I disagree. There are many things that can contribute, and stress is a huge one. Things that have nothing to do with meds, drugs OR cheating...
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How honest is too honest in a relationship? (Looooonnnggg story)
- Thread starter baloneysmom
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I can't recall if they studied sex drive in relation to the wife. But studies have proved that the urge to look elsewhere is less in those that are married and have kids, not that the sex drive dies. That would be counter productive to the human species, people wouldn't breed.
As I said, everyone is different. He may not be cheating, assuming that he is and thus going and cheating herself based on low self esteem and/or paranoia will ruin the relationship. Who knows maybe he thinks she cheating already and that's made him pull away?
He may be depressed or just suffering from a low sex drive. It can change for various reasons and maybe he needs to be checked out physically, too.Originally Posted by strange_wings
I can't recall if they studied sex drive in relation to the wife. But studies have proved that the urge to look elsewhere is less in those that are married and have kids, not that the sex drive dies. That would be counter productive to the human species, people wouldn't breed.
As I said, everyone is different. He may not be cheating, assuming that he is and thus going and cheating herself based on low self esteem and/or paranoia will ruin the relationship. Who knows maybe he thinks she cheating already and that's made him pull away?
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I guess it was such a long story I forgot to add what exactly we are debating is too honest for a relationship. This girl is very honest with her husband. She has told him on multiple occasions she needs more romance, has told him she doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t like how he never says he loves her, has complained she is over worked at home, feels unloved, she even mentioned once she likes when guys check her out because it makes her feel pretty because he never compliments her.
She has told me she has only had a handful of boyfriends and has never cheated on them or even thought about straying. This is the only guy she has ever had where she feels she needs to go out of the relationship to get what she needs, apparently this guy at work is not the first guy she has “lightly†flirted with. She tells me when she daydreams about romance and stuff it never involves her boyfriend. If he was cheating she wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t be mad that he betrayed her, more that because sheâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s with him she cant get what she needs, and he got what he needed. She makes sure she makes eye contact with every guy that checks her out to gain self-confidence. She thinks about things her exâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s did for her a lot. She said every day her brain is consumed with what she is not getting and how she can get it without actually cheating, she said its making her feel like her head is not right.
I am a true believer that most men need to be handled sensitively when it comes to their ego. If I had a crush on a guy I would never tell my boyfriend and would find other ways to work things out without telling him. This girlâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s situation is different though, itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s obvious itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s not her fault as she has never been in this situation before, I think she should tell him everything and be completely honest.
For some of your questions they both work full time and split the bills 50/50. She has asked if he was depressed and has researched the signs to make sure he is not. His sex drive… I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know we donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t go into that much detail lol.
She has told me she has only had a handful of boyfriends and has never cheated on them or even thought about straying. This is the only guy she has ever had where she feels she needs to go out of the relationship to get what she needs, apparently this guy at work is not the first guy she has “lightly†flirted with. She tells me when she daydreams about romance and stuff it never involves her boyfriend. If he was cheating she wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t be mad that he betrayed her, more that because sheâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s with him she cant get what she needs, and he got what he needed. She makes sure she makes eye contact with every guy that checks her out to gain self-confidence. She thinks about things her exâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s did for her a lot. She said every day her brain is consumed with what she is not getting and how she can get it without actually cheating, she said its making her feel like her head is not right.
I am a true believer that most men need to be handled sensitively when it comes to their ego. If I had a crush on a guy I would never tell my boyfriend and would find other ways to work things out without telling him. This girlâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s situation is different though, itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s obvious itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s not her fault as she has never been in this situation before, I think she should tell him everything and be completely honest.
For some of your questions they both work full time and split the bills 50/50. She has asked if he was depressed and has researched the signs to make sure he is not. His sex drive… I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know we donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t go into that much detail lol.
Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with harmless flirting even when you're married. Some people may disagree with me, but it IS an ego boost. I don't mind if DH just flirts and vise versa....but if it ever goes to the next level that's something else.
If your friend is seriously thinking about cheating she DOES need to talk to him and explain the reasons why. It sounds more like she is just missing the physical aspect rather than she is actually looking for a "relationship" with the other person. Everyone's sex drive is different. Everyone gets "hot and bothered" at the beginning of a relationship, but after a few years it changes. DH and I are going through this right now. His running joke is the best form of birth control is wedding cake.
(TMI?).
Anyway, I personally think he should talk to his doctor and see if they can prescribe something to help boost his interest. It won't make him more romatic or make him do the dishes (I WISH there was a pill for that!
) but if she is more satisfied in that part of their relationship, maybe everything else wouldn't bother her so much.
Just a thought.
If your friend is seriously thinking about cheating she DOES need to talk to him and explain the reasons why. It sounds more like she is just missing the physical aspect rather than she is actually looking for a "relationship" with the other person. Everyone's sex drive is different. Everyone gets "hot and bothered" at the beginning of a relationship, but after a few years it changes. DH and I are going through this right now. His running joke is the best form of birth control is wedding cake.
Anyway, I personally think he should talk to his doctor and see if they can prescribe something to help boost his interest. It won't make him more romatic or make him do the dishes (I WISH there was a pill for that!
Just a thought.
Bottom line for me is that they need to get into counseling, if he will go. He needs to really HEAR what she is saying. My bet is he isn't listening or hearing it (taking it in). Maybe is she lets him know she's a serious as a heart attack it will have an impact. But she needs to keep in mind she cannot change his basic/core nature. Nor can he.
Add inconsiderate and uninterested; it sounds like there is a lot wrong!
If she still loves him, she needs to encourage him to get a physical. She should be honest with him but start out slowly - perhaps tell him his lack libido is worrisome and he needs a complete checkup.
Men are always interested in sex, with three exceptions: his testosterone levels are low, he has other health issues such as low thyroid, or he is having sex with someone else.
You know, thinking about this some more - guys sometimes think they can let go/stop working on the relationship once the deal is sealed. As in,"ok, got her to marry me, I don't have to do anything else now." (women do this, too.)
As we have said here - that doesn't make for a strong and healthy marriage. Maybe this guy doesn't have a clue as to how to work on a marriage and keep it going. Maybe his experience is that the woman should do all the work in the relationship. Again, circling back, your friend and her hubs need some counseling badly.
As we have said here - that doesn't make for a strong and healthy marriage. Maybe this guy doesn't have a clue as to how to work on a marriage and keep it going. Maybe his experience is that the woman should do all the work in the relationship. Again, circling back, your friend and her hubs need some counseling badly.
IMO there is no such thing as too honest in a healthy relationship.
Josh and I tell eachother everything...and I mean everything. Even when its awkward, hurtful, embarassing..etc....we get through it because we communicate.
Without telling her hubby exactly how she feels, and I mean EXACTLY how she feels. How would it ever get resolved?
Josh and I tell eachother everything...and I mean everything. Even when its awkward, hurtful, embarassing..etc....we get through it because we communicate.
Without telling her hubby exactly how she feels, and I mean EXACTLY how she feels. How would it ever get resolved?
Ever since reading this thread last night, I've had an old Carly Simon song in my head:
We have no secrets
We tell each other everything...
...In the name of honesty
In the name of what is fair
You always answer my questions
But they don't always answer my prayers
...And though I know you say
That it's me that you adore
Sometimes I wish
Often I wish
That I never never knew
Some of those secrets of yours...
I think there are limits to how much frankness is too much... but they're flexible limits, and they vary from person to person. To avoid being hurtful when discussing areas in which you're unhappy, it would probably be best to speak earnestly and lovingly, but directly. The worst thing would be to make your loved one feel he is being humored or patronized. And in my experience, when you humor someone, you begin to lose respect for him... and loss of respect for your partner is lethal to a marriage.
I would also think it best to speak in terms of being concerned with the state of the relationship, rather than disappointed in the other person. It's much easier for most of us to accept the need for change if it's presented as something both parties need to cooperate in -- which, of course, it is.
We have no secrets
We tell each other everything...
...In the name of honesty
In the name of what is fair
You always answer my questions
But they don't always answer my prayers
...And though I know you say
That it's me that you adore
Sometimes I wish
Often I wish
That I never never knew
Some of those secrets of yours...
I think there are limits to how much frankness is too much... but they're flexible limits, and they vary from person to person. To avoid being hurtful when discussing areas in which you're unhappy, it would probably be best to speak earnestly and lovingly, but directly. The worst thing would be to make your loved one feel he is being humored or patronized. And in my experience, when you humor someone, you begin to lose respect for him... and loss of respect for your partner is lethal to a marriage.
I would also think it best to speak in terms of being concerned with the state of the relationship, rather than disappointed in the other person. It's much easier for most of us to accept the need for change if it's presented as something both parties need to cooperate in -- which, of course, it is.
There's no such thing as too honest.
Denying it also allows us to put on a more gentlemanly facade .
Lack of interest may also be a symptom of differing "tastes" in the bedroom, so to speak. Well, not even just in the bedroom, but in the rest of the relationship as well, behaviorally speaking. Still, that means lack of communication about a very serious subject, and if that's the case, they're in for relationship meltdown if they can't work it out... everybody is different, and a lot of times people are afraid to tell their partners what they truly want for fear of reprisal, embarrassment, or rejection.
Counseling is probably the only way to resolve their issues, whatever the cause.
I'm a guy. I think this is right on the money... straight men think about sex and women all the time, and if we say otherwise, we're usually lying, barring one of the aforementioned medical conditions... Sometimes it's more polite to lie.
Lack of interest may also be a symptom of differing "tastes" in the bedroom, so to speak. Well, not even just in the bedroom, but in the rest of the relationship as well, behaviorally speaking. Still, that means lack of communication about a very serious subject, and if that's the case, they're in for relationship meltdown if they can't work it out... everybody is different, and a lot of times people are afraid to tell their partners what they truly want for fear of reprisal, embarrassment, or rejection.
Counseling is probably the only way to resolve their issues, whatever the cause.
I agree highly. Cheating is not an option. A better option would be for her to go to counseling to see why she feels that is even an option and also for them to go to counseling as a couple. I feel bad for them, they really need some help.Originally Posted by CarolPetunia
Precisely. And it's not a solution... it would only add self-loathing to her problems.
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