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I think I was better off not knowing...?

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
It has been five years since Calypso "Kip" disappeared. He was just a little over a year old when he simply didn't come home. Well, after five years of not knowing (we looked everywhere and did everything we could), I found out today what happened to him.

A friend of mine told me today that she immediately knew what happened but never wanted to say because it was so sad. Kip was attacked by feral dogs not too far from our home at the time. Now it's been so long but I feel like that's just opened up a whole new batch of emotions all over again. I guess it was a quick death but now that I know, I almost feel ill, like there was something I could've done - maybe been more vigilant or something.

But it was just like I *knew* something terrible happened when one of our neighbors mentioned those wild dogs in the area. I felt a sickening feeling.

What can I do? It's been so long, it's all in the past now...
post #2 of 11
Now that you know, it is time to grieve. There is no more wondering, no more hoping. Even though it was a tragic event, your friend should have let you know, so that you would have had closure at the time.
It is horrible that you have wild dogs like that. Has the problem since been resolved?
Maybe you could have a little memorial service for Kip. Bring out his pics and write down memories of him and listen to sad music and cry and cry and get it all out. It is what works best for me, I have found. I have had a miscarriage at 5-1/2 mos. along, lost an 18yo nephew to murder, a 43 yo brother to a drunken driver; a husand to a mining accident. With the miscarriage, I had a 5yo & a 2yo to care for; with my brother, I had to be at work the day after the funeral, so I wasn't able to get it all out, and sometimes there are unshed tears that want to come out, even after all these years.
And try to think of your dear Kip, running to the Bridge with the others, including those poor children, babies & kitties who were killed in Australia's bush-fires, going to greet them and comfort them and tell them, Yes, it's true - you're in Heaven now! Play happily together over RB, little angels
post #3 of 11
Thread Starter 
Oh my God.. I wish I were as brave and resilient as you are! I'm an emotional whirlwind over my cat, God help if it were a family member or a child!

With the dogs...it's really not something common but during that summer there were a pack of 3-4 or so of them running around in the woods. I haven't heard anything about them since that time, so hopefully it's taken care of (my cats are all indoors now where it's safer for them!)

I think I'd always figured that Calypso had died. Or I had hoped that someone found him and he wasn't suffering. I don't think I expected to hear of a death that tragic and sudden. I can understand why my friend didn't tell me then. I would've had an absolute meltdown. Now it's getting easier to cope with day by day.

I reminded myself that it was probably a very quick death and I couldn't have helped him even if I wanted to (me facing down a pack of wild dogs? Calypso was very brave). I also keep telling myself it was a good thing I didn't find him after all. Wherever he is, I have a feeling he remembers me and was happy to be our cat for even just a little while. I hope that he knows how much he meant to us.

I've lost cats before...but it was never due to an attack. I think that's what's got me so tore up. He wasn't even much over a year old. It's amazing how such a young life had such an impact on my husband and I.
post #4 of 11
I am so sorry.

post #5 of 11
I feel angry at your friend to be honest for keeping this from you, because while she thought she was doing you a favour by not telling you, really she's opened old wounds

Had you known from the beginning you could have grieved there and then, but now your going to have to start reliving things over again

RIP Calypso

post #6 of 11
Thread Starter 
Well, it's okay. I mean I'm not really angry at her because I never really grieved for Kip's death before. I grieved because I couldn't find him and was beside myself looking for him. Now that I know, I feel like I can finally put it behind me and move on. While nobody will ever take Kip's place, I do have two wonderful cats now that are an absolute joy in my life.

Still those haunting images seem to play out over and over again in my head. Please tell me something like that eventually goes away as I come to grips with what happened!
post #7 of 11
Yes, those images do fade, but for me, I had to relive them. My nephew was in Hawaii, and in a coma. I had asked his nurse to be sure to tell him that his Aunt Sue was coming from California. About an hour later, the nurses called me back to tell me that when he was given my message, he let out a long groan. But a couple hours later, as my mom & I were beginning the 300 mile drive to the airport,(less than 5 mi. from the house) I was overcome with overwhelming pain from kidney stones. I had a lot of bleeding, so the doctors wouldn't clear me to travel. By the next morning, my sweet prince (I was his mom's Lamaze coach at his birth, and his "duena" for the first 2 weeks of his life) was brain-dead - I still wonder (it was in 1992) if he would have been able to hang on, if only I'd been there. It hurts still, brings tears to my eyes and a crushing pain to my chest, so I push the memory back.
If I hear the Offspring's song, "Feels like Heaven is so far away", and have a good, private cry, it really helps. When my brother was killed in 1993, and my co-workers were comforting me with, "well, he was such a good man, we know he's in Heaven", I just blurted out, "But it feels like Heaven is so far away!" and later a song came out with those exact feelings, and so I know that you and I are not alone in these feelings.
If only I had been able to come to TCS during those dark days, it would have helped so much. Just reading the posts above this one, I am so glad that we are able to reach out & the others hear and truly, truly understand and care
post #8 of 11
Thread Starter 
I've been so distraught all day today. Thank God I work from home, I'd never be able to go to work like this. I think his suffering is what hurts me more than anything. I know dogs are just doing what comes to them naturally in the wild...but why did it have to be my poor defenseless little guy? He was so young.

I've had pets die before, but it was almost like I knew it would happen. They were really sick and had to be put down or just died of old age. Those that were still young when something happened, I got to say goodbye at least. I had a cat get poisoned once and she was about the same age as Kip was. I've just never been as upset as I am now. Knowing how he died is infinitely worse than finally knowing that he died.

I know he's moved on now, he's probably bringing some other family a barrel of laughs as we speak. Why can't I seem to get over him? I'm going to be a miserable wreck if this keeps up.
post #9 of 11
I'm so sorry about Kip. Having them taken away at a young age is awful. Only 3 1/2 years with my Monti seems so unfair. I was just really getting to know him and we has such a strong bond that just kept getting strong, I wanted it to last forever. As soon as I knew I had to make the decision I felt like I was going to die. It hurt so incredibly bad for 3 weeks but then I knew I had to move on, let him go and give myself some peace. I hope you can find peace soon.
post #10 of 11
Thread Starter 
I think it hurts more when they go so suddenly and tragically than when you know it's time. Not that that makes it hurt any less though.

Poppy, it looks to me like you've got a real sweetie from your signature image there! Other cats dont quite fill the void, but they sure to make it easier to get over a loss - in time.
post #11 of 11
Thread Starter 
Today was a little bit easier. Yesterday I was a bawling mess. Today I was a bawling mess from abound 3 in the afternoon onwards. :P

I've tried writing letters to him, just to write and get it all out but that really hurts. I wonder if he knows I'm writing him. Sometimes I can feel like he's near me even though it's been so many years.

I really feel like he's happy where he is. He's safe and well-cared for. I feel like he knows my heart aches for him. It just hurts terribly knowing how he died. He didn't deserve that. I feel mad at the dogs but I know it's not really their fault. But why my sweet, shy little guy, you know?

Anytime I'm not posting here to reading about how to get over the loss of a pet, I seem to feel better, even if thoughts of Kip come up. I'm afraid I'll just always be an emotional mess over this. I've never lost a pet so suddenly before.

I finally found out how to add photos too. Thought you'd like to see how beautiful I remember him:

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