Dear Kids,
Don't be alarmed; the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap
and water.
Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown
in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy
for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next
time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water, and I'd like to test the theory.
While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things:
The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to
hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I am
on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running
for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean
it. Honest.
There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your
day. "Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet and
contemplating the bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have
important things to tell me. (Please let one of them be that you
have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum
to your hair...)
Believe it or not, shouting,
"TELEPHONE!"
through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone
stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing
Mind-Reading Mum has the day off, you'll need to write that
message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother
and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with
telephone-number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference
between the sound of "noth...ing" and the sound of a child playing
the piano with a football. I can also hear you shouting at the
top of your lungs. I'm choosing not to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom.
No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me
forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No,
you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other
bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait.
Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going
outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbours
don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked.
Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get
my attention. I know it works in the movies, but this is reality,
a place where people don't like to sit in a bath while rocks and
broken glass rain down on them.
Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies are:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire engine in front of our house.
Emergencies are not:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red car in front of our house.
By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby cancelled.
Be good. Entertain yourselves. (Yes, you can do both at the same
time.)
Try colouring, playing a game or paying that stack of bills on the
coffee table.
I'll be out soon. Maybe.
Love, Mom
Don't be alarmed; the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap
and water.
Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown
in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy
for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next
time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water, and I'd like to test the theory.
While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things:
The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to
hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I am
on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running
for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean
it. Honest.
There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your
day. "Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet and
contemplating the bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have
important things to tell me. (Please let one of them be that you
have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum
to your hair...)
Believe it or not, shouting,
"TELEPHONE!"
through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone
stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing
Mind-Reading Mum has the day off, you'll need to write that
message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother
and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with
telephone-number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference
between the sound of "noth...ing" and the sound of a child playing
the piano with a football. I can also hear you shouting at the
top of your lungs. I'm choosing not to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom.
No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me
forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No,
you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other
bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait.
Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going
outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbours
don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked.
Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get
my attention. I know it works in the movies, but this is reality,
a place where people don't like to sit in a bath while rocks and
broken glass rain down on them.
Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies are:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire engine in front of our house.
Emergencies are not:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red car in front of our house.
By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby cancelled.
Be good. Entertain yourselves. (Yes, you can do both at the same
time.)
Try colouring, playing a game or paying that stack of bills on the
coffee table.
I'll be out soon. Maybe.
Love, Mom
