Is this normal?? my boyfriend and his new roommate

ut0pia · Mar 2, 2009

My boyfriend is renting a new house. Well first I should say that we don't live together but we've been together for about 2 years, we're both in college though so it's not a super serious relationship. I personally feel ready to move in with him, but I think it's easier if I don't at the moment, and would rather wait until after college when I have a full time job...
Anyways, so he has lived in a dorm or at his fraternity house up until now. And now, he is moving into some random house that he can rent that his best friend recommended to him. The problem is though, the person who owns the house and will be living there as his roommate, is this girl I vaguely know...My boyfriend asked me if I am okay with him living with her, and I dont' know what to say bc I am not sure how normal this is, a guy who is in a relationship living w/ some random girl as his roommate....Can someone shed some light and give me an objective person's perspective?

pipersjo · Mar 3, 2009

I think it all depends on how trusting/jealous YOU are. He could be the most trustworthy bf in the world and if you are a jealous person, you would be unsomfortable and it would create friction in the relationship. Personally, I would not be able to handle it, but, as my psychiatrist keeps telling me, I have no reason to trust. I am going to guess that you are probably like me in that you are jealous simply because you asked this question to begin with and you 2 will have trouble if he does moves in with her.

ut0pia · Mar 3, 2009

Yea, I guess I am just trying to validate whether I am really a jealous person or if anyone will be jealous in this kind of situation. I dunno if it's just me being a jealous person, I will be willing to accept it and work on being more trustworthy...

cdubbie · Mar 3, 2009

I hope it is ok if I am laughing a little bit at your post

I am female...and have had male roommates - especially when in college. To me it is perfectly normal to have male roommates and ridiculous to think some random opposite sex roommate means hanky panky will be going down!

I'm not everyone though and I'm not making fun of you really. In college, we all lived where we could. I prefer living with men compared to women actually and it was typical and normal. I might be a tad concerned with your bf if he knew the women well, was already close to her and/or it was known she was really hot for him.

Frankly, if your bf choses to be faithful regardless of opportunity or situations, putting him in a house with a woman will not make him a cheater.

swampwitch · Mar 3, 2009

Co-ed roommates/housemates was the norm when I was in university. If he's committed to you, there's really no problem. I would act like it's fine, even if I were a bit uneasy about it, and see what happens (if anything), but that's me.

Hope you work it out.

pipersjo · Mar 3, 2009

I guess I should clarify where I am coming from in my post (I read everyone elses and I sound really jealous, lol). I never lived with anyone until my last bf and I moved in together. He was a jerk and that kind of skews my view on stuff like this at this point. I totally agree that your life experiences will skew your view on any situation-- this one included.

snake_lady · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by ut0pia

The problem is though, the person who owns the house and will be living there as his roommate, is this girl I vaguely know...My boyfriend asked me if I am okay with him living with her, and I dont' know what to say bc I am not sure how normal this is, a guy who is in a relationship living w/ some random girl as his roommate....Can someone shed some light and give me an objective person's perspective?

It's perfectly normal IMHO. Jealousy is a normal human emotion too.... not a good one, but a normal one nonetheless. I'm an insecure person, was way worse a couple years back. I've been cheated on before, and it did some damage in that I have issues with trust. Today, I trust my husband completely. It took a long time, and 2 incidents before I could completely trust him.

The main question is: Do you trust your bf?

Originally Posted by CDubbie

I hope it is ok if I am laughing a little bit at your post

I am female...and have had male roommates - especially when in college. To me it is perfectly normal to have male roommates and ridiculous to think some random opposite sex roommate means hanky panky will be going down!

I'm not everyone though and I'm not making fun of you really. In college, we all lived where we could. I prefer living with men compared to women actually and it was typical and normal. I might be a tad concerned with your bf if he knew the women well, was already close to her and/or it was known she was really hot for him.

Frankly, if your bf choses to be faithful regardless of opportunity or situations, putting him in a house with a woman will not make him a cheater.

Personally, I cannot live with women. (I am female) I tried once, and lost my best friend because of it. I find women can be too picky, too controlling, and obsess over little things. Men OTH tend to shrug things off, don't get upset over little things, etc.

I've had no issues with living with men whatsoever.... I've always been "one of the guys".

tari · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by CDubbie

Frankly, if your bf choses to be faithful regardless of opportunity or situations, putting him in a house with a woman will not make him a cheater.

And, if he is a cheater, keeping him out of a house with a woman isn't likely to prevent him from cheating.

But I agree with the others...I don't think there IS a normal here. Everybody will have a different tolerance level for this type of situation.

ut0pia · Mar 3, 2009

I am okay with co ed housing if it's random assignment or looking at an ad:the only thing that worries me is that he actually knows her. I have no idea how she feels about him, I don't know her that well but she is actually his best friend's girlfriend, the best friend is the one who suggested this he is in the military and will not be here.
Oh and another thing: one of my friends had a situation- his girlfriend, him and his best friend living together and the best friend and the girlfriend ended up falling for each other and couldn't wait until my friend goes to work to be left alone lol..After my friend told me that story i'm just a bit paranoid. So this story tells me: that's what happens when friends actually decide to live together!

But yea I've decided not to make a big deal out of it and let him do what he wants. I think what happens is beyond my control- If I say that I don't want him to live there I would feel like i'm too controlling. He should make his own decisions so I am letting him do that, and I will just have to wait and see what happens and how I feel about it..

clixpix · Mar 3, 2009

I've had male roommates before (twice), and nothing really ever happened...the first roommate nothing at all happened, and the second time nothing happened because I didn't go along with things...had I decided to, something definitely could have happened (and yes, he had a gf).

I would never want anyone I was dating to have a female roommate. Is it jealousy? Lack of trust? Sure, but so what. You might think you trust your bf, but do you trust this new roommate? No, because you don't know her. IMO, it's asking for trouble.

capt_jordi · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by ut0pia

I am okay with co ed housing if it's random assignment or looking at an ad:the only thing that worries me is that he actually knows her. I have no idea how she feels about him, I don't know her that well but she is actually his best friend's girlfriend, the best friend is the one who suggested this he is in the military and will not be here.
Oh and another thing: one of my friends had a situation- his girlfriend, him and his best friend living together and the best friend and the girlfriend ended up falling for each other and couldn't wait until my friend goes to work to be left alone lol..After my friend told me that story i'm just a bit paranoid. So this story tells me: that's what happens when friends actually decide to live together!

But yea I've decided not to make a big deal out of it and let him do what he wants. I think what happens is beyond my control- If I say that I don't want him to live there I would feel like i'm too controlling. He should make his own decisions so I am letting him do that, and I will just have to wait and see what happens and how I feel about it..

The fact that the girls boyfriend is the one that suggested it is probably a good sign. And its also probably him wanting to make sure someone is there to look out for her in the event something were to happen. To me it would seem that the boyfriend trusts yours a lot and feels safe with him living there with her. And I have a lot of friends that 2 are married or engaged and are living with another friend. Housing ISNT cheap and dividing the bills up with another person is a great way to cut down on cost.
And really that story could happen just if they hung out with the other one a lot.

Why not ask to meet her and have dinner together? That way you can at least meet her and be able to get a feel for her a little more. Or even ask to go out with her and her boyfriend both before he leaves for the military.

ut0pia · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by clixpix

I've had male roommates before (twice), and nothing really ever happened...the first roommate nothing at all happened, and the second time nothing happened because I didn't go along with things...had I decided to, something definitely could have happened (and yes, he had a gf).

I would never want anyone I was dating to have a female roommate. Is it jealousy? Lack of trust? Sure, but so what. You might think you trust your bf, but do you trust this new roommate? No, because you don't know her. IMO, it's asking for trouble.

Wow, finally it isn't just me who feels this way!! That's exactly what I was initially thinking!

Originally Posted by capt_jordi

The fact that the girls boyfriend is the one that suggested it is probably a good sign. And its also probably him wanting to make sure someone is there to look out for her in the event something were to happen. To me it would seem that the boyfriend trusts yours a lot and feels safe with him living there with her. And I have a lot of friends that 2 are married or engaged and are living with another friend. Housing ISNT cheap and dividing the bills up with another person is a great way to cut down on cost.
And really that story could happen just if they hung out with the other one a lot.

Why not ask to meet her and have dinner together? That way you can at least meet her and be able to get a feel for her a little more. Or even ask to go out with her and her boyfriend both before he leaves for the military.

That's a good idea...I am going to do that, well my boyfriend wants me to go look at the house today with him and I will meet her then and will see how it goes..

carolina · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

It's perfectly normal IMHO. Jealousy is a normal human emotion too.... not a good one, but a normal one nonetheless. I'm an insecure person, was way worse a couple years back. I've been cheated on before, and it did some damage in that I have issues with trust. Today, I trust my husband completely. It took a long time, and 2 incidents before I could completely trust him.

The main question is: Do you trust your bf?

Personally, I cannot live with women. (I am female) I tried once, and lost my best friend because of it. I find women can be too picky, too controlling, and obsess over little things. Men OTH tend to shrug things off, don't get upset over little things, etc.

I've had no issues with living with men whatsoever.... I've always been "one of the guys".

I am right there with you.... But - I had plenty of male room mates, and it was perfectly ok... It all depends on you being able to handle or not... I personally don't see a problem with it... Does she have a boyfriend? It might help you if she does...
It's all a matter of trust. And it is ok for you to say you are not ok with it... He asked you for an opinion, so give it to him...

natalie_ca · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by Tari

And, if he is a cheater, keeping him out of a house with a woman isn't likely to prevent him from cheating.

But I agree with the others...I don't think there IS a normal here. Everybody will have a different tolerance level for this type of situation.

Ditto that!

I'm not a jealous person. So if my SO were just in a sharing rent situation and not interested in the girl he was living with, and vice versa I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I do have to ask though why he is wanting to share rent with a girl, but that girl isn't you?

cococat · Mar 3, 2009

I wouldn't have a problem with it based on the information given.

ut0pia · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by carolinalima

I am right there with you.... But - I had plenty of male room mates, and it was perfectly ok... It all depends on you being able to handle or not... I personally don't see a problem with it... Does she have a boyfriend? It might help you if she does...
It's all a matter of trust. And it is ok for you to say you are not ok with it... He asked you for an opinion, so give it to him...

Yea she does have a boyfriend but he will not be there he is in the military. Anyway this is getting so shady, my boyfriend told her that I might move there too one day in the future (It's a four bedroom house and only the two of them will be living there) and apparently she didn't like that idea!! Lol I was like WHAAT. I think maybe she has some hidden feelings for him based on that reaction. I don't know her so it can't be because she doesn't like me. But you are right, he asked for my opinion and I gave it to him. He said that my opinion is really important to him and would not do anything if I am not comfortable with it, so he will not live there

I think that was very sweet of him

I think based on how this whole thing happened my gut feeling was telling me: Red flag. And it seemed like there really was a red flag even tho it was almost impossible to tell what's wrong with the situation...

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Ditto that!

I'm not a jealous person. So if my SO were just in a sharing rent situation and not interested in the girl he was living with, and vice versa I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I do have to ask though why he is wanting to share rent with a girl, but that girl isn't you?

I don't want to move out yet, my parents live in the same city and close to my college so I am living with them to save money for rent, that's why..

capt_jordi · Mar 3, 2009

Originally Posted by ut0pia

Yea she does have a boyfriend but he will not be there he is in the military. Anyway this is getting so shady, my boyfriend told her that I might move there too one day in the future (It's a four bedroom house and only the two of them will be living there) and apparently she didn't like that idea!! Lol I was like WHAAT. I think maybe she has some hidden feelings for him based on that reaction. I don't know her so it can't be because she doesn't like me. But you are right, he asked for my opinion and I gave it to him. He said that my opinion is really important to him and would not do anything if I am not comfortable with it, so he will not live there

I think that was very sweet of him

I think based on how this whole thing happened my gut feeling was telling me: Red flag. And it seemed like there really was a red flag even tho it was almost impossible to tell what's wrong with the situation...

Not that I'm taking her side: But maybe she views this as a temporary solution. Maybe she sees this more as her and her boyfriends dream home and is just going with this while her boyfriend is away?

ut0pia · Mar 3, 2009

No, I'm sure that's not how she sees this, because she did say she was looking for other room mates but couldn't find any...I dunno maybe she just doesn't want another couple living with her I have no idea, and I have no idea whether she plans to stay with my bf's best friend when he goes away...maybe they are planning on ending it.

cruisermaiden · Mar 3, 2009

I lived for awhile with a male roommate. There were no issues from my boyfriend at the time or from his girlfriend. But I guess it just depends on your feelings. If you are jealous or it bothers you, I'd let him know and not stress the relationship.

cats4sky · Mar 4, 2009

i had plenty of guy roommates and it was cool, there was only 1 girl i was able to live with and that was my best friend.

BUT...if my guy all of a sudden was picking up to move in with some chic whose BF was leaving for the military, YEAH, id have a problem with that . Im a very jealous person and cant help it. I told BF that right from the start and it was cute cause whenever id get jealous over something id be like i cant help it...BUT...blah blah blah and he'd kinda just laugh it off, AND hes the total opposite, from day 1 he didnt have any problems with me hanging out with guys and i also keep in regular contact with some of my x's cause we are friends and he never gave me 1 problem.

Its almost been 4 years and im finally at the point where im totally secure with him...ive been screwed over alot so that might have something to do with it.

Is this normal?? my boyfriend and his new roommate

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