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It's taken a week for me to be able to write this....

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
I lost my cat Mutty on January 30th.

All I can do is write my journal entry from that day but there's much more to the story....I've been utterly devastated. I'm 26 and have had her since I was 8 years old, she is my soulmate and I have been in tears off and on and incapable of leaving the house since this happened.

I knew I wanted to come here for support and to share, but it was just too hard at first...here was my journal entry that day:

Quote:
So this morning...around 5am, I noticed my cat Mutty was having breathing problems.......

It got worse and I got super scared and ran in and woke up Patrick and we rushed her to the vet down the street who referred us to the emergency vet like a half an hour away.

So we go there, and they put her in an oxygen tank and took x-rays.
We got there around 7 and around 9am, we were given the X-Ray results.

She had tumors all over her lungs and so much fluid in her lungs and around that you couldn't even see her heart.

I had to face the decision to put her to sleep...at first I was begging the vet for another option...he said if we drained the fluid, it would just come back and get worse and she would die an agonizingly painful death.

So around 9:30am this morning, my little baby was brought in, put in my lap and a needle put her to sleep. She died in my arms with me bawling uncontrollably and kissing her head telling her how much I love her.


I had her for 17 years. She was my rock, my *ANGEL*. The one thing that I could always count on and hold onto. I cannot explain how much I love her and always will.

The vet made me paw impressions and we're having her privately cremated so I can have her ashes.

This was completely unexpected. I'm crying again right now.
Please say a little prayer for her.....I pray that there is an afterlife and I will be with her again.

Please someone tell me how to deal with this.....because I have not been dealing well or healthy.

I'm dying inside. I feel so guilty and miss her so much.
If I had discovered her original lump sooner and had it checked and removed...she might still be here. I can't stop blaming myself. The guilt is over-whelming and the pain is non-stop.

My heart is broken.
post #2 of 26
First of all, 17-18 years old is way above average for a cat, so you obviously took care of her very well.

Secondly, cats are masters at hiding any illness until they are very sick. Don't blame yourself for not noticing; that's how nature made cats, for their own protection in a world of big animals always looking for the weaklings.

Nothing except time will heal your heart. Every cat we lose leaves a hole in our heart exactly the shape of that cat, and no other cat, no other experience, no other love can completely heal that hole.

Check out http://www.petloss.com. They have a candle ceremony weekly, and they care about our aching hearts.
post #3 of 26
Oh Dani, I am so sorry.... I can hear your pain through your words... I wish there was something I could say to help you through this... Please don't blame yourself - you had her for 17 beautiful years... You did everything for her for all that time... You couldn't possibly have foreseen that tumor...
You know you got our support here
post #4 of 26
Do not blame yourself.
I have done that and was told by the vet not to do it.
So sorry you lost her.
post #5 of 26
I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't think we ever get over losing one of our pets. We just learn to move forward one day at a time. In time you will be able to remember Mutty and her memory will bring a sweet smile to your face. The ache in your heart won't hurt as bad either. It just takes time.

RIP Mutty
post #6 of 26
RIP Mutty. Mr. Blanche said it best. She had a wonderful long life with you. I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain.
post #7 of 26
so sorry 4 your loss, I will pray 4 peace & healing for your pain
post #8 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by carolinalima View Post
Please don't blame yourself - you had her for 17 beautiful years... You did everything for her for all that time... You couldn't possibly have foreseen that tumor...
you really are being too hard on yourself! it's wonderful she lived such a long & happy life - i know this won't ease your pain, but please try to stop blaming yourself!
sending , & for you, & a for Mutty...
post #9 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by laureen227 View Post
you really are being too hard on yourself! it's wonderful she lived such a long & happy life - i know this won't ease your pain, but please try to stop blaming yourself!
sending , & for you, & a for Mutty...
I am sorry you lost your Mutty
post #10 of 26
I am so sorry to see this Mutty would not want you to feel guilty, she is at peace and in a beautiful place waiting until you meet again. Remember this, it brings me comfort-you were chosen for her, how lucky were you RIP Mutty, look after your Mom until you are reunited someday
post #11 of 26
So very sorry for your loss. One of the stages of grieving, especially for an animal, is blame. Well all go through this. Mutty lived a very long time. One thing to think about, getting another cat/kitten. This will not replace Mutty, but you will be showing your love for Mutty by giving a wonderful life to a cat/kitten that might not otherwise have such a wonderful life. It will be celebrating Mutty's life.
post #12 of 26
I'm so sorry for your loss. Rest in peace Mutty, you will be forever loved!
post #13 of 26
as others have said, mutty reached an incredible age and your love and care would have had a part in that.

please don't blame yourself, mutty will live on in your heart forever.

RIP little soul.
post #14 of 26
Very sorry for your loss!

Having lost several cats over the years, including one just a few days ago, I only know too well what pain you're going through!

I also tend to blame myself for circumstances leading to the passing of my cats. But, anything I did that may have contributed to cat's passing was entirely unintentional. I never mistreated them and always loved them.

Don't blame yourself for Mutty's passing. You clearly loved him; that says it all!

Actually you are perhaps stronger than I am. I am never present when my cats are put to sleep. I don't want to remember them passing away; I only want to remember them being alive.

Grieving will ease your pain, in time.

You will find that you never entirely get over the loss, but the pain will be far less noticeable.
post #15 of 26
I`m so sorry for your loss You really can`t blame yourself though that is a natural part of the greiving process.

Rest In Peace sweetie
post #16 of 26
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Sweet Girl. Rest in Peace Mutty.
post #17 of 26
I know how you feel, I lost my Soul Kitty Mr Snoopy Gundy on the 28th of February 2 yrs ago, at the age of 20. He was my soul kitty and the best friend I've ever had in my life. I too felt guilty, because I went along with the Doctors recommendation to put him to sleep, although he probably would have died on his own, from Kidney Failure. He was actually dying when I took him in to the Vet. To this day, I still have pangs of guilt for letting him go without a bigger fight.

The pain I felt was the same as you're going through, and I can tell you, it does get better. It really does. That is not to say the Love goes away, it's just to say that it doesn't hurt so badly, and life does go on. You WILL get better, I promise, and I DO believe your Mutty will be waiting for you, when it's your time to cross over the bridge, and join him.
post #18 of 26
Three years ago My Tabitha was going through the same thing as Mutty. We opted to take out 1/3 of her lung to give her a chance, she died a week later. To this day I don't know if I did the right or wrong thing and I can't say if I would do it again. Blaming yourself is natural, it is part of grieving but rest assured you did everything you could, and more. Seventeen is amazing you must have done a wonderful job in caring for Mutty. It will hurt but it will get better and healing will come, be good to yourself, you couldn't have changed the course or the outcome. Prayers for you and Mutty
post #19 of 26
I'm so sorry Take one day at a time to grieve.

I hope my three live a long and happy life like Mutty

________________________________________
post #20 of 26
Please don't beat yourself up on this. Cats are supreme at hiding pain - it's Nature's way to help them elude predators.
Your whole being has suffered a terrible loss, emotionally from the love & support your sweet Mutty gave you, to the physical benefits of contact with your special soul-kitty (even their purrs are in the same sonic range as therapeutic ultra sound).
Just think ,she's young & healthy again, running free on the other side of the Bridge, playing with the angels
post #21 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much everyone... I'm *JUST* starting to not burst into tears everyday.

It means the world to me that other people understand. I miss her so much everyday, but the weeping has somewhat subsided. I sleep with the impression of her paw under my pillow to feel closer to her.




post #22 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniMarie View Post
I sleep with the impression of her paw under my pillow to feel closer to her.
Heaven is much closer than we think So many wonderful spirits & souls are there, and your precious Mutty is playing happily among them. And just think, she gets to meet your future kitties yet to be born and when it is their turn down here among us, they will have that uncanny ability to know just how and what you like - and you will be able to thank dear Mutty for that

I am glad that you are doing better. For me, the loss is like a shard of glass in the heart. Gradually the pain goes away, for increasingly longer periods of time, but then, when I least expect it, something jars that glass & I feel the pain, fresh again. But it does get increasingly better.

Thank you so much for the update. I've been wondering how you & a couple of others here are doing
post #23 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by catsknowme View Post
Heaven is much closer than we think So many wonderful spirits & souls are there, and your precious Mutty is playing happily among them. And just think, she gets to meet your future kitties yet to be born and when it is their turn down here among us, they will have that uncanny ability to know just how and what you like - and you will be able to thank dear Mutty for that

That is so beautiful!!!! I'm so glad you just said that to me..... Thank you!
post #24 of 26
"I belive cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat,i am sure,could walk on a cloud without coming through" Jules Verne


My thoughts are with you . Best wishes.
post #25 of 26
I'm sorry to hear your sad story.
I lost my darling cat Diesel over a year and a half ago to liver cancer. I also had to make the difficult decision to have him put to sleep. I also had him privately cremated and I am so glad I did. It is a great comfort to me that he is still near me in some form. I picked a wooden black cat to have him put in so he will eternally sleep in there.
I'd like to say that time eases your pain and maybe it does a little. Still even now things will remind me of him and I cry like a child. He was always there for me and can never be replaced.
Draw comfort that you loved your cat enough to let go when you had to. You did the best and was not selfish at the end when your cat needed you most.
post #26 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fliss32 View Post
Draw comfort that you loved your cat enough to let go when you had to. You did the best and was not selfish at the end when your cat needed you most.
Based on my experience, I think you definitely did the humane thing for Mutty.
I wish I'd had the courage.

In 1985 my 7-year-old cat Elmer contracted Feline Leukemia. In those days it was hardly heard of, let alone something you could do anything about. We noticed he was breathing hard, took him to the vet, they kept him a couple of days, and finally came up with that diagnosis.

We were given no medications that I recall, no advice on how to get him to eat. I would come home from work and practically beg him to eat, but to no avail. The vet never strongly suggested euthanizing him, and my mom and I didn't have the heart to even consider it.

He went downhill fast, three weeks it took, and his lungs filled up with fluid and he basically suffocated in my bedroom on Easter morning. My mother and I tried desperately to comfort him; we knew we had made a mistake by not easing him out of this life. Never, ever again would I want to do that to a precious animal member of the family.

We had 3 weeks to sort of prepare, although we had no idea how long he would have. You only had a few hours, and I'm sure you are devastated to no end for how quickly you had to make that decision. But it was the right one. Please take comfort in that.

I believe in my heart that you will see a healthy, frolicking Mutty again one day.
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