CAT COMMANDMENTS
THOU SHALT not pull the phone cord out of the back of the computer.
THOU SHALT not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
THOU SHALT not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.
THOU SHALT not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
THOU SHALT not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
THOU SHALT not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. Fast as thou art, thou canst not run through closed doors.
THOU SHALT not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
THOU SHALT not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
THOU SHALT not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
THOU SHALT not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
THOU SHALT not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
THOU SHALT remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
THOU SHALT never forget that thou art not human. Thou art a feline. That is special enough.
*************************************************
THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR CAT
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."
When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.
*************************************************************
and lastly....
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"
Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt
THOU SHALT not pull the phone cord out of the back of the computer.
THOU SHALT not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
THOU SHALT not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.
THOU SHALT not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
THOU SHALT not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
THOU SHALT not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. Fast as thou art, thou canst not run through closed doors.
THOU SHALT not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
THOU SHALT not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
THOU SHALT not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
THOU SHALT not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
THOU SHALT not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
THOU SHALT remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
THOU SHALT never forget that thou art not human. Thou art a feline. That is special enough.
*************************************************
THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR CAT
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."
When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.
*************************************************************
and lastly....
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"
Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt
