To spank or not to spank???

1. Were you spanked? If so, do you hold any ill will towards your parents for doing so? Has it influenced your choice to spank or not spank your child?Yes I was spanked a few times as a child. Do I hold any ill will towards my parents for it? Nope. Not really unless its subconscience.

2. Do you or have you spanked your child? If you don't have children, do you think you would or would not spank?
Yes I have spanked my kids on ocassion.
3. What warrants a spanking?They have to do something pretty bad or if all the talking or yelling in the world won't make them stop.

4. Do you think spanking is physical abuse?No I do not.

5. Do you think a child who has been spanked will grow up to think hitting is ok, and be more physically aggressive?Other then the fact my kids have gotten a swat here and there I am not a physically aggressive with anyone nor do I go around fighting and hitting people. It is not my nature to do that.

Overall, what are your thoughts on spanking as a form of discipline?
My thoughts are sometimes it warranted and sometimes its not. Really each family has to decide A)if its the right action for their child and situation B)had another thought but lost it.

This is a really good article.

I don't know how to do that quote thingy so I put an excerpt in italics.

The science also shows that corporal punishment is like smoking: It's a rare human being who can refrain from stepping up from a mild, relatively harmless dose to an excessive and harmful one. Three cigarettes a month won't hurt you much, and a little smack on the behind once a month won't harm your child. But who smokes three cigarettes a month? To call corporal punishment addictive would be imprecise, but there's a strong natural tendency to escalate the frequency and severity of punishment. More than one-third of all parents who start out with relatively mild punishments end up crossing the line drawn by the state to define child abuse: hitting with an object, harsh and cruel hitting, and so on. Children, endowed with wonderful flexibility and ability to learn, typically adapt to punishment faster than parents can escalate it, which helps encourage a little hitting to lead to a lot of hitting. And, like frequent smoking, frequent corporal punishment has serious, well-proven bad effects.

And answers to your questions:

I was spanked by my parents, and I don't hold it against them. I don't think it had any affect on my decision to not spank my future children. I don't think it's physical abuse (unless you use an object, my mom used a wooden spoon and my baby sitter used a paint stirrer) but I do think it gives them to wrong idea. You're trying to teach them not to hit, but what is spanking? It's hitting. Research shows that children that are physically disciplined are more aggressive and defiant. I wouldn't judge someone who gives their kids a few swats. I was given more then just little swats and I turned out okay. I'm just not going to do it.

1. Were you spanked? If so, do you hold any ill will towards your parents for doing so?

Yes, occasionally. I don't hold that against my parents - it's the other things they did that were worse, such as the things said to me.

2. Do you or have you spanked your child? If you don't have children, do you think you would or would not spank?

No kids, but yes I would if I did decide to have kids.

4. Do you think spanking is physical abuse?

Only if it crosses the line. It should be no more than a couple of swats to the butt and never with enough force to do more than redden the skin a little (after all, it's not the spanking itself, it's being in trouble and not getting away with it that a child learns from).

5. Do you think a child who has been spanked will grow up to think hitting is ok, and be more physically aggressive?
I didn't, and I'm sure a lot of us on here were spanked, too, yet don't go around hitting people.


Most of us grew up with this, it didn't kill us. We learned and grew up into normal adults. The key is that the parent doesn't have anger issues that get taken out on the child..

Also, how many have been in a store were a child (or several) are misbehaving? Screaming, running around, knocking stuff off the shelves, opening items, etc - and the parent says something along the lines of 'stop doing that, you're being bad, I asked you to stop' with no form of follow up punishment to actually stop the child?
Of course, I love the opposite of this. The parents or grandparents that discipline their kids, keep them in line in public, and have taught them manners. The yes ma'am, no ma'am, please, and thank you's are rather refreshing.

1. Were you spanked? If so, do you hold any ill will towards your parents for doing so? Has it influenced your choice to spank or not spank your child?

yes I was spanked and I honestly I think my parents did the right thing. It wasn't very often but when they did, I deserved it. Usually just the threat of it was enough to make me behave.

2. Do you or have you spanked your child? If you don't have children, do you think you would or would not spank?

I don't have any kids, but I did get permission from my best friend when I was watching her son that if he didn't listen to me to "smack him on the butt!".

3. What warrants a spanking?

Deliberate disobedience and stubborness and nothing else works. It shouldn't be used for general mistakes, messes, etc.

4. Do you think spanking is physical abuse?

Not at all, as long as it isn't too much.

5. Do you think a child who has been spanked will grow up to think hitting is ok, and be more physically aggressive?

No, and that thought just makes me laugh.

Overall, what are your thoughts on spanking as a form of discipline?

I think spanking is fine as a last resort. I'm sorry, but a younger kid just doesn't understand "time outs". I honestly think that is more to give the parent a chance to cool off than the child to "think about what he did wrong". Kids can be stubborn and sometimes all the reasoning in the world won't work. (hence, why I stick to 4 legged furry kids! )

........................

Here are my answers..I know some people say just a swat is different than actually hitting, but then if it was that harmless, kids wouldn't be afraid of it and it would not do anything for discipline. So it MUST be painful in some way. My friends' little sister kicked her mom in the stomach after the mom slapped her across the face. The kid just couldn't take being physically violated...I don't blame her, I would have done the same thing. Now, that's a kid who is normally NEVER spanked. Kids who are spanked on occasion are usually too fearful of their parents to defend themselves. To me, that's no different than how guards act in prisons...

We were not spanked as kids. If we were really, really bad and mouthy etc, we did on a very rare occasion get a swat on the butt. And then we got disciplined.

When it comes to discipline, the thing that is missing from life today is not corporal punishment, but parents trying to be friends with their kids, not PARENTS! Children need boundaries, they need to understand consequences of their actions - age appropriate of course and parents need to follow through on their statements and keep doing it...ie: if you sass me one more time, here is the punishment (whatever is appropriate not nece. spanking) and DO IT! And if it happens, do it again!!! Kids are forever testing the margins of parental authority.

Growing up, we were taught right from wrong, we could ask any questions of our parents, we could think for ourselves, we knew we were loved, etc. But we always always always knew WHO was in charge of the home: Mom and Dad. And my mother never, ever made idle threats! If she said it and we pushed - she did it! All my dad had to do was threaten. My folks turned out a writer, a doctor, an art history professor and an attorney. College educated, productive, and -- I like to think -- decent human beings. I think they did OK.

1. Were you spanked? If so, do you hold any ill will towards your parents for doing so? Has it influenced your choice to spank or not spank your child?

--No, I wasn't spanked, but I was threatend, by my father, with physical violence. In a roundabout way, it has influenced my decision not to spank my child.

2. Do you or have you spanked your child? If you don't have children, do you think you would or would not spank?

--No, I have not, nor would I ever, spank my child.

3. What warrants a spanking?

--Nothing.

4. Do you think spanking is physical abuse?

--Yes.

5. Do you think a child who has been spanked will grow up to think hitting is ok, and be more physically aggressive?

--Yes.

Children are little people. And by that, I mean they deserve to be treated like any other non-child human we interact with. If a co-worker did something I don't like, I wouldn't hit him or her. If my husband did something I asked him not to do, I wouldn't hit him. If my bestfriend was having a really tough day and had a melt down, I wouldn't hit her. Why isn't the same courtesy and respect extended to our children?

As parents we ought to strive to be kind and gentle to our children. I fail to see how hitting someone because they "talk back" or have a "fit" is going to help matters. Sure, it *might* scare the child enough that he/she won't committ the offense again, but it doesn't actually teach them anything.

I raise to you a few questions to start a discussion:

1. Were you spanked? If so, do you hold any ill will towards your parents for doing so? Has it influenced your choice to spank or not spank your child?

I was not spanked. If I misbehaved I usually got grounded which meant usually between a day and a week in my room. I never got in any serious trouble or did anything illegal.

2. Do you or have you spanked your child? If you don't have children, do you think you would or would not spank?

I would not spank a child. I do not think that causing pain/discomfort is a good way to teach a child anything and I do not believe it is necessary.


3. What warrants a spanking?
Nothing

4. Do you think spanking is physical abuse?
Short answer, yes.

5. Do you think a child who has been spanked will grow up to think hitting is ok, and be more physically aggressive?
From my own observation I would say yes. With the families I have known who used spanking as a punishment, the children would often hit their siblings. If one of the younger kids were doing something they didn't like, the (sometimes just slightly) older kids would hit or spank them and the kids would get into physical fights with each other.

Overall, what are your thoughts on spanking as a form of discipline?

Children can be raised without using physical forms of punishment. There are other effective methods of discipline so I do not see any reason to resort to causing pain in order to teach something or punish a child.

Is it just me or does it seem to be a case of:

If you have kids, you do understand the need for an occasional spank

And

If you have never had a child, you think a spank is child abuse.



To those of you that do not have kids and think a spank is abuse, I say, wait until you have kids and then come back and see if you feel the same.

There have been soooooo many of these threads on this forum.
But it always seems to be the same, see example above.
Also, there will be a few parents WITH kids that are totally against spanking and it always seems like they are the ones that have the very, passive children that never give any problems anyway.

I wanted to add: kids who are spanked will follow rules blindly without questioning them. Kids who have never been spanked are usually reasoned with so they understand why rules exist, such as, you can't have this brand new toy because we can't afford it even if we wanted you to have it, you can't ride your bike by yourself outside because it's dangerous, you cannot take what isn't yours because you will hurt people that way, NOT just because if you do this you will get spanked and it will hurt and cause you pain....
I get really defiant if people try to impose a rule on me without telling me why it's there...and I guess that's because it's the way I was brought up. And I was definitely not a passive child. My parents were very strict, but still never spanked me.

Sorry, but not so... We are not talking about opening your mouth and get spanked here. Kids who are spanked are also reasoned with to make them understand the rules. Absolutely they are. Spanking is ONE, only ONE of the ways you can discipline a kid; it doesn't mean you don't use all the others too. It is often the last resort; at least for me it was... The spanking was the end of the discussion, and used only when necessary - and I truly believe it was necessary.

Nobody has the right to touch someone else in an unkind manner, ever.

I do see that this doesn't have to happen in every case, if it's used as a last resort or what not then it's not really damaging... but to many people it's not a last resort- it's an every day thing. I have worked with children in first grade and just by interacting with them you can tell which ones get spanked at home...they are very fearful of adults, fearful their parents will be notified of them being bad and they might get spanked..


I dont' mean to say that kids who are spanked never learn right from wrong: they do. Of course they learn that their parents did it for their own good eventually if that was the case..However I just see this type of submissive personality that forms and stays for the rest of their lives. They just learn that sometimes it's okay to obey even if you aren't sure why. I am not sure if it's a good thing. Some people will say that it is because a lot of times we do have to obey rules in life that we don't know the reasons behind them being in place...Like at work, if we work at a corporate job its surely going to happen....
But I still don't like the discouragement of independent thought.

The issue is not quite so cut and dried as that.

There are ways to raise your children and teach them and show them there are consequences for their bad choices, hitting a child in any form is not one of the ways of teaching them in a positive way IMO.

I have never understood the mindset of an adult who thinks that when a little tiny child, learning and developing to be become an adult makes a mistake that hitting that child for that mistake will have any kind of positive result.

If an adult is hit for mistakes they make, that is abuse, but if a child gets hit for a mistake they make, its acceptable?

To me, its an easy way out. Its degrading and insulting and I will never understand how an adult could do that to a child, I just dont.

I never got why parents would threaten a child with physical harm. Same parents will tell their children and teach them not to hit others, but the rules change and it is fine if they decided to hit their own children at any point in time. Seems contradictory to me.

The children are expected to just sit there and not fight back. Just accept the negative physical contact as something they deserve and right and just. Sounds like a hostage situation. The parents are all they have, reminds of me of an abused wife...thinking the abuse is somehow her fault, that she somehow someway brought it on herself as certain behaviors triggers hits every now and then.

It just doesn't sit well with me, hitting children. Knowing mom or dad will make you physically hurt in some way (belt, their hand, etc.) if you don't fall into line what they deem acceptable at certain points in time is not a great mental feeling for a small person, it fosters fear and teaches more lessons than one, not good ones. And also, just because something is acceptable in society, doesn't make it moral. Owning slaves was at one time viewed as acceptable in society. As was women not voting. And on and on.

Parents only use physical violence such as hitting against (seen as weaker obviously) younger children because they can, you never see this happening in grown adult children. How would we feel if this was a husband "punishing" his wife or vice versa? Not so good.

At what point is hitting a child okay and in some way "justified"? By their parents? By their teachers? By family members? By strangers that are adults? By other children? By other older children? Why is it justified? For what reasons, for taking an extra cookie from the cookie jar, for not brushing their teeth, for crying because they don't want go visit grandma this time, etc. etc. And what type of hitting, on the butt, on the arm, on the face, on the stomach? And how many hits?

My answer to all those questions are simple. I don't believe in hitting animals or children. There are other ways to get attention, teach, and direct.

1. Were you spanked? yes. my parents had 5 children, we were all spanked at some time during our lives... some of us more often than others.
If so, do you hold any ill will towards your parents for doing so? no
Has it influenced your choice to spank or not spank your child? yes - i would spank if i felt it was an appropriate punishment for the child or the action

2. Do you or have you spanked your child? don't have any - but i have spanked [briefly] my nephews. my nieces have never required it from me.
If you don't have children, do you think you would or would not spank? like i said - if i felt it was the best choice for either the action or the child, i would.

3. What warrants a spanking? wanton or intentional destruction of property. intentional harm done to another person or to an animal. also, some children are more responsive to spankings than other punishments... i was one of these. time-outs weren't the punishment for me that they were for my sister.

4. Do you think spanking is physical abuse? not if it's done properly. a spanking should never be administered in anger.

5. Do you think a child who has been spanked will grow up to think hitting is ok, and be more physically aggressive? well, it didn't happen w/any of us, or any of the members of my parents' families [my paternal & maternal grandparents spanked their children, as did my aunts & uncles, & most of my cousins & all 3 of my siblings].

Overall, what are your thoughts on spanking as a form of discipline? i think spanking has its place as a form of punishment. some children simply don't respond to anything else.

i just wanted to respond to this - as you can see from my answers, i come from a family that does not feel spanking is a inappropriate punishment. i also come from a family of highly opinionated people!

we're vocal about our opinions, as well - we're all about as far from being submissive personalities as it is possible to be!

this includes not only my family of origin, but my extended family, as well - aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents... you get the picture!

our family reunions are always quite loud! we have at least 2 a year.

Same here - I don't know anybody in my family who is submissive, and as far as I know, all of us were spanked...

Ah, a pet peeve of mine!
I don't think the word should be spank but 'swat' since the word spank to SOME people means horrible child abuse. Yes, I have been 'swatted' on my behind as a child and I have great respect for my parents. YES I would do the same if I had children. And NO, I don't go around slapping people - even if they DO need it.
For those people that think that a swat on a childs fatty little bottom is terrible, which by the way is not painful, may I ask...When your little darling Billy is having a tantrum, kicking you and yelling at you what do you do? Do you say "no no" and let him continue his bad behavior? Does he listen to you? Or do you ignore him like most parents do especially in a crowded place irritating everyone? I get so freaking annoyed when a parent bribes, reasons or ignores the child creating havoc! How is this acceptable? I have yet to see a child being reasoned with or bribed get up and say "oh, ok mom". I have always seen them continue their bad behavior. Even a wild animal knows that a swat or nip on the ear is 'training' their young the right behavior. No one needs to beat a child, THAT is abuse. But very young children do not understand reasoning when they want something NOW.

Ok, my rant is over continue.....

Was I spanked( swatted) on occasion , ie about 5 times from2-20 ... All times I was putting or potentially putting myself in harms way ...

Do any harm to mom and I relationship . NO actually she should have used it more as it stunned me into thinking before acting ...

Have no kids but I have swatted so little ones in my care who needed it ... Ie going toward a lite candle and not listening to NO ...

abuse NO two or three swats is not ... using a belt for more than 2 or 3 swats maybe ... beating a kid YES ...

I have watched the kids I grew up with and after me ... the ones who got into legal trouble were all from the family's that reasoned with them... NONE from families where a swat occasionally was used ...

Many Kids now are tyrants and brats by age 4 cause they teach if your parent swats you Call the cops or yell abuse ...

Wow! This is a very sensitive topic to some. To the rest there is no question that it is wrong. I have to say that if someone who was sitting my child spanked or swatted them, I don't care if they were to close to a bonfire, they would be in severe harms way!
So what you are saying is that one swat with the hand, as well as one belt lashing is acceptable, but more then that is maybe abusive.......I hope you are no longer watching after any children!

This is really strange for me. I think I could forgive my mom if she slapped me in anger but I could never forgive her if she did it after she had calmed down and knew what she was doing but still used pain as a form of punishment just to make me feel humiliated and hurt...So in a sense i believe the opposite is better..

And btw- how vocal and opinionated one is has nothing to do with submissiveness and defiance....Laureen I remember you said before in another thread about legalizing drugs that the only problem about marijuana use that you have is that it's against the law: defiance would be to say if I think it's good for me I don't care what the law says...And honestly that's how I am, if I think the rule is wrong I don't obey it no matter who tells me. Is that a good thing- I'm not sure...But I really believe spanking has to do with this sometimes. I guess it depends on MANY other factors as well though..Like how often spanking was used and whether or not a lot of time was spent reasoning with the child in addition to the spanking..

My parents would lightly swat me on the hand if I was having a screaming fit. It was to shock me out of my tantrum and it worked well. The things my mother has said to me over the years have had far more effect on me than any force she's ever used.

I think that swatting/spanking works if the parents are good, use other methods to discipline their child and set boundaries, and don't hit their child for every misdeed. TBH I think that if a light swat is sufficient, then the child is probably not that badly behaved to begin with.

My nephews are spanked by my grandma and it doesn't seem to do them any good, but their parents are very nice, mild people who just aren't stern enough to keep 4 year old twin boys under control.

1. Were you spanked? If so, do you hold any ill will towards your parents for doing so? Has it influenced your choice to spank or not spank your child? I'm sure I was spanked a very few times. I don't remember this, so it couldn't have been too "scarring."

2. Do you or have you spanked your child? If you don't have children, do you think you would or would not spank? I'm not really sure on this. I would probably prefer to discipline my child in other ways, but I'm not going to say I will never spank when I do have children. I think there is a place for it, but that it should be the number one go-to in terms of discipline.

3. What warrants a spanking? I think behaviour that is not appropriate (violence, temper tantrums, disobedience, etc.) when the child does not respond to other types of discipline.

4. Do you think spanking is physical abuse? No, and I think parents are too afraid these days of doing things that are considered "abuse." My opinion is that children are too coddled these days. I don't mean beat the child of verbally embarrass them, but some parents are so caught up in positive reinforcement that they are afraid to actually PUNISH their child. I had CAS involved in one of my classrooms last year because an adult in the room took a child by the arm and led him to where he needed to be (since he had no intention on going there himself).

5. Do you think a child who has been spanked will grow up to think hitting is ok, and be more physically aggressive? I think it's a possibility if the child has a parent who uses spanking/hitting often in anger, and who use this as their only form of discipline. Children need to know that hitting is not their only way to solve a problem. But do I think that a child who is spanked on the bottom occasionally as part of discipline is going to be physically aggressive? No.

Overall, what are your thoughts on spanking as a form of discipline?

I think there are better ways to deal with problems with your child, but that sometimes what the child really needs is a little tap in the butt. I don't like when parents swat at their kids in anger, but a small tap in the butt (over clothes if in public) does not bother be at all. Or a tap on the hand if the child is touching something they should do. I think the problem is that too many people take it to the extreme or lash out in anger and that is where we get this "spanking is bad" mentality. I don't think spanking should ever be used in isolation. After the spanking, I think I parent should always speak with their child about why they were spanked and what they should do next time in order to avoid it.

As a kindergarten teacher, I see first hand the results of parents who do not discipline their children. People who's form of punishment for a 5 year old was a 5 minute time out (one minute per age of child)...even if it's the umpteenth time the child has had a time out for the same behaviour. People who were afraid of the "mental effects" of these time outs on their child (ie. if I sent a child to their chair in the middle of a lesson). People who are killing their kids with kindness. You cannot be afraid to be firm with children and show them who is boss. Most young children are not yet mature enough to moderate their own behaviour and need someone to moderate it for them and many will try to run the show if you let them. If you choose not to spank, that is your business. But a child needs to be disciplined, and I think punishment (of whatever reasonable form) is part of discipline.

Perhaps for you... for me it is extremely "cut and dried." No one has the right to touch another in an unkind way. Simple.

Being a parent is teaching and helping to guide a child to grow up to be a well adjusted, respectful adult. Bribing a child, ignoring inappropriate behavior or allowing a child to do whatever he wants is not the alternative to someone who doesnt believe in spanking. Whats the point then? But you can teach someone without laying a hand on someone. People learn all of the time, many things, many very complicated and intelligent things, every day, without being hit, in any form.

I have to tell you that I wouldn't be watching your children. That is fine for you, but any child in my care will get a swat if it is warranted.