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Couples living together outside marriage

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
what are your thoughts on this?
steve and I lived together for a few months before we married....I guess it all depends on the couple and all..I really don't see a problem with it...
post #2 of 22
It has worked for me for 18 years. We have a deeply committed relationship, and do not need a piece of paper to keep it that way. I think those who move from living with one person to another every few weeks is not necessarily a good thing. That is why there are so many children that will never have 2 parent homes, just a babydaddy, if that. That is totally irresponsible and bad for those poor kids. Then waaay too many of them end up being cared for by the government.
post #3 of 22
Bill and I can't get married, because of my widow's pension. Marriage does afford certain protections: property rights, insurance, etc. Fortunately, for me, Bill has made me beneficiary on all of his insurance policies, retirement accounts and he's made sure that I'll get the house free and clear, if anything happens to him. He is going to have a medical power-of-attorney drawn up, too. That way, his druggie son can't keep me away, if Bill is incapacitated.
post #4 of 22
I personally see no problem living together before marriage. That is exactly what I did with my ex-fiance. We got engaged and moved in together after 4 years of being in a committed relationship with each other. And guess what? It only took 9 months to realize that I could not live with this man! His parents were really peeved at us..they claimed we were "playing house", but it was the best thing that we did. I honestly believe that if we didn't live together first, we would have been divorced with in 2 years max.
post #5 of 22
Actually, I'm in favor of people living together before marriage, or just plain living together if there are no kids, but I've seen far too many problems revolving around visiting rights, custody, etc. when unmarried couples with children split up. In some cases it's worse than in a divorce. It really depends on where you live, but here an unmarried father has NO rights unless the child's mother agrees. Joint custody when the parents were never married has only been allowed for a short time, and there again the mother must agree.
post #6 of 22
If a person believes in Christianity or Judaism, that person believes it's a sin. "To thine own self be true." The commandments clearly call adultery a sin, and fornication is called a sin throughout the Bible. For thousand of years, since the days of Moses, this has been accepted truth in these two faiths, even though many people committed both acts. However, since the 1960's many of those who claim the name Jew or Christian have premarital sex. The difference is that they don't accept it as sin. Some turn away from church or synagogue because of Biblical law.

Others consider it a sin, but covered by Grace. It's not my business what others believe, but I think people who talk the talk should walk the walk. Yet, many who have left the church to do their own thing call those who attend hypocrites. It's not for us to judge. As I stated earlier, "To thine own self be true." (That's Shakespeare, not the Bible.) If someone believes it's a sin and accepts the Bible as truth, it must be a very difficult way of life. If not, it doesn't matter what God's law is; they have another faith or they are a law unto themselves. I believe the Hedonists believe, "If you like something, and it makes you feel good it's fine."

I don't intend to argue the point, but I honestly wonder if many Jewish and Christian parents are teaching their children what God's law is. I have heard (really!) girls say, "I'll sleep with you Saturday night if you go to church with me on Sunday." HUH ???? I'm glad they want to go to church, but were they reading a book or writing a shopping list during the sermon? That is the morality portrayed on television, not in a synagogue or Christian church- not a judgment, but an observation.

Religion is too serious and personal to be argued in this type of forum, so I'm done. (It's about time!!) Perhaps someone else will discuss the practical aspects-like single mothers who have to go to on welfare, at least temporarily, because their lovers were interested in them only for sex, or what happens if their lover dies without a will. That might be interesting. As jcat says, the laws differ from country to country, and, I assume, state to state.
post #7 of 22
This thread reminds me of a movie i just watched -- WHITE OLEANDER.

My goodness, it is highly recommended for all female viewers! The story line is really great.

post #8 of 22
Thread Starter 
I did a search on this movie and it looks good!! I need to rent it
post #9 of 22
Now you two have me really curious!
post #10 of 22
Jeanie, i think you will like it.. it is what you said that reminds me of the movie.

i don't normally recommend a movie, unless and until it is worth picking up, so hopefully, my recommendation is at least abover-average... teehee! :

Robin Wright plays an alcoholic, and hides behind a "Christ-like" character and such. i feel really bad that they potray Christians like that in the movie.. oh ...

post #11 of 22
I am currently living common-law. I have now been with Rob for 7 years going on 8 years this November. It totally works for our relationship, and I knew Rob was the one when I first met him.

Actually, I don't think I will ever officially get married. It's just not my style and like some people, I don't just follow through with what society says should be done just to 'fit into the mold'. Many people marry not by choice or for religious reasons, but do it to please their mothers, or fathers, or society.

I am a very spiritual and positive person and I don't think living common-law in any way goes against my beliefs. I do believe that others should really think before casting the first stone though, when confronting my relationship. I've had many people say negative things to me including that I would burn in hell for not marrying.

Judgements always come when your part of a minority.

Whatever decisions you make in life, you have to be true to yourself. I have never been a follower just to fit in. I'd rather be true to myself.

post #12 of 22
Hubby & I didnt live together before we got married, because my mother threw a big tantrum. I kind of wish we did live together, but in a way, I am glad we did not. Statistics show that people who live together before marriage, end up in divorce. Now, how true it is.... I dont' know.
I don't think there is anything wrong with living with someone befor marriage. And, there's nothing wrong with just being with someone without being officially married. Whatever works for you & makes you happy, is all that should matter.
post #13 of 22
Kass, I've been told I'm going to hell because I don't go to their church. We have no right to judge others. Be guided by what your inner voice tells you is right. It usually is.

Is common law marriage recognized under Canadian law? I always thought it was-here in the States, but on these "Judge" programs, the judges refuse to divide property, etc., for people not married in the eyes on the law. I don't mean Law and Order or other fiction; I mean the programs with real judges doing the arbitration.
post #14 of 22
My fiance and I are not religious or "goody goody's" at all. We could care less for what god or the uppidy ups of society think of us living together before marriage.

I have lived with my fiance on and off for about 3 years now. I lived with him as a friend, and a boyfriend, and now a fiance, and HOPEFULLY SOON a husband

I think it really depends on the couple.
post #15 of 22
Jeanie - common law and same sex marriages are both recognized under Canadian law with full death benefits to partners.

About the topic - people should do what ever is right to them - I was not comfortable living together before marriage based on the way I was raised, but I have no issues with anyone else's choice!
post #16 of 22
This may sound weird, but my cousin was totally against premarital sex and living together, so she was a virgin when she married. It turned out her husband was a sexual sadist. She got out of that marriage ASAP, and lived with her second husband awhile before they got married. A former student of mine had the same experience about 5 years back.
post #17 of 22
Angel, Those who disagree with you are not necessarily "uppity ups," and in my opinion, this is not the place to insult the One many of us consider the Creator of the universe. No one has put down anyone else yet. I hope this doesn't evolve into a religion-anti-religion argument.

Those of us who chose to wait until marriage did not do that for frivolous reasons, to annoy you, or to become "uppity ups," but because of deeply held beliefs, which you do not have to accept. Actually, those who choose virginity until marriage have been the minority for years! I am very glad I made that choice, but it is not my business what you chose. Believe me, it wasn't a personal insult to you; you weren't born yet! By the way, wouldn't John F. Kennedy qualify as an uppity up of society? What a paragon of virtue he was!
post #18 of 22
Whoa Jeanie dear, you totally mistook what I said.
I just ment I don't like the people who impose their religious beliefs on us, or anyone in my situation, and damns us to heck for living together, or the goody goody's doing the same thing with their voices and looks of dissaproval.

I'm not saying everyone who waits until marriage is like this. Not at all. If people want to wait to get married until they live together or wait until they have sex for marriage, that's just fine with me. If that's the way it works for them, then good on em!

My mother was stuck in 3 bad marraiges for years, I did not want to follow in her foot steps. She was raised very strictly growing up, and her family was religious. So my mom would always tell me to stay with a guy, get to know him and his family and/or live with him for at least 2 years so you can see who they really are. All of the 3 men my mom married (she did not live with or have sex with any of them previous to marriage) turned out to be HORRIBLE! Not but a day or two after they got married, they turned into horrible men, and showed their true colours.
I just worry anyone in a situation like my mom will get trapped in a bad relationship, and that makes me sad. I just want people to be careful.
post #19 of 22
There are a lot of valid reasons, for and against living together. I think, that if a couple is planning on having children, it is better to be married, for parental rights, custody and support issues.

A lot of widows do not remarry, because we would lose our pensions and, in a lot of cases, we can't afford to live without them. Should we be denied the comforts of a loving, intimate relationship? My Pentecostal parents do not approve of my living arrangements but, they understand the reasons and they love me and want me to be happy. They like Bill and are glad that he loves me and has provided a home and stability for me.
post #20 of 22
Cindy, Isn't that a shame? Retired people have that problem too. The elderly are forced to live together without marriage if they love one another or be unable to pay their bills. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. Why shouldn't a couple find joy together when widowed and on a pension? I think God would disapprove of the government's short sightedness in that case!

I agree with you about children needing stability. There are too many young, trusting girls abandoned after they have children to their boyfriends. When I was subbing in the public schools in a depressed area, the full time teachers told me how much the children enjoyed educational videos (Huh? yes!) and their music classes-because over half were born to unwed mothes who couldn't afford to take them to the movies. School provided much of their entertainment. The loving boyfriend just took off! We women are a bit too much like our stereotypes. Many of us do have a strong nesting instinct and are trusting and faithful to a fault.
post #21 of 22
I'm an extremely open minded person. I do my very best not to pass judgement on people, and wish people to extend that same courtesy to me.

Craig and I have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2. We live together as family, lovers, and most importantly FRIENDS. He is my best friend in the entire world. He is my bestfriend foremost and boyfriend secondly. Even if we were never a couple we would've prolly ended up living as room-mates.

If you want to live with a man/woman before marriage go for it, if not don't. If you never wish to marry but only wish to live with your s/o, then I wish you the best of luck. Who am I to tell you that you are going to hell, or that you are a baaad person for living with your s/o before or without marriage?

In my humble opinion marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, showing that the government now recognizes you as husband and wife. I don't need the governments recognition.

I take that back.. marriage isn't ONLY a piece of paper showing government recognition, it can be a declaration of love, two people professing their love to the world. However, you can do that WITHOUT marriage, although marriage is a good way to go about it
post #22 of 22
Cassandra, I think we all agree that it is a personal matter, and not to be judged by others. However, to those who believe in and love God, the government paper is just a legal necessity. It is the ceremony performed by the pastor, priest, or rabbi that joins them! Just the opposite of those who don't believe in God. If I were on a desert island and could get married in God's eyes, that would be enough for me.

However, for legal purposes, the piece of paper from the government is very important. I do think, as we mentioned before, that a legal marriage is very important for the children. And it protects the woman also.

When I was in college, I met many women in their late thirties and early forties who had worked to put their husbands through college and law school, med. school, etc., only to be left with next to nothing because hubby had a rich lawyer and wanted to trade his wife in on a newer model. Without the benefit of marriage, that piece of paper, those wives would have next to nothing and children to keep.

Their stories brought tears to my eyes. We always think love will keep us together. Many men are good, faithful husbands. However, more and more, men leave when the lust is not as strong, and they're sick of the responsibility.
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