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Why do "friends" do this stuff?

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
So my very good friend(1 that knows EVERYTHING about me) has decided that he should no longer talk to me. I texted him this morning and yesterday, and called him this AM, and he will not answer me. Any other time he answers within a few hours and all of a sudden he no longer contacts me. This all started a little over a week ago when I texted him to let him know I got a puppy and didn't send one of his normal responses (usually he would have teased me about yet another animal, but this time he just was sort of disgusted I guess). Before that, he texted and called me every day. I was supposed to go and see a concert with him at the end of this month out of state and basically just wanted to make sure he still wanted to go (I just asked him the other day and did get a short affimative but since he is acting a so strangely I wanted to double check), but he wouldn't even respond. I suspect that he is dating someone and doesn't want to make her jealous however he wouldn't admit it to me (not that it matters to me but I didn't want to interfere with a new relationship by staying with him in a hotel). I sent him the hotel cancellation email with a little note telling him I would no longer bother him and that he needed to leave me alone as well. This is not the first time he has done something similar however it is the first time he has cut off all contact. It has really upset me! I have been sick for the last couple of days and this really doesn't make me feel any better. Sorry this is so long-- it is just so dissapointing to me that someone that I consider such a good friend would do this.

ETA- Ok so i just re read the email I sent and let's just say that is more antagonistic than what I remembered writing. Oh well i guess what's done is done, but man, why does it have to be this way?
post #2 of 22
Can you try calling him and talking to him w/o all the technical communication? Emails and texts can really be open to all kinds of interpretation b/c you cannot hear the inflection. Ask him why he's behaving like this. I am a very direct person and I like answers and resolution. but some people don't. That's me, I guess.

Have you known him long enough to do that? I have had girlfriends who are all "hey let's hang out and we're best buds" until they start dating someone. Then I might as well be a potted plant. Some people are like that... and to me, that means they are very insecure and maybe not as good a friend as you thought.
post #3 of 22
Thread Starter 
That's the thing-- I did try to call him this morning. We have been friends for 5 or 6 years and yes we did date, which I think actually made us closer. I am a very direct person as well which is why I wanted to get to the bottom of this. I hate playing games and don't need/want all the drama that comes with games. I guess I just need to write off all of the time that we have been friends since he is doing this. He told me that he was just working a lot but he always works a lot and he hasn't increased his hours. He always had time to talk to me before so I guess I am just mad.
post #4 of 22
I'm sorry you are going thru this.

Unfortunately, it happens alot.... when a friend gets a new bf/gf/spouse the friend is usually left behind

I would expect a level of maturity though. I would hope that any of my friends would have the cajones to tell me to my face what they feel, instead of just all of a sudden not talking to me.

It's different when you just drift apart.... that's generally a mutual thing. People get busy, and forget to make time to say to a friend...they get married, have kids, etc. and you just drift.

My advice: Don't write it off. 5-6yrs is a long time friendship. Give him some space, without saying "fine I'll leave you alone" (that just seems spiteful), whether that be a couple days or a couple of weeks. Let him contact you, to avoid the "nagging" appearance. YOU be the mature one When he does finally call or contact you, be honest with how much this hurt. I would hope he would apologise or actually talk to you about what went on.

Good luck.
post #5 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snake_Lady View Post
My advice: Don't write it off. 5-6yrs is a long time friendship. Give him some space, without saying "fine I'll leave you alone" (that just seems spiteful), whether that be a couple days or a couple of weeks. Let him contact you, to avoid the "nagging" appearance. YOU be the mature one When he does finally call or contact you, be honest with how much this hurt. I would hope he would apologise or actually talk to you about what went on.

Good luck.
Thank you! I was already kinda spiteful so too late for that. We are 30 years old and he still has not grown up enough to quit playing these stupid games. Of course, I guess I am just as bad since I get hurt and then spiteful because i am hurt. I guess I need to learn to curb my tongue/emails a little better. I am actually better than I used to be but still spout off pretty quickly.
post #6 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by pipersjo View Post
Thank you! I was already kinda spiteful so too late for that. We are 30 years old and he still has not grown up enough to quit playing these stupid games. Of course, I guess I am just as bad since I get hurt and then spiteful because i am hurt. I guess I need to learn to curb my tongue/emails a little better. I am actually better than I used to be but still spout off pretty quickly.
I think we all do. It is hard not to when we hurt because generally we want to make the other person hurt too. But you've calmed down, so you can always start now
post #7 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snake_Lady View Post
I think we all do. It is hard not to when we hurt because generally we want to make the other person hurt too. But you've calmed down, so you can always start now
Thank you! I sent an email apologizing for telling him to not speak to me again, but that will definately be the last contact from me. Its kind of hard to be friends with someone that never talks to you. It funny because a couple of months ago we had a conversation to this effect and it got better after that. Oh well i guess this is why he has no old friends.
post #8 of 22
You said he's done this before? Pull back within himself like this? Is so, my guess is you have someone who's very introverted. That's simply how we function, even if it drives people crazy when they don't hear so much as a peep out of you for two months or more.
Give him space, that's all you can do.
post #9 of 22
i have also recently experienced this...

my cousin and i have been close since college, and we always used to hang out, go to car shows and we did allot of racing together a few years back aswell. however, since he got his recent g/f i cant ever get hold of him, if i text, i rarely get a reply, and if i call he wont answer if he is with her?

and its not just me being paranoid but i honestly think he is ashamed of me somehow. i have never met his girlfriend, and he has been with her for well over 6 months now. i think he is worried i will show him up, or spoil it for him somehow. i think she might be a bit stuck up, and he may be worried she will think less of him as im just a mechanic, and a "bit of rough"

my brother is the same though, can never get him now he is married. he lived next door to me with his wife for 2 years and i nver saw him then either!
post #10 of 22
i kinda think that when anyone starts seeing someone they tend to pay attention to them a little more, but after some time it should return to a normal friendship. my best friend is a guy and whenever he starts dating someone i kinda wont hear from him for a while but then everything goes back to normal.

i still talk to all my friends but we dont hang out that much because we are all pretty far from each other and because i love my couch lol
post #11 of 22
Thread Starter 
Well, he sent me an email back and was pretty snotty back at me so I would say this friendship is over. It sucks but I am guessing that that is what he really wanted but yet again was too much of a coward to tell me. I guess I don't really need a friend like that but it is soooo dissapointing.
post #12 of 22
I'm tempted to say "it's a guy thing". They see things differently than women do.

I've had girl friends drop me in favor of the latest boyfriend. Those friends I don't miss.

When I was a lot younger I did have a guy friend that didn't call for months and then got mad when I asked "where the heck have you been"? Then scolded me because he thought I had not been a good enough friend.

It turned out to be the last time I talked to him. At the time I was hurt and did miss him. But now years later I realize that it was a one sided friendship and wouldn't have been worth keeping.

Maybe your friend will grow up and realize what he has lost by giving up your friendship.
post #13 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CheshireCat View Post
Maybe your friend will grow up and realize what he has lost by giving up your friendship.
Nah, don't think so. I turned almost stalker on him today trying to get to the bottom of it and he is steadfastly ignoring my calls so I guess that is my answer. He emailed me but refuses to talk on the phone and that says a lot.
post #14 of 22
I hope you don't get offended with me asking but is it possible you still have feelings for him?
post #15 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellingtonCats View Post
I hope you don't get offended with me asking but is it possible you still have feelings for him?
I'm not offended and yes its possible but I think what upsets me most is that he was the 1 I could tell anything to. He was the first person I called when I was finally cancer free, he was who I vented to through nursing school when no one else cared, he was such a good friend and now all of a sudden he doesn't want anything to do with me. Yes I have my best friend but she just came back from iraq and she hasn't been able to be there (and i haven't been able to be there for her) so we're still playing catch up with everything. He has been there so long and now I feel almost lost without him being there for me.
post #16 of 22
Maybe he thinks this is the only way to get rid of you? I hate to sound like an a$$, but it seems like you are very overbearing on him and writing him off after a few days of not talking? If I was him, I'd say Good Riddance!

Reason I say this is I've been there...
post #17 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whisky'sDad View Post
Maybe he thinks this is the only way to get rid of you? I hate to sound like an a$$, but it seems like you are very overbearing on him and writing him off after a few days of not talking? If I was him, I'd say Good Riddance!

Reason I say this is I've been there...
Maybe he does think this but I haven't talked to him for over a week and I was supposed to make a 4hour trip to see a concert with him and I was paying for the hotel room. I have animals to make plans for and I need to make sure I have everything taken care of before I leave. It might only be an overnight trip but someone needs to be here for the cats and the dog and I can't just drop this on someone at the last minute. I have responsibilities whereas he doesn't. I am glad that he doesn't want to be friends with me if he thinks like you especially since we have been friends for 5 or 6 years.
post #18 of 22
That must really hurt. I'm sure it probably hurts him too, he just expresses it differently. You probably said things to each other that you might not really have meant, but it came out wrong, and that can really sting. I'd just give him some space. If he wants to tell you what's wrong, eventually he'll come around- if not, his loss!
post #19 of 22
Thread Starter 
This is an old thread but I am going to ressurect this just to update everyone. Turns out, he does have a new GF and that is exactly why he was ignoring me and lying to me. I guess good riddance but it still sucks since we were supposedly such good friends. I would really like to send him an email teling him that I know that he has a new GF and I am happy for him and that I know he was lying the entire time but I don't want to butt in his life since he doesn't me there. What do you guys think-- would you email him?
post #20 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by pipersjo View Post
This is an old thread but I am going to ressurect this just to update everyone. Turns out, he does have a new GF and that is exactly why he was ignoring me and lying to me. I guess good riddance but it still sucks since we were supposedly such good friends. I would really like to send him an email teling him that I know that he has a new GF and I am happy for him and that I know he was lying the entire time but I don't want to butt in his life since he doesn't me there. What do you guys think-- would you email him?
At this point? No, I wouldn't. You've already tried to go down that road and he shot you down.

Let him live in his little world with his new GF, and move on. Think of it like a break up. You just need to move on from him, and his life. In the meantime, vent into a diary,
post #21 of 22
I would not email him. I would write a nasty letter and then destroy it (just to get my feelings out).
post #22 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by pipersjo View Post
This is an old thread but I am going to ressurect this just to update everyone. Turns out, he does have a new GF and that is exactly why he was ignoring me and lying to me. I guess good riddance but it still sucks since we were supposedly such good friends. I would really like to send him an email teling him that I know that he has a new GF and I am happy for him and that I know he was lying the entire time but I don't want to butt in his life since he doesn't me there. What do you guys think-- would you email him?
I have to say that after reading this thread, I would tend to agree with Whisky's Dad. It seems your ex-friend has moved on with his life and is trying to sever any ties with you. The mature thing to do would be to let it go and move on yourself. Perhaps he felt he needed to lie to you because of your potential reaction in which case I can't really blame him. He was essentially trying to be nice to you by not telling you the truth. Guys seem to have more trouble breaking things off than girls in my experience.

Let it go, let him go, and you move on with your own life would be my advice.
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