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I posted a few months ago about losing my Tazzy and

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
I still cant get past it, I mean I am a mess, I cried all weekend and know if I going to lose it as I type this out but I have to face this and need to know how to get through it. I know it's ok to cry but how do I get through knowing it was my fault she died, Please don't tell me it wasn't because it clearly was. The facts are this

My 13 year old Tazzy was never declawed because when she was 7 I was told she was too old so I never thought about it, not once. Then we bought this new house and bought some new furniture that I hadn't paid any money on and she started tearing away at it, so I tried other things and even tried clipping her tips of her nails and she still got holes in it, so I called around to 4 local vets, all of them told me she wasn't too old and I was surprised, one even told me about the laser surgery and it was more but the chance of infection was low and pain was low so I was all for it.

Then I took her in, brought her home the next day, she was doing great, I have another cat that lives here and they share a huge litter box. I had put the new litter I had to use in the box. For 3 days I could not find any used litter, I was wondering what and where their potty was and then My other cat starting howling and then I found he had gone behind a couch, I wasnt sure if Tazzy was using it, she was eating but I could not find poop in the litter, so I switched it back to the old litter and told myself too keep an eye on her paws, I think because she was seeming completly normal that I didn't think the litter would hurt her. Also I had to give her antibiotics and pain meds daily, the pain meds went down easy but the antibiotics, she either spit it out the side of her mouth or ended up gagging it up, I tried for days and thought after 5 days that I was hurting her by forcing her to take it when she would throw up so I stopped thinking she dind't have an infection anyways. 2 weeks went by she seemed great, then all of a sudden, I was wondering if she was eating because I wouldn't see her eat but I would see her drinking water, my son told me I saw her eating so a few more days go by and then my son told me that her paw was bleeding so I hurried in and took her in the bathroom and saw that one of her paw fingers was open, I mean they had glued them because it was the laser surgery and I could see one was open. So I cleaned her up and the next day I had to go to the airport to take family so I told my husband to take her to the vet, I said to him, if she does not have an infection, do not get anymore antibiotics that we have to give her by mouth, tell them she does not hold them down, also I said tell them she is not eating and also that her meow was gone I noticed. He took her in and they said her meow was gone from the tube in her throat during surgery and also never said she lost weight or anything, he said they cleaned her paw and soaked it and asked if we wanted to try antibotics and he said no but told me they never said she had an infection, they said make sure we use the right litter. Ok so then 4 days go by and I still see she is not eating, she looks horrible, breath smells so bad so I call them up again and take her right in, they said she had an infection, no fever, also I had go her paw wet because I rinsed it off and I noticed purple going up her leg, I showed them this and they said I will give you an antibotic, and I said I need a shot one or something I can give her that I know it will all go in her so they kept her, gave her fluids all day and gave her the injection that they said would last 2 weeks, I took her home, force fed her that day and all day the next, by Friday morning she looked so good, I took her to the vet for them to check her out, they said it was a great improvement and I said the only thing was she had diarrea, they gave me meds for that and on Saturday I gave them to her, she was eating Friday night but on Saturday it seemed harder to force feed her, by Saturday night the food wasn't going down and we had a hard time, she looked horrible again, going from looking so good on Friday to very sick looking late Saturday night. Sunday morning I got up and she seemed to be sleeping but I knew she hadn't got up, I could tell, so I went over and picked her up and held her in my arms, she jerked her legs and let out two meows at me as she looked into my eyes and she then wet on me and I realized she just died, she waited for me to pick her up, she laid there and waited for us to wake up and hold her to die. How can I get through this, how can I continue on with my life knowing that I took my cat's life by making this decision over some stupid furniture that I could seriously take out front and burn if I didn't owe so much on, I didn't get her to the vets soon enough, I didn't use the right litter, I didn't take care of her like I should have and now I don't have her, now she is out back in the ground buried with cold snow on top of the ground, she hated to be cold and now she is in a cold ground. I know you can say she is at a better place but she is alone, waiting for us, wanting to be with her family. I look at my cat as a child and I feel like an awful parent right now and I cant get over this, no matter how much I try, I can't. I feel like I killed my cat and I had her since she was a baby, she comforted me when I was pregnant, she layed by my side. I just don't know how to go on, I can't stop thinking of this and I am overwhelming myself with thoughts and I feel like I can't get through this. Please tell me what to do, I can't face that she is dead, I want her back and I want to hold her, tell her I love her.
post #2 of 13

I am so sorry....
post #3 of 13
I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, but I think it's time to start moving on. Being this upset is not going to bring your cat back. That said, almost a year later, I still have my sad moments about my Zoey. I can't say I'll ever be completely over it...but on a daily basis, I have moved past the ordeal.

The first step I think is accepting that you made mistakes, but that you did not kill your cat. As for declawing, lots of people declaw their cats. Most vets do not education clients at all about declawing and the possible ramifications. While you now know, you didn't before. All the other stuff, by the sounds of it, the whole way along you did what you thought was best for your cat. You may not have made the best decisions, but in no way were you intending to harm your kitty or neglecting her. In most cases where a death dies, except from old age, there is some fault to be placed on the owners. Whether it be letting the cat outside, not getting it to the vet in time, not paying attention to its needs, not being able to afford medical treatment or making some wrong decision down the line. We are human and we make mistakes. However, most of us do the best jobs we can with our pets. However, with pets, just like with human children, sometimes our best isn't good enough.

You loved your cat and by the sounds of it, you supported all the way to her death. I don't think she would be "mad" at you. To me, the fact that she wanted to be with you in her last moments proved that she knew where to get her love and comfort from.

Also, she is not buried outside in the cold. Her body is. I don't know what you believe about afterlife, but I don't think that anyone thinks that a living, thinking being remains with their body after death. She is either happy at the Rainbow Bridge, or at very least somewhere where she feels no pain (even if that place is plan and simply non-existent).

Perhaps you need to do something in her memory. I know you can get engraved stones with pictures/names. Or, make a donation to an animal shelter. Or come up with some sort of education pamphlet/website about declawing. Something to help you accept that she's gone and move on knowing that, while you made some mistakes, you loved her and cared for her, which is the most important thing.

I know you have another cat, so I'm not sure if this will help you. FOR ME, it helped immensely for me to get another pet (2 actually ) after Zoey passed away. At first, I didn't even consider it, but within a couple of weeks, I had 2 new babies. They did not replace Zoey at all, despite the fact that Belle looks quite a bit like Zoey did. Their owner sent me the pictures and Belle's eyes looked up at me and I really think that somehow Zoey sent these beautiful kitties to me. I learned a lot of lessons with Zoey and know that I won't make the same mistakes with these girls. To me, they live in the legacy of Zoey....she sacrificed her life so that they can have a good home.

I hope at least something in this post helps you. I just really think you need to stop beating yourself up about it.
post #4 of 13
If you believe in heaven, then you must believe that in heaven you would see and be with all of the pets you have had in this lifetime. It would not be heaven if that were not so. I know that in this heaven I would be with all of the ten cats that I have had. I am sorry about your cat but you will be with your cat again some day in heaven. Believing in this will help you at this time of grief.
post #5 of 13
Thread Starter 
know that she doesn't know anyone else there and misses us, I picture her wondering where we are, wondering when will she see us again, I just have thousands of thoughts constantly that are making me go insane, I cry no matter where I go and I start thinking of her, I was just at the video store and on my way home and lost it, I feel like it's overcoming me. I want her back, I want to go back and not get her declawed, I can't and I just can't get past this.
post #6 of 13
I am so so sorry!
post #7 of 13
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like maybe it's time to get yourself to a doctor. I'm not a proponent of using drugs to fix life's problems, but there are circumstances when it becomes appropriate. Taking an antidepressant temporarily might help you to get to the point where you can start working through the grief.

Set short-term, attainable, goals instead of trying to deal with this all at once. Plan to do one positive thing every day. Examples:
* Today I'm going to fix my son his favorite dinner (or teach him how to make it himself ).
* Today I'm going to go for a walk with my husband, just to be together.
* Today I'm going to play with my other cat for 15 minutes.
* Today I'm going to help my neighbors shovel snow off their walk.

The point is not to stop thinking about Tazzy, but to be doing something that is not difficult and which you can complete within a short time. Don't try to plan all your goals ahead of time. Take one day at a time. When you get up in the morning decide on your one positive action for that day. Eventually you can move the decision-making back to the evening before.

Let your family know what you're trying to do so they can support you. Just don't let them start setting goals for you.
that you can work through this and start getting your life back.
post #8 of 13
Sorry you are going through this. Of course it is always easier to see what you could have done differently with hindsight.

I think you just need to realise there isn`t anything you can do now to change things but you can learn from it. We all make mistakes and fortunatley most don`t end as tragicly as this but so many could

post #9 of 13
For those of us a little prone to depression, this sort of experience is, indeed, devastating. We can only live life going forward, but our minds are able to go backward and try to "undo" our mistakes. There is not a day in my life I don't think about decisions I've made and how they changed things, for better or for worse. It's especially bad when those decisions affect someone else, and triply bad if that someone is a pet (or a child) who depended on us to make the right decisions.

Yes, your decisions may have led to the death of your cat. Did you do it on purpose? No. At the time, you thought you were making the better of two decisions. And each "branch" of decision making eventually leads to a result, often 180 degrees from our original intention.

I've dealt with this with truck drivers who were involved in fatality accidents. A series of decisions or mistakes led to the result, and even if they were entirely cleared of blame, they can't help but think, "If I hadn't taken that turn, if I had left home an hour earlier or later, if I'd stopped for lunch, if I had stayed in the right lane, if I'd stopped as soon as the light turned yellow, if if if."

That's the way the human mind works. It's how we learn. They say that good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. We all do it. Maybe we have to do it.

You will eventually get over the worst of the hurt, but you will always have an empty space in your heart and a little bit of guilt. That's life. That may be why we turn to our elders for advice; their experiences can sometimes help us avoid the same mistakes. You have the power and experience now to help others make better decisions, and it sounds like your attitudes (say, about the value of furniture) have undergone some changes.

If the guilt is keeping you from sleeping and causing you serious problems, it might be a good idea to consult a doctor, either for a little counseling or perhaps a temporary medication to take some of the scream out of your mind.
post #10 of 13
I am so sorry.
post #11 of 13
Your post brings tears to my eyes. If I could, I would brew you a cup of chamomile tea and settle down for along afternoon of girl-chat about your precious girl.
I am so glad that you have found the courage to face those dreadful emotions and write your post. It must have been so difficult to type, letter by letter, word by word
Your precious Tazzy is not alone over RB, she is with your ancestors and your descendents yet to be born, those who are human and those who are not....And best of all, her spirit has gone to dwell with our Creator. In leaving this life, it is as if she left a room and the door is closed - we cannot see over to the other side, but those who have lived and passed know where they are. It's kinda like flying - the people in the jet look down at the world below - they know where they are even if we don't .
Sending you prayers and vibes for comfort and healing
post #12 of 13
That's such a sad story.

No amount of regret can undo the past, there are a fair number of things in my life that I wish I hadn't done, or wish I had done differently. I agree with the poster who said that you can learn from it.

One thing that might help you heal is to use your experience to help other cats. There are a great many people, cat owners like yourself, who aren't aware of the dangers of declawing. Maybe start a website in memory of your kitty to inform people and others can share their experiences? You might help to save the lives of numbers of other kitties as a result!

If you feel like you need some help in healing, counseling might be a good way to go.

I'm really sorry about your kitty.
post #13 of 13
Originally Posted by Going Nova View Post
:One thing that might help you heal is to use your experience to help other cats. There are a great many people, cat owners like yourself, who aren't aware of the dangers of declawing. Maybe start a website in memory of your kitty to inform people and others can share their experiences? You might help to save the lives of numbers of other kitties as a result! (
That is a wonderful idea. And, if you are a praying person - pray. Soothes the soul.
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