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I just moved out of my fiance's place.

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
It's really strange, but I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. I'm disappointed, but I dunno. Maybe it just hasn't set in yet. Things have been going pretty horribly for a while. We have HUGE fights that go nowhere, wake up, and act like nothing happened. Sometimes things go fine for a day, or a week, but then it's all the same old issues. I guess I just got fed up with trying to explain something to someone that was never even trying or willing to understand. I really love him, and I know he loves me too. At times everything is amazing, and perfect, and all either of us wants, but other times it's like a never ending nightmare. We've tried to work it out so many times, but it just doesn't seem possible. I want things to work out so badly, but it's almost like I've lost faith. I don't even really know what to do from here. Should I talk to him, avoid him, take a break, or just leave everything behind? I can't really imagine being with anyone else, but I can't stay with him the way things are, and pretend I'm being treated the way I should be.
post #2 of 19
Good for you for recognizing a problem before you invested more of your life into the relationship.

Love just isn't enough to keep a relationship together, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to be partnered with that person for the rest of your life either. Sometimes personalities just don't mesh.

Clean breaks are the best. Anything else leaves room for more hurt.

I would suggest gathering your things and each going your own separate ways.

Just remember all of the bad stuff and why you left in the first place, if you ever consider trying to reconcile with him. So many women tend to forget the "bad" and cling to the good in the hopes things will always be good. That's not how things usually go.

*hugs*
post #3 of 19
Thread Starter 
It just seems logical to be optimistic. I guess in some cases optimism isn't the best thing.
post #4 of 19
Have you done any pre-marriage counseling by a priest or pastor??
post #5 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GailC View Post
Have you done any pre-marriage counseling by a priest or pastor??
I've tried to convince him to do something similar, but he refuses every time.
post #6 of 19
Well maybe a break for now is the best option for you.
post #7 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GailC View Post
Well maybe a break for now is the best option for you.
Do people ever really get back together after a break? I've never done it, so it's always sounded like a really undecisive, wishy-washy way of breaking up. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Then again, it probably does put things in perspective.
post #8 of 19
I know people who have taken a break, take stock of life and what you want out of it. A break doesn't have to be final. its just time to work out your own life and think hard about what you want and what you want to do about things. Also, see if you miss him and how you feel about him. Time to get rid of the anger and resentment and get to the real heart of the issues, then work out if you can resolve them. I would set boundaries, speak with him and say that maybe for two weeks a month you will have no contact, then set a time and day that is good for you both and prepare yourself to sit down and see how you both feel about things. Sometimes in a relationship you can get stuck in a rut, I think a lot of people have been there. It doesn't always mean that you don't want to be together, it just means that you don't know where your going together. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder and you will realise that you want to make it work, or you might feel better out of it. Either way, its your life and giving yourself and your partner time to think is good and positive. I hope you work it out and all is probably not lost unless of course you want it to be. Work out what you want from him, what does he want from you? What are you looking at in the future and what upsets you!! Discuss, don't shout You sound like you are trying to work it out in your head first and I think you have done the right thing.
post #9 of 19
If you guys cannot resolve the issues now, then don't get married - they will only get worse. IF you both want it to work and IF you both are willing to get some pre-marital counseling, then do so.

At least you would find out if you really should be married. I don't know all the background, but wise counselors will tell you - resolve the issues now - not later.

Sometimes we can love each other but cannot live with each other. Sounds like this is what is happening.

Just for example. My DH's brother was so "in love" with this woman. But it was based more on lust then love. They would have so many fights, etc. Nothing was ever resolved. They figured sex would just make things better. We tried to point this out; but they got married anyway. Less then a year later they were divorced cause they never resolved the issues.
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Althekitty View Post
I know people who have taken a break, take stock of life and what you want out of it. A break doesn't have to be final. its just time to work out your own life and think hard about what you want and what you want to do about things. Also, see if you miss him and how you feel about him. Time to get rid of the anger and resentment and get to the real heart of the issues, then work out if you can resolve them. I would set boundaries, speak with him and say that maybe for two weeks a month you will have no contact, then set a time and day that is good for you both and prepare yourself to sit down and see how you both feel about things. Sometimes in a relationship you can get stuck in a rut, I think a lot of people have been there. It doesn't always mean that you don't want to be together, it just means that you don't know where your going together. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder and you will realise that you want to make it work, or you might feel better out of it. Either way, its your life and giving yourself and your partner time to think is good and positive. I hope you work it out and all is probably not lost unless of course you want it to be. Work out what you want from him, what does he want from you? What are you looking at in the future and what upsets you!! Discuss, don't shout You sound like you are trying to work it out in your head first and I think you have done the right thing.
I agree 100%
post #11 of 19
Why would optimism be that you can work it out with someone you fight with all of the time? Be optimistic: look forward to all of the wonderful things you will do with friends, other people, and future partners. Natalie_ca got it right on the nose, I think: love is not enough. You also have to be comfortable and happy to live with someone.

My spouse has an ex that he lived on and off with, never living with for more than a year, for something like a 15 year period. They are now great friends, talking on the phone at least once a week, but they aren't ever going to get back together again. (Okay, if he and I split, maybe they'll have a fling, but that's actually fairly unlikely, and they know they can't live together.) I heard on the radio the other day a story about people who got divorced because of money issues, but are now back together again. They had an unresolved problem, resolved it when apart (they both treat money very differently now), and now can live together again. I think getting back together, and staying together, is only likely in the case of having a specific, treatable problem.

While I can see the advantage of some pre-marriage counseling to figure out how to make each other happy and whether you share enough values, the need for couple's counseling to resolve problematic issues fairly early in a relationship suggests that the relationship is not going to last.
post #12 of 19
My question to a couple - can you picture yourself being married to this person for the next 30-50 yrs AND being happy? If not, then its not the right person.

When DH and I met, fell in love and talked about marriage - we honestly could see ourselves being married till the end of time and being happy. We have been married now for 6 1/2 yrs and still as in love and happy as when we first start - probably more so now.
post #13 of 19
Thread Starter 
I used to be able to see us married and happy, but just lately I've been wondering if it was always just gonna stay like this. I really don't know. He called, and begged me to move back in just a few minutes ago, but I feel like I really need some space right now.
post #14 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieJerks View Post
I used to be able to see us married and happy, but just lately I've been wondering if it was always just gonna stay like this. I really don't know. He called, and begged me to move back in just a few minutes ago, but I feel like I really need some space right now.
Since you talking to him and letting him beg, then you have some pull, more than you once had I guess. I think you guys need some help to learn how to talk to each other, to get some perspective, something like marriage or couples therapy, like you said you asked him to go but he has refused. He has refused in the past, perhaps now that he knows how important this is to you and his entire future with you, he will go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Good for you for recognizing a problem before you invested more of your life into the relationship.

Love just isn't enough to keep a relationship together, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to be partnered with that person for the rest of your life either. Sometimes personalities just don't mesh.

Clean breaks are the best. Anything else leaves room for more hurt.

I would suggest gathering your things and each going your own separate ways.

Just remember all of the bad stuff and why you left in the first place, if you ever consider trying to reconcile with him. So many women tend to forget the "bad" and cling to the good in the hopes things will always be good. That's not how things usually go.

*hugs*
I agree with Natalie_ca's post very much! It is good you are dealing with this now. And clean breaks are better once you make that decision to break up. It is better. But you are in the process of figuring out what you want since you are still talking to him and letting him get emotional, sounds like even if he won't go, talking to someone else in a professional setting will help you sort through some important emotions and give you another view, that you can benefit from right now. There is no reason you should have to live like you were, fighting all the time.

A quick story, my husband and I have some really great friends who dated for many years, I want to say 6 or so, and then got engaged since they had been together for so long. After they got engaged and sat the date their fights became worse and more frequent, and the added stress of the wedding and the forever ever after helped them make that decision to go their own ways. to you! You are going through such a hard thing Good vibes to you
post #15 of 19
Here's the advice I used to give all the time to my students:

Don't marry someone you love, marry someone you like. That's because the flash and sizzle of sex wears off, and then you have to sit down and discuss the car payment and furntiture payments and who leaves the toilet seat up, etc., and doing that with someone you really don't like is just going to make you miserable.
post #16 of 19
I will tell you....

Travis and I have lived together for 3 years and are now moving into a house we purchased together. We have been together a total of 5 and a half years and will be married on July 11,2009.

The first year we lived together was awful. We fought ALL THE TIME about the most petty things. After about 5 months of fighting, we decided the best thing for us was to try to go to couple's counseling-especially if we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Counseling was either going to make or break us and the best thing we learned through months of counseling was to COMPROMISE and not to fight over things that don't matter. We very very rarely fight about anything anymore.

My grandmother wrote me an email last year and I asked her how her and my grandpa stayed happily married for so long. She said the biggest key is that when you are about to argue, ask yourself "Is this really worth it?" and 9 times out of 10, it won't be. And I feel that that has really helped my relationship and I feel as though Travis and I can get through anything.

I have been through very tough times and have been where you were. Maybe a break is best. We felt that it wasn't and we had to work out our problems with a middle-man. I'm not saying counseling is for everyone but it worked for us.

Whatever you choose, good luck! And if you need any advice, let me know. I will even PM you my grandmother's email of advice if you want it
post #17 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy View Post
I will even PM you my grandmother's email of advice if you want it
I would love that.

We talked about everything last night, and decided to stay together, but live seperately for now. We're going to move in together again when we are better prepared financially.
post #18 of 19
That's fine, but if the initial problems that led to the fights are not resolved by you, no sense in getting back together - the same thing will happen. A judge (that married DH's brother - we were witnesses) said this:

Your marriage is like a garden. If you keep it weeded and give it food to growth, you will have a healthy garden. The weeds are the problems - you don't want your garden (marriage) full of weeds. The food for growth is love and committment.

Think about it - how many weeds are in your garden?


BTW the garden didn't grow - they had far too many weeds in it from the beginning and didn't do anything about it - they were divorced less then a year later.
post #19 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy View Post
the best thing we learned through months of counseling was to COMPROMISE and not to fight over things that don't matter.
I couldn't agree more. Being married for nearly 10 yrs (in 4 months), DH & I learned the secret in keeping the marriage is compromise & communication.

I applaud you for recognizing problems in a relationship now & taking steps to work it out. Everyone has given some really good advice. You'll be able to see problems(s) more clear now that you moved out.

Be strong & good luck!
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