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Wow, I'm in real bad situation

post #1 of 38
Thread Starter 
First let me say I love my husband very much. I have a friend (guy) online that I've kinda falling in love with. (OOPS) He's happily married and there would never be anything between us. I haven't been able to tell him how I feel because I'm afraid he'll back away and I'll lose him as a friend. I feel like if I don't get this out I'll self destruct. What should I do about this?
post #2 of 38
First let me say I am not in any way judging you its not my place. But let me say what I would do. I would stop all contact with this person. I understand he is a friend but having feelings like that for someone else when you are married is like committing adultry when you are married. If the shoe was on the other foot and your husband was in your place how would you feel. And I understand that he may not know but I am sure that he senses something is up. And I am sorry but an online friend that will never be anymore is not worth jeapordizing a marriage for. And you are truly playing with fire here and the one who will get burned in the long run is you. And I don't see how you can be inlove with someone who you have not met especially when you say you love your husband. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I am simply being honest about how I feel. And I am just telling you what I would do so please don't take it as an attack on you or anything like that. For everyone's sake I really would end this friendship and all contact with this person.
post #3 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tavia'smom View Post
First let me say I am not in any way judging you its not my place. But let me say what I would do. I would stop all contact with this person. I understand he is a friend but having feelings like that for someone else when you are married is like committing adultry when you are married. If the shoe was on the other foot and your husband was in your place how would you feel. And I understand that he may not know but I am sure that he senses something is up. And I am sorry but an online friend that will never be anymore is not worth jeapordizing a marriage for. And you are truly playing with fire here and the one who will get burned in the long run is you. And I don't see how you can be inlove with someone who you have not met especially when you say you love your husband. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I am simply being honest about how I feel. And I am just telling you what I would do so please don't take it as an attack on you or anything like that. For everyone's sake I really would end this friendship and all contact with this person.

I agree with Gail on this one.

You made a committment to love, cherish and be fully faithful to your husband, an emotional adultry is pretty much just as bad as going out and physically cheating on your spouse in my opinion. It would be best if you seperate yourself from the temptation- this means cutting off all ties from this person you're having strong feelings for. You owe it to your husband,yourself and vows you guys made and the to be faithful.

If anything, think about the other woman- does she know her husband is talking to you in that way? Do they have children? Adultry not will have a nasty effect on them as well if the temptation continues and something progresses. An affair, emotional or physical can tear a family apart. How would you feel if not only your family was affected by this but also hers?

If you feel like you're going to self-destruct if you cut off contact with this person, my honest suggestion to you would be to try out therapy for a bit to work through some of these strong feelings and emotions to help yourself and your marriage.

I'm sure you didn't intend for this to happen in the first place and your emotions probably did catch you off guard, but you really need to stop this now before something else happens hon It's not worth throwing away your marriage, and ruining his too.
post #4 of 38
I hate to say this but you need to cut him off before you end up going out.
post #5 of 38
I know others have said to cut him off, you should if you know he is completely happy with his wife.

But firstly look at your relationship, is this working with DH?
post #6 of 38
Have you actually met him?.

If you love your husband like you say you do then phase out contact with this other man. You've said he's happily married and that nothing will ever happen so nip it in the bud now.

Whats he saying to you that makes you think you love him?.
post #7 of 38
I think I kind of understand. Perhaps you believe you see something in this man that is missing in your husband - or something that is missing in your marriage. But still, he is just a man (good, bad, indifferent) who is probably a lot like your husband. We tend to be attracted to a "type".

Someone suggested therapy. I think this is a good idea. It helps to talk with an impartial person who will actually listen to what you are feeling and thinking.

If you tell this other man how you feel, you run the risk of losing him as a friend. On the other hand, you run the risk of breaking up families. It all seems romantic online but it doesn't transfer to real life so well.

Don't feel bad about yourself or your feelings. It could also be a crush. I get those still Then, I learn more about the guy and the crush dissipates.

Whatever you do or don't do, make sure it is what is best for you. You are the central player in this and you deserve good things - not a broken heart and family.
post #8 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by mews2much View Post
I hate to say this but you need to cut him off before you end up going out.
Yes. Your marriage comes first.
post #9 of 38
Wow, I can't even imagine you're asking about this.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes, and imagine how you'd feel if this was going on with him. What would you expect him to do?
post #10 of 38
Ok, first of all you aren't falling in love with this guy. You just think you are.

"Online" is pretty much fantasy. When you are talking online you pretty much have the other person's undivided attention, and because you aren't in the same room with the other, and can severe contact whenever you want and not have to deal with that person ever again, it's "safe", so because it's "safe", you tend to be more open about things that bother you, and so is the other person, so you feel like you are kindered spirits.

When you don't have to deal with daily habits of: nose picking, crotch scratching, belching, leaving dirty underwear on the floor, money, spending, bills etc etc etc, it's easy to "fall in love" with someone across the distance where you don't have to deal with any of that. But the reality of things is very different. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

What you both need to do is tell each other "good-bye" and go and spend time dealing with your marriages and your marital problems.

While neither of you have cheated sexually, you are still cheating on your spouses. Emotional cheating is far worse than sexual cheating, because oftentimes sex is completely detached, but emotions are personal and have meaning.
post #11 of 38
I don't really have any good advice for you that maybe hasn't already been said, but I am sending vibes out that you get this worked out in the best way possible
post #12 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
When you don't have to deal with daily habits of: nose picking, crotch scratching, belching, leaving dirty underwear on the floor, money, spending, bills etc etc etc, it's easy to "fall in love" with someone across the distance where you don't have to deal with any of that.
Oh that's so true!, which is why i won't have another man live with me
post #13 of 38
Do you realize that you have posted this on a public forum that anyone could see, including your husband?
post #14 of 38
EDIT: Wups, wrong thread
post #15 of 38
Hi, I have to say that sometimes you just have to walk away. I don't understand your need to tell him. Why on earth would you want to do that. If he is a friend and doesn't have any intentions towards you, why lose him as a friend, ruin your marriage and maybe his? It sounds like you could just make a fool out of yourself. If you already know that nothing is going to come of this, then why persue it? Maybe you are not happy in your relationship, but i would suggest, like others on here that a form of therapy maybe your best bet. Just to talk about what is driving you emotionally at the moment. Take control of the situation and walk away from this other guy and see if maybe he is just a distraction from whats really going on in your marriage. Take care.
post #16 of 38
Four Words....."been there, done that"........my advice.....either walk away now or keep your feelings to yourself. I didn't and it almost cost me a marriage. If you love your husband....don't tell him, don't tell your friend, just drop it...as someone said, you're not really in love with him.....its a reality thing, if you must, just must tell someone, tell your cats, they'll never tell!
post #17 of 38
While I don't think of it as being adultery, what you are doing is not right and if the tables were turned and it was your husband doing what you are, I think you would be very, very hurt.

You are playing with fire and as Natalie_ca said, it's all romantic online but in real life he is just as human as your hubby and may even be a lot worse.

I think you already know in your heart that what you are doing isn't right or else you wouldn't have come here to even talk about it.
post #18 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Ok, first of all you aren't falling in love with this guy.
Exactly my thoughts.
post #19 of 38
I think, as many others said, that you need to let this go. If you love your husband, you shouldn't be doing this behind his back. If he was "falling in love" with another woman online, you would be devastated I'm sure. It's easy to form a crush on someone you've never seen (I had a crush on my husband when we were talking online before we met! But I couldn't say I was in love with him at that time!) You find it easy when you have their "undivided attention" online.

I hope you can see the effects this may have on your marriage if your husband finds out, and I hope that you decide to do what is best for you and your husband. It doesnt sound like the other guy has any intention of leaving his wife either, so it would be a waste to do something rash.
post #20 of 38
I'm gonna say here what no one has said... Just follow your heart... Do what you want or feel is best for you.
post #21 of 38
I strongly advise you to cut off all contact with him - I'm serious. If you love your husband, you cannot love another guy (in the same way). Too many affairs result in actions like you describe.

Whatever energy/time you are putting into this online "affair" (as its one thread away from being one), you should be putting into your marriage and husband. How would you feel if your husband was doing exactly what you are doing with another female?

Before you ruin your own marriage and the marriage of this online friend - cut off contact now.

And go see Fireproof (the movie with Kirk Cameron) - you will see how easy it is to cross the line. If you value your marriage, you'll stop what you are doing.
post #22 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
While I don't think of it as being adultery, what you are doing is not right and if the tables were turned and it was your husband doing what you are, I think you would be very, very hurt.

You are playing with fire and as Natalie_ca said, it's all romantic online but in real life he is just as human as your hubby and may even be a lot worse.

I think you already know in your heart that what you are doing isn't right or else you wouldn't have come here to even talk about it.
Nothing more to add, I just agree to cut all ties with him.
post #23 of 38
What you are feeling is beginning-of-the-relationship infatuation. And you are feeling it for someone who has been showing you only the good bits about himself. You do not really know this guy.

If you want a divorce from your husband, do it right now. Your infatuation may or may not leave his wife. But don't slowly destroy your husband and your marriage (and a part of your soul) by continuing to "see" this guy. You are on slippery ground that could lead to betrayal.

That's my advice.
post #24 of 38
I have been where you are years ago and I totally realize how hard it is to tear yourself away from the romantic fantasy you have in your head about this guy. It’s almost like an addiction, you just cant get rid of it because it is so exciting… at least that’s how I felt. I went completely crazy with my situation. In the end I had to sit back, and think really hard about if it was worth it.

Instead of advice, I want to give you questions. Think long and hard about them. Is it worth losing your husband over? Is it worth hurting your husband? Can you see yourself with this guy in the future? Would you leave your husband now, even if this guy was NOT in the picture? Think in your head the reality of telling this guy how you feel. Then, think about telling your husband your in love with another guy… can you do it? Are you mentally strong enough to deal with your decision to openly state your emotions?

People can tell you to do things or not to, but in the end your probably going to do what you want even if its destructive… The one thing you can do before you decide anything is REALLY REALLY think about what you are going to do, and the consequences and if you and others can handle it.

Also remember people can get very hurt in these types of situations… so please be careful, you may have to carry the burden of guilt for a very long time if you don’t think long and hard about this.
post #25 of 38
I agree with everyone else, just stop talking to this other guy. There is no way you could really love him, as you have never met him in person. I do believe you think you might love him, but it is really impossible to love someone that you have never met. You may think you know somebody you met online, but it is SO easy for people to lie & get away with it over the internet. He could have lied about everything he has told you, possibly even the fact that he is married. Its just something you will never know. If you love your husband, stop talking to this guy. It really isnt worth it, especially since you say nothing could ever happen with him since he is married. Plus, like others have said, if the situation were reversed and your husband thought he had feelings for another woman online, it would break your heart, right? I was kind of in a situation like this, only it was with a guy i worked with. I am not married and neither is he. i worked with him 1 day a week and we flirted alot, and i could imagine myself with him instead of my bf, but sooner or later my bf found out i was talking to this guy. Though i never told him that i had a huge crush on this guy, he was still very upset about it. He could sense that i had feelings for the other dude. I quit the job (it was only part time, and i had another full time job too), and completely stopped talking to him, even though i didnt want to lose him as a friend. My bf and i worked things out, and he doesnt even bring it up at all. It wasnt worth everything i went through wit my bf over someone i only saw once a week and barely knew. You are married and its different, not only because of the fact that youre married, but because you do not know his other man. Period. You may not want to lose him as a friend, but it is just not worth your marriage.
post #26 of 38
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
What you are feeling is beginning-of-the-relationship infatuation. And you are feeling it for someone who has been showing you only the good bits about himself. You do not really know this guy.

If you want a divorce from your husband, do it right now. Your infatuation may or may not leave his wife. But don't slowly destroy your husband and your marriage (and a part of your soul) by continuing to "see" this guy. You are on slippery ground that could lead to betrayal.

That's my advice.
I don't want to leave my husband. This whole thing is stupid really, I just got caught off gaurd.
post #27 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
what you are doing is not right and if the tables were turned and it was your husband doing what you are, I think you would be very, very hurt.

You are playing with fire and as Natalie_ca said, it's all romantic online but in real life he is just as human as your hubby and may even be a lot worse.
.
I agree with this.
post #28 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat1 View Post
I don't want to leave my husband. This whole thing is stupid really, I just got caught off gaurd.
That is good to hear. But by being in the other relationship you are beginning to start to leave your husband. Be careful if that's not what you want, and good luck!
post #29 of 38
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
That is good to hear. But by being in the other relationship you are beginning to start to leave your husband. Be careful if that's not what you want, and good luck!
There is no relationship. We are just friends and I think I got carried away. I just need to put myself in check.
post #30 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat1 View Post
There is no relationship. We are just friends and I think I got carried away. I just need to put myself in check.
This is a crush. Nothing more, nothing less. This is NOT having an affair. This is not infidelity. Once you put it back into perspective, you can have a very good friend on the other end of the cable.

I had the same type relationship with a very close friend. We started out talking, moved it to flirting as we both admitted we were crushing and infatuated with each other. We both admitted we would never leave our SO for the other person. We are now best friends who can tell each other the things we would never tell our spouses. He told me about the hot new clerk at work, and I told him about the cute new mail guy. (we're committed, not blind)

Now that you have realized it is a crush, you can deal with it easier. Don't tell your husband anything. Just ride the fun ride. Put the new feelings to work, transfer the crush to your husband. Thats what we did.
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