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My loss and guilt

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
I found out yesterday that a woman I have known since childhood, whom I worked with for years died in November Talk about shock amd total disbelief. I feel so empty, so uncomfortable with the grief and the guilt. Her husband is a difficult, very private man to say the least, but to not notify anyone that she had passed so suddenly and in such an unusual way? It just leaves me speechless honestly. Another friend of ours had been trying to call her for a few weeks and finally had his phone call returned with this shocking and sad news.

She fell and broke her leg and died of toxic shock syndrome..wth? It leaves me struck with utter disbelief and I hear myself screaming loudly in my head, that things like this just dont happen to people, but they really do huh?

I cannot even cry, my mind is numb and my heart so heavy with guilt that I cannot allow myself the luxary of tears. I let her down, I let life get in the way of talking, of keeping in touch. She was lonely and had no children of her own. She taught me how to knit and weaved the most beautiful cradle for my daughter. She shared her precious memories of her mother, gave me a book of poetry that was decades old for a birthday one year, the wreath holder I use every year was lovingly given to me from her. The candy jar on my table belonged to her mother and she knew how much I loved it and again graced me with her generosity by gifting it to me at another birthday. A calligraphy pen was a thoughtful gesture when I expressed an interest in learning the art.

I loved her, she was my friend and her death is as fresh on my grieving heart as it was to her husband and family five months ago. I feel cheated, something precious is gone.

I did not appreciate what I had and it is only in death that I realize the love and gratitude I feel for this amazing woman.

I love you Ellie, rest in peace and for what it's worth..Im sorry that I was not there, that we did not do better.
post #2 of 8
So sorry about your friend.
post #3 of 8
Your story has me crying because I can feel you devastation in every word you've written. I am so very sorry that you have lost a beloved friend. Of course you feel pain and guilt, that's a natural part of grieving. Your friend knows how much you loved her, never doubt that for a moment. I will keep you in my prayers, that you will be able to find peace and closure.
post #4 of 8
Thread Starter 
The last time we spent any measurable amount of time together was Christmas 2007. We were all at my sisters place and were making cookies. I can still hear her making fun of my sister and I and how we needed new cookie sheets.She was a stickler for the small things. She was two years older than my mother and had such a young attitude, she was so much like a beloved aunt.

I have pictures and a bit of video, all of us laughing, so full of life. Those cookies mostly burned that year, we were all to busy making drinks and eating snacks. My sister gave us each cookie plates that she had special ordered, I remeber Ellie crying and she hugged us all so tightly before she rushed on home to fix dinner.

This knot in my throat is so hard to swallow and maybe if I cried the pain would ease just a bit.

It makes me truly understand how much we need to appreciate people, to make time even when there seems to be none. If it is nothing more than a quick call to say hello and tel lthem "hey Im thinking of you and I love you". You just never know when that opportunity will be taken from you.
post #5 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by anita1216 View Post

It makes me truly understand how much we need to appreciate people, to make time even when there seems to be none. If it is nothing more than a quick call to say hello and tel lthem "hey Im thinking of you and I love you". You just never know when that opportunity will be taken from you.
That's the tricky part, isn't it. Very few of us know when the end is going to come, and that's probably a blessing. I would venture to guess that nobody keeps up a constant flow of contact for everyone. It's just impossible. Contact with people ebbs and flows, and that's natural. There are friends I don't talk to for a long while, and am able to pick right up with them when I call. It's okay, it really is. Be kind to yourself, and don't beat yourself up for something you had no real control over. Go ahead and grieve, it's okay.
post #6 of 8
Oh honey, please don't beat yourself up over this. The "could've, should've, would've" thing will drive you crazy. The bottom line is she KNOWS how much you love her. She knew then and I'm sure she knows now. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but my thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry.
post #7 of 8
Oh, I'm so sorry you've lost your friend. Please don't feel any guilt, it isn't anything you could have done differently.
post #8 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pookie-poo View Post
Your story has me crying because I can feel you devastation in every word you've written. I am so very sorry that you have lost a beloved friend. Of course you feel pain and guilt, that's a natural part of grieving. Your friend knows how much you loved her, never doubt that for a moment. I will keep you in my prayers, that you will be able to find peace and closure.


I'm so sorry her husband didn't let you know sooner, and that you didn't have the opportunity to attend her funeral or her wake. I'm sure that makes the pain even worse.

I'm so sorry for your pain, and so sorry for your loss. I, too, will keep you in my prayers, that you will be able to find peace and closure.

Laurie
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