whose wife was extremely, extremely jealous to the point it was a joke. I found out why one day. His wife was visiting her family in Holland and this boss of mine was asking the pretty girl in our Sales Office out to dinner. I overheard the girl talking to the other girls in the office about it. At our next coffee break, I went into my boss's office and asked if we could talk. I sat down and I told him if he wanted to fool around while is wife was away, he should keep it away from the office. He was flabbergasted that the girls were discussing it in the break room.

So sometimes there are reasons why some folks are jealous that we may not know all the facts about. Other times it's simply insecurity and by working together with love and respect that can be overcome and good changes made. My husband was a full time musician for the first 4 years of our marriage so I know the pitfalls and concerns surrounding that profession. I've been out with him to gigs and seen girls/women throw themselves at the guys in the band even though they knew us wives/girlfriends were sitting right there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by capt_jordi View Post
How long have they been married? And how long have they been together?

Why not instead of just up and replacing him have him over and talk to him and tell him how you feel and tell him you need to know if he is going to be with the band or not so that way you can move on (hopefully) without hurting anyones feelings.
I agree. This sounds like the best way to deal with the situation. Then the decision is in his hands and he cannot blame the other band members for going ahead with or without him. Sometimes there are things going on between couples that even their family does not know about (sometimes especially their family). Talk to your brother and let him make the decision whether to stay in the band and show up for practices/gigs, or let you get someone you can rely on to be there.
post #8 of 18
Thread Starter 
thanks guys. some great support there nurseangel and capt_jordi, and also some very funny comments!

Natalie_ca, that "grow some" comment really did make me laugh!

Yosemite, spudsmom and calico2222 you all touched on the possible issue of cheating there, im pretty sure my brother isnt like that, he is the total opposite to me, he has only had one other relationship aside from this one, and he is generally pretty quiet and she was always more like "cat slater" off eastenders (not that you guys in the usa will know who that is) but maybe thats why she seems to push him about?

however it is fair to point out that she was married to another guy when my brother met her, and they were all actually good friends for quite a while before he stole her, so maybe he isnt so innocent afterall?

a relationship built on the foundations of cheating is never going to work though in my experience, maybe there is more to this than i am aware of as you mentioned Yosemite

anyway its going to have to be sorted one way or another, its just quite awkward to see your own brother telling you lies (and badly at that) about why he cant make it, or why his phone has been off for the last 3 weeks!

but finally, may i just add this...... i didnt even know they were getting married until the week before in the pub when one of his other friends mentioned it infront of me! at which point he turned around and said "you can come if you like?" but the wedding was over 200 miles away, and on a friday, so with the stupidly un-ecconomical jag xj40 i had at the time, and not being able to get the time off work at such short notice i didnt make it! neither did my mum or dadd as they were never invited at all!!!
post #9 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by jezmondo69 View Post
thanks guys. some great support there nurseangel and capt_jordi, however it is fair to point out that she was married to another guy when my brother met her, and they were all actually good friends for quite a while before he stole her, so maybe he isnt so innocent afterall?
Ah. Maybe she fears (rightfully so) that if he cheated with her, he could just as easily cheat on her.
post #10 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Misty8723 View Post
Ah. Maybe she fears (rightfully so) that if he cheated with her, he could just as easily cheat on her.
i know what your saying, but besides going to work they are never apart, and he never has his phone on, which in my opinion is the route of all relationship naughtiness!

i bet since the invention of mobiles and especially text messages the rate of divorce and couples having affairs has doubled! there is so much flirting going on in texts i find, never look in your partners phone as im sure its mostly innocent but if you read it out of context it often looks bad, not that i have ever done aything like that you know!
post #11 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by jezmondo69 View Post
so the problem is what do i do about the band, i thnk he will be upset by being replaced, but i cant change his wifes opinion so the only thing i can change is my band?? i couldnt imagine playing without him, its just not the same.

jez x
A conversation about 35 years ago:

"So, we're in the Bentley, we're on the way to the gig, shall we go pick up Sid?"

"No, I don't think so...maybe next time."

And thus Pink Floyd took the turn toward fame.

Maybe you, too?

By the way, are you still thinking of a trip to the U.S?
post #12 of 18
My husband is in a band and has been for about 3 or 4 years now, I've lost count. Being a band wife is tough stuff. He's gone very late, very frequently and is with very drunk people who make poor choices. It's a lot like being married to someone who has another wife. It takes a lot from both of us for it to work. Here are some things we've done:
1) I like him being in the band. He has something that's important to him that he does with other guys. I like the music and have fun going to his gigs and the occasional practice.
2) We set aside Sunday evenings as our time. Any breech of our time must be jointly cleared. Mostly, we just watch TV but knowing that time is there is what's important to me.
3) I've got a life of my own. When he has practice I go out with girlfriends. This is really important because a lot of guys want it both ways. They want to be able to go out all they want but they want their wives to stay home. That crap would never fly in my house but it's never a problem because my husband encourages me to go out with my friends.
4)Good communication about when practice is and what time he's loading up to head out to a gig. We bought a marker board calendar and eliminated a lot of confusion that way.

I should also mention that my husband has never given me a reason not to trust him, particularly with other women. That's never been a concern and that makes it easy for me to let him wander off to the ends of the earth in a crappy van with less than trustworthy band mates.

Another great thing is that a close friend of mine loves live music as much as I do so she and I usually go to the gigs together which makes them even more fun.

If you or the drummer have a wife or girlfriend ask them to invite your brother's wife to a practice or gig. She will be able to say the things you can't! Also, if your brother can't come to practice the reason for it doesn't really matter. No practice=no gigs. He needs to tow the line or be replaced.
post #13 of 18
Exactly, was going to say the same thing.
post #14 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrblanche View Post
A conversation about 35 years ago:

"So, we're in the Bentley, we're on the way to the gig, shall we go pick up Sid?"

"No, I don't think so...maybe next time."

And thus Pink Floyd took the turn toward fame.

Maybe you, too?

By the way, are you still thinking of a trip to the U.S?
i like this little story mrblanche! i cant see us ever making it but i would like to do bigger gigs and gig further away if possible, i would love to be at the point where we are staying away in hotels and stuff, so i could make a weekend of it. at the minute its just local stuff, which is very satisfying and they are good venues, but i just want MORE!

as for the trip to the usa sadly its on hold, my dad has just had to leave work through health so i have decided to hang fire a little till everything is a bit straighter here, which is a shame al round really, but thats what family ids for eh!


howtoholdacat - its good to hear some more advice from someone who is on the inside of what im talking about here, so thanks for that. i honestly just think its jealousy with her though, i dont think she suspects he is cheating, if anything i think she is more likely to do that, she was always a bit of a "tart"

both myself and the drummer are single actually, rather interestingly the drummer is actually blind which no one veer believes till they see him after a gig with his stick or being guided, he is a lovely chap though, always really happy, its very inspirational actually!
post #15 of 18
You're welcome. Whatever her reasons for not wanting him in the band, she has the power to make it impossible for him. He's going to have to sort that out with her and that could take a long time or never even happen. You've got to decide what's best for the band. I've seen all the band drama, too. Some guys get kicked out and it's cool. Some guys get kicked out and act like spurned lovers. What I have seen, is bands made better by finding the right combination of members.
post #16 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by howtoholdacat View Post
You're welcome. Whatever her reasons for not wanting him in the band, she has the power to make it impossible for him. He's going to have to sort that out with her and that could take a long time or never even happen. You've got to decide what's best for the band. I've seen all the band drama, too. Some guys get kicked out and it's cool. Some guys get kicked out and act like spurned lovers. What I have seen, is bands made better by finding the right combination of members.
thats very inspiring, i cant see him being that funny about it, i think he will possibly be a little relieved, i kinda think maybe he wants to quit to make his life easier, but doesnt want to let me down as he knows how much it means to me.

my only fear is that i wont find anyone who is as good, and is totally into the same stuff, and finally that i will bond with anywhere near as much, i mean he is my brother too, so its big boots to fill! i know its a step the band has got to take, and i guess i always knew his missis would be the only problem, but its just not going to be the same without him next to me on stage.

i hoped it would have been how it was years ago when we were doing this bak then, but we were both single, and both living at home, but now he has a wife, and bills to pay (i however am very lucky in having neither really, no mortage as i got my parents old house, and never made it stick with any of my exes)

after some gigs, when we come off stage and its been really amazing, the crowd were cheering and dancing, i thought we may just be getting somewhere, i would hate to think that if we ever were that lucky that he would miss out on it all.

oh well, whats gotta be done, has gotta be done........

thanks guys! J
post #17 of 18
I once went to a Bon Jovi/Scorpions concert that would poison any woman's mind about her husband playing in a band. The Scorpions were lovely gentlemen; I wish I could say the same for Bon Jovi.

And Jez, I'm sorry to hear about your father's health. I hope he gets better soon.

Many blessings,
Angie
post #18 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nurseangel View Post
I once went to a Bon Jovi/Scorpions concert that would poison any woman's mind about her husband playing in a band. The Scorpions were lovely gentlemen; I wish I could say the same for Bon Jovi.

And Jez, I'm sorry to hear about your father's health. I hope he gets better soon.

Many blessings,
Angie
awww, thanks for that, i was with him tonight at his place, had a lads night in, was very nice. i hope he gets better soon too!

thanks again!
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