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I left my husband. I'm so confused.

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
I left my husband on Saturday night.
I did it in a really cowardly way. I waited till he went out to a party then packed up my things and went to a holiday cottage with my girls. (Villy and Roxy)
We have been having problems for quite a while, since May, or maybe before. We’ve been married for almost 2 years (20 months), and together for 5 years.
I left because I couldn’t handle it anymore. He used to be rude to me, it’s really difficult to explain, but my best friend and my family noticed it. For example, if he said something and I didn’t hear him and he had to repeat it he would get so cross and shout at me for “not listeningâ€. He is very moody and “directâ€, he’s rude with his family too, it’s his personality, and I just couldn’t take it any more. I (stupidly) thought things would change after we got married. I’m so confused because I love him and kind of miss his company, but also I don’t miss someone being mean to me. I began to feel tense whenever he came out with me to see my friends or family in case he was rude to me or them and embarrassed me or them.
For example, we went to a concert with my friend, in March, and mike (DH) was being moody. I was wondering which songs the band were going to play, so I looked and found the set list on the sound booth. I told him it was there, and he was all “Why would I want to know what they are going to play, I don’t careâ€. And also my friend and I were handing out flyers for a gig that we were organising, and he got really annoyed, saying I was annoying people and basically making an idiot of myself. It’s so strange, because we went away with my family for a weekend in the summer and he was like a different person? But when we’re home, in everyday life, he can be so moody, and he’ll just suddenly get cross for no real reason. It makes you think “where did that come from?â€
I’ve asked my friend, who has listened to me complain for the last year, if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, and she says I’m not. We lived with my sister for a while and she has just told me that she used to have to take herself out of the house because Mike’s behaviour toward me bothered her so much she was worried she would say something to him.
Occasionally he would be funny though. When I was ill he took really good care of me. He didn’t mind spending time going clothes shopping when we went to Florida.
The final thing that pushed me over the edge was a “friendship†that he’s cultivated with a 19 year old single girl at work. He’s been chatting with her online. He says she’s just a friend, but he doesn’t chat with any of his other work colleagues online!!!
We’ve been talking on the phone, and he says that I antagonised him by not listening, and making sarcastic comments. Ok, I did. Because he annoyed me SO much.
Argh!
I don’t know how I feel, at the moment I just feel like I’m away, on a break without his or something, as we haven’t said it’s over, or I’m going back or anything.
We did go to relationship councilling in the summer, I booked us in and he didn’t want to come, but he did twice in the end. I think I went about 5 times in total.
I’m worried that I didn’t make enough effort, but part of me didn’t want to as my efforts were rewarded with a man who was mean to me and put me down.
I’m so confused.
post #2 of 29
I'm sorry to hear about your marriage but it really sounds like your husband is verbally abusive. No one deserves to be yelled at or mad to feel stupid by the person they love.
post #3 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by snosrap5 View Post
I'm sorry to hear about your marriage but it really sounds like your husband is verbally abusive. No one deserves to be yelled at or mad to feel stupid by the person they love.


And an online relationship with a single 19 year old girl is not healthy, regardless of him saying they are just friends. Honestly, I wouldn't believe that.

Either way, you deserve to be with someone who treats you right. Not someone who talks down to you.
post #4 of 29
I agree with the OPs. This is verbal abuse and you are doing the right thing by removing yourself. Eventually, if you stayed, there would be nothing of YOU left -psychologically and emotionally.

Your descriptions also have made me wonder if he has a chemical imbalance that causes this lashing out behavior - like depression. Anger is a symptom. That's not an excuse, but possibly a partial explanation. But you cannot help him if he does not WANT to be helped. All you can do is help yourself.

Good luck.

ETA: I would also suggest some individual counseling to try to figure out WHY you would be with someone like this... and learn from it so you don't get involved with another person with this problem.
post #5 of 29
I´m really so sorry that don´t work for you,.,,
calm vibes!... for you and for the Cats....
post #6 of 29
I was in a relationship like that once. I actually stayed with the guy for 7 and a half years too. My friends and family all hated him because of the way he acted.

In the end I was a mess. My self esteem was completely gone. I kept thinking he was the best I'd be able to do. I tried to get things to work out for us, but he just didn't care. He knew I was a mess, and didn't think I'd ever leave him. He even told me at one point if I wasn't happy that I should either "replace him or supplement him". He was very shocked when I actually did.

When I met my now husband, I saw what a real relationship was supposed to be. It was hard at the time, but leaving him was the best thing I've ever done (aside from marrying my husband). I know it's hard now, but in your heart you know you did the right thing. Just be strong, your family and friends will be there to support you.
post #7 of 29
Obviously you have given the decision to leave a lot of thought so that indicates that it was the right thing for you to do. Living in fear that your partner is going to be rude to you or belittle you in public certainly isn't a loving caring relationship.
And as for an on-line relationship with someone else, that is a whole different can of worms issue.
At least by leaving you have made it clear to you husband that yes there is a problem and will find out if he is willing to try to do something about it.
Be strong
post #8 of 29
Everything the above posters have said is true. It won't stop. He probably does have a medical issue causing the anger. Stay strong, sister! Thankfully the only kids involved are furry ones.
post #9 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thank you guys, I am waiting for an appointment with Relate. (relationship counselling)
I just don't feel like it's really over as we haven't formally said that.
As for the D word, and sorting out our house, I just can't even face thinking about it at the moment.
I don't want to be with anyone else for a looooong time as I just can't face all the hassle again. How will I ever find the right person if after 5 years I suddenly realise that the guy i married is all wrong for me?
And why can't I handle his behaviour?
Interestingly I spent Saturday talking to his mum, my MIL, and his dad is exactly the same, and she wishes she could leave but doesn't have the courage!!!!! She likes it when he goes away, and doesn't like it when he comes back. We talked a lot, and mike and his dad share a lot of the same behaviour traits.
Jess
post #10 of 29
Thread Starter 
http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=186076
post #11 of 29
If you wanna talk just let me know. I'm going through a divorce at the moment and it's not plesant. I had no choice though....he morphed into a monster (a cheating one at that who refuseses to go to counseling or anger management) and it got to the point that I was in absolute fear of my safety, so I ran out of our house at 3:00 in the morning in my pajamas....he had been right in my face and had me cornered screaming at me....it was at that point that I knew if I didn't duck and run right then, I was going to be seriously hurt, so I left and went to my sisters...I got my purse, my keys and ran out of there in my pajamas and slippers.

He left Christmas day to see his family out of town, so I quickly got in and moved all my stuff while he was out of town for the weekend. I had to get it done quickly, thankfully my family helped me.

I signed a lease for my apartment on Christmas Eve and moved in on Christmas Day night. It's been hard. I spent my first Thanksgiving as a newlywed finding out he cheated on me and my first Christmas as a newlywed moving out. Nobody ever expects that to happen. It would have been four years since we've been together this January. Our wedding anniversary is in March,...i'm sure we'll be divorced by then. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, so if you ever need someone to vent to just let me know.
post #12 of 29
I`m really sorry to hear that I can`t really offer any advice but agree with the others. If he can`t treat you with a bit of respect then you are better of without him.

I hope you can work it out one way or the other
post #13 of 29
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
post #14 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy View Post
Thank you guys, I am waiting for an appointment with Relate. (relationship counselling)
I just don't feel like it's really over as we haven't formally said that.
As for the D word, and sorting out our house, I just can't even face thinking about it at the moment.
I don't want to be with anyone else for a looooong time as I just can't face all the hassle again. How will I ever find the right person if after 5 years I suddenly realise that the guy i married is all wrong for me?
And why can't I handle his behaviour?
Interestingly I spent Saturday talking to his mum, my MIL, and his dad is exactly the same, and she wishes she could leave but doesn't have the courage!!!!! She likes it when he goes away, and doesn't like it when he comes back. We talked a lot, and mike and his dad share a lot of the same behaviour traits.Jess
You shouldn't HAVE to handle behavior like that!

And if his dad is like that, it could be that it's a combination of learned and inherited behavior.
post #15 of 29
Aw hun! I've got no experience with this but just wanted to give you a big

Stay strong
post #16 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Labyrinth View Post
I was in a relationship like that once. I actually stayed with the guy for 7 and a half years too. My friends and family all hated him because of the way he acted.

In the end I was a mess. My self esteem was completely gone. I kept thinking he was the best I'd be able to do. I tried to get things to work out for us, but he just didn't care. He knew I was a mess, and didn't think I'd ever leave him. He even told me at one point if I wasn't happy that I should either "replace him or supplement him". He was very shocked when I actually did.

When I met my now husband, I saw what a real relationship was supposed to be. It was hard at the time, but leaving him was the best thing I've ever done (aside from marrying my husband). I know it's hard now, but in your heart you know you did the right thing. Just be strong, your family and friends will be there to support you.
this sounds exactly like me except the guy i was with for three years and he ended up being together with the girl from the online relationship and having a child with her.

It took me over a year to fix my self up! You will get there hun! It sounds like its the best thing
post #17 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlleyGirl View Post

And an online relationship with a single 19 year old girl is not healthy, regardless of him saying they are just friends. Honestly, I wouldn't believe that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy View Post
I spent Saturday talking to his mum, my MIL, and his dad is exactly the same, and she wishes she could leave but doesn't have the courage!!!!!
I've heard that said by women a couple of times Things have changed now in the fact that women are more independant, and they've realised that they can manage on their own, i'm one of them, well except for DIY and then that's when i have some great neighbours and friends

I'm so please you took the kids Jess, and remember were all here for you. Don't think too far ahead about divorce, the house etc... either, just take it one day at a time.
post #18 of 29
I'm sorry you are going through this
post #19 of 29
Can't add too much that hasn't been said. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as such. Take care of yourself and the girls.
post #20 of 29
I'm just offering my support . It sounds like you did the best thing for yourself right now. I'm also glad you didn't "end" it before you see how willing he is to work through this.

Was he with this before you got married? You said that you hoped he would change after you got married, but I just wanted to make sure it hasn't gotten worse.

It could be a medical condition that could be treated with drugs, but someone how I think he isn't the type to admit anything is wrong with him. Or thinks that would label him as "crazy", which is just "crazy" in itself.

Bottom line, I'm glad you guys are taking a break. It's not a relationship if you feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time, and YOU deserve to be treated better than that.

But, more coming your way. It's not an easy decision.
post #21 of 29
I've seen this cycle happen (I'm saying "man" here, but it can go the other way, too): man wants out of the relationship, man picks fights and gets verbally abusive, woman gets mad/upset, man justifies bad behavior because "look what a jerk she is" (when she's mad)... Most of the time, the man (or woman) does this because he has found someone else and is too much of a coward to be the one who leaves the relationship.

I'm sending you lots of hugs and you did not leave in a cowardly way.
post #22 of 29
You didn't leave in a cowardly way - taking the initiative to leave - having the stregnth to leave - is more than you realize.

You deserve better than that. Your MIL is what you could end up like (in an abusive relationship for life) if you don't get out now.

Don't worry about being along, dating again, just get yourself back together & spend some time with the kitties.
post #23 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
You shouldn't HAVE to handle behavior like that!


Seriously. You shouldn't. Nobody should.



My perspective, being a lowly male myself, is that men who act that way should be left lonely and desolate until they figure out that it's just not f&^#-ing acceptable. He's obviously grown an emotional attachment to this teenager he's chatting with, and IMNSHO that's FAR worse than if he'd had a one-night stand with a complete stranger. It's abusive and domineering, both towards the other girl and to you. NO ONE deserves that, and everyone deserves better.

And good on ya for taking your cats with you. Definitely the right thing to do, given that this guy is an abusive @$$hat.

whew... now here's a kitty:
post #24 of 29
Sending you lots & lots of comforting prayers and vibes
It sounds like you may have married a Narcissist:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_can_yo...e_a_narcissist
Bless you for taking your girls & having the courage to escape
How you did it was a non-confrontational way - you went on instincts, and Lord knows the ruckus you may have avoided Leaving a narcissist can become volatile
post #25 of 29
I know I don't know you very well and I am just another poster on a forum full of nice people, but I just wanted to offer you support and hugs. You have made a very difficult decision, but I think you should stick by your feelings. You absolutely should NOT HAVE TO handle his behavior!!! It is not about why you can't handle it, it is about why he can't stop doing it.

We are behind you, and your family and friends at home will be behind you, too. Don't worry about the big D or your house or anything else - just take it a day at a time and stick to your guns. Spend some time with the kitties and don't let yourself fall back into his trap. Good luck, and many vibes.
post #26 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorana_dragonky View Post
You absolutely should NOT HAVE TO handle his behavior!!! It is not about why you can't handle it, it is about why he can't stop doing it.
i have no advice [i've never married] but i can send some & your way - plus some
post #27 of 29
I also replied in your other thread, this kind of follows on from that.

I think what you've done is a very brave thing to do, it was very hard for me to leave my ex and go back 'home'. I was offered Relate counselling but I knew the time was right for me to end the relationship, I knew that my partner obviously didn't love me or he wouldn't treat me that way. I pretty much got into another realtionship straight away with the guy I'm with now, I knew that was right too... so yes it is possible to meet someone else and you'll know when you're ready for it if you do get the 'D' word.

I'm still recovering from the effects of my ex, I'm waiting for therapy at the moment.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
post #28 of 29
I've been there.....went thru a bad marriage ( 18yrs) and finally I convinced him to leave...It wasn't as bad as yours...but we had our problems....What made me do it was the thought that life is just to short to live unhappy....You don't wanna be where your MIL is do you ? Sounds like that will be you if you stay...I at 36 had to start over....its not easy but I am way way happier now..and have been seeing the same man for 5 yrs....Its scary but it does get better
post #29 of 29
Thread Starter 
Wow, thank you so much everyone, your support is really helping. He has tried to change,(his behaviour calmed down a little but then went back to normal) but the fact is, that is his personality, he was like it from the beginning, although I didn't notice it so much, but when I did, and realized how wrong it was, it really began to wear me down. His personality probably won't change, his dad's didn't. I'm so appreciative of all this support right now, thank you so much. I don't have any Internet access at the cottage, or I'd be on here more! x
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