My gf won't move in, cause I don't like her cats :-(

carolpetunia · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by catsknowme

...The ammonia of their pee enhances the smell of the poo, and cats don't like this because in the wild, that attracts predators such as coyotes

...

Hey, thanks for that insight! I knew they like to use separate places, but I never knew why!

goldenkitty45 · Dec 30, 2008

First I'm glad you are being honest about your feelings. It must be tough to be in a situation where you love someone but can't stand their pets.

I'll give you the blunt truth (based part on my experience in marriage). Do not marry or move in with her. It would be best if you end the relationship. First you don't like the cats and you have your mind made up they don't like you, are messy, you can't stand fur, etc.

It will not get any better and you will begin to resent her more and more and hate the cats even more. The the fighting starts. You have to accept ALL of it (her and the cats) or NONE of it. There is no compromise.

I married my first husband who was not a pet person but he tolerated me owning pets....at first. .....even went to cat shows with me for years. But it was all a lie. In fights, he always accused me of putting the cats over him, of threatening to get rid of them, etc. He really didn't want them. Granted there was abuse involved in my marriage and after 17 yrs I divorce him (for the abuse).

But I learned my lesson. Unless you both are animal lovers and really like each other's pets, its best not to keep pretending you do. Be honest with her and yourself in the decision you make.

addiebee · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by Vmax71

well... this little dog I have is a bit of a wonder dog actually. I rescued him about 3 years ago, he was very sick, had to have a hip transplant, so you can only imagine the vet bills were in the thousands.... no but wait... he was also neurotic, so he went to see a dog psychologist for about a year, and sent me doing overtime at work!.

Any dog or animal that comes out of a shelter is very "different" and let me tell you, he appreciates what he has now. It wasn't easy at first, I will admit, the dog didn't want to eat, didn't play, and was very traumatized at everything and yes, he pooped in the house... but now, he is wondeful...well, he was always wonderful from day 1 :-)

Hmm... so you were willing to make all kinds of accomodations for this dog, but not reeeeaaaallly willing to accept some of the issues with the cats... hmmmm....... And would YOU want to be locked away in a basement, even if it had windows? I certainly wouldn't agree to that.

addiebee · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by hissy

You must care for your girlfriend very much to come here and ask advice. But, you need to remember that everyone here loves and respects cats and accepts them for all they are. Assigning them tasks to do or setting down rules doesn't work- "don't jump on the counter, climb on the table, eat my hair, rub up agaisnt me...."your list could be endless and cost you a lot of anxiety when they break every rule you set down.

My husband didn't like cats when we married. I had NO idea that he wasn't a cat person. I rescue strays and ferals and work with bottle babies. His daughter was visiting the second year of our marriage (during kitten season) She came into the living room where Mike's lap was full of kittens and he was bottle feeding two! She skidded to a halt and exclaimed; "Daddy- you HATE cats!" I was amazed and looked at my husband who had never even told me he didn't like cats. He said "I used to, until Mary Anne came into my life!" By the way, we have 15 cats currently...and yes, we have cat hair- occassional hairballs, some hiss and spit matches and sometimes our home might smell like a litter pan- but not to often! We have a large cat enclosure we built from scratch that attaches to our home so the cats can come in and out of the house into the enclosure safely. We also rescue abused German Shepherds and we have and have had dogs and puppies throughout our 20 plus years of marriage that get along fine with cats.

My point is that you need to overcome your aversion to cats. They are neat, fastidious animals- somewhat like you. They bury their poop- something a dog would never do. They groom themselves daily and if they are healthy, they take great pains in looking good always.

There are options for people with allergies- there is Allerpet- a visit to the doctor to find out if you are allergic to them truly, or you just think you are allergic to them.

Don't assign them human emotions- they don't have them. They don't get "mad" and carry a grudge, they just react. If you are not prey, you are predator and that is how they look at their world.

You almost sound like you want to "save" your girlfriend. It sounds to me like she doesn't need saving. She just needs to be cherished along with whatever pet she decides to bring to the table-

I wish you luck in what you finally decide to do-

Very, very well said, Hissy!

enuja · Dec 30, 2008

You've suggested putting the cats in a basement ... a more workable idea is to put your precious belonging in a basement. You might even be able to do this in your current living situation, if you have at least two bedrooms. You could call it an office or a den or whatever, and put your expensive art and things that you are worried her cats will damage in there. Leave the door closed, and that will be a space you can go to be cat-free. Don't use your bedroom for the this purpose: your girlfriend will probably want the cats to be able to sleep with her. You might be able to have a cat-free bedroom and a cat-free office, but be sure you have a non-negotiable cat-free space before she moves in with you.

On the other hand, it might not just be your attitude to cats that is keeping your girlfriend from moving in with you so far. Maybe it's your need to financially take care of her: maybe she'd rather take care of herself.

cococat · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by fwan

you must have a wonder dog, because all the dogs here smell and pee and poo inside the house, they simply have no respect!

No, his dog sounds normal. I own three dogs right now that I leave together and they never bother anything or make messes. And the dogs before these dogs were housetrained too without any problems. Dogs are smart and don't like to soil their living space. You can train your dogs, that must be awful to have them go inside your home, it is bad enough having cat feces in the home in a box.

kittkatt · Dec 30, 2008

I am posting my response before reading the entire thread, so I apologize if I repeat anything. But this statement that Breal76 made popped out at me, and I had to comment before I got off track:

Originally Posted by breal76

My bestfriend gave up her cats for her husband, and she hated herself for it. In the end the marriage did fail. And she to this day cries in shame. Now she has four cats! lol

This is true.

When I moved to Texas to be with an ex-b/f, I couldn't bring all my cats with me, and ended up having to give some of them up. Not only did I end up resenting the ex for putting me in that position, I also ended up being very angry at myself for giving them up. I still cry in shame about it to this day, and I haven't been able to forgive myself.

I think it's the reason why I've become "obsessed" with saving all the strays I can now: I want to make up for my wrong.

Okay. Regarding the pooh smell: does anyone's pooh smell good?? If your girlfriend does end up moving in, can't you place the litterbox somewhere where it won't offend you?

I'm a "neat freak" to some extent, too, but I just don't let the cats' messes get to me: it's part of life with having cats. The rewards of having them far outweighs the loss & emptiness I'd have in my life if I didn't have them. If you're worried about all the hair getting on your clothes, just wear old clothes in the house that you won't worry about getting all hairy. I keep all my "good" clothes hanging in the closet, and keep the door shut so the cats can't get in there. If any hair does end up getting on the clothes, I just brush it off with one of those lint rollers. No big deal..

Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do about the furniture, except for maybe placing throws on the stuff. You just have to learn to live with it.

There's no way on God's green earth that you can prevent a cat from not knocking things over, or breaking your valuables. So you have to keep things out-of-range, or locked up in a cabinet or something. If you ever plan to have any children with your g/f, you're gonna have to do the same thing. Maybe this is a good time to get prepared.

Cats are very territorial, so if they display episodes of "jealousy" towards you on occasion, it's not b/c they necessarily don't like you. They just love their Meowmy, and feel threatened that you're taking her love away from them.

Heck, my furbies get jealous of each other - and of my s/o too - if I'm giving more attention to any of the others or my s/o. You have to spread the love, so to speak, so everyone's getting enough attention.

BTW, cats are generally cleaner than dogs. Haven't you ever noticed just how much they clean themselves? And when was the last time you noticed "that smell" on a cat?

You may have allergies to cats if you're itching around them. But allergies can be treated.

Does the problem occur around other peep's cats?

If you really love your g/f and think she's the one, you are gonna have to make it work somehow, and not expect for her to give up the cats. It won't work if she's forced into giving them up - guaranteed. And there's no way you can expect to keep them locked up in a cage all the time: it's cruel & inhumane. Cats need to roam, and to be free. The only time cats should be kept in isolation is when there is a threat of spreading a disease/sickness, or if you have a multiple cat household and there are behavior problems. But even then it's not for extended periods of time.

I hope you find a way to work this out. I think it's sweet of you to be concerned enough to take the time to find a way by coming here to ask opinions.

Good luck!

cococat · Dec 30, 2008

The the original poster,
You must really care about your girlfriend a great deal to seek out a cat site and ask that question. Living with animals in a big deal, and you are right to think about it and go over your options.
There are things you can do to make the house smell better with litterboxes. But cats aren't like dogs, you can't train them. They will go where they please and do what they want to do, regardless of what you might wish. My cat thinks of herself first in all situations. They are very different than dogs yes, but different doesn't have to be good or bad.
That is nice your girlfriend loves your dog, doesn't that make you feel good? Comfortable? And at ease? She probably would like that same favor. She obviously finds them very lovable, as you do your dog. Given some time, you might even start to like the cats, if you give them a chance

Your dog and girlfriend do!

amberthe bobcat · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

First I'm glad you are being honest about your feelings. It must be tough to be in a situation where you love someone but can't stand their pets.

I'll give you the blunt truth (based part on my experience in marriage). Do not marry or move in with her. It would be best if you end the relationship. First you don't like the cats and you have your mind made up they don't like you, are messy, you can't stand fur, etc.

It will not get any better and you will begin to resent her more and more and hate the cats even more. The the fighting starts. You have to accept ALL of it (her and the cats) or NONE of it. There is no compromise.

I married my first husband who was not a pet person but he tolerated me owning pets....at first. .....even went to cat shows with me for years. But it was all a lie. In fights, he always accused me of putting the cats over him, of threatening to get rid of them, etc. He really didn't want them. Granted there was abuse involved in my marriage and after 17 yrs I divorce him (for the abuse).

But I learned my lesson. Unless you both are animal lovers and really like each other's pets, its best not to keep pretending you do. Be honest with her and yourself in the decision you make.

I have to agree with a lot of this. Your g/f loves her cats and you can not change that nor should you expect her to change. You must look deep down inside and put all your feeling for her aside and be 100% honest with yourself. If you are only tolerating the cats, then I can not see this working. I love my cats and I would never give them up for anyone. I would never have married my wife if she was not an animal person and if she did not like cats.

cococat · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by KittKatt

[
BTW, cats are generally cleaner than dogs. Haven't you ever noticed just how much they clean themselves? And when was the last time you noticed "that smell" on a cat?

]

this really bothers me. my cat smells worse than my dogs, probably since she walks around in litter and digs in it but I can easily fix the smell by giving her baths. My dogs are inside dogs, get a bath once a month, and don't have a "that smell" dog odor to them.

The dogs I have known that have dog smell are usually all the time outside dogs or dogs or dogs that don't have a lot of care taken to clean them or their bedding or their house - as in the owners house isn't clean .

kittkatt · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by tab

ok well joking aside, the real reason my long suffering husband tolerates these things so well, is that he loves me. he knew what he was entering into, although it was still a huge transition for him.

if you truly love this girl, you won't be looking for excuses as to why it won't work.

My s/o wasn't really a cat person either when we met. He didn't hate cats, but he didn't love them, either. But he loved me enough to accept them, and to also accept me for who I was.

You know what? He loves the cats now!

Maybe not quite as much as I do, but in his own way.

How do you know if you won't learn to love your g/f cats too, if you don't give them a chance? Most peeps who say they don't like cats are ones who have never been around them.

Just something to consider..

kittkatt · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by cococat

this really bothers me. my cat smells worse than my dogs, probably since she walks around in litter and digs in it but I can easily fix the smell by giving her baths. My dogs are inside dogs, get a bath once a month, and don't have a "that smell" dog odor to them.

The dogs I have known that have dog smell are usually all the time outside dogs or dogs or dogs that don't have a lot of care taken to clean them or their bedding or their house - as in the owners house isn't clean .

If you'll notice, I said generally - not always. It usually depends upon the owner of the dog....

cruisermaiden · Dec 30, 2008

Well I think you have made an appropriate first step in coming here to see what compromises you can come up with to make the relationship work and decide if you are willing to make the necessary changes. If only more people put so much thought into their relationships! Do keep in mind that advice here is going to all be on your girlfriend's side, as we are all cat lovers. Perhaps you could also look for additional information on a dog lovers website to see what people there might say?

Absolutely if you love and accept your girlfriend you WILL NOT ask her to get rid of or be away from her cats. I believe it may be acceptable to confine them to one room (or basement) while you are away, but they should immediately be released to have full contact with you and your girlfriend and room to roam as soon as someone is home. A crate or bathroom is not a large enough area for this and the area should have food, water, litterbox, toys and preferably a cat tree and a window at the very minimum so that they can amuse themselves throughout the day.

I agree with what many people have said that you need to stop considering the apartment as "my place" and think of it instead as "our place". Remember you are not allowing your girlfriend to move in with you, you are asking her to. Consider her feelings on the move and integrating her "family" (cats) into your life together. Ask her what an acceptable solution would be to her.

As others have said, it is possible to have a nice home with cats. Cats can be trained to only scratch in appropriate places, as long as those places are provided. Your girlfriend can work on training them prior to moving in. Your valuables and collectibles can be displayed, but must be secured. I keep my breakable collections in display cabinets with glass doors so that I can enjoy those things and not worry about my cats destroying them. Anything they continue to knock over or get into that is not displayed I either move or secure (velcro and double stick tape work nicely). The cats will eventually settle in and stop getting into everything 24/7 so as previously suggested you could put your breakables up and away until the cats have settled down and understand where they can and cannot go.

Regarding the fur and itching, it is possible you are allergic. You could ask your doctor about it and possibly consider an allergy medication or shots. I know a lot of people with allergies make their entire bedroom a "no-cat zone", something that could be established to the cats as soon as they arrive by simply keeping the door closed. This would probably help some with the hair on your clothing in the mornings too. Your girlfriend may want them to sleep in there with you, but she needs to be prepared to make changes as well. The crying at night can be stopped with training, suggestions are available in the "Behavior" section. Does she let them sleep with her when you are not there? If so, they may cry at the door because they don't understand why suddenly they are not allowed, or be upset that you have encroached on their territory.

Cats shed, so do dogs. It would be both of your responsibilities to keep the fur cleaned up in the apartment, just as both would be responsible for walking the dog. A good vacuum will help (you said she has one) as well as an arsenal of lint rollers (I keep one on my keychain to touch up when I leave home). Providing a variety of cat beds and/or trees may also encourage the cats to spend more time on their own furniture instead of yours, thus decreasing the amount of fur you experience in your space. One solution I have found to work for me is to keep the furniture the cats frequently lounge on covered with washable blankets. When I leave in the morning I cover my bed and my couch with large (cheap) blankets. When I come home I remove them and they can be easily washed and dried to remove the hair. If it is accessible in your apartment a good furnace/ac filter can help catch hair in the ventilation system. A change in food and grooming/bathing habits can also assist in the amount of shedding, and the right food will probably help with the smell of the litterbox as well.

If you cannot bear the smell of the litterbox I would recommend an automated system, and an air freshener. The Febreeze "Pet Odors" oil plug in works great next to my litterbox. Poop is going to smell when they do it but with some research to find the best system for you and your girlfriend you can probably find an acceptable solution.

As far as your feelings about the cats you are just going to have to decide that you love your girlfriend enough to love those things that she does. When I met my boyfriend I made it 100% clear - love me, love my cats. Period. He is not a cat person and was not really on board with them until he saw how happy they made me with regular interaction. If you can find solutions to your other problems with them (fur, smell, getting into things) then you may notice that your feelings of resentment towards them fade and you start recognizing the joy that cats bring to your life.

Bottom line if you are not willing to make some changes in your life as it is now to integrate your girlfriend's cats that she (obviously) loves very much, you need to re-consider trying to bring her into that life. She is going to come in and move things around in your carefully placed home, change how things work for you much more than her two cats will. She will of course be making changes to her life for you, and it is fair for you to ask her to make some changes regarding the cats so that everyone can get along. It may take more work, but if you are both willing there should be a way.

Best of luck to you.

larussa · Dec 30, 2008

I think you better find a gf who likes dogs and forget this one. You can't ask any women to deal with your problems with her kitties. I think you should just move on.

strange_wings · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by cococat

this really bothers me. my cat smells worse than my dogs, probably since she walks around in litter and digs in it but I can easily fix the smell by giving her baths. My dogs are inside dogs, get a bath once a month, and don't have a "that smell" dog odor to them.

The dogs I have known that have dog smell are usually all the time outside dogs or dogs or dogs that don't have a lot of care taken to clean them or their bedding or their house - as in the owners house isn't clean .

I'm going to have to disagree - and I already stated why earlier in this thread. All dogs have a scent. A basic dog scent. Only directly after a bath is this smell usually gone or mostly covered up. All cats have a smell too, to varying degrees. Indoor/outdoor cats almost always have an underlying dirt smell.
And as I already pointed out, all people have a basic scent, too. Have you ever walked into a newly built home that's never been occupied? That human smell won't be there.
Reptiles, birds, and rodents also all have their own smells that even the cleanest cages can't prevent.
Your pets will also pick up some of your scent. It's an extremely easy way to tell if a loose animal has an owner, it will smell like people and anything perfumey scented their owner used.

Mind you, I have a very sensitive nose and scent memory (if that's what you'd call it). I can actually use it to pick out specific ingredients in cooked foods and can't tolerate perfumey stuff at all. Animals smells are something I usually get used to and am not bothered by, luckily, but as strange as it sounds I can tell my cats apart by the way their fur smells.

A bit O/T...

cococat · Dec 30, 2008

Originally Posted by strange_wings

I'm going to have to disagree - .

Great, thanks

I understand what you are saying, I am talking about something different.

strange_wings · Dec 30, 2008

^I'm referring to both the smell in the home and on the skin itself.

I'd probably smell dog, even in your home, unless you had so much scented stuff in the air that it masked everything. In which case, I'd probably not stay long.

But do you know what really puts pet smells in perspective? Skunk spray. No amount of doggy smell or basic cat litter box smell is as bad as dealing with that.

sarahp · Dec 30, 2008

Psst... I think we've scared him off... Oops!

strange_wings · Dec 30, 2008

He's thinking.

Or maybe spends evenings out unlike us married folk.

faith's_mom · Dec 30, 2008

Get some benadryll, or some other allergy med, and take it until your body acclimates itself to the cats (and it probably will eventually).

I don't think it's fair that you hate her pets, yet she loves yours...come on, where's the 'give and take' in the relationship?

Cats are VASTLY different than dogs; they are more curious by nature, and they don't do things just to spite you, or make you mad...they are just very inquisitive, and don't take the liberty to learn 'neat obedience tricks' that our canine counterparts do.

I think you just need to read, and learn about your girlfriend's pet choice...because, to me, part of being in a positive relationship is also understanding that they have different tastes than us...including where pets are concerned.

My husband hated cats before he met me, and when I finally said, I'd had enough life without a cat, he finally gave in and we went out and picked two; he is now a devout cat lover, because he appreciates cats for how they are, not for what he was told before, or experienced before.

My gf won't move in, cause I don't like her cats :-(

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