Kids' Messy Rooms (any advice?)

swampwitch

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Our daughter's room causes me much dismay. I spent three months of my life painting, measuring, shopping for, refinishing, sewing, repainting, putting together furniture, hanging shelves, etc. so she would have a nice space.

I know there's a saying that something looks like "a tornado went through it" and that is not an overstatement. She is always working with crafts, sewing, knitting, writing, drawing, and cutting things out of paper. Everything is everywhere. All of her stuff has a place to be so there's no excuse.

I call it the hell-hole. I grew up in an unnatural family and our rooms had to always be perfectly neat and clean. I didn't want to do that to her but now pendulum has swung the other way...

I keep the door closed when she's at school and she puts her own clothes away, but still I see it too much. I feel all my work was for nothing. I should have left the walls white and just stuck a bed and dresser in there.

Did you have a messy room when you were a kid? Did you change later? What did your parents expect? What is realistic to expect? Any words of advice for me? TIA!

p.s. Chaos makes me a little crazy so that doesn't help things.
 

alleygirl

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I had a messy room as a child/teenager and no amount of nagging from my mom made any difference. Eventually I got old enough that it got on my nerves too


My son is the same way. I used to go in his room with trash bags. Not sure its something you can change unless you want to be strict and discipline for it. Most of us outgrow it though
 

cococat

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I am not a parent. So it is easy for me to say, you have the whole house, let her have a single room (her room!)
Let it be her place, that is comfortable for her, her own style, all her own.
Here is my only experience.

My mom tried with one of my messy siblings to get her to be cleaner, black bags were taken in the room frequently, lots of stuff was thrown out, demands, rewards, bribes, punishments were made in order to get this person to be neat, clean, organized. It didn't work. Today as an adult she owns her own house and it is really gross and uncomfortable for most people.
She is pretty and dresses well, very into fashion and smells clean, but if you go to her house you are scared to go in, it smells, and random crap is everywhere, including animal feces on the floor.
And this person is in denial about the state of the disorder, as usual, nothing has changed. My mom always heard that children like that would grow out of it and had hopes that she would. One of my mom's brothers was messy like that and grew out of it.

But my mom's other children, including me, are super clean. However, we were naturally like that, and so is my mom, and especially my dad.
 

libby74

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My DD is 19 now, so I don't tell her TOO often to clean up her pig-sty.
When she was a bit younger there were days you literally couldn't walk from one side of the room to the other because of all the crap on the floor. I finally took a page from Maria Shriver & Arnold Schwarzenneger---I read somewhere that they would give their kids a warning or 2, then they would pick up whatever wasn't put away & the kids had to buy it back! That actually worked pretty well. If DD didn't care enough about something to buy it back (25 cents to $1, depending on the item) I'd either throw or give it away.
 
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swampwitch

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Originally Posted by AlleyGirl

I had a messy room as a child/teenager and no amount of nagging from my mom made any difference. Eventually I got old enough that it got on my nerves too


My son is the same way. I used to go in his room with trash bags. Not sure its something you can change unless you want to be strict and discipline for it. Most of us outgrow it though
Thank you, you made me feel better!


Originally Posted by cococat

I am not a parent. So it is easy for me to say, you have the whole house, let her have a single room (her room!)
Let it be her place, that is comfortable for her, her own style, all her own.
Here is my only experience.

My mom tried with one of my messy siblings to get her to be cleaner, black bags were taken in the room frequently, lots of stuff was thrown out, demands, rewards, bribes, punishments were made in order to get this person to be neat, clean, organized. It didn't work. Today as an adult she owns her own house and it is really gross and uncomfortable for most people.
She is pretty and dresses well, very into fashion and smells clean, but if you go to her house you are scared to go in, it smells, and random crap is everywhere, including animal feces on the floor.
And this person is in denial about the state of the disorder, as usual, nothing has changed. My mom always heard that children like that would grow out of it and had hopes that she would. One of my mom's brothers was messy like that and grew out of it.

But my mom's other children, including me, are super clean. However, we were naturally like that, and so is my mom, and especially my dad.
Now I don't feel better, lol.

If I honestly thought she liked it messy, that would be a different thing. She is always looking for her tools and supplies, library books, etc.

We aren't super-neat or anything, but we do try to keep things pretty much put away, and if you start a new project, you put the old project away first. You can't just throw things down, I wish she'd develop this self-discipline sooner rather than later.


Originally Posted by libby74

My DD is 19 now, so I don't tell her TOO often to clean up her pig-sty.
When she was a bit younger there were days you literally couldn't walk from one side of the room to the other because of all the crap on the floor. I finally took a page from Maria Shriver & Arnold Schwarzenneger---I read somewhere that they would give their kids a warning or 2, then they would pick up whatever wasn't put away & the kids had to buy it back! That actually worked pretty well. If DD didn't care enough about something to buy it back (25 cents to $1, depending on the item) I'd either throw or give it away.
That is a great idea! Thank you!
 

yosemite

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I'm a neat freak and I married a "messy" man and had a "messy" daughter. She is 28, lives at home and her room is a disaster. I've tried everything I can think of to change their habits but to no avail. Some days I feel like running away from home.


If anyone has an idea that I haven't tried and it works, I'd gladly accept it.
 

mbjerkness

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I was a messy teenager. I am not so strict on their rooms. It is thier space. I don't go into their rooms, My rule is. You have to have , a fire escape route
. meaning you have to be able to safely get in and out of your room. I think most kids out grow it.
 

strange_wings

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Originally Posted by SwampWitch

I grew up in an unnatural family and our rooms had to always be perfectly neat and clean.
You too? My dad was really obsessed with that, and still is. Even if I was still playing with the toys I had out I'd get yelled at - so I played outside a lot.
There were a few occasions that I had my parents come in my room and trash everything that wasn't tightly packed away out of sight, luckily I had an uncle who went and got my stuff out of the dumpster when they weren't looking.

No amount of yelling or name calling made me want to keep my room super clean... though later getting a dog that would come in my room and chew on stuff did (parents would let her in there
). The cleaning habits did rub off and I tend to be very picky about things now. I'm the person, that if you invited me over to dinner, would probably start cleaning your kitchen up afterwards - including sweeping the floor.



Hopefully she'll eventually feel embarrassment when having friends over to visit and stay the night. Nothing makes a kid clean up like worrying what their friends will think or say.
If she doesn't have nice convenient storage containers for her stuff, why not take her shopping and make her pick some out? Maybe she'll use them.
 

trillcat

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I was a very messy kid, and teenager,and well, not exactly a clean freak as an adult. Not yucky messy like Cococat described, just very disorganized. However, now that I am staying in someone elses home I keep it very clean, not my house after all, my bedroom is sort of not the best looking, unless you like clothes all over the place, but my folks room is just the same, lol. We close our doors and no one sees the mess! I wouldn't get too upset about her room, if she can't find her craft stuff when she wants to use it, well, her own fault and she has to deal with either cleaning up to find stuff, or just not be able to do the craft she wants to do.
 

forensic

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I had a very, very messy room as a child. Periodically my mother would have a 'clean day' where we'd get rid of old things and, in the process, clean, but after a certain age she gave up telling me to clean my room.

A certain amount of mess is comforting to me. It feels like HOME, like it's safe.

Immaculate homes make me uneasy and skittish.
 

strange_wings

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Originally Posted by Forensic

Immaculate homes make me uneasy and skittish.
To an extent, I don't like that either. But I absolutely hate dishes, food left out, and trash. My in-laws are horrible at this and the only reason they're not over run by roaches is because of where they live.... I have seen and killed a few though.


My MIL has a bad habit of leaving flour on the counter and used dishes where she used them.
 

balstadohana

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funny...with the timing of this question..just last week I took EVERYTHING out of my kids rooms.
I got soooo tired of the mess, my daughter loves to hide things (under her bed, etc.) and not put them away. And my son just throws everything in one big pile. I went through it all, I took 3 garbage bags to the trash and the rest went in plastic bins. the bins are now high on a shelf or in my room. They have to ask to play with something and then they must clean it up if they want something else. It does make me have to do more (get the toys for them) but at least its clean and they are learning to put things away before getting something else out. they will get to earn things back as they can keep things picked up with out me having to ask them.

(I like the money thing but my kids are young have have no money unless I give it to them and we don't give allowances. They live in the house they have to help keep it clean)

Good Luck!!!!
 

trillcat

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Originally Posted by Forensic

I had a very, very messy room as a child. Periodically my mother would have a 'clean day' where we'd get rid of old things and, in the process, clean, but after a certain age she gave up telling me to clean my room.

A certain amount of mess is comforting to me. It feels like HOME, like it's safe.

Immaculate homes make me uneasy and skittish.
My best friend grew up in an immaculate home. Kids were never invied in to play, I was once in a while but we could only stay in the basement, in one little corner where the toy box and a magnetic board were set up, and you could tell her mother hated even that amount of disorder. I would go around trying to find dirt, dust up on a bookshelf, a hidden cobweb somewhere, never did. Could not go on the lawn, her dad would have a fit. When she got married we took some pictures on her parents back lawn by some rose bushes, I think it was the first time I ever stood that far into their backyard, I took a certain pleasure in digging the high heels of my shoes into it as I walked, hee hee hee.
 

cococat

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Originally Posted by SwampWitch

Now I don't feel better, lol.
.
!
Sorry it didn't make you feel better! But I do want to say it does seem though that the majority of kids grow out of it, at least that is what everyone told my mom.
And what happened her brother.
 

flisssweetpea

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Our daughter had a messy room as a child. We used to go in there periodically and reorganise it with her - always making sure that she had to go through the experience with us


As she got older she got better. Then, she went away to University and lived in Student Halls of Residence for her time at Uni, she looked after herself pretty well there and I'm proud to say her room wasn't the typical germ-ridden student room often heard about.

She's back home now and is 22 years old and keeps her rooms really well.

Hopefully, your daughter will be the same and will grow out of it as she gets older
 

butzie

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Well, some kids are born with it and never will grow out of it.

I grew up in my Mom's house, because even if you are a family in that time for cleaning, it was Mom's house. Mom always said that there is a place for everything and everything has a place.

I met the love of my life, DH. He was and still is a slob. Clean about personal things but I have never met a piece of paper he has ever thrown out.

I tried to talk some sense in him and then I said maid and we got one. When Jenny was born I stayed home and tried to teach her how to clean up. She would sit for hours and glance at her toys and have no idea what to do with them.

This was always a sore spot until I read an Ann Lander's column when Jen was in HS. The mother said that she had just gotten to be fed up with how sloopy her daughter's room looked. Then she realized that her daughter was a straight A student, didn't drink, went to religious school and was a nice girl. She closed the door to her daughter's room and life got better.

My daughter's door is closed when she is either home or away at college. She is still such a lovely young woman, who cares about her bedroom!
 

carolpetunia

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You will be doing your daughter a great favor if you require her to develop the habit of being organized and staying on top of cleaning and maintenance chores. My mom didn't do that for me -- for some reason, she thought I shouldn't have to do housework! As a result, keeping my place neat and organized is overwhelmingly difficult. How I wish Mom hadn't been so easy on me!
 

zorana_dragonky

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Originally Posted by Forensic

I had a very, very messy room as a child. Periodically my mother would have a 'clean day' where we'd get rid of old things and, in the process, clean, but after a certain age she gave up telling me to clean my room.

A certain amount of mess is comforting to me. It feels like HOME, like it's safe.

Immaculate homes make me uneasy and skittish.
My mother was almost exactly like this, and now I feel almost exactly the same way. I am also a "pack rat," which doesn't help. I keep documents from everything, school stuff for several years, many different kinds of art supplies, and I have a very large collection of books. As you can imagine, I have a lot of shelving and boxes in my smallish apartment.


Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

You will be doing your daughter a great favor if you require her to develop the habit of being organized and staying on top of cleaning and maintenance chores. My mom didn't do that for me -- for some reason, she thought I shouldn't have to do housework! As a result, keeping my place neat and organized is overwhelmingly difficult. How I wish Mom hadn't been so easy on me!
However, I think a lot of my feelings are the result of that. My mom never really tried very hard to punish me for most things as a child. I am not really very disciplined about, well, practically everything! I really wish I had some habits of discipline hammered in a little harder. Keeping things "neat and clean" is very difficult for me.



Good luck with your daughter. I hope she grows out of it! I was a very messy child and teenager, and I am still a fairly messy adult. I'm sure it doesn't help that my husband is messy, too.
 

missymotus

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We were always taught that once we had finished with something it went back in it's place, if we left it laying around after being asked to pick up it was taken away.

As the whole house was clean we sort of just followed along with the rules, and it never seemed to strict to me
 
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