I'm hurtin'

Cindy, I'm sorry your relationship with Bill has gotten so difficult. Since he is drinking and refusing to communicate with you, I was wondering if you have considered discussing your situation with either Alnon or an alcohol and chemical dependency counselor??? They may be able to give you some additional support and some sound advice on dealing with your relationship problems. Whenever you need to talk, we are here for you.

Cindy, I too am sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have any advice really - just wanted to know you are in my thoughts. It breaks my heart to think you are going to have to leave the dogs behind, but at least you will be leaving them in good hands.

Cindy, I'm really sorry you're having so much trouble - it's bound to get anyone down. Writing a letter to Bill might not be a bad idea, particularly if he reads it when he's sober. Probably the stress is getting to him, too, and he freezes you out when you're talking about your ex, even if it's to complain about his rotten behavior. You are in my thoughts, and I really hope you find the solution that's best for you.

He was freezing me out before the B.S. started, with my ex. He seems to have his priorities (beer) and I've got mine (a peaceful, stable life) and these don't seem to match up.

I've been emotionally fragile, since my ex deserted me and I've found out that I'm not as tough as I used to be or would like to be.

I think most of us aren't as tough as we'd like to be.

Please contact the district attornies office about your support. Get into counceling it will help make you stronger. You don't need to stay with this sorry ***. You may be able to find some one who is looking for room mate. Check at the feed stores as these folks usually allow room mates to bring their pets. If you don't see an ad put one up for your self! Give your work number so you can leave without a ton of questions. Begin packing your non essentials now. This will give you a feeling of getting SOMETHING done. Please know this isn't your fault! Very best of luck! We love you and are behind you 100%.

I wish I knew what to say to make things better for you... I know what you're going through. A colleague of mine is going through the same thing with her ex... I think you probably have more friends than you realise... 4,041 of them are right at your fingertips.

Whatever you decide to do, we will all support you. Chin up, you can do it! (((hugs)))

(((((HUGS)))) I cant add any more to whats allready been said but im sending 'get strong,be strong' vibes. You have realy had a rough time of it. we are all here for you. Take care.

I checked this morning's paper and I can get a duplex or mobile home, within my price range that allows pets. The ones that I marked are closer to work, too.

As for my ex - as long as he's sending me SOMETHING, I can't do anything. If he doesn't pay the full amount, by the end of the month - THEN he's in contempt of court.

I don't think Bill has any idea of how much pain that I'm in. I'm used to men being clueless but, when a woman has been crying, for the better part of two days, even the most obtuse male should get it!

oh pumpkin, I'm so sorry. men (oh excuse me MOST men) sre such a$$h**es. It's like they have NO idea that the world doesn't revolve around them. sometimes you need to smack them upside the nose with a rolled up newspaper( not that I'd EVER treat an animal that way, just the occassional man! LOL!) chin up girl. You're definately stronger then you think and Bill is silly to not see the wonderful person you actually are. He'll be sorry when you are gone. like I said, men are stupid. they can't help it, it just comes naturally!

Cindy - I do so know what you're going through right now. My stupid husband seems to also be oblivious to the fact that even though I'm six months pregnant he is still putting me under the same pressure to do the shopping, make decisions at about the business and keep the house clean.

I won't go into it here, I may post seperately, but things are rapidly turning the c**p here too.

Also having spent most of the weekend in tears he just carries on as normal - do they think we ENJOY looking like red-faced puffy monsters given the choice? Do they think we do it for effect or attention?

I hate it when they go on about 'their house' (selfish pigs). Until recently when the house was put into joint names I got this at every arguement. 'If you don't like it you know what you can do - just get out of my f-ing house' etc. It does wear you down and begin to destroy you after a while.

I really don't know. But I have started working on mental scenarios of jacking the marriage in and (for the first time in my life) going it alone - quite scary without really.

As humans we're designed to live as pairs - living alone is fine but personally I will find it uncomfortable - as I'm sure you will. There is no good time for this to happen but I do think that maybe now is the time to call it a day, after all you have explained your feelings clearly in a letter to Bill previously and all things considered he has still decided to adopt the uncommunicative route in your relationship.

I'm truly sorry things have got to this stage - but there is no point in flogging a dead horse (so to speak) - at least if you can take the animals with you, you won't be alone.

I'm thinking strong thoughts for you Cindy, and hope whatever decision you make is the right one for you. I'm so sorry it's all gone pear-shaped for you.

Cindy I am so sorry you are having such a rough time with Bill. You have to do what is best for you - your mental health needs to come 1st! If you were my MIL or mom, I would be thrilled to share a home with you. Not only because of the help with the babies, but also because you have proven yourself to be supportive and not controlling. I still hope that there is some way for things to work out with you and Bill, but mostly I hope and pray for your happiness, in whatever form that takes! PM or e-mail me if you need a shoulder!

Cindy - I'm newer here and don't really know about your past problems but from what I'm reading here I'd advise you to get out of there if you can. There are a lot worse things than being on your own.....namely living with someone who makes you miserable. I've been there. If you can manage your own place, no matter how humble, try for it. Get yourself a place of peace and then start building supportive relationships from there. I'll pray for you.

Have you applied for the trailers/duplex? The sooner you start the sooner you can heal! Get a P.O. Box and have your mail forwarded to there, unless you want him to come looking for you. Cancell any credit cards in both of your name and file seperation papers so you won't be legally responcible for any credit bills he runs up. You don't have to be married to have your credit ruined by another person. They don't even have to tell you they put your name on their credit card and you are still responcible for their debt! Check your credit report and get everything that isn't yours removed if you can! I have a sister in law that does this for cheap so if you need help with this let me know and I will send out her web site! Please put yourself first!

You know, Bill and Yola's husband sound a lot like my husband - uncommunicative, can't or won't deal with tears, etc.. My "better half", however, is even worse with other people, including family, than he is with me. I've always figured it was his upbringing (boarding school) and age (born in 1952 to DPs who had been imprisoned in Siberia). I no longer believe he's deliberately trying to hurt me, though he does really get on my nerves. My solution has been to go visit family several weeks a year without him, and to turn to my cat for the cuddles I need (one of the best things about pets). He's got his good points, and I know I'm better off with him than I would be with a lot of guys. A lot of others guys would also have trouble dealing with me! I guess what I'm trying to say is, how about a trial separation, rather than moving out for good? The suggestions of AlAnon or counseling were good, too - you might be able to find a lot of support there. It sounds as if you're not going to get it from Bill. Like you, I thought my life would be "in order" when I reached my forties, but I've found that that's never the case; some people are just better at "putting up a good front" than others.

Aw, Cindy, this is terrible! I don't how I'm arriving late again, but I'm just so sorry and sick to hear this. I don't know what's bothering Bill, but since this has continued, there's really only two choices. Leave or get him to deal with the drinking. Seek counseling individually and together.

Teresa has given you some great advice. Both Gary and I had trouble with the ex's with credit cards, and she's right. YOu don't have to legally be married to have those problems. It seems like you two kept things separate, but just in case....

And just know I'm so, so, so sorry. I totally agree with Ady -

If you were my MIL or mom, I would be thrilled to share a home with you. Not only because of the help with the babies, but also because you have proven yourself to be supportive and not controlling.

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That is so true!!!!

I know it hurts a lot right now... but maybe you're moving out will be the slap in the face he needs. Don't forget - you can always get co-counseling even if you're not living together! He was once so completely wonderful, I find it so difficult to believe he's willing to abandon his relationship with you. And if you move out and end up missing the dogs more than Bill, you'll made the right decision anyway.

Cindy, you so don't deserve this, and I know you know that. There's nothing I or any of your friends here can actually do... but be here for you.

Thanks, all. My ex e-mailed that my money is on the way so, I'll have enough to put up deposits and get moved, by the first. I can borrow my dad's pickup and I have two strapping big nephews.

As for credit cards, etc. - we don't have any together and the house is his. He'll just have to take me off of his bank account, IRA and 401(K).

I overheard him tell somebody, on the phone, that he's selling the house. Without my contribution and making half of the truck payment, I don't think that he can swing it.

I gave back my engagement ring, too. The sofa is mine, as well as the computer and accessories. I'll have to get a new cell phone. Our plan is in his name. Two pickup loads should get me moved.

Cindy, I am so sorry things have gone so bad. I´m sorry I haven´t written anything sooner! I have not been posting for a while, but I have been thinking about you and reading your posts. You appear to be very strong and very kind person, so I hope you will start feeling better and things will work out for you. I think sharing a house with your son and daughter in law would be a great idea - for you AND for them! How is your son anyway? And how is the new mom coping with the new role? And how are the twins?

"Here's to Cindy, the REAL...TRUE....Survivor!"

I've started packing - seven boxes, already. Need to get some more, though. He still hasn't said a word and, as long as he's drinking this much, I won't talk to him. It would be futile, anyway.

At least, work is going well. I'm learning a horrible DOS system and, being a computer dummy, I keep getting lost and finding myself in places that I don't want to be. Fortunatly, we only have to use it, when the Windows system goes down.

Numbnuts has sent me a couple of more checks - $210, so far. He stil owes me $836. Payday is Friday, so I'll spend Saturday looking at apartments and, hopefully, can put a deposit down.