For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest &no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
(a wiffle ball still does enough damage)
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.**
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20. The fire department has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. (Very True)
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...Holy **beep** !
A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
***25.6% of the men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest &no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
(a wiffle ball still does enough damage)
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.**
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20. The fire department has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. (Very True)
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...Holy **beep** !
A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
***25.6% of the men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid
