Oh honey--- I know your grief and I can so understand.
I just lost my Sugar on 12/18. My heart is so broken and I keep thinking-- oh god do I have to wake up and feel this way again for another day. I understand. Christmas does make it hard-- doubly hard because I keep thinking the live Christmas tree had something to do with Sugar's weakening over the asthma he was diagnosed with. I have yet to be able to drag the tree back into the house. It is the association.
It is okay to cry and be sad, be angry, be guilty, be all of those things. It is normal. It would be less normal if you didn't have those feelings.
I find it so much therapy to just write it out. People on these forums know first hand how much your baby meant to you. Afterall, if they didn't--- they would not be visiting a site about cats.
Talking about loss and how you feel with people who have had to shoulder the same burden makes you feel less alone-- or that is how it makes me feel.
Another poster mentioned this earlier, and I thought I would add. I lost my soul mate horse Kitty about 4.5 years ago. I was devastated utterly devastated at putting her to sleep. I kept praying (and I am not even religious) for some kind of peace and I had a dream where I got up and went to my window and there she was. She talked to me without words, but I could hear them so clearly in my head. She told me that she had stayed with me as long as she could but now I was going to be okay (Kitty had been the rock that kept me able to pull out of a couple depressions). She told me she would make sure that she would still be there for me. And I have to tell you, I had some more rough times in those 4 years and I would get a visit from her in my dreams to give me strength and courage.
I believe life and souls are interconnected-- from one single life source which is why even when our babies pass-- there is this ability to have some connection with them still because your soul evolved due to their souls in your life.
Now, I will be honest with you-- I know all of this-- I know that Sugar will never be forgotten and I know in some way he is still near me-- but that does not mean that I still do not feel his loss so acutely. I do. The little reminders and triggers are what gets me. But, I do know that with time things will be less raw and I will be able to just express my pure love for him and i will feel his again without the cloud of hurt that surrounds it right now.