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How could he be so Selfish!

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
I came home from work today and though it was just an ordinary day. My Parents then told me that my friend (basically a serogate brother to me if I needed anyone to talk to he was there) Chris Hung himself in the middle of the night.

He got up in the middle of the night on Thursday got out of bed beside his wife Amber and hung himself in their apartment. She found him in the morning.

I hadn’t seen Chris since my Grandfather’s funeral but my brother had spoken to him the night he hung himself. He was talking about all of the jobs he had lined up and was sounding positive from what me brother said… When I say there had never been any indication that he was depressed I mean there was NO indication.

Every time he saw me he would run over and get a hug. He has been part of my life since I was about 12 years old and I’m 30 now. He was ex-military and then went back a few years ago to drive a truck in Bosnia. He wore a Kilt in the military and in his wedding. He could talk the ears off a cob of corn and had a way of making you think he knew something about everything.

I am so mad at him. How could he do this to Amber. How could he not come to us if he needed to talk he had so may friends . We would have dome something if he had only told us. I now know that all the talk about jobs coming up was crap but . I was suicidal at one time in my life but now that I think back I know how ultimately selfish an act it is, he might have though that nobody was going to miss him but I can tell you it is effecting at least 30 people very deeply.

I just want to grab him an shake him or slap him or something. I can’t tell you how upset I am.
post #2 of 27
I have no words of comfort as, fortunately, this has never happened to me personally. I've known people who have taken this route, but we were not close. Sometimes it is really hard to tell just how depressed a person is. I feel badly for you and all of your family.
post #3 of 27
anger is normal - 2nd stage of grief. i was VERY angry at my brother when he was killed [riding his motorcycle too fast, not wearing a helmet].i even had dreams that he hadn't died, & that it had all been a [very UNfunny] practical joke - i yelled at him in those dreams for being so cruel to those who loved him.

just because there were no outward, visible signs doesn't mean he wasn't depressed. most people who commit suicide are in such emotional pain that they simply are incapable of conceiving the grief to their loved ones their actions will cause.
post #4 of 27
I am so sorry for your loss

as Laureen227 said, angry is definately a stage in the grief process.

My thoughts are with you, and Chris's family and other friends.

Suicide is not easy for anyone to deal with.
post #5 of 27
about 8-9 months ago i got myself into some trouble, and it was trouble that was obviously going to happen doin what i did. i turned to my family for help who just lectured me and my own mother REALLY laid into me about what a mess SHE considered my life to be, picking faults out of everything i did, my g/f's, jobs, cars, everything, it just wasnt what i needed at all at the time, and as my mother is a mental health worker i thought she would know better than to run me down when i was so close to the bottom already.

i would say i was very close to going this route myself, and i didnt care at the time that it would hurt those i left behind, as they had kicked me when i was down. my brother and his wife disowned me too, and that only left my dad. he did give me a lecturing, but only once, and then he did support me in his own way.

i didnt commit a crime, just for the record!

i have known people who have taken thier own lives in the past, but never that closely, so my experience with this is from the person who is in troulbes point of view really.

i can assure you he wont have been thinking clearly, and that he would never have wanted to hurt you or anyone else, as i didnt either. its a terrible thing that this has happened. im not sure what i have written is going to have been any help to you? but, my thoughts are with you, be strong.
post #6 of 27
Oh I'm so sorry to hear this!! My prayers are certainly with you all, and especially his poor wife! There are just no words.
post #7 of 27
Prayers for you.
I do not blame you for being mad.
post #8 of 27
I sent out my sympathy to you and his family.

But can i just say, as someone who has dealt first had with this kind of issue, when someone is so desperate that they want to end their lives, unless you have been through it, you do not know what it is like. And calling that person selfish is so wrong. I'm not trying to upset you, but it's sort of like saying everything and everyone else was more important than your friends own problems.
post #9 of 27
Wow, I am so sorry I'm not sure what else to say.
post #10 of 27
I am very sorry you have to go through this. I know it's a major shock, and you feel very hurt and even angry.

I don't know much about suicide, but this is what I think: the person is so very tormented inside. They just want the pain to stop. Death seems to be the surest way of accomplishing that. They most likely don't think about who they leave behind to deal with it--not because they are selfish (though it seems this way to us), but because they HURT far more than any of us can imagine. Sometimes, a suicide thinks that those they leave behind will be better off without them.

I had a neighbor who hanged herself awhile back. (She was bi-polar.) She hanged herself in her garage. Our houses are very similar, and, for the longest time, when I walked through my laundry room into my garage, I would wonder what she was thinking the last time she did that. It haunted me for months, and I still sometimes think about it. That poor soul...she was the same age as I, and young. Every suicide is tragic, but when a younger person, who theoretically should have a long, long life ahead of them does it, it's even more sad. (I never did find out why she killed herself. I assume it was due to her mental illness, though a neighbor thought her house was going into foreclosure.) I also think about her 3 little boys, who are now being raised by their father. My heart aches for them.

I also once had a co-worker whose husband shot himself. He had an on-going curable medical problem, but the cornea transplant donors weren't working out, so it stretched on and on. (He had herpes in the eye.) He was a millionaire, but loved to work at his business, and couldn't for months, and I guess he got depressed. She came home 1 day to find him in the barn. His suicide notes (which she found for months around the house) said he was dying because he felt like he was cramping her style (she loved to travel, and they had to keep postponing trips due to his proposed surgery).

In the coming months, I imagine you will feel so many conflicting emotions, and try to understand why he did what he did. Try not to torture yourself with this. No one may never know why he killed himself. It's important for the surviving loved ones not to blame themselves. You probably couldn't have stoppped him.
post #11 of 27
I am very sorry for your loss I can understand you being angry, it's only natural, but no one can know what is going on in another persons head My DH's Dad committed suicide, and he looks at it like a very brave thing his Dad did, maybe that's his way of coping with it, I don't know

Many prayers for your friend and his family
post #12 of 27
My brother is suicidal and our family has lived for the last 40 years in the shadow of his mental disease (he is bi-polar). People that fail when attempting suicide are doing it to draw attention to themselves. People that succeed without any warning would not have been stopped. Depression, or whatever leads up to the suicide, is a disease. When you get to that level of depression, you don't have the energy to think about others, as it is all you can do to keep yourself going.

I agree with you that suicide is selfish, but Chris was ill, and he didn't feel he had any other option than to think of himself. Don't blame yourselves for what happened, as there was nothing that you could have done to prevent this.

My family has gotten counciling on how to deal with my brother's disease and it has helped us gain a broader perspective on it. You might want to reach out to local support groups to help you through the emotional turmoil your entire family will be going through.

All I can give you are big to hang in there.
post #13 of 27
my deepest sympathy goes out to you

its such a hard thing to go through, i had a very good friend who had alot of mental issues and was taking a breakup very hard. we are not sure if it was an "accidental overdose" or suicide. all i can say is i didnt know things were that bad. when we would hang out he would talk about things but always had a positive attitude. one time he asked me to go to his narcotics anonymous meeting with him for support, and i did. im not going to lie, i thought it was kinda wierd and never went to one with him again, i still feel like a real asshole to this day for this one. the other thing is i was going thru some stress myself, i just started a new job and was very busy and we hadnt really hung out much those last few months. obviously i took it very very hard. i thought, what if i would have went to all his meetings with him? what if i would have stayed super close and talked to him everyday, i really felt like maybe i could have had an impact enough to save him from doing that. it bothers me alot. he loved to go out dancing. everytime im at the club and i hear one of his faves ill just wipe the tears away.

from what i hear they say there was prob nothing no one could have done to change his mind. usually when people get set on really going through with it they do. it still bothers me tho.
post #14 of 27
I understand your anger. Anger is much easier than anguish, and it can help you cope with the shock of a terrible loss like this.

But I think as you regain your equilibrium, you will be able to see that a person so deep in torment that he kills himself (or even makes a serious attempt) cannot be in anything like a rational state of mind. His talk of a positive future was probably an attempt to convince himself that he had something to look forward to. And most likely, the reason he didn't come to you for help is that he was no longer able to imagine that anyone could help him.

The pain he has caused for those who loved him no doubt pales in comparison to the terminal pain he himself was in. He can't be held responsible... and when the anger fades and you are able to forgive him, I know you'll feel better.

Meanwhile... I'm just so sorry.
post #15 of 27
I can understand your anger as well. As has been said, it's part of the grieving process.

15 years ago, the pastor at the church we were attending (we no longer go there) committed suicide. His wife found him when she came home from work.

I remember going to calling hours. Waddling down the aisle to see the body b/c I was 7 months pregnant at the time with our first child. I was so MAD at him.

I never fully understood just why on earth a PASTOR would kill himself. And do something like that to his wife.

post #16 of 27
I know just how you feel, my nephew killed himself 4 days before my son's wedding. I was so mad at him & I still get mad when I think about him leaving my sister & niece. My niece lost her son just a few months before, and was just getting out of her depression over that, I too think it is the most selfish thing you can do!! I hope you, your family & his family will get through this terrible time, and be able to remember the good times with him.
post #17 of 27
I am so sorry for your loss.
post #18 of 27
I am so sorry for your loss.
I know now that feeling of anger you have. When my friend Atip was killed this summer I spent a long time being angry. I still am. I just now that in time the feeling of anger will fade away to be replaced by love and acceptance. Its been 6 months and I still have bouts of anger and wondering but I also try to live the way I know he would have wanted. Sometimes in life you have no control just now that people love you and are here to listen. Closure is the key to moving on. Be there for his family and yours. Talk to a greif counselor if you need to, they can help. Go to his funeral and say good bye. I know its hard but I see everyday the people who did not go to Atips and they are still trying to move on. Those of us who went have seemed to accept it easier.

Just remember that we love you and are here for you.
post #19 of 27
First of all.... I'm sorry for your loss, its a terrible feeling. I've been on both sides of that coin....I've considered it, my husband tried it and I have a first cousin who succeeded. And you know what? It is selfish....because the emotional pain/confusion that you're in at the time causes you to just want it to stop, no matter what you have to do to make it happen......including death. It's been over three years since my cousin killed himself, and to be honest, his mom is just now starting to come around from the pain and shock of losing her baby boy that way.


Originally Posted by Momofmany View Post
People that fail when attempting suicide are doing it to draw attention to themselves.
Amy, I respect you, but I do so have to say that this statement is not always true. When some methods are used, yes, their chance of failure is usually greater than the chance of succeeding, therefore the attention getting works. But in my husband's case, the only reason that he failed is what we both call the Grace of God....only the malfunctioning of a handgun that worked perfectly well the last time that I took it out for target practice..........but as he told the dr later.......he just wanted the emotional pain that he was experiencing at the time to stop.

ETA, I was so mad at my husband that I told him if he EVER tried that again, he'd darn well better succeed, because if he didn't I was going to kill him myself.....and I wasn't joking.
post #20 of 27
Originally Posted by KittenKrazy View Post
Amy, I respect you, but I do so have to say that this statement is not always true. When some methods are used, yes, their chance of failure is usually greater than the chance of succeeding, therefore the attention getting works. But in my husband's case, the only reason that he failed is what we both call the Grace of God....only the malfunctioning of a handgun that worked perfectly well the last time that I took it out for target practice..........but as he told the dr later.......he just wanted the emotional pain that he was experiencing at the time to stop.

ETA, I was so mad at my husband that I told him if he EVER tried that again, he'd darn well better succeed, because if he didn't I was going to kill him myself.....and I wasn't joking.
I agree that not all suicides (IMO, not very many) are supposed to be attention getters. I do agree that some methods are less prone to failure than others. While I was at Cornell, it had the reputation of having the highest suicide rate in the Ivies. That was actually the most successful suicides and not the most attempts. Ithaca has lots of gorges. If you jump off a bridge into a gorge, that is it.

Persons that try to commit suicide are very depressed even if you do not realize that they are. Unfortunately, suicidal feelings are common in bi-polar persons. To get out of that mindset, you have to realize how much your death will affect your family and loved ones. I know about this - trust me.

I am so sorry that your friend/surrogate brother, Chris, hanged himself. My condolences for you and especially for his wife, Amber.
post #21 of 27
IMO .. we need to be careful what drugs we take for depression, as some have been labeled "may cause suicide" ...
post #22 of 27
The minds a funny thing, and goodness knows what was going around his head to kill himself. Doing what he did takes guts, because i couldn't do it.

I lost a friend to suicide. She went for some hospital test results in the morning, found out she had terminal cancer, then came straight back home and killed herself. I only spoke to her 2 weeks before and she sounded fine, but when i found out that she had killed herself she was all alone that morning until she was found at 10.p.m that night, and her mind must have been everywhere
post #23 of 27
Thread Starter 
I just found out the wake is tomorow and the funeral on Tuesday. I am just feeling like I need to do somthing.
I have let Amber know that if there is anything she needs to let me know. She has 2 cats that I have offered to catsit for her but she said they havn't been able to find one of them since the suicide.
With all of the people that were at the house that morning it may have gotten outside or is in the house in hideing. Amber won't set foot back in the house so I am going later today to see if I can find the cat. If not I am putting out food inside and outside.

The freinds have all volunteered to clean out the house for the family box everything up and move things. That might be happening next weekend.
My brother is a pals bearer at the funeral along with the "guys" we all hung around with. I was going to make a cake or somthing for the family but I'm told they have too much already so I will wait and see if they need somthing in the near future.

In this small community (9,000 people) almost everyone you come across walking down the street knows him or his wife and you end up re-living the story every day. Of course there are rumours flying every direction, about why and what set him to do this its distressing and I just tell them to not believe any of it.
No suicide note has been found and nobody knows the real story.

I may not be around for a little while again. There is so much going on right now. I would ask my SS for some patience with me I still havn't posted pictures of my second package and I still havn't guessed who you are.
Thanks everyone for the posts they make me believe that I couldn't see this coming no matter how hard I tried and I am begining to understand the things that may have driven him to this end. *HUGS EVERYONE*
post #24 of 27
I wanted to give my condolences. Suicide is one of the hardest things to understand. Especially when one has so much to leave behind.

I had a friend commit suicide in highschool and almost 300 people showed up to his funeral. I will never understand it myself because I have never thought about ending my own life. All I know is someone has got to be in a world of hurt to think that is their only option.
post #25 of 27
I am so sorry for you and for Amber and the whole family. It is a sad truth that many ex=military personnel are prone to suicide, and he may have been left with unresolved guilt feelings about what he witnessed in Bosnia. But it doesn't make it any easier. I pary you all have strength and can help each other.
post #26 of 27
Sending out prayers and vibes to you all, especially to his wife, Amber I am so glad that you are there to look out for the kitties - the fact that one of them has not been seen since the tragedy is so telling
an ex-beau of mine used to "attempt" suicide - one time, after I was married to someone else, and 8mos preggers, he took a bunch of pills & I had to go to the hospital & get him to say what he took, so I took him pretty seriously. Anyway, he always called before it was too late, till the last time when he went into his nephews' room, they were 8 & 6 years old, and put a shotgun in his mouth & killed himself. the 8yo was hospitalized for several days from the shock of seeing that ; the family couldn't afford to move, so they had to clean up...the devastation he left behind was terrible. And then at the funeral, his mother kept clinging to me & saying, "If you had married him, this wouldn't have happened! He wouldn't have done this if he had had you!", which made me cry, but deep inside, I was being hypocritical because I was glad that I hadn't married him,esp. for how he ended his life that way...
post #27 of 27
I am so sorry to hear about this...

Nothing hurts worse than someone who takes their own lives... I can only hope that you find peace with the situation in the end...

Someone who is at that sort of low, as everyone has said, is in a very large ammount of pain... At least, you know now, that his soul is at rest, and he no long has pain, which is all he was asking for...

Stay strong, because you know he would have wanted you to...

and much love.... you know there are many people here who always have an ear and a shoulder to cry on....

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